Editor’s note: The following article, written by Laura Johnson, is reproduced from SmartDivorce.com. It offers tips that may help people who are divorcing a sociopath.
Even though your state may be a no-fault divorce state, it doesn’t mean that you or your spouse won’t have to answer in some way for any misbehavior during the marriage. It’s what divorce lawyers and courts refer to as marital misconduct and, in certain states, can affect the outcome of the division of property, an award of spousal support, or an award of attorney’s fees for the victim-spouse.
The legal definition of marital misconduct is any conduct that undermines the marital relationship. It becomes a factor in a divorce when the offender-spouse’s behavior forces the victim-spouse to assume extra burdens in the marriage. It isn’t meant to punish the offender-spouse or award him or her an inadequate amount of property or income, but to fairly compensate the victim-spouse.
The rationale behind this theory is that the victim-spouse is compelled to contribute more to the marriage because of the offender-spouse’s misconduct, therefore he or she is entitled to have the offender-spouse’s behavior taken into consideration when property or income are divided. Marital misconduct can be disregarded if both spouses are guilty of marital misconduct. In some states, marital misconduct is specifically disregarded as a matter of law.
In those states where misconduct is a factor, there are several broad categories of behavior that might be classified as marital misconduct. They are:
- habitual drunkenness or addiction,
- adultery,
- domestic violence,
- cruel and abusive behavior, or
- economic fault.
Once the offender-spouse’s behavior has reached the level of marital misconduct, it is the court’s responsibility to determine just how much weight to give to it in each specific situation. Some of the considerations the court looks at when deciding this issue are:
- the length of the marriage,
- the character of the misconduct,
- the time period during the marriage when the misconduct occurred, and
- the frequency of the conduct and whether it was continual.
Certain types of marital misconduct may have more of an impact upon a court’s decision-making than others. For example, cruelty or domestic violence might not be a relevant or appropriate consideration for making an equitable division of property because this type of misbehavior typically isn’t relevant to the acquisition of marital property. The same cannot be said for economic fault, adultery or an addiction, all of which can directly influence a couple’s property.
There are several types of economic fault. They are:
- dissipation of assets,
- hiding assets,
- diverting marital or community income to pay for an addiction,
- spending marital or community income on an extramarital relationship,
- excessive or abnormal spending,
- destruction of property,
- the fraudulent sale or conveyance of property, and
- any other unfair conduct that prevents the court from making an equitable division of property.
Some divorcing spouses believe that once they are separated and a divorce filed that marital misconduct, especially adultery or economic fault, has no effect on the outcome in a divorce. That isn’t actually the case. Each divorce is very fact specific and the same logic about the impact of marital misconduct on the division of property applies whether it occurred prior to the separation or during the pendency of a divorce. This is particularly true for economic misconduct.
There are some states that have statutes that specifically permit a court to award a disproportionate or lesser share of property to an offender-spouse, particularly if the misconduct can be classified as economic. The facts of each particular divorce play a heavy role in how the court applies the law.
In cases that involve the dissipation, hiding or destruction of assets, the excessive or abnormal spending of income, or the fraudulent conveyance of assets the court can’t increase the size of the marital or community estate that actually exists. However, it can order a disparate division of the existing and known property to reimburse the victim-spouse for his or her loss in the couple’s estate.
In addition to having a possible effect on the division of property, marital misconduct may also have an effect on the amount of spousal support an ex-spouse may receive provided he or she qualifies for such support. This can work both ways. If the spouse who may be entitled to receive support is guilty of the misconduct, his or her receipt of support may be in jeopardy depending upon the nature and level of the misconduct. On the other hand, a paying spouse might have to pay more, especially if his or her behavior caused the victim-spouse to give up or reduce the ability to earn income.
The following states take marital fault into consideration when determining an award of spousal support: Alabama, Arizona, Connecticut, District of Columbia, Florida, Georgia, Idaho, Louisiana, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Mississippi, Missouri, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New York, North Dakota, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Virginia, West Virginia and Wyoming. (Source: American Bar Association, Family Law Quarterly, Winter 1998, Tables Summarizing the Law in Fifty States)
The following states take marital misconduct, especially economic fault, into consideration when dividing marital or community property or in reimbursing the marital or community estate: Alaska, Arizona, California, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, District of Columbia, Florida, Hawaii, Illinois, Indiana, Kansas, Kentucky, Maine, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New York, North Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, West Virginia and Wisconsin. (Source: American Bar Association, Family Law Quarterly, Winter 1998, Tables Summarizing the Law in Fifty States).
Phoenix: “two thumbs up*!
Dear Truthspeak,
I hear your pain in your posts, and …well, Believe it or not, I just don’t have words. God bless you, it is a hard lesson, but one I think you will never forget. Hang in there and work on forgiving yourself, for me that was the hardest part in getting out of the FOG was forgiving myself! (((hugs)) and prayers for your healing.
Truthspeak
I’m sorry, and hugs to you.
You’ll do well. As evil as his bag of tricks was – and I don’t know the details – it’s sure better to have a definitive answer than being in a FOG.
Athena
Engaging in strong counseling with a no-nonsense therapist has been one of the most helpful things that I have done with the exception of ridding myself of the negative entity.
I’m doing hard work – work that any of us who have been exposed, used, and abused by a sociopath during ANY point in our lives would be prudent to undertake. For whatever reasons, each of us who has been targeted can sort it all out and learn to reconstruct granite boundaries. I’m not even at the point of laying my foundations, yet, but I’m seeing where I’ve come from, what I’ve experienced, and how that all tied in to where I am, today.
No, I don’t like the work – it’s painful and frightening, at times. But, what I have discovered is that I am worth loving myself. I am also worthy of the love of others – unconditional love, and non-judgmental love.
I recommend the book, “Healing the Shame That Binds Us” by John Bradshaw, along with the other recommended readings about sociopathy, etc. “Understanding” sociopathy is rather a daunting task for me – I DON’T understand how someone can be devoid of empathy or remorse. But, understanding ME will help me to reconstruct my personal boundaries in terms of EVERYONE that I meet or interact with.
Thank you, Donna, for this website, your courage, and your determination! And, THANK YOU to all of the courageous members who are encouraging and supportive to me, and others.
Truthspeak,
Hang in there! Anything of value requires effort, hard work, so your soul-searching (counseling) will have its rewards. I feel badly that this is a difficult time for you. Peace.
Truthspeak, TOWANDA for the healing path you are taking.
Your words about the digust you feel resonates with me. Sometimes people assume I hate my ex-spath. I don’t. There were times during the relationship I sometimes felt hate for his ruinous behaviour. They tend to say that hate and love go hand in hand. And I think it was true with the ex-spath when I was still in the relationship… I loved him and I hated him. But the manner in which he discarded me (not even that it was over, but the manner with which he did it) was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO disgusting to me… any love I had felt was gone, and so was the hate. There was just disgust and rage. The rage passed in the consecutive months. The sensation of disgust is not as strong anymore as before, or at least less accute… But it’s the sole feeling currently left about him.
Holy cow…I never thougth I’d survive these past six weeks. Still more legal issues, ahead, but I have to believe that the man can’t possibly WANT the details of what sent me into a blind rage out in open court.
The one thing that has kept me going is that I will not allow the frauds that this man perpetrated to define who I am. On the contrary, I’ve begun some really hard work with my therapist, and my soul wants to FLY onto the healing path, and my feet are so reluctant.
Then, there’s the eye-opener of the “inner child” that I had always misconstrued. For whatever reason, I believed that the “inner child” was some gleeful revert back to childhood, and it is quite the opposite. I can clearly see how my childhood neglect, dismissal, abuse, and ridicule pretty much programmed me to make some REALLY bad choices and decisions. This is really difficult work, but it’s going to be okay.
For everyone who’s hurting, reeling, and asking “Why ME?” I offer my positive thoughts and energies to you, and to myself. WE WILL ALL GET THROUGH THIS!
Towanda, everyone…….love, and peace!
Truth,
you’d be surprised.
Spaths have no shame. in fact, he might very well enjoy the idea of seeing your shame in open court. Be prepared for anything because the spaths are 180 degrees polar opposite of a normal human being.
He wants drama and he wants to see the look on your face when he proceeds to slime his shameful behavior on you. Be prepared. Practice giving him no emotion through your words, deeds or expressions. Focus, just in case.
Truthspeak, I will look up the book you recommended. I find myself SO angry at myself for letting this happen. I hope my rage disappears like DARWIN said it did.
DARWIN
What caused you so much rage, and how did you deal with it?
There are some days I feel none, and other days I feel physically overcome by anger and rage. I don’t know what to do except to sit it out. And the thing is, I’m raging at my spath and at myself.
Athena
I have no emotion for him, only pity. I pity that he is what he is and lives in the world that he does. As many times as I’ve wondered, I cannot imagine living in a world where others are simply “Things” to be used and discarded.
The problem with me is that I’m HYPER-remorseful – part of that “shame core.” So, I’m always apologizing and taking responsibility for things when I have no business doing so.
Once again, I’m on a long road, and my feet haven’t even begun to get me down that path.
And……just off topic, a bit……does anybody else have in-depth, out-loud rants about the spaths that have affected their lives? I mean, shouting out loud, screaming, crying, etc.? Not necessarily in front of someone else, but just a vocal expression of their emotions?