Editor’s note: The following article, written by Laura Johnson, is reproduced from SmartDivorce.com. It offers tips that may help people who are divorcing a sociopath.
Even though your state may be a no-fault divorce state, it doesn’t mean that you or your spouse won’t have to answer in some way for any misbehavior during the marriage. It’s what divorce lawyers and courts refer to as marital misconduct and, in certain states, can affect the outcome of the division of property, an award of spousal support, or an award of attorney’s fees for the victim-spouse.
The legal definition of marital misconduct is any conduct that undermines the marital relationship. It becomes a factor in a divorce when the offender-spouse’s behavior forces the victim-spouse to assume extra burdens in the marriage. It isn’t meant to punish the offender-spouse or award him or her an inadequate amount of property or income, but to fairly compensate the victim-spouse.
The rationale behind this theory is that the victim-spouse is compelled to contribute more to the marriage because of the offender-spouse’s misconduct, therefore he or she is entitled to have the offender-spouse’s behavior taken into consideration when property or income are divided. Marital misconduct can be disregarded if both spouses are guilty of marital misconduct. In some states, marital misconduct is specifically disregarded as a matter of law.
In those states where misconduct is a factor, there are several broad categories of behavior that might be classified as marital misconduct. They are:
- habitual drunkenness or addiction,
- adultery,
- domestic violence,
- cruel and abusive behavior, or
- economic fault.
Once the offender-spouse’s behavior has reached the level of marital misconduct, it is the court’s responsibility to determine just how much weight to give to it in each specific situation. Some of the considerations the court looks at when deciding this issue are:
- the length of the marriage,
- the character of the misconduct,
- the time period during the marriage when the misconduct occurred, and
- the frequency of the conduct and whether it was continual.
Certain types of marital misconduct may have more of an impact upon a court’s decision-making than others. For example, cruelty or domestic violence might not be a relevant or appropriate consideration for making an equitable division of property because this type of misbehavior typically isn’t relevant to the acquisition of marital property. The same cannot be said for economic fault, adultery or an addiction, all of which can directly influence a couple’s property.
There are several types of economic fault. They are:
- dissipation of assets,
- hiding assets,
- diverting marital or community income to pay for an addiction,
- spending marital or community income on an extramarital relationship,
- excessive or abnormal spending,
- destruction of property,
- the fraudulent sale or conveyance of property, and
- any other unfair conduct that prevents the court from making an equitable division of property.
Some divorcing spouses believe that once they are separated and a divorce filed that marital misconduct, especially adultery or economic fault, has no effect on the outcome in a divorce. That isn’t actually the case. Each divorce is very fact specific and the same logic about the impact of marital misconduct on the division of property applies whether it occurred prior to the separation or during the pendency of a divorce. This is particularly true for economic misconduct.
There are some states that have statutes that specifically permit a court to award a disproportionate or lesser share of property to an offender-spouse, particularly if the misconduct can be classified as economic. The facts of each particular divorce play a heavy role in how the court applies the law.
In cases that involve the dissipation, hiding or destruction of assets, the excessive or abnormal spending of income, or the fraudulent conveyance of assets the court can’t increase the size of the marital or community estate that actually exists. However, it can order a disparate division of the existing and known property to reimburse the victim-spouse for his or her loss in the couple’s estate.
In addition to having a possible effect on the division of property, marital misconduct may also have an effect on the amount of spousal support an ex-spouse may receive provided he or she qualifies for such support. This can work both ways. If the spouse who may be entitled to receive support is guilty of the misconduct, his or her receipt of support may be in jeopardy depending upon the nature and level of the misconduct. On the other hand, a paying spouse might have to pay more, especially if his or her behavior caused the victim-spouse to give up or reduce the ability to earn income.
The following states take marital fault into consideration when determining an award of spousal support: Alabama, Arizona, Connecticut, District of Columbia, Florida, Georgia, Idaho, Louisiana, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Mississippi, Missouri, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New York, North Dakota, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Virginia, West Virginia and Wyoming. (Source: American Bar Association, Family Law Quarterly, Winter 1998, Tables Summarizing the Law in Fifty States)
The following states take marital misconduct, especially economic fault, into consideration when dividing marital or community property or in reimbursing the marital or community estate: Alaska, Arizona, California, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, District of Columbia, Florida, Hawaii, Illinois, Indiana, Kansas, Kentucky, Maine, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New York, North Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, West Virginia and Wisconsin. (Source: American Bar Association, Family Law Quarterly, Winter 1998, Tables Summarizing the Law in Fifty States).
Truthspeak
In a word – YES. I have in depth, out loud rants about my spath.
It hasn’t happened in a while – but about a year ago, I had several sessions where I was on my bed, beating the SHIT out of my pillows and blankets and mattresses – POUNDING THEM – screaming every swear word, crying my heart out – so f*cking angry! I was just screaming.
I think it was anger at myself, and pain at the loss I felt, and shame, and guilt, all rolled up in one big sob fest.
I did that a couple of times and it helped. Now, occasionally, I just cry, or, run 10 miles.
Athena
Dear Truthspeak,
There was a frequent poster named Aloha Traveler, and she and I used to talk about how we would RANT as we drove (alone) in our cars, screaming at the windshields and pounding on the steering wheel as we drove, venting our rage at them. Saying all the ugly things we would like to say to their faces.
Check–yep, DONE THAT!!!! So don’t feel crazy! And if you are driving along and see some old woman or some younger pretty woman talking to the windshield, you will know the Old woman is me, and the young woman is Aloha! LOL
Void your bladder and seat yourself…..
I had a delightful visit with a wonderful friend, yesterday. She is loving, giving, nurturing, and gave me the best laugh I’ve had in many, many moons!
My friend and her husband frequent a well-known restaurant in the area where I used to live. The spath former-friend who served 3 years in the women’s prison for over 2 dozen counts of “Theft by Deception” is a waitress in this particular establishment and has been telling every customer that she’s served that I had been arrested for “attempted murder” because I “attacked” the exspath with a “knife and boat oar” and “held him hostage” using the same weapons! ROTFLMAO!!!!! Now, there was no explanation or description as to WHY I would be holding a fraudulent sexual deviant hostage – must’ve been to call his spath mother and demand that she (and, her browbeaten husband) pay back all of the money that her spath son stole (by legal definition) from me! LMAOLMAOLMAO
My, my, my….how these Things do tend to glom onto one another for their doses of DramaRama!!!
Just thought this would cause some hilarity on a Monday afternoon!
BRIGHTEST BLESSINGS SPATH SURVIVORS!!!!
Truthspeak, DO NOT POINT THAT BOAT OAR AT ME OR I WILL HAVE YOU ARRESTED! ROTFLMAO LOL CHOKE SNORT SNARF BRAY!
Thanks for the laugh!
Well….it’s coming down to the wire and this article has given me a few strong glimmers of hope that the exspath’s balls could be nailed to the proverbial wall.
“Misconduct.” What a term!! Forging drafts from my private investment account that exceeds the Federal criteria to be considered a Federal Crime seems like a pretty good example of “misconduct” to me. The Feds are not interested in the paltry amount that I can clearly document, but I know in my soul that the total of the exspath’s actions will bode ill for him.
Additionally, the stupid fool has flown in the face of a Court Order in that he has chosen to abandon a property and left it in gross disrepair, failed to maintain property insurance on that dwelling, failed to pay property taxes, and has continued the action under false pretenses which resulted in a delay of the final disposition and my opportunity to pick up what’s left and start putting my life back together.
I want to convey to any victim of a sociopathic partner that DOCUMENTATION is an imperative. DO NOT delete or discard emails, text messages, or any other documents that could help your civil or criminal case. If you believe that you have been defrauded or that income has been hidden, CALL YOUR FINANCIAL INSTITUTIONS! Get copies of ALL records and gather and keep every receipt you can find. Organize this documentation by category and sub-category.
If things just aren’t adding up, DO SOMETHING to either refute or confirm the worst case scenario. Collect hard copies – PRINTED paper documents and statements. Don’t rely upon technological devices to store your evidence. Electronic evidence can be tampered with or disappear. Make copies of the evidence for yourself, your attorney, and possibly Law Enforcement. Your case will depend entirely upon you and rather than dashing around and wringing your hands in despair, collecting documentation will provide a positive, proactive focus that will actually be of help to your recovery and healing.
If there is evidence of infidelity, GET TESTED for every STD, immediately and, again, further down the road. If your partner has passed a STD to you, he/she will have to pay for it in Civil (and, sometimes criminal) Court – this is a “given,” and cannot be “argued” away.
Finally, sociopathic entanglements create carnage across the entire spectrum of Life. From financial to emotional to physical to sexual, the damage is more than normal people can process, on their own. Seek out a strong, competent counseling therapist that “gets it” for several reasons. The first reason is for your own healing purposes – first, and foremost. The second is for the civil and/or criminal action. Attorneys and prosecutors need every ounce of information and the emotional carnage is no exception.
When my case is settled, I may share specific details of what was done to me over 14 years, and relating these events is an effort to help others to avoid being ruined as I was.
Brightest blessings
Just curious…..for those who have already divorced the spath, did you experience anxiety during the “negotiations?”
Truthspeak, What part of being with a spath is not anxiety ridden? I would assume there would be anxiety in any divorce negotiations, spath or not. my 2 cents
Hens, thanks. You’re right and I tend to really berate myself for not being able to “handle it” like I have been “programmed” to.
I really have to keep reminding myself that I’m NOT WonderWoman, and I don’t have all of the answers, AND that I cannot predict anything! Oy-vey….
they should legalize gay marriage, we deserve the right to be just as miserable as everyone else.
lol, Hens… Move to Belgium, you can marry and adopt here as gay. We even have a gay prime minister. He’s a controversial figure, but not because of his homosexuality… but because he’s a Walloon and not Flemish and speaks French and bad Dutch. The foreign press, especially from the US, couldn’t understand Flemish made a fuss over him being born at the wrong side of the language border, but nobody made a fuss about his sexual identity. 🙂