Editor’s note: The following article, written by Laura Johnson, is reproduced from SmartDivorce.com. It offers tips that may help people who are divorcing a sociopath.
Even though your state may be a no-fault divorce state, it doesn’t mean that you or your spouse won’t have to answer in some way for any misbehavior during the marriage. It’s what divorce lawyers and courts refer to as marital misconduct and, in certain states, can affect the outcome of the division of property, an award of spousal support, or an award of attorney’s fees for the victim-spouse.
The legal definition of marital misconduct is any conduct that undermines the marital relationship. It becomes a factor in a divorce when the offender-spouse’s behavior forces the victim-spouse to assume extra burdens in the marriage. It isn’t meant to punish the offender-spouse or award him or her an inadequate amount of property or income, but to fairly compensate the victim-spouse.
The rationale behind this theory is that the victim-spouse is compelled to contribute more to the marriage because of the offender-spouse’s misconduct, therefore he or she is entitled to have the offender-spouse’s behavior taken into consideration when property or income are divided. Marital misconduct can be disregarded if both spouses are guilty of marital misconduct. In some states, marital misconduct is specifically disregarded as a matter of law.
In those states where misconduct is a factor, there are several broad categories of behavior that might be classified as marital misconduct. They are:
- habitual drunkenness or addiction,
- adultery,
- domestic violence,
- cruel and abusive behavior, or
- economic fault.
Once the offender-spouse’s behavior has reached the level of marital misconduct, it is the court’s responsibility to determine just how much weight to give to it in each specific situation. Some of the considerations the court looks at when deciding this issue are:
- the length of the marriage,
- the character of the misconduct,
- the time period during the marriage when the misconduct occurred, and
- the frequency of the conduct and whether it was continual.
Certain types of marital misconduct may have more of an impact upon a court’s decision-making than others. For example, cruelty or domestic violence might not be a relevant or appropriate consideration for making an equitable division of property because this type of misbehavior typically isn’t relevant to the acquisition of marital property. The same cannot be said for economic fault, adultery or an addiction, all of which can directly influence a couple’s property.
There are several types of economic fault. They are:
- dissipation of assets,
- hiding assets,
- diverting marital or community income to pay for an addiction,
- spending marital or community income on an extramarital relationship,
- excessive or abnormal spending,
- destruction of property,
- the fraudulent sale or conveyance of property, and
- any other unfair conduct that prevents the court from making an equitable division of property.
Some divorcing spouses believe that once they are separated and a divorce filed that marital misconduct, especially adultery or economic fault, has no effect on the outcome in a divorce. That isn’t actually the case. Each divorce is very fact specific and the same logic about the impact of marital misconduct on the division of property applies whether it occurred prior to the separation or during the pendency of a divorce. This is particularly true for economic misconduct.
There are some states that have statutes that specifically permit a court to award a disproportionate or lesser share of property to an offender-spouse, particularly if the misconduct can be classified as economic. The facts of each particular divorce play a heavy role in how the court applies the law.
In cases that involve the dissipation, hiding or destruction of assets, the excessive or abnormal spending of income, or the fraudulent conveyance of assets the court can’t increase the size of the marital or community estate that actually exists. However, it can order a disparate division of the existing and known property to reimburse the victim-spouse for his or her loss in the couple’s estate.
In addition to having a possible effect on the division of property, marital misconduct may also have an effect on the amount of spousal support an ex-spouse may receive provided he or she qualifies for such support. This can work both ways. If the spouse who may be entitled to receive support is guilty of the misconduct, his or her receipt of support may be in jeopardy depending upon the nature and level of the misconduct. On the other hand, a paying spouse might have to pay more, especially if his or her behavior caused the victim-spouse to give up or reduce the ability to earn income.
The following states take marital fault into consideration when determining an award of spousal support: Alabama, Arizona, Connecticut, District of Columbia, Florida, Georgia, Idaho, Louisiana, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Mississippi, Missouri, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New York, North Dakota, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Virginia, West Virginia and Wyoming. (Source: American Bar Association, Family Law Quarterly, Winter 1998, Tables Summarizing the Law in Fifty States)
The following states take marital misconduct, especially economic fault, into consideration when dividing marital or community property or in reimbursing the marital or community estate: Alaska, Arizona, California, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, District of Columbia, Florida, Hawaii, Illinois, Indiana, Kansas, Kentucky, Maine, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New York, North Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, West Virginia and Wisconsin. (Source: American Bar Association, Family Law Quarterly, Winter 1998, Tables Summarizing the Law in Fifty States).
Divorce and marital misconduct…just the post I needed to get information on!!!
I see quite a few posters here who I recognize and several that must have healed and moved on. I’m sure there is a lot of advice that could be gotten from those who have “been there”.
As many of you may know, I left my husband and the marital home due to posioning, gaslighting and frankly I think me was trying to get me to go crazy and commit suicide. I was slowly learning of his affairs and other professional misbehaviors and being the idiot I am (trusting and expecting to be told the truth) I confronted him with my evidence. No wonder I deserved to be punished. This was in late August.
I am embarrassed to say though, that I tried reconcilliation and bargaining with the devil…I truly had no clue as to the depth of his depravity. I still don’t and it pains me to know that I never will. There have been “tells” and several other issues have popped up, but he will never reveal the truth. He knows that honesty is very important to me and again like so many others it is the thing that will forever trouble me.
To the legal issues!!! I have recently retained an aggressive attorney who although doesn’t really get it about “P”s, comes highly recommended from a female attorney who does. She says he is smart and strong and is a good match persoanlity wise to my “P” if it should go to court. (apparently that doesn’t happen much in NY)
Anyway to get to my concerns.
1) I like truthspeak(years ago) feel extreme anxiety. I have fear of moving forward as well as fear for my personal safety. I feel like I should be able to deal with this more than I am. I also want to point out that since I fled the home, he will not leave (plays the pity card that he can’t afford to move, has no friends -this i do agree on. only lovers he used) I on the other hand have been sleeping on friends and family’s couches and spare beds since August.
2) I lost my teaching job in 2011 and have just been offered a part time 20 hour a week job for 9.00 an hour. I can not survive or live on my own on that. The economy is terrible. I still have health insurance through “P”s employer, but once divorced will lose that.
3) At this point I am feeling mighty depressed. Drs did offer medicines, but they mostly made me sleepy and unfocused.
I do believe that hiring the litigation focused attorney is probably a good choice as the “P” wanted to sit down with me and divy everything up- this almost made me move back in with him…OMG they are good at drawing us back in…I can not do mediation with him. NC as much as possible.
So ladies and gentlemen of the posting…
If you had one (or two ) invaluable pearls of advice to share while separating from or divorcing your “P”…Please share here
Remember I am in NY so specific laws in your area may not apply.
Thanks all, you’ve been my light at the end of the tunnel…
how long is this damn tunnel anyway??
Discovering, I’m glad that you found this article in the archives.
I am not familiar with the divorce laws in NY, but I’m going to assume that “No Fault” divorce is maintained in your State, as well. Some States provide for specific situations, but most simply involve “equitable distribution” of all assets and debt obligations.
Do you have attorney representation, yet? If not, it is probably a good choice to retain one, EVEN if you must borrow the money from friends and/or family to do so. If you DO choose to borrow the money from them, be certain that these people understand that they may not ever be repaid.
If there is any way to have the friends that you’re staying with “charge” you rent, either in fact or in theory, it would be a VERY GOOD thing to document via written receipts.
Do you still have joint banking accounts with the spath? If so, DRAIN THEM and close them out.
What about joint debt? If you have a joint mortgage on the house, that will be considered, as well. Joint vehicle loans? ANY joint debt will be divided. In my case, the only joint debt was a home mortgage, home equity loan, and vehicle loan. The exspath had several personal credit accounts and he tried to rush me into filing a “joint bankruptcy” with him which would have made ME legally responsible for HIS debts. Sign NOTHING without the express advice of an attorney.
Are you receiving ANY spousal support? As for the part-time position, DO IT. You will likely have minimum wages imputed, regardless, so ANY income will be an example that you intend to do the best that you can to earn your own income.
Mediation is for parties who intend to part under as amicable circumstances as possible.
Moving back in with the spath is a repulsive possibility – that is something that is best discussed with your attorney. In my case, I entertained the idea for about 10 minutes, and I was too fearful of what the exspath was to agree to it.
The length of the tunnel? Oh, my……..I wish I could tell you that! LOL!!! Each of us has our own tunnel to travel, and its length is quite specific to each individual.
Hope some of this was helpful.
Brightest blessings
EDIT ADD: If the spath cheated during your marriage, get STD testing, immediately. Most States provide separate Civil actions directly related to STD’s and these awards CANNOT be bankrupted, to my knowledge (neither can divorce settlements).
Truthspeak;
Attorney; 3,500 retainer paid from accounts below
Joint accounts; drained
Joint debt; home mort, home equity
STD; herpes
I have been paying incidentals such as electric bills, food, fuel bills, charge cards, ect for friends and family
Am not receiving any support from him except he is legally responsible for paying all of the household expenses including the above debt. ( once I filed for divorce this was stipulated).
Discovering, okay…..now, what has your attorney told you with regard to the STD suit? Go for this with tooth and nail.
Okay, the paying household bills, only, is bullshit. So far, what has your attorney DONE for you? You should continue being covered by the spath’s health insurance until the divorce is final – no discussion on that issue. You should also be receiving spousal support, EVEN if it is minimal – speak to your attorney to file a Motion for Support and make certain – absolute certain – that it is wage-executed which means that it is taken directly from his payroll. No checks that are lost in the mail, etc. Wage Execution.
How many years married?
Truthspeak;
31 years tomorrow ( If I were still there)
I have no support now, had been getting unemployment because of teaching job. New job to start in April. It’s hard to go from teaching to customer service, but it’s the only job that I’ve been able to get.
The attorney and I have met only once, but I can’t recall him saying any thing about the STD- my main concern at the time was the poison that they found in my urine and my subsequent safety. That is why I fled in the first place, the STD was just a parting gift :/
PS: edit – still on health insurance, made sure of that due to poisoning and subsequent neuropathy.
Truthy,
I did all that during the divorce and as we speakmy attorney is filing a motion of enforcement of what was awarded in the decree.
They say/agree to one thing and then this constant court thing is thier version of back door contact??
Discovering, due to the length of your marriage you WILL be entitled to spousal support… Do not count on it. get AS much of the coomunity assets as possible up front.
Also while grocery shopping pay with your debit card and ALWAYS ask for cash back to put away.
The wage executed part is crucial but my ex got fired from a very senior position about six months ago and has been “unable” (BS) to find another job. I also was covered by my ex’s Cobra for 18 months…. your attorney need to WORK this and yes PLEASE decimate the man with your STD suit!!!
Also Diccovering I had a friend who filed with an attorney in private practice… She bartered for services..One way to reduce legal costs….she chose a female attorney and did haircuts and color….for friends and family!
Thanks Immarra and TS;
I have no credit/debit card as it was not a joint account that he took me off of- not sure of the legality of that or whether I should have to pay on that debt as it is only in his name. Therefore, I have been on a cash only diet.
The attorneys here are not cheap, but could be worse.
300 hr. I wish I could do some bartering- I’ll have to ask if anyone needs to be tutored in reading !
Thanks girls
Discovering I can’t give you legal advice but it sounds as if Truthy who has recently been through a divorce is giviing you some ideas any way.
What I can advise you on is to continue to take medication and if it isn’t woking or is making you drowsy or other side effects, see a psychiatrist not just your mediical doctor for mental health Rx.
Also, a therapist who gets it is a MUST if your insurance will cover it.
You might actually be better off to drag out the divorce in order to keep the medical insurance as long as possible and maybe til you can get a job with insurance. Paying COBRA is usually out of the ball park HIGH.
Also make sure your STDs are documented medically so if your state allows for marital misconduct you can use that as ammo.
Taking care of yourself is and must be the main focus and that means eat right, sleep, exercise and do all the things that you know are “good for you” physically, emotionally, and every other way. Keep on reading articles from the archives here and learning it will help. Be GOOOD TO yourself! (((hugs))) and prayers
Discovering, understand that I am not a legal expert, on any level, with the exception of 2 divorces from sociopaths, so I can only type about what I have experienced and what my attorney told me.
OxD is SPOT-ON!!! If the insurance pays “mental health” coverage, USE IT, NOW. To find the best fit for a counseling therapist in your locale, contact your local domestic violence hotline or http://www.thehotline.org.
ASK for a list of trained professionals that are experts in PSTD, sexual abuse, and domestic abuse.
OxD is also spot-on about the medical documentation. It is VITAL that this documentation be gathered, ASAP. Keep in mind that ANY legwork that you do to gather documents (like JOINT financial statements) will save you money in attorney’s fees, and this includes medical documents. It will cost you hundreds to have your attorney collect your medical documentation.
Additionally, I would encourage that you begin writing down what you want from this divorce. COBRA health care will be impossible to pay for unless you receive a healthy alimony award. I do not know about your State, but the State where I was divorced would have provided for “Alimony For Life” as per the years that you were married. You should also be entitled to 1/2 of his retirement. But, again, I don’t know these things about your State, and these things should be discussed with your attorney, especially the STD. Did you tell your attorney about this in your consultation?
Most of all, put OxD’s words into serious use: take care of yourself, FIRST. Worrying, cogitating, ruminating, and obsessive thinking will not help you recover from this.
And, remember this vital fact: your attorney is NOT a counseling therapist and he/she is not interested in how you “feel.” An attorney is only interested in documented facts. So, this (among other reasons) is why securing professional and strong counseling therapy with someone that “gets it” about what you’ve experienced is VITAL.
Brightest blessings
EDIT ADD: $300 per hour is a common fee for divorce attorneys. This is why it is important to do as much gathering of documentation yourself, as possible. 😀