Editor’s note: The following article, written by Laura Johnson, is reproduced from SmartDivorce.com. It offers tips that may help people who are divorcing a sociopath.
Even though your state may be a no-fault divorce state, it doesn’t mean that you or your spouse won’t have to answer in some way for any misbehavior during the marriage. It’s what divorce lawyers and courts refer to as marital misconduct and, in certain states, can affect the outcome of the division of property, an award of spousal support, or an award of attorney’s fees for the victim-spouse.
The legal definition of marital misconduct is any conduct that undermines the marital relationship. It becomes a factor in a divorce when the offender-spouse’s behavior forces the victim-spouse to assume extra burdens in the marriage. It isn’t meant to punish the offender-spouse or award him or her an inadequate amount of property or income, but to fairly compensate the victim-spouse.
The rationale behind this theory is that the victim-spouse is compelled to contribute more to the marriage because of the offender-spouse’s misconduct, therefore he or she is entitled to have the offender-spouse’s behavior taken into consideration when property or income are divided. Marital misconduct can be disregarded if both spouses are guilty of marital misconduct. In some states, marital misconduct is specifically disregarded as a matter of law.
In those states where misconduct is a factor, there are several broad categories of behavior that might be classified as marital misconduct. They are:
- habitual drunkenness or addiction,
- adultery,
- domestic violence,
- cruel and abusive behavior, or
- economic fault.
Once the offender-spouse’s behavior has reached the level of marital misconduct, it is the court’s responsibility to determine just how much weight to give to it in each specific situation. Some of the considerations the court looks at when deciding this issue are:
- the length of the marriage,
- the character of the misconduct,
- the time period during the marriage when the misconduct occurred, and
- the frequency of the conduct and whether it was continual.
Certain types of marital misconduct may have more of an impact upon a court’s decision-making than others. For example, cruelty or domestic violence might not be a relevant or appropriate consideration for making an equitable division of property because this type of misbehavior typically isn’t relevant to the acquisition of marital property. The same cannot be said for economic fault, adultery or an addiction, all of which can directly influence a couple’s property.
There are several types of economic fault. They are:
- dissipation of assets,
- hiding assets,
- diverting marital or community income to pay for an addiction,
- spending marital or community income on an extramarital relationship,
- excessive or abnormal spending,
- destruction of property,
- the fraudulent sale or conveyance of property, and
- any other unfair conduct that prevents the court from making an equitable division of property.
Some divorcing spouses believe that once they are separated and a divorce filed that marital misconduct, especially adultery or economic fault, has no effect on the outcome in a divorce. That isn’t actually the case. Each divorce is very fact specific and the same logic about the impact of marital misconduct on the division of property applies whether it occurred prior to the separation or during the pendency of a divorce. This is particularly true for economic misconduct.
There are some states that have statutes that specifically permit a court to award a disproportionate or lesser share of property to an offender-spouse, particularly if the misconduct can be classified as economic. The facts of each particular divorce play a heavy role in how the court applies the law.
In cases that involve the dissipation, hiding or destruction of assets, the excessive or abnormal spending of income, or the fraudulent conveyance of assets the court can’t increase the size of the marital or community estate that actually exists. However, it can order a disparate division of the existing and known property to reimburse the victim-spouse for his or her loss in the couple’s estate.
In addition to having a possible effect on the division of property, marital misconduct may also have an effect on the amount of spousal support an ex-spouse may receive provided he or she qualifies for such support. This can work both ways. If the spouse who may be entitled to receive support is guilty of the misconduct, his or her receipt of support may be in jeopardy depending upon the nature and level of the misconduct. On the other hand, a paying spouse might have to pay more, especially if his or her behavior caused the victim-spouse to give up or reduce the ability to earn income.
The following states take marital fault into consideration when determining an award of spousal support: Alabama, Arizona, Connecticut, District of Columbia, Florida, Georgia, Idaho, Louisiana, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Mississippi, Missouri, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New York, North Dakota, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Virginia, West Virginia and Wyoming. (Source: American Bar Association, Family Law Quarterly, Winter 1998, Tables Summarizing the Law in Fifty States)
The following states take marital misconduct, especially economic fault, into consideration when dividing marital or community property or in reimbursing the marital or community estate: Alaska, Arizona, California, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, District of Columbia, Florida, Hawaii, Illinois, Indiana, Kansas, Kentucky, Maine, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New York, North Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, West Virginia and Wisconsin. (Source: American Bar Association, Family Law Quarterly, Winter 1998, Tables Summarizing the Law in Fifty States).
I am not convinced tiger woods and jessie james are the same, even though their actions mimic each other; I base this on the interviews that I have read about their wives. Sandra Bollock was under the impression they were in love. She was completely bamboozled to the point that she was thanking him for having her back in front of the whole world. I read that Tiger Woods wife spent most of her time alone and was unhappy throughout the marriage. She was not bamboozled that their life was the perfect love.
Maybe they are the same, just in different stages of the act; but I am not totally convinced of this. I do know for sure that Sandra was completely led astray to the point that she was humiliating herself in public because she was living a lie.
Sandra fits more closely with my experience, because I thought we had love and i went so far as to have a baby and then end up humiliating myself at 6 months pregnant when he proved to the whole world that the love was a sham and not true. up until that point I had no idea that it wasn’t real, and I don’t think Sandra did either. Tiger woods wife on the other hand, doesn’t seem bamboozled and maybe that is why she is taking him back. From the articles I read she seems to have known that their marriage was not all that great, so her level of humiliation (at least to herself) may have felt less because she was living closer to the truth throughout their marriage.
That is my perspective as an extreme outsider. Either way I would get rid of both of them.
I flip flopped between Sandra and Elin……
I guess that would name me Selina.
Not happy….and bamboozled!
GrEAT COMBINATION!!!!!
XXOO
SELINA
Bird:
I don’t think Jesse James & Tiger Woods are the same, either. No 2 people are exactly the same.
But, their cheating habits are VERY SIMILAR.
The fact that Elin is reacting differently or may have been a little more aware of what was going on with Tiger as opposed to Sandra, who seems to have been more in the FOG with Jesse, speaks to the differences in the 2 women, as opposed to the differences in the 2 men.
If someone punches you in the face, you might punch back.
If someone punches me in the face, I might walk away (and hire a hit man later 🙂 ).
We both got the same treatment, but our reactions to it are different.
That’s the difference between you and me.
It has nothing to do with the abuser’s behavior, because the abuser’s behavior was the same.
That’s all I’m trying to say.
Maybe you are right.
Maybe Jesse James is a much better gaslighter/con artist than Tiger, and that’s why Sandra was in the FOG so deeply. Or maybe there is something in Sandra’s past that made her so blind.
Maybe Elin is better at trusting her gut instincts.
Who knows????
These are impossible questions to answer.
The only people who really know what’s going on are the 2 people in the marraige.
Whatever was going on in both marriages… I guarantee you one thing…
THERE WERE RED FLAGS WAVING IN BOTH MARRIAGES FOR BOTH WOMEN.
Perhaps like so many of us, the women chose to ignore it or didnt know how to deal with them, chose to deny it, or acept sorry excuses/defenses. In Sandras case I believe like so many of us she fell in love with the idea of love, practically idealized “it/him”… believing in the false notion that if you give someone your best they surely will do the same in return. His actions at times surely must have given her that awkwardness in her stomache…but when you dont know what to do with the red flags (flee run move on) you are basically a sitting duck. Jesse and many men (or women for that matter) dont know what to do with a partner who loves them. They are more comfortable with others who use them and dont so much care about them. Its sick…its twisted….
I think Tiger was more of an intentional planned master manipulator – to many including his wife. Esp. when he realized what his profession/status could do for him. They never think they will be caught.
In both marriages the men made unhealthy selfish selfish choices. And I would venture to say the women made unhealthy selfless selfless choices throughout the journey with their spouses.
What made Sandra so blind …might have been never being exposed to a personality like Jesses…never knowing such toxic men in her life and never being made aware of the red flags, how to handle them and what she truly deserves. She had Jesse’s back…so she assumed he had hers…I bet my bottom dollar he didnt exhibit “having your back” kind of behavior…In her Barbara Walters interview I sensed a woman who needed to feel someone had her back…instead of first learning to hold herself up on her own and leaning on eachother for support if need be…
Its weird how one has to go through so much pain in able to begin to learn about themselves and others in life. You would think we would all have some way of educating eachother early in life – about the red flags, the things we do/dont deserve and how to love ourselves first and expect only the best – and make certain we are treated with good real actions from significant others.
just my two cents… these two media stories should be the beginning of possibilities for exposure to toxic dysfunctional personality disordered topics to the public and bring awareness to RED FLAGS, etc….
421dmb2
so sorry with all you you have been through. You are learning all the time though I can really hear that, YOU KNOW the structure that is needed when going through a divorce with a sociopath.
There should be a special edition of rules and regulations when dealing with, what is is effect a non human, an anti human being and YOU should be consulted when it is being drawn up.
Is there any way you could put forward some guidelines for people going through this process with a sociopath???
Feel proud that you can put words on your experience and warn others!!! that’s great.
Oh and by the way, How are you today?
I am just overwhelmed with the extent these F”ck***rs DAMAGE!!!!
RAAAAAAARRRRRH! okay now I’m a bit better. Calm down bulletproof.
So where was i? yes guidelines….advice….teach
Dear ROSA,
GREAT MINDS RUN IN THE SAME TRACK—I am also reading “Gaslight Effect,” started it last night in fact! “Stalking the Soul” hasn’t arrived yet, should this week I imagine.
I agree with two things, 1) only the intimates of the relationship can know what is going on, and one of them may be BLINDED by the FOG and 2) the different women can react differently to the same kind of treatment.
It is yet to be seen if Tiger’s “marriage” arrangement will “last” and how long before he gets caught again. We can pretty well figure he is not going to CHANGE. Many people stay in a “marriage” because of lots of reasons besides “love”–do you think Anna Nichole Smith married the old guy for “LOVE”? Ah come on! LOL
I feel sorry for anyone who decides to stay in a “marriage” that is not for love, but they are 21 and can make their own decisions, but I just think back to Nichole Brown-Simpson and even though she wasn’t still in the “marriage,” she was still in a twisted relationship with him and look what it cost her. Look how many times she took him back after he abused her physically.
Not all Psychopaths become killers but so many guys and women who do commit domestic violence end up doing some pretty nasty stuff! Killing included.
Saw one on Dateline last night were a woman made her pre-teen kids help her dispose of the body! Finally, after 27 years one of the girls told someone and the woman was convicted, and typical for a Psychopath, she blamed it on the daughter who exposed her, who was 12 at the time!!!!! There were eventually 10 (TEN) members of the family who knew about the murder, and only this one woman finally exposed it.
The worst part to me what that when the daughter would try to talk to the mother about it, the mother would say “I love you and if it takes me turning myself in to make you happy, I will do it.” Talk about the FOG–fear, obligation and guilt that woman was laying on her daughter to keep her quiet.
OxDrover:
I think “The Gaslight Effect” is another great book.
I’m finding a lot of valuable information.
I think it’s a great book for anyone who wants to enter the dating arena, and is afraid of getting hooked up with another abuser.
Rosa
Thanks, I so want to enter the dating arena but am so ultra cautious its a bit of a joke…..
I DO NOT WANT AN ABUSER EVER AGAIN
(I can hear a psychopath laugh in the distance….)
“Anna Nichole Smith married the old guy for “LOVE”?”
SHE DIDN”T??????????
Bulletproof:
I also like going out on a good old-fashioned date once in a while myself.
I like strong, powerful men who take charge.
Some call that the sociopath type….but I don’t want a sociopath.
I refuse to believe that every strong, take-charge kind of guy that I meet is going to be a socio.
It’s tricky, though.
There CANNOT be any “hiccups” in their personality.
A “hiccup” is a “what the hell was that” kind of moment.
I think you know what I mean.
No HICCUPS allowed! In fact, don’t even stare too long.
SO…..I am arming myself with knowledge to protect myself.
Because, let’s face it…it’s a jungle out there.
I have replaced the rose-colored glasses with a magnifying glass and pepper spray.
Wish me luck….