Editor’s note: The following article, written by Laura Johnson, is reproduced from SmartDivorce.com. It offers tips that may help people who are divorcing a sociopath.
Even though your state may be a no-fault divorce state, it doesn’t mean that you or your spouse won’t have to answer in some way for any misbehavior during the marriage. It’s what divorce lawyers and courts refer to as marital misconduct and, in certain states, can affect the outcome of the division of property, an award of spousal support, or an award of attorney’s fees for the victim-spouse.
The legal definition of marital misconduct is any conduct that undermines the marital relationship. It becomes a factor in a divorce when the offender-spouse’s behavior forces the victim-spouse to assume extra burdens in the marriage. It isn’t meant to punish the offender-spouse or award him or her an inadequate amount of property or income, but to fairly compensate the victim-spouse.
The rationale behind this theory is that the victim-spouse is compelled to contribute more to the marriage because of the offender-spouse’s misconduct, therefore he or she is entitled to have the offender-spouse’s behavior taken into consideration when property or income are divided. Marital misconduct can be disregarded if both spouses are guilty of marital misconduct. In some states, marital misconduct is specifically disregarded as a matter of law.
In those states where misconduct is a factor, there are several broad categories of behavior that might be classified as marital misconduct. They are:
- habitual drunkenness or addiction,
- adultery,
- domestic violence,
- cruel and abusive behavior, or
- economic fault.
Once the offender-spouse’s behavior has reached the level of marital misconduct, it is the court’s responsibility to determine just how much weight to give to it in each specific situation. Some of the considerations the court looks at when deciding this issue are:
- the length of the marriage,
- the character of the misconduct,
- the time period during the marriage when the misconduct occurred, and
- the frequency of the conduct and whether it was continual.
Certain types of marital misconduct may have more of an impact upon a court’s decision-making than others. For example, cruelty or domestic violence might not be a relevant or appropriate consideration for making an equitable division of property because this type of misbehavior typically isn’t relevant to the acquisition of marital property. The same cannot be said for economic fault, adultery or an addiction, all of which can directly influence a couple’s property.
There are several types of economic fault. They are:
- dissipation of assets,
- hiding assets,
- diverting marital or community income to pay for an addiction,
- spending marital or community income on an extramarital relationship,
- excessive or abnormal spending,
- destruction of property,
- the fraudulent sale or conveyance of property, and
- any other unfair conduct that prevents the court from making an equitable division of property.
Some divorcing spouses believe that once they are separated and a divorce filed that marital misconduct, especially adultery or economic fault, has no effect on the outcome in a divorce. That isn’t actually the case. Each divorce is very fact specific and the same logic about the impact of marital misconduct on the division of property applies whether it occurred prior to the separation or during the pendency of a divorce. This is particularly true for economic misconduct.
There are some states that have statutes that specifically permit a court to award a disproportionate or lesser share of property to an offender-spouse, particularly if the misconduct can be classified as economic. The facts of each particular divorce play a heavy role in how the court applies the law.
In cases that involve the dissipation, hiding or destruction of assets, the excessive or abnormal spending of income, or the fraudulent conveyance of assets the court can’t increase the size of the marital or community estate that actually exists. However, it can order a disparate division of the existing and known property to reimburse the victim-spouse for his or her loss in the couple’s estate.
In addition to having a possible effect on the division of property, marital misconduct may also have an effect on the amount of spousal support an ex-spouse may receive provided he or she qualifies for such support. This can work both ways. If the spouse who may be entitled to receive support is guilty of the misconduct, his or her receipt of support may be in jeopardy depending upon the nature and level of the misconduct. On the other hand, a paying spouse might have to pay more, especially if his or her behavior caused the victim-spouse to give up or reduce the ability to earn income.
The following states take marital fault into consideration when determining an award of spousal support: Alabama, Arizona, Connecticut, District of Columbia, Florida, Georgia, Idaho, Louisiana, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Mississippi, Missouri, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New York, North Dakota, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Virginia, West Virginia and Wyoming. (Source: American Bar Association, Family Law Quarterly, Winter 1998, Tables Summarizing the Law in Fifty States)
The following states take marital misconduct, especially economic fault, into consideration when dividing marital or community property or in reimbursing the marital or community estate: Alaska, Arizona, California, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, District of Columbia, Florida, Hawaii, Illinois, Indiana, Kansas, Kentucky, Maine, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New York, North Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, West Virginia and Wisconsin. (Source: American Bar Association, Family Law Quarterly, Winter 1998, Tables Summarizing the Law in Fifty States).
rosa – every woman’s best accessories!
Rosa,
a magnifying glass and a GUN is a better option for accessorising yourself.
Yea, I am enjoying the book so far, but it isn’t a thing that I reserve for just dating, I think any relationship can have gaslighting in it. Useful knowledge at home, work or play!
I don’t think the natural gas line that runs under my land clear to Chicago could carry all the “gas” that has been “lighted” for my benefit throughout my life. Especially by my egg donor.
As I learn more about this junk I am able to go back and put a “meaning” and a “word” to some of the memories I have from the past, kind of like SEEING RED FLAGS in retrospect. But, at least it makes those memories make SENSE now.
I guess too if you don’t know the CAUSE of some consequences you can’t prevent it in the future. I once watched a horse reach it’s head OVER an electric fence wire to get a drink (it did not know the wire was there) it touched the fence with its neck and “stampeeded up and down and all directions at once” but it did NOT connect the shock to the fence, but to the BUCKET it was drinking from. So the horse did not learn about fences, and you could never get that horse NEAR A BUCKET AGAIN because he thought he had been BITTEN by the bucket.
So sometimes I think we attach consequences to something that is not the actual cause of the PAIN WE EXPERIENCED. In seeing “red flags in retrospect” I think we can learn a great deal because I don’t want to be “running from buckets’ when the real cause is a FENCE CHARGER.
The gaslight effect; I should read that. I have been with one bad man after another since the sociopath. My picker is broken. My current boyfriend just asked me to borrow my car for the weekend because his is broken, and when I said I needed a car here because of the kids, he said ” thanks a lot!” In a sarcastic, guilt provoking way. I said “will you leave your car?” He said yes he would and that my concern of needing a car is totally unfounded. I said “but I have the kids here, and I need a car”. I then told him “I don’t borrow my car to people who treat me like crap, that is not how it works” and I hung up. Oh well. I think it might be one of those red flags that we are talking about. But then again, maybe its just me. There can’t be this many bad dudes in the world. I can’t be picking all of them. I don’t get it.
I hear ya about the reactions of sandra and erin. Partially the reason I posted it was to see if my thinking on the matter was off or not. Same act; isn’t that strange that both men did the same thing? Is it getting more and more common? Has it always been like this?
Dear Bird,
Sweetie, your PICKER IS BROKEN, and you were TOTALLY right to keep your car. If he wants a car let him provide himself with one.
May I make a suggestion? That you kick this dude to the curb with the other LOSERS and abusers and that you take a break from dating for a while.
One of the things I found as I worked my way through this healing is that just when I thought I was “safe” from melt downs or decisions I should give more thought to, I would have a “problem”—and it some how just takes TIME to get through this thing, Bird, and every time we get ourselves in ANOTHER mess we set ourselves back to square one. The P-BF I dated after my husband died, SET BACK. My egg donor’s illness and my beloved Stepfather’s death=SET BACK and then the Trojan Horse Psychopath=SET BACK and then my son C’s lying to me =SET BACK and so on, one set back after another.
Iit took time of me just focusing on ME and not trying to have a relationship with “man” besides trying to heal.
You can’t get a baby in one month by getting 9 women preg, and healing takes TIME and can’t be rushed.
You are a young woman and young women want a relationship with a mate, and so do OLD WOMEN, LOL but I have learned that ANY person who shows disrespect for me is NO GOOD for me.
DO NOT allow anyone to show you disrespect or to treat you badly. YOU DO NOT NEED THESE PEOPLE. I was so lonely for quite a while and I felt if I had a good man in my life it would make my life better, but I saw (finally) that I have to take care of ME and give myself TIME to heal and be happy and then I can SHARE that happiness with a healthy man who is happy. BUT NO ONE can make me happy except ME!
DO NOT let anyone treat you with disrespect—YOU AND THE BIRDIE DESERVE BETTER! Ditch this loser! ((((Hugs)))) and all my love and prayers, Oxy
So true. Time for a break. I can do it! I think I keep striving for happy ever after still, and I really should stop. I just acted as easter bunny (hiding baskets and eggs) so I am still awake. Tomorrow is a new and wonderful day with the kids. Happy easter ox and hens!
Dear Bird,
Happy Easter to you too sweetie and to my “Baby Birdie”!!!!
The “happy ever after” WILL come in time for you Bird, but the thing I have found is that it does NOT take anyone else to make me happy, just ME! Even with 100 people who love me, none of them can make me happy, I have to do that myself!!!!
Happiness is a do-it-yourself project! I remember the first Easter we hid eggs for my first little boy! Oh, my gosh did he enjoy that and found all the eggs!
ENJOY those babies! and Take care of YOU and THEM…focus on just that and nothing else! NOTHING ELSE!!!!
THE HAPPY EVER AFTER is finally getting there for me, Bird, and it has been slow. After my husband died I thoujght I would never be happy again, then I thought a man would make me happy and I PICKED A P! No happiness there, just more misery! Getting myself together is the biggest and best thing I can do to be happy! Even with the “greatest” guy, if I am not happy and respect myself and INSIST that others treat me with respect too—what good is anything?!
You tell that sarcastic horse’s butt that your Aunty Oxy is gonna CLEAN HIS PLOW if he doesn’t get it and get gone! ((((Hugs))))) and all my prayers for you and Birdie! Love Oxy
Who are you calling a sarcastic horse butt? I started painting the ouside of ny house this morning, this is something I wanted to do two years ago, but now that I have that pain in the ass out of my life I can get off my ass and do things again..not sure if I like the color i picked but have to go with it..
guess I am going to church in the morning with all the other easter sunday hypocrites, my grandson called and asked so I cant say know to that..wont hurt me none..I just thot of something , it was easter sunday four years ago I went to church with my kids, I remember what a empty confused shell of a person i was then,, I prayed for an answer as what to do with M..a year later he was gone..I also remember what M did that morning I went to church, I will spare all the details, oh my I am a very happy guy now as compared to then..
Happy Easter to every one hope you all find that lucky Egg…
YES….Happy Easter to my LF friends……
I hope the Easter bunny leaves some good caramel filled eggs for you all!!!
XXOO
EB
Happy Easter to you too, Hens. I feel blessed, too. I am so much happier this year, than I was last, or the year before.
Hope you find a good egg. But if you don’t hope you find the treasure in yourself and have a wonderful day.
Happy Easter lovefraud friends!!
This time last year, the shit was about to hit the fan and I had a false sense of security. I was blindly in love and naively believed that the s’path was in love with me too.
I feel better now-this year. I feel good that life is real now. It’s not the most fun in the world but I am not in a fake happiness and being fooled anymore. Even though I’m alone, I feel lucky and blessed that everything is mostly calm.
It’s a pretty day here in NOLA-hoping we can hold off on the rain until tomorrow when I’m working and hoping that the beeper doesn’t go off.
I’m watching “The War”-one of my favorite movies and will probably get out and get in a nice walk.
Have a wonderful day everyone!