Editor’s note: The following article, written by Laura Johnson, is reproduced from SmartDivorce.com. It offers tips that may help people who are divorcing a sociopath.
Even though your state may be a no-fault divorce state, it doesn’t mean that you or your spouse won’t have to answer in some way for any misbehavior during the marriage. It’s what divorce lawyers and courts refer to as marital misconduct and, in certain states, can affect the outcome of the division of property, an award of spousal support, or an award of attorney’s fees for the victim-spouse.
The legal definition of marital misconduct is any conduct that undermines the marital relationship. It becomes a factor in a divorce when the offender-spouse’s behavior forces the victim-spouse to assume extra burdens in the marriage. It isn’t meant to punish the offender-spouse or award him or her an inadequate amount of property or income, but to fairly compensate the victim-spouse.
The rationale behind this theory is that the victim-spouse is compelled to contribute more to the marriage because of the offender-spouse’s misconduct, therefore he or she is entitled to have the offender-spouse’s behavior taken into consideration when property or income are divided. Marital misconduct can be disregarded if both spouses are guilty of marital misconduct. In some states, marital misconduct is specifically disregarded as a matter of law.
In those states where misconduct is a factor, there are several broad categories of behavior that might be classified as marital misconduct. They are:
- habitual drunkenness or addiction,
- adultery,
- domestic violence,
- cruel and abusive behavior, or
- economic fault.
Once the offender-spouse’s behavior has reached the level of marital misconduct, it is the court’s responsibility to determine just how much weight to give to it in each specific situation. Some of the considerations the court looks at when deciding this issue are:
- the length of the marriage,
- the character of the misconduct,
- the time period during the marriage when the misconduct occurred, and
- the frequency of the conduct and whether it was continual.
Certain types of marital misconduct may have more of an impact upon a court’s decision-making than others. For example, cruelty or domestic violence might not be a relevant or appropriate consideration for making an equitable division of property because this type of misbehavior typically isn’t relevant to the acquisition of marital property. The same cannot be said for economic fault, adultery or an addiction, all of which can directly influence a couple’s property.
There are several types of economic fault. They are:
- dissipation of assets,
- hiding assets,
- diverting marital or community income to pay for an addiction,
- spending marital or community income on an extramarital relationship,
- excessive or abnormal spending,
- destruction of property,
- the fraudulent sale or conveyance of property, and
- any other unfair conduct that prevents the court from making an equitable division of property.
Some divorcing spouses believe that once they are separated and a divorce filed that marital misconduct, especially adultery or economic fault, has no effect on the outcome in a divorce. That isn’t actually the case. Each divorce is very fact specific and the same logic about the impact of marital misconduct on the division of property applies whether it occurred prior to the separation or during the pendency of a divorce. This is particularly true for economic misconduct.
There are some states that have statutes that specifically permit a court to award a disproportionate or lesser share of property to an offender-spouse, particularly if the misconduct can be classified as economic. The facts of each particular divorce play a heavy role in how the court applies the law.
In cases that involve the dissipation, hiding or destruction of assets, the excessive or abnormal spending of income, or the fraudulent conveyance of assets the court can’t increase the size of the marital or community estate that actually exists. However, it can order a disparate division of the existing and known property to reimburse the victim-spouse for his or her loss in the couple’s estate.
In addition to having a possible effect on the division of property, marital misconduct may also have an effect on the amount of spousal support an ex-spouse may receive provided he or she qualifies for such support. This can work both ways. If the spouse who may be entitled to receive support is guilty of the misconduct, his or her receipt of support may be in jeopardy depending upon the nature and level of the misconduct. On the other hand, a paying spouse might have to pay more, especially if his or her behavior caused the victim-spouse to give up or reduce the ability to earn income.
The following states take marital fault into consideration when determining an award of spousal support: Alabama, Arizona, Connecticut, District of Columbia, Florida, Georgia, Idaho, Louisiana, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Mississippi, Missouri, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New York, North Dakota, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Virginia, West Virginia and Wyoming. (Source: American Bar Association, Family Law Quarterly, Winter 1998, Tables Summarizing the Law in Fifty States)
The following states take marital misconduct, especially economic fault, into consideration when dividing marital or community property or in reimbursing the marital or community estate: Alaska, Arizona, California, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, District of Columbia, Florida, Hawaii, Illinois, Indiana, Kansas, Kentucky, Maine, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New York, North Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, West Virginia and Wisconsin. (Source: American Bar Association, Family Law Quarterly, Winter 1998, Tables Summarizing the Law in Fifty States).
Isaw a book once I think the name was “lawyers who sue lawyers” and a friend of mine successfully sued his attorney in CA for malpractice didn’t get a lot, but some money.
Thank you ErinBrock and OxDrover for responding to my inquiry. Priority is the divorce, the legal fraud action is secondary. Money is not the motivation. The goal is stand up for myself, have it reported, investigated, and on record.
Hopefully, this will prevent someone else from having the same experience with the same office.
Me2
Me2, I haven’t read all of the responses, so this may be a redundant suggestion, but Barbara Bentley changed divorce Law as a result of her own horrific experiences with her ex-spath in the State of CA. “Dancing with the Devil,” provides insight, reality, and valuable information on what can possibly occur during (and, after) the separation/divorce proceedings.
ErinBrock and OxDrover have provided some EXCELLENT suggestions, and you can bank on their soundness!
Get through the divorce processes, first, unless your attorney (who should be thoroughly familiar with spath/ppath) suggests otherwise.
Brightest blessings to you, Me2.
Good Afternoon All,
This is my first comment on Lovefraud blog. I have been reading the post / comments for a while now.
My story is like some others. I have been in an on again / off again relationship for 22 years with a man that I now KNOW is a sociopath. Bad thing is… on April 9, 2010 I married this man. He promised to admit himself to an extensive rehab center.
I work for the federal government and have great benefits. Unfortunately, Mr G (that’s what Ill call him) has never worked so my insurance was needed for him to get better. We married, and he knew rehab was no option. The honeymoon was great. Yes, we both drank too much, but I kept thinking this lifestyle was about over. A week after we were married Mr. G told me he didnt need rehab. I was heart broken. Mr G. has an extensive criminal history ranging from theft by deception, domestiv voilence with his ex wife to many, many DUI’s and alcohol related violations.
I dont know if Mr. G’s behavior got worse or if I was just more aware of it after the marriage. (my first marriage, his 4th) I would take his verbal and emotional abuse DAILY. He would text me with horrible messages. I felt the poison of his mental disorder affecting my soul. I knew I had to get out. His best drinking buddy started being at the house all the time. They would drink from the time they got up to the time they passed out, EVERYDAY!! I work 10 hour’s a day, 4 days a week. I am off every Fri, Sat and Sun. There was never a time of peace or relaxation. Only when he and his buddy would go MIA for a few days, did I really get any rest. I am paying all the bills for the house, utilities and food. I dont know where Mr. G got his money, but he always had some to buy alcohol.
The poop hit the fan on May 4th. Mr. G and his buddy had been gone from the house for almost 48 hours. He showed up around 6:45pm. One of my friends (girl) was at the house and we were on the back porch. He stumbled in the house daring me to call the cops on him. He said “this is my house as much as it is yours”. (NOT!! I have owned the house, by myself, since May 1999) He was pumped and looking for a fight. My friend and I ecnored him. That made him even more angry. He started telling me how he had been on a date with one of the girls on his facebook. He also told me that he has pictures of girls private parts on his cell phone, he asked if I wanted to see them. What ???
I felt my insides burning. My friend was so angry, she got into a verbal argument with him. Mr. G pushed her, she pushed back. Eventually, she and I left. We went to her house. I stayed ther for about 2 hours. She brount me home around 8:45pm. I had to be at work the next morning at 7am. Mr. G was still looking for a fight. I went into my bedroom and noticed that he had taken my cell phone, which was charging on my nightstand. He denied it, of course.
I thought, I have had enough. I confronted him about my cell phone. Lie after lie. I must admit, I had drink a few glasses of wine with my friend, so I felt 10 ft tall. After seeing that Mr. G wouldnt admit to taking my phone, I went to bed. Mr. G comes into my room. He has the nerve to get into bed with me and tell me that I better appreciate him. He was talking out of his head. He was telling me he only had 3 weeks to live and I should be good to him. I was sick at my stomach, listening to his lies. I left the bedroom. I saw Mr. G shaving bag on the back porch. I knew in my heart that my cell phone was in his bag. (he covets his shaving bad. No one can ever touch it or look in it) I got the shaving bag off the back porch and was coming back in the house. He confronted me in the living room. He grabbed the bag and went into a back bedroom. He locked the door, I got a butter knife and opened the door. Mr. G. confronted me the minute the door opened. He grabbed me and I grabbed him and we were in a shuving match over the shaving bag. Mr. G. pushed me out of the bedroom into the living room. He then knocked me on the head, causing a lens to come out of my glasses. I went on all 4’s looksing for my lens. I found my lens and went back into the master bedroomand locked the door. I went into the restroom. I could hear Mr. G thought the wall, he was in the kitchen breaking dishes. I ran out and saw him breaking things and his drinking buddy right behind him cleaning things up with a broom and dust pan. I yelled at them then went back into my bedroom and locked the door. Mr. G bused through the bedroom door and punched a hole in my closed door. He approached me on the bed, I resisted him with my legs. Once i was up, we again started hitting puching each other. His buddy broke us up. Mr. G went into the back bedroom and I went back to the master bedroom. I was crying and very upset. Next thing, a knock at the door. The police had been called. Mr. G told them I had stabbed him in the check. I was arrested for aggravated assault. The cop was so accomodating to Mr. G. The office said Mr. G’s story made more since than mine.
Mr. G is a 3 time conviceted felon. I have one speeding ticket on my record. I was lost. I was hurt. I was angry.
While I was sitting in jail, God spoke to me. He said “I said no to you for 22 years, you never listened. Finally I let you have what you thought you wanted. Now look where you are”. WOW, POWERFUL. My mother got me out and I have been staying with her since. I took a TPO (temp protective order) out on Mr. G. He was made to leave my house. I started seeing a counselor. She is GREAT. I feel myself healing from the vicious lifestyle. I have had NO CONTACT with Mr. G. I have filed for divoce, but the civil police cant locate him. I am scared about the charges against me. Does anyone have advise? He has told so many lies about that night. He cant even keep his story straight. When I went by my house after he was made to leave, there were 2 1/2 gallon liquor bottles (one empty, one full), many beer cans and small wiskey bottles in the trash.
I can’t believe I allowed myself to get to this. His manipulation and lies were so powerful. My gut knew something wasnt right, but I didnt listen. Mr. G continues to call police, trying to get back into the house. He is always told NO. We go to court on the protective order, June 1st. I invite any advise, I have never been down this legal road before.
{{{HadEnough01}}} Welcome and I am truly sorry that you’re a member.
I don’t have any suggestions for you, at all, other than to read as many of the older posts as you can. These threads can really fly, sometimes, and many valuable suggestions can be easily overlooked.
Hiring a balls-to-the-wall attorney, counseling (which you have begun), and no contact are priceless. With such a short marriage (6 weeks) you may be able to file for an annulment in your State – but, you’ll have to research that. I know that some States will enter an annulment if two people entered into a marriage under “false” pretenses – insurance coverage MAY qualify. Best to consult an attorney.
Say nothing to “mutual” friends – people that know you both, especially his drinking buddies. Collect, gather, and document any/all evidence of criminal activities, EVEN if you may have known about or were involved in. These are things that must be addressed, at some point, and taking ownership of my own misdeeds was a milestone on my healing path.
Look to OxDrover, ErinBrock, and others who have vast experience with the legal systems. They have more answers and suggestions than I could ever hope to know.
Brightest blessings to you. You’re in the right place, and heading down the path of healing.
Dear Enough,
Welcome to LF, and glad you landed here since you do need some support. I agree with Buttons, get a balls-to-the-walls attorney and STAY WITH THE COUNSELING. YOU are the importanht one here, learning about yourself and why you allowed this abuse (you are not responsible for him doing it but are accountable for repeatedly allowing it)
Start your road to wholeness by NO CONTACT—if he calls, don’t answer, if he texts, don’t read, NO contact. Protect yourself. And START TO FORGIVE YOURSELF—-we’ve all been there where we felt sooooooo stoooooopid, but you’re not, you just made some bad choices, but now you are going to make better ones! We all did! We are all working on making better ones now! God Bless, ande I’m glad He is patient with you too, it took a LOT OF TRIES for me to pass the course as well! ((((Hugs)))))
Mr.G is a Booger, hope he dies in three weeks. Welcome to LF…
hens……….bwahahahahahahaha!!!!
Hadenough:
First Off….NO CONTACT…..this relationship is OVER!
There is no reason to speak to a sociopath. Let’s face it, if you had a healthy relationshiop and could talk…you’d still be together.
I heard yesterday about purchasing a car ……don’t ever buy a car with the ‘future’ in mind.
Let’s put this same concept in place for relationships…..there IS NO FUTURE….
Second…..STOP DRINKING! You make poor decisions when your drinking and you need all your wits about you at this point!
You must make good decisions or your gonna go down with him. This point has been proven to you.
Find a good attorney who ‘gets it’ about sociopathic behaviors and fight the fight of vindication.
I’m curious about what evidence they had on you vs. him that they did not arrest him also……
and that YOU were able to get a TPO and get him out of house?
This is a gap I don’t understand.
Welcome to LF, keep your head on and have patience, diligence and perseverance.
Enough,
Welcome.
I agree with Hens and understand the confusion you feel. There may be reasons for why and how it happened and in time, you will get to the place where you are ready to look into it.
The most important first thing is to know you are welcome here and that all of us understand and empathize what you are going through.
To various degrees, we have all been there.
Be good to yourself, stay NO CONTACT and hang on the the notion it will get better.
We’ll be right here.