Editor’s note: The following article, written by Laura Johnson, is reproduced from SmartDivorce.com. It offers tips that may help people who are divorcing a sociopath.
Even though your state may be a no-fault divorce state, it doesn’t mean that you or your spouse won’t have to answer in some way for any misbehavior during the marriage. It’s what divorce lawyers and courts refer to as marital misconduct and, in certain states, can affect the outcome of the division of property, an award of spousal support, or an award of attorney’s fees for the victim-spouse.
The legal definition of marital misconduct is any conduct that undermines the marital relationship. It becomes a factor in a divorce when the offender-spouse’s behavior forces the victim-spouse to assume extra burdens in the marriage. It isn’t meant to punish the offender-spouse or award him or her an inadequate amount of property or income, but to fairly compensate the victim-spouse.
The rationale behind this theory is that the victim-spouse is compelled to contribute more to the marriage because of the offender-spouse’s misconduct, therefore he or she is entitled to have the offender-spouse’s behavior taken into consideration when property or income are divided. Marital misconduct can be disregarded if both spouses are guilty of marital misconduct. In some states, marital misconduct is specifically disregarded as a matter of law.
In those states where misconduct is a factor, there are several broad categories of behavior that might be classified as marital misconduct. They are:
- habitual drunkenness or addiction,
- adultery,
- domestic violence,
- cruel and abusive behavior, or
- economic fault.
Once the offender-spouse’s behavior has reached the level of marital misconduct, it is the court’s responsibility to determine just how much weight to give to it in each specific situation. Some of the considerations the court looks at when deciding this issue are:
- the length of the marriage,
- the character of the misconduct,
- the time period during the marriage when the misconduct occurred, and
- the frequency of the conduct and whether it was continual.
Certain types of marital misconduct may have more of an impact upon a court’s decision-making than others. For example, cruelty or domestic violence might not be a relevant or appropriate consideration for making an equitable division of property because this type of misbehavior typically isn’t relevant to the acquisition of marital property. The same cannot be said for economic fault, adultery or an addiction, all of which can directly influence a couple’s property.
There are several types of economic fault. They are:
- dissipation of assets,
- hiding assets,
- diverting marital or community income to pay for an addiction,
- spending marital or community income on an extramarital relationship,
- excessive or abnormal spending,
- destruction of property,
- the fraudulent sale or conveyance of property, and
- any other unfair conduct that prevents the court from making an equitable division of property.
Some divorcing spouses believe that once they are separated and a divorce filed that marital misconduct, especially adultery or economic fault, has no effect on the outcome in a divorce. That isn’t actually the case. Each divorce is very fact specific and the same logic about the impact of marital misconduct on the division of property applies whether it occurred prior to the separation or during the pendency of a divorce. This is particularly true for economic misconduct.
There are some states that have statutes that specifically permit a court to award a disproportionate or lesser share of property to an offender-spouse, particularly if the misconduct can be classified as economic. The facts of each particular divorce play a heavy role in how the court applies the law.
In cases that involve the dissipation, hiding or destruction of assets, the excessive or abnormal spending of income, or the fraudulent conveyance of assets the court can’t increase the size of the marital or community estate that actually exists. However, it can order a disparate division of the existing and known property to reimburse the victim-spouse for his or her loss in the couple’s estate.
In addition to having a possible effect on the division of property, marital misconduct may also have an effect on the amount of spousal support an ex-spouse may receive provided he or she qualifies for such support. This can work both ways. If the spouse who may be entitled to receive support is guilty of the misconduct, his or her receipt of support may be in jeopardy depending upon the nature and level of the misconduct. On the other hand, a paying spouse might have to pay more, especially if his or her behavior caused the victim-spouse to give up or reduce the ability to earn income.
The following states take marital fault into consideration when determining an award of spousal support: Alabama, Arizona, Connecticut, District of Columbia, Florida, Georgia, Idaho, Louisiana, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Mississippi, Missouri, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New York, North Dakota, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Virginia, West Virginia and Wyoming. (Source: American Bar Association, Family Law Quarterly, Winter 1998, Tables Summarizing the Law in Fifty States)
The following states take marital misconduct, especially economic fault, into consideration when dividing marital or community property or in reimbursing the marital or community estate: Alaska, Arizona, California, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, District of Columbia, Florida, Hawaii, Illinois, Indiana, Kansas, Kentucky, Maine, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New York, North Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, West Virginia and Wisconsin. (Source: American Bar Association, Family Law Quarterly, Winter 1998, Tables Summarizing the Law in Fifty States).
It also sounds as if the shaving bag is his home for his drugs.
No one I have ever known has carried a shaving bag he’s so concerned about anyone having access to……AND NOT TRAVELING!
Just hope his 3 week death story is true!!!
My X booger became a demon when he drank. I guess he was what you call a binge drinker, would go months without drinking. I think this was the first time I saw the evil in him. We were camping and drinking a few beers, but he kept drinking and wouldnt eat, out of the blue he goes into this rage at something I had done months before. And there was no calming him down, things got real ugly, I was really skeered. Afterwards he promised not to drink ever again. Well the binges came more frequent along with the rages. I had never dealt with this kind of behavior before. I mean to have to consider calling the police to help protect me and my property from someone I thought I loved was kinda ‘not me’..I was like omg what have I got myself into? I soon learned what I was into and got him out of my home and life, and then I fell apart..I think mostly from letting him hang on so long, i think the only reason it lasted three years was because I felt sorry for him and I did fear him and love him – crazy..crazy crazy…I just cant imagine living like this 22 years off and on..hope she gets the life lesson I did..aint nobody worth that chit..
My ex spaths wife forced both of us to write a letter saying that we were together for a year to give to her attorney for the divorce. That was before she cancelled the whole divorce and took him back for the 4th time. I actually feel sorry that one person could be so pathetic. She evidently found out about the four relationships that he had during their marriage. She kicked him out and threatened divorce after each one and then let him beg, cry, and buy his way back in each time. Those two are a match made in heaven really. I feel proud that I will NEVER be in that position ever again. There is no way that anyone married will EVER be able to talk me into that kind of relationship again. I will NEVER feel that I have to settle for someone who is with me part-time and goes home to someone else. No amount of money in the world will let me be with someone knowing that I will cry everynight when he leaves me to go home to someone else. I am too good for that and I deserve way way more than that!
yep Erin72 you deserve much more than that, sorry it has been such a hard lesson for you, but now you know about boundaries, boundaries too protect yourself..I feel sorry for his wife, she must really have very low self esteem – maybe she needs to find love FRAUD
Hens-It’s alright. I feel much better. I am triggered with memories and bad feelings much less than before. I would say that anyone who accepted that kind of behavior continuously as a wife is sad. The thing is though is that she wanted him for his money-she told me that. She tried to get me on her side at first and then became completely hateful. I honestly don’t want her on lovefraud because we can’t stand each other and this place is like my sanctuary. If she was here, I would not be here.
ErinBrock,
Thanks for the advise. To answer your questions. I have an attorney for my divorce. I had already been talking to him before the May 4th incident. When I went to my bond hearing, my attorney had a note to the judge that I had owned the house for 11 years and Mr. G and I were married less than 30 days. Also, my mama was in the courtroom and the judge allowed her to speak. She gave a history of the unhealthy relationship. The judge also read the charges and and officer spoke. When the officer said it was a butter knife and Mr. G had a scratch, the judge said “butter knife?”. Georgia has a support group for domestic violence, its called teh Share House. A rep was in the court room with my mother. She told my mama she was there to support us. My attorney told me to file a TPO so we could get the “sob out of your house.” My attorney said once they pull Mr. G’s criminal history, he believes all the charges will go away. Mr. G has multiple felonies (including possestion of a firearm by a convicted felon) and many domestic violence charges.
I have changed my cell and home #. I do not want any contact with Mr. G. For the first time since I met him, I FEEL COMPLETELY DONE!! Im just ready for the entire mess to be done.
I appreciate the support and I find encouragement in reading other post.
Thanks again for the advise / support. I will keep you posted on the status.
Also, as for the drinking. I have stopped. Nothing since the May 4th incident. And I too believe there is something not right about his obsession with the shaving bag. He is like that about his cell phone and FB account. I wasnt allowed to look at either of them. I dont have hard evidance, but I do have a gut feeling he is messing around with drugs. He goes to a local pain clinic for back pain, but he is constantly taking advil. When I asked him about this, he said he was out of pills… hummm… he just went to the dr a few day’s before. This man knows the legal system. He is working it for all it’s worth. I know the truth will come out. He tells too many lies to keep them at bay for long.
Very interesting legal stuff here. Does anyone know if hadenough is still around? Let me put my two cents in….seems if we are lost as to what to do we need to seek help from a domestic violence shelter. My stomach keeps telling me to do that, yet somehow once again I am not listening to my gut.
Dear Justus5,
I haven’t seen this poster around any time lately, and I am on just about every day….not many posts I miss.
YOu say your stomach keeps telling you to go to a shelter! Then BABY DO IT!!! Listen to your gut!!!! But don’t waffle, once you DO IT, don’t go back!
Call the shelter hot line and talk to them at the very least. AND go ahead and gather up all your important papers for you and the kids, birth certs, school records, medical records, insurance cards, copies of tax records, social security numbers, and some CASH, vehicle titles and any other thing that is important. Put it all in a suitcase and hide it or put it at a friend’s house so if you need to make an escape you can. also 2 days clothes for each family member, tooth brushes, and other personal items like any medication. That is your GRAB AND GO bag!
Do not stay with your Partner if you are only staying there to keep a roof over your head, it isn’t worth it. Not even if you have children because your and their SAFETY is more important and there are ways and places to protect that and help you get on your feet and get a place of your own! I know it is scary with children especially, but SAFETY FIRST!!!! (((hugs)))) and God bless you and keep you safe!
This seemed like the best board to post on.
Will whomever is in charge kindly STOP the farking world and let me the hell OFF???? I just don’t know how much more I can take without going stark, raving mad – I mean this quite sincerely.
I made a recent discovery that has been just another blow to my already raw issues. This one involves the man that I married.
About a week ago, while tearing the house apart to find my grandmother’s silver to sell (dire financial times for everyone), I came across a curious gym bag in the closet that I share with my husband. This bag was not in the closet when we packed to evacuate during hurricane Irene. I lifted it up, and it had substance to it, so I opened it up. Inside, I found the following: 8 (or, so) hard-core BDSM DVD’s -very graphic, very disturbing; 4 fetish outfits; 3 or 4 photo and cartoon illustration books of fetish and BDSM (one titled, “Shiny Housewives”); and an open box of condoms with a couple missing.
When I confronted my husband with this, he said, “So, you found my stash.” The pit of my stomach turned to ice, I swear. He attempted to place the blame for his perversions on me and my lack of sexual interest, which I disallowed, immediately. He insisted that he had only been doing this by himself, and I told him that I didn’t believe him – I still don’t.
I couldn’t process the whole business, at the time – I just couldn’t do it. The implications of his actions with regard to our entire relationship have simply eviscerated me of any trust that I had left in humanity.
Three days after this awful discovery, I confronted him, again. This time, I was in a white-hot fury and fully prepared to choke the life out of him, and I told him so. I also told him that the only reason that I wasn’t going to follow through with my impulse was because he wasn’t worth the time that I would have to spend in prison. I ranted, raved, and he cried and cried. I mocked his whimpering and broke down nearly every event during our relationship where I had put his needs and wants before my own. I told him that I didn’t believe that I would ever be able to trust him, again, and that I was not going to be the one to work on our marriage, ever again – it was HIS turn to do some hard work. I smashed his cell phone – another source of explicit BDSM porn, and told him that I didn’t believe anything that came from his mouth – he cannot be trusted, and he will not be trusted – possibly, ever.
Needless to say, this confrontation went on for quite a while and I was hoarse from screaming at him – something that I never do. He has made appointments to be tested for STD’s (I demanded this without any promises) and for counseling with regard to his addiction(s). He canceled his cell phone account, gave me passwords to all of his email and Facebook accounts, and so forth.
Here’s my need: I do not know if I can ever recover from this most recent slam to my moral fiber. I have never, in my entire life, felt so cold and hollow. I have no love for anyone or anything, anymore. “Love” is a concept, and apparently one that I will never understand. I don’t know if my husband is a sociopath, but he’s a narcissist, to be sure. I am also sick in my soul – like I said, I don’t know that I will ever recover from this. I’m not sad. I feel mean. I feel as if anyone who presents a loving, caring, trusting, respectful relationship with someone else is in sore need of a reality check. I feel that there’s no such thing as love, on any level.
I am not depressed. I am in a state of cold, calculated fury that I am embracing, and I hate it. I hate my husband for his perverted deceptions. I hate myself for having been a fool. I hate the sunrise because it means another day of play-acting for my son’s sake – the young man has been through enough and he’s just starting to make some actual progress at putting a foot onto his own healing path. I hate that my perception of my marriage was based upon myth. I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate…….
I don’t know if I want to even be a part of my husband’s healing process. It’s not my $(*&$% addiction, and I am not repsonsible for it. As it is, we must share the same house and sleep in the same bed, and I am really having a hard, hard time with this. The thought of another divorce process just makes want to puke. And, the thought of starting this just as Mike is beginning to make personal progress makes me even angrier. The fact that I cannot find employment to support myself infuriates me. The fact that I’ve been diagnosed with an autoimmune disease (RheumatoidArthritis) and that I will be under a doctor’s care until the day I die makes me want to kick every cat that I see. I hate the fact that I have allowed myself to become dependent upon my husband.
Is there any hope that this marriage can be saved? It will never, ever be the same, for certain sure! That’s one of the things that my husband cried about, if anyone can believe that! He actually said, “I am SO sad because nothing will ever be the same, again.” When he said that, I actually belly-laughed myself silly – how COULD it ever be “the same?”
Right – I’ve ranted enough. I am in shock, still, and I am just moving through the days on auto-pilot. Thanks for giving me a place to vent.