Editor’s note: The following article, written by Laura Johnson, is reproduced from SmartDivorce.com. It offers tips that may help people who are divorcing a sociopath.
Even though your state may be a no-fault divorce state, it doesn’t mean that you or your spouse won’t have to answer in some way for any misbehavior during the marriage. It’s what divorce lawyers and courts refer to as marital misconduct and, in certain states, can affect the outcome of the division of property, an award of spousal support, or an award of attorney’s fees for the victim-spouse.
The legal definition of marital misconduct is any conduct that undermines the marital relationship. It becomes a factor in a divorce when the offender-spouse’s behavior forces the victim-spouse to assume extra burdens in the marriage. It isn’t meant to punish the offender-spouse or award him or her an inadequate amount of property or income, but to fairly compensate the victim-spouse.
The rationale behind this theory is that the victim-spouse is compelled to contribute more to the marriage because of the offender-spouse’s misconduct, therefore he or she is entitled to have the offender-spouse’s behavior taken into consideration when property or income are divided. Marital misconduct can be disregarded if both spouses are guilty of marital misconduct. In some states, marital misconduct is specifically disregarded as a matter of law.
In those states where misconduct is a factor, there are several broad categories of behavior that might be classified as marital misconduct. They are:
- habitual drunkenness or addiction,
- adultery,
- domestic violence,
- cruel and abusive behavior, or
- economic fault.
Once the offender-spouse’s behavior has reached the level of marital misconduct, it is the court’s responsibility to determine just how much weight to give to it in each specific situation. Some of the considerations the court looks at when deciding this issue are:
- the length of the marriage,
- the character of the misconduct,
- the time period during the marriage when the misconduct occurred, and
- the frequency of the conduct and whether it was continual.
Certain types of marital misconduct may have more of an impact upon a court’s decision-making than others. For example, cruelty or domestic violence might not be a relevant or appropriate consideration for making an equitable division of property because this type of misbehavior typically isn’t relevant to the acquisition of marital property. The same cannot be said for economic fault, adultery or an addiction, all of which can directly influence a couple’s property.
There are several types of economic fault. They are:
- dissipation of assets,
- hiding assets,
- diverting marital or community income to pay for an addiction,
- spending marital or community income on an extramarital relationship,
- excessive or abnormal spending,
- destruction of property,
- the fraudulent sale or conveyance of property, and
- any other unfair conduct that prevents the court from making an equitable division of property.
Some divorcing spouses believe that once they are separated and a divorce filed that marital misconduct, especially adultery or economic fault, has no effect on the outcome in a divorce. That isn’t actually the case. Each divorce is very fact specific and the same logic about the impact of marital misconduct on the division of property applies whether it occurred prior to the separation or during the pendency of a divorce. This is particularly true for economic misconduct.
There are some states that have statutes that specifically permit a court to award a disproportionate or lesser share of property to an offender-spouse, particularly if the misconduct can be classified as economic. The facts of each particular divorce play a heavy role in how the court applies the law.
In cases that involve the dissipation, hiding or destruction of assets, the excessive or abnormal spending of income, or the fraudulent conveyance of assets the court can’t increase the size of the marital or community estate that actually exists. However, it can order a disparate division of the existing and known property to reimburse the victim-spouse for his or her loss in the couple’s estate.
In addition to having a possible effect on the division of property, marital misconduct may also have an effect on the amount of spousal support an ex-spouse may receive provided he or she qualifies for such support. This can work both ways. If the spouse who may be entitled to receive support is guilty of the misconduct, his or her receipt of support may be in jeopardy depending upon the nature and level of the misconduct. On the other hand, a paying spouse might have to pay more, especially if his or her behavior caused the victim-spouse to give up or reduce the ability to earn income.
The following states take marital fault into consideration when determining an award of spousal support: Alabama, Arizona, Connecticut, District of Columbia, Florida, Georgia, Idaho, Louisiana, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Mississippi, Missouri, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New York, North Dakota, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Virginia, West Virginia and Wyoming. (Source: American Bar Association, Family Law Quarterly, Winter 1998, Tables Summarizing the Law in Fifty States)
The following states take marital misconduct, especially economic fault, into consideration when dividing marital or community property or in reimbursing the marital or community estate: Alaska, Arizona, California, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, District of Columbia, Florida, Hawaii, Illinois, Indiana, Kansas, Kentucky, Maine, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New York, North Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, West Virginia and Wisconsin. (Source: American Bar Association, Family Law Quarterly, Winter 1998, Tables Summarizing the Law in Fifty States).
Truthspeak.
Wow….I can only imagine the blow.
I do think your response is appropriate and you ARE showing restraint.
First off…..Do not own his behaviors.
Second….only you can decide if you stay or go…..BUT I WILL advise you…..be honest with yourself. You owe it to nobody but yourself.
Stand up and count yourself and Jr important! Do not set boundaries on weather or not you ‘can’ or how hard it will or won’t be on your own. That part is do-able…..we all ‘just’ figure it out.
Let it simmer…….give yourself some space from him. Some space to let it settle and make clear decisions.
You are sounding very clear on what is acceptable behavior to you and how HE is responding to you. Pat yourself on the back. Your a strong woman. You can get through more than you can imagine…..it’s just overwhelming to think about….but NEVER GIVE UP ON YOURSELF!!!!!!
Oh and……Stay away from cats……. 🙂 (just trying to make you smile!)
Just remember…..that most of the time when someone is caught…….and enter counselling…..it’s because it was requested of them….NOT because they feel they need it.
Watch closelsy……and I’d have an exit strategy planned…..and if you decide to go….you’ll have all the documents you need to make a quick exit…..(or boot him!).
If you decide to stay….you’d of crossed that bridge of preparation.
Auto pilot is fine…….it allows emotions to creep in as you are ready.
What you feel today…….you will feel differnt tomorrow….not necesarily better….but differetn……until the better days come around. Each day is different….and you MUST hang in there darlen!!!!
Don’t let another destroy ‘who’ you know yourself to be!
We are here….continue to post for support.
Big
XXOO
EB
Truthspeak,
How unspeakably difficult. EB is right — prepare an exit strategy in advance, in case that is what you choose to do (or, it is a matter of time. perhaps). This is a time of watching closely and sorting out the truth from the lies.
The feelings of anger and hatred… totally normal. No fun, though. When someone treats you outrageously, the understandable response is outrage. There is time for release and acceptance and peace and love, later on in your process. It is OK to feel empty and on auto-pilot. Been there. It does get better. There is nothing wrong with you for feeling this way. That is what shock will do to a person.
It’s especially difficult — I mean x1000 or whatever — because of your concern for your child’s wellbeing. Economic difficulties and health problems only compound the bind you are in.
Keep venting or whatever you must do. You are in very good company here.
truthspeak,
Unfortunately, this type of behavior rarely stands alone. It’s usually part of a pattern of spath traits. For your sake, I hope not, but be prepared.
You are right, you don’t own his behavior, it has nothing to do with you. That said, you are responsible for your own behavior and it sounds like you need to start focusing on you, making your life better and learning about you.
As Oxy says, “some people are blessings and others are lessons”. Find the lesson.
skylar:
I love what Oxy says, too. That is soooo true. The lessons. What a beautiful statement. I have learned a lot of them in this past year.
Truthspeak:
I truly don’t even know what to say except my heart goes out to you big time.
truthspeak,
So sorry about where you are now. Though you are in shock, though you hate to hate, you have clarity of mind. Use it! If your husband is spathic then the clarity of mind you have right now will seek for retrospect red flags and will discover them. I can’t advize you about your marriage or your husband… but I can advize you that whatever the outcome, it is time to think of yourself. You’ve been hurt tremendously, and neither the marriage or husband can heal it… only you can
truthspeak-I am so sorry that you had to go through that kind of deception. You have a right to be angry and you should be worried about protecting yourself and your child. It almost seems like he wanted you to find that bag-that it was exciting to him to be on the verge of getting caught, and it’s so disturbing that he had such a nonchalant way of responding to it-like it was no big deal. So typical of a spath to try to blame his problem on you. You are so much in shock right now-a horrible feeling, like you were hit over the head with a giant rock.
Keep venting on here because you are going to need the support.
I want to thank you all for your words of encouragement and Truth. Some of the Truth is hard for me to take, but there’s no rule that requires Truth to always be warm and fuzzy.
I have never felt so mean, hateful, and furious in my lifetime. This is what it’s come down to: I am stripped of any rational thought or feeling and all that I once was (or, thought I was) has been replaced with this burning fury and contempt. I do not know how to process any of this, or the implications that this all points to.
ElizabethBennett, it is interesting that you mention that he seemed to be getting off on the risk of discovery. For months, a couple of thumb-drives had been laying on the counter. After I found the bag, I plugged them both in. One just had his writing projects on it, and the other had hundreds (literally) of various women in fetish costumes. Some of the images were hard-core, and all were obviously amateur. I have those in my keeping, as well.
As far as an exit strategy goes, HE will be leaving, not me. This is MY domain that I paid for with MY money and MY trust – this is MY house and studio that I love, and he can just kiss my fat, lily-white ass and crawl under a rock, for all I care. I told him that I had already been through one divorce, and that he would be lucky if I left him with a toothbrush if I chose that option. I am leaning more towards divorce – almost falling in that direction. And, I’m falling towards a divorce with the intention of never, ever allowing another romantic/love-based relationship, again. The 4% estimate of sociopaths running around among the living is not accurate, in my opinion. I would estimate the average at about 20%.
I don’t WANT to give him a chance to fix himself! I don’t OWE him that privilege!!!! He doesn’t DESERVE to walk away from this fraudulent marriage with anything other than the clothing off his back! I hate what he did, and I hate him for simply breathing while my whole perception of Life and myself have been jackhammered to pieces.
As far as how I’m managing this, I’m not doing well. I’m NOT coping. I’m NOT processing this. I’m fearful to take a single step in any direction – I am surrounded by a minefield of emotional and financial triggers that I cannot manage, by any means. I don’t know if counseling is an option – I’ve BEEN in counseling and it’s alwasy been a monotonal affair where I’m just talking it out. I need (and, want) answers and direction, and I’m not able to provide either for myself, yet.
Everything that I wanted to be has been reduced to a core of hate and fury. I only have ever wanted to be content, peaceful, and to feel some sense of purpose. Now, I want to inflict as much pain in any fashion upon the spusband that he has visited upon me through his own actions. “Mistakes” are one thing – we ALL make mistakes and hurt people when we don’t mean to. But, taking calculated risks to perpetrate a fraud is a deliberate, conscious exercise, and I just want to curb-stomp this man into oblivion.
To clarify, my son is 21 and was raised by his abusive/neglectful father. “Mike,” my son, was also victimized by his spath (diagnosed) brother who took every penny of inheritance from him and left him destitute. Mike is beginning to form little buds upon his emotional tree of life, and he’s beginning to realize many Truths about himself and his past. It’s not easy, but he’s taking the steps on his own. He is a 21 year old man with the emotional maturity of a 14-year-old. And, he’s realizing that he’s talented, likeable, and has value. He has experienced SO much damage – from his father’s view of women to his brother’s abuse of religion and money, and everything in between. My concern for Mike is that one more blow could be enough to just destroy the baby steps that he’s taken with me (NOT “us,” but ME).
At any rate, I thank you all for your help. I have 3 friends in Real Life that I have any level of trust in, and this site has been a lifesaver for me in the past. I thank you, Donna, for building a safe place from the ashes of your own experiences – I don’t even dare to imagine where (or, HOW) I would be, today, if I hadn’t found this site when I did.
Brightest blessings upon you all.
The other day there was a thread talking about general misogyny among men and after a couple of incidents last night, I need to take a more negative view.
I mentioned that being a gay male perhaps insulated me from seeing such behavior. Last night, I met a relatively new straight male friend at a local straight bar for a beer. He was there 10 minutes, looked over at table of women and said “4 cows and only one pretty one, what a shame…”
Not only was I somewhat shocked by his comment, I chuckled to myself that from my perspective, he was not exactly a prize. I also caught a couple of comment from the guys next to us that were similarly misogynic.
BBE
Thank you for that validation.
Women are viewed as cows, trophies, meal tickets, or beards. These guys can never value us as human beings. If they encounter a Guy who does genuinely love a woman,they call him pussy whipped in in order to shame him from that value.
Dear Truthspeak,
Did you post here under another name previous to this current name? Your story sounds so familiar to me…but then again, they are ALL pretty familiar….like they came out of the same “play book.”
I can understand and empathize with you with your RAGE at being betrayed in such a “nasty” and “disgusting” way….. and right now not even thinking you can EVER trust another man in a love relationship. Those are NORMAL, AND NATURAL FEELINGS and to be EXPECTED when you find out about such things.
As far as believing him—-I’m with Sky, this is most likely the TIP of the ice berg and as far as him copping to the ENTIRE TRUTH, ain’t gonna happen, and as far as him going to therapy and “healing”—well, frankly I have never seen anyone who got “forced” into therapy because they got caught profit from it. But who knows, maybe pigs will learn to sing and fly!
As for your son, you “saving” that SHAM MARRIAGE by helping this guy “heal” is not going to be beneficial to your son in any way that I can see.
DONT make any decisions on a mad rant though….maybe you can separate from him for a while and with the NO contact for some days or weeks, get your head together and make a logical and rational decision rather than an emotional one. God bless!