Editor’s note: The following article, written by Laura Johnson, is reproduced from SmartDivorce.com. It offers tips that may help people who are divorcing a sociopath.
Even though your state may be a no-fault divorce state, it doesn’t mean that you or your spouse won’t have to answer in some way for any misbehavior during the marriage. It’s what divorce lawyers and courts refer to as marital misconduct and, in certain states, can affect the outcome of the division of property, an award of spousal support, or an award of attorney’s fees for the victim-spouse.
The legal definition of marital misconduct is any conduct that undermines the marital relationship. It becomes a factor in a divorce when the offender-spouse’s behavior forces the victim-spouse to assume extra burdens in the marriage. It isn’t meant to punish the offender-spouse or award him or her an inadequate amount of property or income, but to fairly compensate the victim-spouse.
The rationale behind this theory is that the victim-spouse is compelled to contribute more to the marriage because of the offender-spouse’s misconduct, therefore he or she is entitled to have the offender-spouse’s behavior taken into consideration when property or income are divided. Marital misconduct can be disregarded if both spouses are guilty of marital misconduct. In some states, marital misconduct is specifically disregarded as a matter of law.
In those states where misconduct is a factor, there are several broad categories of behavior that might be classified as marital misconduct. They are:
- habitual drunkenness or addiction,
- adultery,
- domestic violence,
- cruel and abusive behavior, or
- economic fault.
Once the offender-spouse’s behavior has reached the level of marital misconduct, it is the court’s responsibility to determine just how much weight to give to it in each specific situation. Some of the considerations the court looks at when deciding this issue are:
- the length of the marriage,
- the character of the misconduct,
- the time period during the marriage when the misconduct occurred, and
- the frequency of the conduct and whether it was continual.
Certain types of marital misconduct may have more of an impact upon a court’s decision-making than others. For example, cruelty or domestic violence might not be a relevant or appropriate consideration for making an equitable division of property because this type of misbehavior typically isn’t relevant to the acquisition of marital property. The same cannot be said for economic fault, adultery or an addiction, all of which can directly influence a couple’s property.
There are several types of economic fault. They are:
- dissipation of assets,
- hiding assets,
- diverting marital or community income to pay for an addiction,
- spending marital or community income on an extramarital relationship,
- excessive or abnormal spending,
- destruction of property,
- the fraudulent sale or conveyance of property, and
- any other unfair conduct that prevents the court from making an equitable division of property.
Some divorcing spouses believe that once they are separated and a divorce filed that marital misconduct, especially adultery or economic fault, has no effect on the outcome in a divorce. That isn’t actually the case. Each divorce is very fact specific and the same logic about the impact of marital misconduct on the division of property applies whether it occurred prior to the separation or during the pendency of a divorce. This is particularly true for economic misconduct.
There are some states that have statutes that specifically permit a court to award a disproportionate or lesser share of property to an offender-spouse, particularly if the misconduct can be classified as economic. The facts of each particular divorce play a heavy role in how the court applies the law.
In cases that involve the dissipation, hiding or destruction of assets, the excessive or abnormal spending of income, or the fraudulent conveyance of assets the court can’t increase the size of the marital or community estate that actually exists. However, it can order a disparate division of the existing and known property to reimburse the victim-spouse for his or her loss in the couple’s estate.
In addition to having a possible effect on the division of property, marital misconduct may also have an effect on the amount of spousal support an ex-spouse may receive provided he or she qualifies for such support. This can work both ways. If the spouse who may be entitled to receive support is guilty of the misconduct, his or her receipt of support may be in jeopardy depending upon the nature and level of the misconduct. On the other hand, a paying spouse might have to pay more, especially if his or her behavior caused the victim-spouse to give up or reduce the ability to earn income.
The following states take marital fault into consideration when determining an award of spousal support: Alabama, Arizona, Connecticut, District of Columbia, Florida, Georgia, Idaho, Louisiana, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Mississippi, Missouri, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New York, North Dakota, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Virginia, West Virginia and Wyoming. (Source: American Bar Association, Family Law Quarterly, Winter 1998, Tables Summarizing the Law in Fifty States)
The following states take marital misconduct, especially economic fault, into consideration when dividing marital or community property or in reimbursing the marital or community estate: Alaska, Arizona, California, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, District of Columbia, Florida, Hawaii, Illinois, Indiana, Kansas, Kentucky, Maine, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New York, North Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, West Virginia and Wisconsin. (Source: American Bar Association, Family Law Quarterly, Winter 1998, Tables Summarizing the Law in Fifty States).
OxD, I used to post under the ID of “Buttons.”
I’m just ready to end the whole thing, right now. And, I’m trying to prevent myself from giving him any leeway. One of my friends in Real Life is a psychologist and we don’t practice psychology together, as a rule, but we’ve talked enough about sociopathy over the past 7 years to know one another quite well. She’s telling me to get some separation and let things move as they will, also.
What I wish is not what I have, here. I wish that I could believe that he was sincere in wanting to get help, but I know that there would be NO world hunger if wishes were fishes. So….I have to bide my time and get my head clear.
I believe that a divorce is inevitable, and I mean to take no prisoners, this time around.
My belief that I’ll not involve myself with another man in a romantic manner is based upon common sense for myself. It’s not that I hate men or anything like that. There are men out there who are stable and so forth, but I’m not in the market for that. I’m in the market to get ME squared away. For the first time in my life, I’m going to come first in my life, and I’m not going to hold punches or acquiesce on any level to appease any other human being.
Once again, thank you so much for the support. I sure do need it, right now.
Dear Truthspeak,
Yea, I agree we have to get OURSELVES in order, before we can have a healthy relationship. I fell for the “love bomb” of the psychopathic creep because I was so needy and felt old, fat, undesirable (etc) after my husband died.
I’m 7 years older now, but don’t feel so “needy” and realize that I am OKAY without a love relationship with anyone except myself.
I hope you can take the advice of your friend, and get some “space”or “distance” between you and this rage (righteous rage in my opinion!) you feel and then make your decision.
God bless. I do remember you posting under “Buttons” and I’m glad that you are still here. LF as you know is a great place for support and for learning and knowledge. (((hugs))))
Truthspeak!!!
HI, HI, HI!!!!! I’m so sorry about this realization for you…..
I do remember your story…..and how hard it is for Mike. On an ‘up’ note….I’m glad he’s making progress. My Jr is too…….and yes….they do have emotional immaturity.
I will tell you…..I’ve found that we just can’t protect them, and they handle it a whole lot better than we think. I had a situation recently and this jr said….Mom…..I knew it all along. One of my fears was for a setback for him,just as he’s making big strides……YIKES….I was the one with the setback. 🙂
You don’t have to move in ANY directions right now…..just stand still or pivot. Steps can come later.
As hurt as you are…..you are sounding STRONG and like you have a plan. Hold onto that!
Protect yourself in case of a divorce…..and remember….loose lips sink ships…..say NOTHING to hubby! NOTHING……if you decided to file…..you can blindside him right back.
I’m sending you big hugs darlen….I’m glad you came back here to LF…..but I sure wish it was under better circumstances for you!
XXOO
EB
Dear Truthspeak
I am so sorry, but your spath meant you to find those things. My spath hid bin bags of unopened mail in our garage, my father found them all, mainly unpaid bills and tax demands. I was scared, furious and kicked him out. I did what any normal person would do to protect my children and home and sorted it all out. That was a mistake, he could not careless. I’m sorry but it probably is the tip of an iceberg, my heart goes out to you.
Do not take responsibility, its not your problem and you know that anyway. Your only responsibility is Mike, my children have also suffered probate fraud and deception by my now thankfully ex mother in law; she will shortly be arrested as in the UK it is a criminal offence. I have waited 2 years, and now have all the evidence I need as do the police.
Take care of you and Mike, you are clearly one feisty lady, think very carefully about how, when and what you do and cover all bases; they are evil scum and care for no one but themselves. Timing is crucial, and I have learnt the hard way, under no circumstances whether in a rage or not, tell them or even hint at what your plans are. Gather every bit of evidence and sit on it if you have to; they always make mistakes.
Take care, and believe me I could easily have done my ex husband serious damage. I used to hate it, now I look at the creep, always in court and think what a fat, ugly old to**ser it is. After 6 years of on-going litigation I know the rules of engagement; watch, wait, gather your evidence and then go straight for the jugular when they least expect it.
Take care.
Truthspeak
You must have a story, and a pattern, that brought you to LF before this most recent discovery of yours.
I’m with whomever said “find the lesson”.
I encourage you to put space between the two of you, and start sorting this out. Get into counseling on your own.
I also say that people don’t change their colors. They just don’t.
My heart goes out to you. I am still raging with rage about my spath. And I’m raging with rage that I have RAGE. What an endless circle.
HUGS.
Just a brief update on the situation – the spouse has gotten bloodwork done and has begun his counseling. He has also begun speaking about the damage that he’s caused, on his own.
Having said this, I am keeping my distance and just watching as EB and OxD have suggested – tigers cannot change their stripes, and I’m done with trying to sort things out for other people. This is about my survival and that of Mike’s.
The hatred is settling into an undercurrent of mistrust, on every level. What he says and what he does are two different things. We’ll see what goes forth, here.
At the moment, I posted about the studio environment and, given all that I’ve experienced in the past 3 years, the studio stuff is almost comical since the New Face flew into a verbal rage and everyone heard it. Still and yet, it’s just one more reminder that the 4% Sociopath Rule is probably incorrect: I’d go for 20-30%!
Oy-VEY!!!!
Thank you, everyone! The support and encouragement is so appreciated, but being validated is most important to me, these days. I feel valid, finally.
HUGS and all that stuff.
Truthspeak,
you spoke the truth: 20-30% spath and another 60% fence sitters who can go either way depending on the current that day.
We, the empaths are a very very small minority and it’s up to us to start setting a new trend, different from the culture today, based on the sensibilities of compassion and truth, with a large dose of knowledge about spaths and the red flags.
Truthspeak
I want to caution you about two things.
You’re giving him a second chance. It’s just an observation.
He’s doing “bloodwork” but not you?
It’s done. I found an email that he sent to his “Mistress Beatrice” about rescheduling something with her.
I made a HUGE mistake and did something horrible – found the email on Wednesday afternoon, and seethed all day until he got home. Son went out with a friend, and the man said to me, “I’ve really had the shakes, all day.”
I answered, “Did Mistress Beatrice call you at work, then?” His face drained of color, and he began saying that the email was “all mind games.” Once he said that, I went into a complete rage and beat the crap out of him.
Long story short….I’ve been charged with Aggravated Assault and I am 100% responsible for my actions. I have never been in such a fury in my entire life – not even with the exspath, and if I could take back my actions, I would.
However, this has cemented the divorce. He left, took his stuff, the computer, and is now gone. There is NO HOPE for salvaging this, and I didn’t ever really believe that there was. None of his lies made any sense.
He did NOT tell our doctor about his addiction – only that he was “addicted to technology” and that I believed that he had been having an affair.
STD testing for me on Monday, along with consultation with Divorce Atty. Domestic Violence defense attorney on Tuesday.
I feel as if I have been completely eviscerated. I am horrified and ashamed of my violence – this is NOT who I am!!!!
I can’t check the boards, anymore, unless I go the the library, but I’ll try to get here a couple of times per week.
I don’t know how I’m going to get through this – even the doctor said the he would NEVER have pegged my husband as a bondage freak. Oh, my….so many clever frauds out there, and HE can now be added to the list!
Thank you, everyone. Brightest blessings.
Truthspeak:
Wow, sorry that had to happen, but he deserved it!! So sorry though that you are now facing charges 🙁 See, they never change. I am glad you are divorcing his ass. Sorry, I hope it doesn’t sound like I am making light of the situation because I am not. But I think this is actually a victory for you.