Editor’s note: The following article, written by Laura Johnson, is reproduced from SmartDivorce.com. It offers tips that may help people who are divorcing a sociopath.
Even though your state may be a no-fault divorce state, it doesn’t mean that you or your spouse won’t have to answer in some way for any misbehavior during the marriage. It’s what divorce lawyers and courts refer to as marital misconduct and, in certain states, can affect the outcome of the division of property, an award of spousal support, or an award of attorney’s fees for the victim-spouse.
The legal definition of marital misconduct is any conduct that undermines the marital relationship. It becomes a factor in a divorce when the offender-spouse’s behavior forces the victim-spouse to assume extra burdens in the marriage. It isn’t meant to punish the offender-spouse or award him or her an inadequate amount of property or income, but to fairly compensate the victim-spouse.
The rationale behind this theory is that the victim-spouse is compelled to contribute more to the marriage because of the offender-spouse’s misconduct, therefore he or she is entitled to have the offender-spouse’s behavior taken into consideration when property or income are divided. Marital misconduct can be disregarded if both spouses are guilty of marital misconduct. In some states, marital misconduct is specifically disregarded as a matter of law.
In those states where misconduct is a factor, there are several broad categories of behavior that might be classified as marital misconduct. They are:
- habitual drunkenness or addiction,
- adultery,
- domestic violence,
- cruel and abusive behavior, or
- economic fault.
Once the offender-spouse’s behavior has reached the level of marital misconduct, it is the court’s responsibility to determine just how much weight to give to it in each specific situation. Some of the considerations the court looks at when deciding this issue are:
- the length of the marriage,
- the character of the misconduct,
- the time period during the marriage when the misconduct occurred, and
- the frequency of the conduct and whether it was continual.
Certain types of marital misconduct may have more of an impact upon a court’s decision-making than others. For example, cruelty or domestic violence might not be a relevant or appropriate consideration for making an equitable division of property because this type of misbehavior typically isn’t relevant to the acquisition of marital property. The same cannot be said for economic fault, adultery or an addiction, all of which can directly influence a couple’s property.
There are several types of economic fault. They are:
- dissipation of assets,
- hiding assets,
- diverting marital or community income to pay for an addiction,
- spending marital or community income on an extramarital relationship,
- excessive or abnormal spending,
- destruction of property,
- the fraudulent sale or conveyance of property, and
- any other unfair conduct that prevents the court from making an equitable division of property.
Some divorcing spouses believe that once they are separated and a divorce filed that marital misconduct, especially adultery or economic fault, has no effect on the outcome in a divorce. That isn’t actually the case. Each divorce is very fact specific and the same logic about the impact of marital misconduct on the division of property applies whether it occurred prior to the separation or during the pendency of a divorce. This is particularly true for economic misconduct.
There are some states that have statutes that specifically permit a court to award a disproportionate or lesser share of property to an offender-spouse, particularly if the misconduct can be classified as economic. The facts of each particular divorce play a heavy role in how the court applies the law.
In cases that involve the dissipation, hiding or destruction of assets, the excessive or abnormal spending of income, or the fraudulent conveyance of assets the court can’t increase the size of the marital or community estate that actually exists. However, it can order a disparate division of the existing and known property to reimburse the victim-spouse for his or her loss in the couple’s estate.
In addition to having a possible effect on the division of property, marital misconduct may also have an effect on the amount of spousal support an ex-spouse may receive provided he or she qualifies for such support. This can work both ways. If the spouse who may be entitled to receive support is guilty of the misconduct, his or her receipt of support may be in jeopardy depending upon the nature and level of the misconduct. On the other hand, a paying spouse might have to pay more, especially if his or her behavior caused the victim-spouse to give up or reduce the ability to earn income.
The following states take marital fault into consideration when determining an award of spousal support: Alabama, Arizona, Connecticut, District of Columbia, Florida, Georgia, Idaho, Louisiana, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Mississippi, Missouri, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New York, North Dakota, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Virginia, West Virginia and Wyoming. (Source: American Bar Association, Family Law Quarterly, Winter 1998, Tables Summarizing the Law in Fifty States)
The following states take marital misconduct, especially economic fault, into consideration when dividing marital or community property or in reimbursing the marital or community estate: Alaska, Arizona, California, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, District of Columbia, Florida, Hawaii, Illinois, Indiana, Kansas, Kentucky, Maine, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New York, North Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, West Virginia and Wisconsin. (Source: American Bar Association, Family Law Quarterly, Winter 1998, Tables Summarizing the Law in Fifty States).
Truthspeak,
I don’t want to insult you or offend you in anyway, but I saw this coming from your first post about him. In it you described your rage.
I am not condemning or judging your anger. It is completely justified. But having been on this blog for 2 years, I’ve read many instances of similar behavior by spath husbands and your account of your feelings really stood out for me. Most people do not describe their feelings of overwhelming anger the way that you did. Yes, we all feel the outrage but it is tempered with something else. Something I don’t have words for.
What I have noticed, from all the stories here, is that the spaths seem to slime us with how they want us to feel. Someone who has always trusted, ends up with no faith in humanity. Someone who has always been independent, ends up feeling helpless. Someone who has always had moral integrity, begins to question the point of morality when all the evil spaths seem to win. And so on…
In your case, your spath likes bondage and being dominated. And what did you do? You beat the crap out of him…
Do you see the irony? There isn’t going to be a quick answer for you. He has targeted something in you and you will have to examine who you are and what you feel, without fear. I think you can do it. I sense you are a strong woman.
((hugs))
Hi all, back to court today ..the spath was ambushed by the judge ..
We met up in court (again) with regards to my application for tertiary education costs for my daughter as per an existing court order which of curse its ignored!
The spath is ‘extreme’ he uses false addresses and even writes letters to Judges using these false addresses. Unfortunately for the spath, I obtained a copy of his real address from companies house, a flat in Bath around the corner from the now ex wife; he is still with her, I have evidence. He forgot to mention she divorced him, and when he sat there with his wedding ring on in December 2010 the decree nisi was already issued, by January 6th 2011 he was divorced; he forgot to mention that bit when udner oath on the 20th January 2011. A quickie divorce to stop me getting at her assets …extreme or what! I had already sent in bailiffs who she hit, they called the police; the bailiffs had tracked him down to his ‘real’ address.
Today the judge has ordered him to hand over the family partnership income details which of course he is not going to do. So I wrote to the family accountants last week and to put things into context enclosing a copy of the judgment he was handed down in March 2011 detailing all his lies ..he was livid today ..I could not even get a word out of my mouth before he went off on one. I could not even answer direct questions from the judge; he could not shut up. He is of course still trying to avoid child maintenance for my son ..they say insanity is doing the same thing over, and over again and expecting a different result!
Best of all, he is back before the very judge he lied to under oath for another full days hearing; he visibly wilted; and even took a breath before continuing his ranting. The Judge warned him about his vexatious litigation against me. The judge told the spath, ‘judges make their judgments based on the evidence given by the applicant (i.e. get it weirdo) ..and not accusations’!!!
He is apparently going to apply for an injunction because I took him to court …Judge told him ..’no you took Mrs x to court’ ..the idiot ‘no I didn’t’ the judge ‘yes you did’ …how thick can anyone be????
Ambushed by his own lies ..lets hope he can remember where he has been living for the last 3 years (he claimed he couldn’t remember under oath)! He told the judge previously ‘what do you know, your just a woman’ ..well that woman judge is back; lets see how clever he is this time around faced with evidence of his lies!
He was still ranting when I left the court room; a complete spath. he’s already been told he is going to lose ..the venom and bitterness ..apparent even for the judge to see and all about revenge ..nothing to do with the matter in hand; the children who he hasn’t seen in years!
So Truthspeak, be careful and look after you ..you deserve rest and peace ..I used to rage ..now I work slowly and methodically and am always one step ahead. Spaths hate to be exposed, and he is one very dangerous indiviudal who absolutely hates me, is eaten up with jealousy and revenge ..it will be his downfall.
Great day ..can’t wait for the full days hearing ..or his next move; I am on my guard.
(((hugs to everyone))) and yes TOWANDA to me!!!
Truthspeak,
I’m sorry that your rage went so far, but I think Skylar has a point–he pushed you into “hurting” him, and you fell for the trap he laid. It happens, and later we feel so stupid for being ambushed and side swiped, and blind sided…but get over it, forgive yourself! (and I know, forgiving ourselves is the hardest part to do!) God bless. (((hugs))))
Moving on! Good for you and TOWANDA! What a piece of carp!
Truthspeak
I am hopeful for you.
.
Truthspeak,
Sorry that your buttons were pushed to the extreme. I had the thought that all the things that others have done to you in your lifetime (where you were mistreated) could have triggered the emotional response, ending up by beating “the crap out of him” (your husband). I feel badly that you have criminal charges pending against you, but I don’t feel sorry for your husband. In the end, I pray that everything works out for you. Peace.
Constantine, and Truthspeak, I agree with Connie, the criminal charges aspect of this could have terrible consequences for truthspeak down the road….but I think that the psychopath ENGINEERED THIS from the get go. Provoking Truthspeak to violence, and violence is what he likes, right?! I have read somewhere (can’t remember where) that in an S & M relationship the M party is really the one in CONTROL….and we know the psychopath is all about control don’t we?
I’d get on the attorney Monday morning, Truthspeak and see if you can’t get these charges dropped or at least plead down to a lesser charge than DV. Just the arrest record will be bad enough on your “record.” God bless.
Oxy, Truthspeak,
The attorney is crucial at this point. But also keep in mind that a defense lawyer could have a possible bias here against settling this on your own. (i.e., since if you do that he won’t get paid!) So I would suggest taking whatever advice he may give you very seriously, but also considering any other possible options for keeping this out of the legal system. (As long as none of them involve taking him back. Though even there you could make vague promises about “marriage counseling,” and so forth, just to give him false hope until he cools down – and thus hopefully prevent him from prosecuting this. Not that you would ever go for real, of course!)
Just some thoughts. Of course, I suppose technically wives shouldn’t beat up their husbands (and maybe I am guilty of a double standard here), but I’m too much of a traditional male to feel anything but that he had it coming!
Constantine,
What is “sauce for the gander is sauce for the goose.”
Your double standard surprises me Connie! LOL But yesterday I was laughing my arse off at some very sexist jokes aimed at downing women, so I too am guilty as charged with sexism! LOL
I think though, given Truth’s Husband’s proclivity for S&M that the whole thing was a SET UP to provoke her into physically responding so that he could PLAY THE VICTIM like a trump card!
Psychopaths are very good at playing the victim, and oh, how I have had experience in that aspect of the “psychopathic game.”
The usual “smear campaign” is SOP (standard operating procedure) with the psychopathic game and the provoking the REAL victim into losing it and “acting out” is also part of the game. I’ve been there and done that myself! I got so angry I threatened to hire an attorney and fight my son’s parole hearing! DUH! gave away my trump card! SHOT OFF MY MOUTH! and very nearly put my fish in my DIL’s lying psychopathic mouth! Funny thing is I have NEVER been in a “fight” in my life, though I’ve been BEATEN up a time or two! LOL BUT OH HOW I WANTED TO HIT HER IN THE MOUTH! I think it was just the grace of God that I refrained, but it sure wasn’t because I didn’t WANT to hit her, to beat her teeth out! I did SAY some pretty ugly things though!
Hi all, I have a criminal record for ‘harassment’, £200 fine, off my record in 2 years. I plead guilty for only one reason to protect my children, back then I was naive. I had never even had a speeding ticket. Please do not underestimate the court system (I have), they are not stupid and when the evidence was put before the court the magistrates ‘wished me luck’. Courts operate to a system and a tariff; that is essentially it. They wear you down spaths to destroy you as a person.
Truthspeak, please do not worry, yes you hit him, provoked. All I can tell you is this; stay true to yourself, yes its horrible, but you can let it impact your life going forward (his aim), or you can accept you did something wrong take the punishment and move on. The court system is just that, you are a number, in, out; they don’t care ..
I have as Oxy put it succinctly ‘shot off my mouth’; I say nothing now, I watch the spath shout off its mouth. Yesterday he stated in court ‘my daughter is thick, she needs to get a job, she is wasting her time at university and will not get a job when she finishes her degree in physics’, he continued ‘she needs to get a job’. Logic out the window.
I watched the judge’s face change, to utter disgust. I was called a whore, a child abuser, a fraudster etc; I sat there, didn’t say a word; I get it; I finally get it; they could not careless about his rantings. The more he shot off his mouth, the worst it got ..for him! All hearings are taped; big mistake!
Truthspeak, maybe you did wrong, under extreme stress; I tell my children one thing ..’in the scheme of life, is it worth it’, detach, detach, detach. You are not starving, you are alive, you are free, you are wonderful and you will be again. You might get a criminal record, you might not; life is a bitch sometimes I am not the same person I was and I will never be; I’m actually better!
The spath is even going to get an injunction out on me ..what for ..abiding by court directions; hiding to nothing ..let him waste his money ..they really hate being exposed. The judge told him ..off you go then ..he knew exactly what the to**er was; they see and hear this carp everyday, year in year out.
Truthspeak/Buttons (hugs).
Oxy, Skylar ..who will never know how much you have helped me ..and this site ..thanks Donna.