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Divorce, custody and personality disorders

Lovefraud frequently receives e-mails and phone calls from people who are divorcing a sociopath and are afraid they’re going to get trashed in court. They know the sociopaths will lie—smoothly and convincingly—and are terrified that the manipulator will end up winning the money, the house, and custody of the kids.

If you’re facing family court battles with a sociopath, I recommend that you buy and read Splitting—Protecting Yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist, by William A. Eddy. It may be the best $25 you ever spend.

Eddy, the author, is both a therapist (Licensed Clinical Social Worker) and an attorney. He understands the law, the courts and how people with personality disorders can manipulate them. You need to understand all of this as well.

The book explains the court process; the roles of attorneys, evaluators and other professionals; how to gather evidence; and generally what to expect.

Tactics and strategies

As the subtitle suggests, Splitting refers to people with borderline and narcissistic personality disorders, whom Eddy calls “persuasive blamers.” References to sociopaths are limited. Still, the tactics and strategies he suggests would be helpful in dealing with a sociopath as well.

One of Eddy’s main points is that you must be assertive right from the beginning of your case. The blamer may accuse you of infidelity, mental instability, child abuse or sexual misconduct—accusations which the court will take seriously. You must be prepared to respond to the accusations immediately. Once the court issues judgments and rulings—even if they are based on lies—it is very difficult to get them undone later.

Eddy discusses the importance of documentation, and how it can bolster your case. In fact, the book includes an interview with a man who aggressively gathered documentation to prove his wife’s pattern of behavior to the court evaluator. Four former husbands gave statements indicating that she had done the same things to them that she was doing to him.

Should you mention the disorder?

Eddy also has a chapter devoted to whether or not you should have an expert testify about the personality disorder. He recognizes the dilemma:

If you are too aggressive about raising this subject, the judge may be angry with you for seeming to attack someone’s personality.

Yet if the judge does not fully understand the personality dynamics beneath the surface, the court may misunderstand your case and get it backwards.

From my experience and the input of others, it appears best to gently present this information to the court, but not rely on it being accepted.

Eddy then outlines ways in which psychological information may be presented, and how it may affect the outcome of the case, even if it is not explicit in court rulings.

Splitting is available online from BPDCentral.com. If you’re going to family court against a sociopath, read this book.



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113 Comments on "Divorce, custody and personality disorders"

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My ex vilified his ex wife to everyone, and does to this day. Yet they seem to have a decent relationship dealing with their son, my guess is because she knows what kind of man he is and doesn’t make any waves.

He loves to tell this story… When his ex told him she was going to use it against him in court that he is so ‘anti religion’.. He went out and got a ministers license!!!

PS.. Forgot to mention.. He laughed about ‘How he could marry people if he wanted to’. I guess it’s no suprize he never renewed the license when it expired.. it had served it’s purpose.

MYBOYS…I’m over here…..
this thread has way less posts and it’s on topic.

Okay…heres what I want you to do today….
Call the court clerks office where you filed….and ask them….step by step what the process is IF Mr. S doesn’t respond to your divorce petition….you don’t necessarily need to give anything about your case….just ask these questions.
DON”T ask your attorney….call the court yourself.

I want you to be clear on the process……
Were you given a court date with your petition.
If so….MAKE SURE, come hell or high water…..you or your attorney don’t change that date!!!!
Any changes, and the S will have to be served….and you know how that goes…..

I want to tell you……even though this is a ‘legal’ process….my experience has been that courts don’t hold to a ‘t’ deadlines…..like IF he responds tomorrow or next week, or shows up at the hearing (if one was set)….then the courts may allow him to be heard….because he has a ‘stake’ in the proceedings.
This is NOT right…..but it is what judges tend to do….stretch the laws for schlaggs……they see it all the time.

Now it’s important you keep level and balanced…..this is where the pain in the ass happens…..
I don’t believe it’s as easy as just ‘being divorced by April’…..

Youve got to prepare yourself….for anythign…..and NOT be disappointed….

He could come back with all sorts of chit…..like….your honor, I was out of the country…..I wasn’t served properly (sis has lead up to this)…..OR….he could hire an attorney NOW…..
The court won’t turn him away….UNFORTUNATELY.

Just don’t look at this as a ‘slam dunk’.
Light a fire under your attorneys butt and tell him you want to proceed with HASTE!

IF you can figure out a better way to have him served….figure it out……it’ll costs you less than if your attorney just does protocol service…..
Remember, your attorney will do things standardly……
YOU CAN DO THE GROUNDWORK on your case…..such as trying to locate him, job…etc….keep tabs on him for this purpose ONLY!!! NOT the emotional purposes…..you MUST SEPARATE……It’s NOT a divorce…..this is a lawsuit….and you can’t get emotional!!! That’s the balance……hard one!!!

So….hope this helps ya….but get on that phone and call the courts yourself right now!!!

Dear ErinB,

Great advice.

Unfortunately for most of us the “laws” are pretty complex and Judges and attorneys have great leighway in how they use the laws.

I don’t propose that ALL of us go out and get a law license or attend law school,, but it is GOOD SENSE I think to learn something about LAWS and how they might effect you.

I took a course in BUSINESS LAW and kept my text book for reference and it has saved my ARSE in multiple occasions.

One for example, we (my husband and I) had a business deal with another person that involved him working on an aircraft, that we had bought for the intent and purpose of selling after he did the work. His compensation was a percentage AFTER the sale of the plane. We wanted this to be drawn up in a CONTRACT to protect both him and us. SO we hired and paid an attorney to do this.

When the attorney gave us the contract, because of my knowledge of BUSINESS LAW, I immediately spotted SEVERAL GLARING holes in the contract. One of which was, HOW LONG HE HAD TO COMPLETE HIS PART OF THE PROJECT, and what happened if he did PART OF IT and never finished it, and what would happen if he DIED IN THE MIDDLE OF IT?

So, if I hadn’t known something about contractual laws I would have missed these entirely. As it did turn out, HE TOOK LONGER TO COMPLETE THE WORK THAN AGREED ON, AND HE DIED BEFORE HE COMPLETED IT. If We had not had those clauses in there (which the attorney didn’t think of) we would have lost our underware in the deal. As it was, we lost our pants, but we at least kept our underware.

I think it behooves each person dealing with an attorney to double check some of the legal aspects and to learn about whatever it is that they are dealing on.

There’s an old joke about physicians—-“what do you call the doctor who finished LAST IN HIS MEDICAL SCHOOL CLASS?”

The answer is DOCTOR.

Same for ATTORNEYS, you call them John Doe, “esquire.”

Sometimes things are SO complex you have to have a “second opinion” from another doctor or attorney if you cannot study the problem and come up with some reasonable answer yourself.

Or if you are so EMOTIONALLY involved in the problem that you can’t think straight. I’VE BEEN THERE and got the TEE on that last one as well. I would have done much better if I hadn’t been so emotionally involved and had gotten better control over my emotions and thinking, and it is DIFFICULT TO DO when you are in a chaotic and emotional situation.

Oxy.
I have always hated being ‘out of the loop’ on situations going on IN my life….(although I let the spath keep me out of loop!)…..any property I purchased, I wanted to know the process……wha’ts next….who orders what, who pays for what….what is YOUR job, what is expected of ME. This has served me well.
During the divorce, this behavior served me VERY WELL!!!
It always pays, to be an informed consumer and with the internet….there is really no excuse.
I’m watching my GF, who went to final divorce hearing in early Jan…pay out the butt for her forensic accountant and her attorney…(who BTW…took off for a months vacation to Egypt several days after her hearing)……WHo do ya think paid for that trip?????
Her divorce is still NOT signed…..the accountants and attorneys are milking them…..and we aren’t talking peanuts……SHE has paid alone…over 300K for accountant and attorney…..PATHETIC….
I keep telling her to do the figures herself……..do the research herself…..because whatever they present to her is hoblygogbly to her anyways……they make sense to the accountant…..but not her…..then he goes back to the drawing board ON HER Dime!!!

If she was more involved and figured out UPFRONT what she wanted and what she would settle for…..she wouldn’t have spent her alimony on the pro’s.
Currently they are fighting over a 2000. child support payment NOT made in January…..It’s cost them about 15K to fight about that…..
THIS IS FIGHTING TO FIGHT!!!!!
She talks the talk…..but she ain’t walking the walk….
I go through her docs with her and hightlight points……but she doesn’t do the work to know what I’m talking about to approach her attorney…..and just let’s the attorney ‘go’ with whatever the attorney does……AT HER COST!!!

I think, the more we are involved, the more we can design HOW it goes, and set a precident to not allow the attorneys to have ulterior motives with our case….(like to take a trip to Egypt or pay off a car etc)…..
Think of the peeps in our lives we KNOW are informed…..that get what they want out of situations…..
Because they are less likely to be taken advantage of…..and drive the car they are riding in!!!!

Yes, it takes great work and commitment to push the emotions aside……but it is a MUST!
Deal with em later…..get business taken care of first!!!!
Crumble later.

I would be surprised if the hearing date doesn’t have to be served on him……
I’m not an attorney…..just sayen….
Just as long as YOUR clear on the process…..

It is my understanding you also can’t collect alimony for a default divorce…..
and how about CS?

Any properties owned, assets…..don’t ya gotta list everything you owned together……
AND have him sign off?

Are there assets? Sorry I dont’ recall.

I am like you EB…I like to educate myself as much as possible…the info is out there just waiting to be learned. That is how I found LF…

My attorney is new, very new…but good! He actually got the judge to sign off on substitute serving a TRO – almost unheard of!!

He has two mentors he consults with my questions, so he is learning at the same time. I am one of his first divorce cases, so he is getting an education in sociopaths and their behavior too…I hope he takes that experience forward and help victims in the future.

Best of all, he is affordable and on top of that, has been discounting my fees…making it VERY affordable. I feel so blessed.

CS is going though the AG and the court date is April 8. That is a separate matter.

As I don’t get alimony, etc in a default divorce, I do get all the community property. As he is at fault in this divorced and abandoned the home and spent our funds frivolously the last few months and I have proof, I will be able to put the bulk of the marital debt on him.

The home is going into foreclosure – it is in his name only and will not affect my credit. The home needs to much work at this point (collapsed sewer line, no heat/air, and he trashed it before he left. My son will not sleep in his room (where the stbx holed himself up and went off the deep end) as that is what he calls the “drug den and says he sees the “ghost” of his father in his white sweatshirt” in there…so we are moving…I am saving up money now to do so…can prob stay here until it gets too hot to go without AC.

Do your homework girl…..

Make a LIST OF ALL ASSETS…..and make sure you know what you need to have HIM (S) name taken off of….
THIS is what I’m still trying to deal with….even thoguht i was awarded everything…..trying to get his name off things is the problem, the house is the biggest…I need him off….or he’s gonna meet me back in court!!!
I’m gearing up for this.

Also another thing I have learned is….jsut because a divorce is final…..that’s when the real work begins…..it doens’t end…just the legal ties of it…..the cleanup is messy!!!

Go getem girl!!!!!
You sound like your right on track!!!

I just want to get the divorce done with right now and then tackle the rest after…

According to the Texas Rules of Civil Procedure 245, I do not have to serve him with the trial date unless he responds at any time between now and the final date.

And my requirement is:
to serve papers at her last known address, DONE

the Citation is returned to the clerk’s office with proof of your service, DONE

If all of this is done then all you need to do if prepare the final divorce decree for the judge’s signature. A brief hearing may be held at which the judge will sign the divorce decree making it official.

I have already provided my attorney a list of all assets and how I want it divided – the majority of our furniture was willed to me by my Grandmother…

And I do have a resource for keeping tabs on him. It is how I am finding his addresses and proof he is in Florida.

I am using it to provide info to the AG to track him down for child support.

I am also doing quite a bit of the groundwork for the divorce…I had it all ready to go to do by myself when he all of a sudden started calling out of the blue…that is when the attorney who was reviewing my papers for me suggested I hire my attorney just in case. It has made it easier to get through the courts and faster than doing it myself…

It is not a slam dunk…yet…he could mess it up in so many ways…I am just hoping for the best while expecting and preparing for the worst…

I do need to get his name off my truck…don’t use joint accounts, opened up one of my own…

Please let me see if you see any holes/gaps in what I am doing. I fully realize part of the learning process is to take other perspectives into consideration…

Dear My boys,

As far as the CHILD SUPPORT, you mightr actually be better off letting him “disappear” and doing without the money if it would KEEP HIM OUT OF YOUR AND YOUR KIDS’ LIVES.

Many times if they “abandon” the kids, and don’t pay support and./or visit with the kids, you can later (if you remarry) have your new husband adopt the “abandoned kids.”

My P-sperm donor never paid support and only visited me 1 x when I was about age 2 after my birth, and that was used to have the state declare me an “abandoned child” and my step father was able to legally adopt me. This “safeguarded” me from if my egg donor had died, my sperm donor could not have gotten custody of me.

Something to think about. Usually even if you get child support AWARDED Then YOU still have to figure out how to collect and they are so slippery you spend more trying to get the money than it may be worth, and many times a man trying to skip out on child support succeeds.

Just some things to think about.

EB I agree with you, you (we) must be PROACTIVE in these things or an attorney can make himself money just dragging their feet. Many times probate attorneys do this in a will contestation and so on. Get the realtives to fight and the sharks get the money! That may happen to me as well when the egg donor passes on, but I went and got some ADVICE NOW before it is needed from an attorney who didn’t charge me much ( he handled my husband’s estate) and the thing is that I know this guy is honest. He is retiring so I have to go retain another attorney in my county—my county is so “good old boy system crooked” that I wanted a recommendation of which CROOK to hire from someone who knew who had the power and who didn’t. I still haven’t gone for an appointment with the recommended crook yet, but will very soon. Want a PRE-NEED set up so I can POUNCE when the time comes.

Also have to be very careful that “word doesn’t get out” to my egg donor before this NEED is there either. When I took her to court before, WORD GOT TO HER before I got done with the FIRST appointment with my attorney (who BTW was a poor choice done in HASTE)

thanks again…writing it out helps me to process it but I have deleted the details…

I have a plan…I know where this is going and I am discovering it was a lot easier to get married than to get divorced.

Marry a lot more carefully next time if and when the opportunity presents itself;)

MyBoys:
This sounds more accurate.
It’s never as easy as it seems…..and this was the warning I wanted to give you last week…..about ‘new’ things coming up…..expect everything and take what you get….
Just when we think we ‘got it down’ and understand the process……something comes up.
DON”T LET THIS DISCOURAGE YOU……just expect anything.
I’m sure he will throw a cog in the wheel….but I hope not….but expect it….your dealing with a S……this is what they do!

If you go into it….spearheading the ‘prize’…..the end result…..remain focus and educatated, with every step…..then you’ll come off this ‘rollercoaster’ in good shape.

I think you should expect a longer timeline and the first thing i’d do is try to find him (covertly) and keep tabs on his location and any money he may be making….
HOWEVER you can achieve this…..
Service is your NEXT PRIORITY….to move things along…..
Ya wanna see him sweat……get him served wherever he is hiding out……this drives my s CRAZY…..I alwyas know where he’s at…..because I made connections and get fed info.
I also hunted him down personally at times….did drivebyes, out of state etc….WAY ERIN BROCKOVICH style……
Until I’m done legally with him…..I’ll keep tabs on him……until the TPO is up….I’ll keep tabs on him……I wanna know when he’s gonna be in town…..for safety AND service reasons…..
Y0ou otta see their faces when you have em served at a friends house in ‘ eastern Istanbul’……it freaks them out…..
Mine was convinced I had a PI on him full time for years…..uh, yeah….that’ll teach em to discount us! he never gave me credit for being savvy!

As far as CS….I’d get an order…default if needed….then report ALL unpaid support immediately to the DA’s office , or whoever collects in your state. You might not get anything right away…..but it NEVER goes away…..so later on down the line. IF YOU SO CHOOSE….you can go after any assets……
Don’t expect payments…..but If I remember right….your youngest is 13 or 14 ish…..so you don’t have many years left……
It’s just another layer….
Typically, these guys, when they know the kids don’t want em…they will go away and reappear after 18…..because it’s YOUR FAULT they don’t like me…..you’ve poisoned them against me….yadayada…..
and if he doesn’t have money to fight in court…..or any smarts….he’ll go away……

He will use his family….so expect that too. Play them if you have to.
Play the ‘little woman’ if your cabable….Don’t dog the S…..to them….it won’t behoove you….you’ll never get them on ‘yourside’……so just play em to gain information.
And use it as you need to …..BUT REMAIN UNEMOTIONAL and kepe your cards covered…..Play counter control and remain in that mode throughout the process……NO EMOTIONS……business only.

So…..get on it girl…..the only thing that will hold you back is service. So…..hunt him down…..but COVERTLY!!!

Use cash…..Keep cash……keep all receipts…keep all kids expenses in separate binder…..expensed out.

Also….If your car is registered in Jane Doe OR John Doe….go get the title in you name only NOW…..
If not….get the docs from the DMV ready to be served after the vehicle is awarded to you.
Do YOU have the title?

You wouldn’t by chance had a POWER OF ATTORNEY signed by him would you?

Does he have health insurance under your policy still? You can keep tabs on him this way too…..where he visits dr’s….get the records through the ins. co.

And that’s the way it is!!:)

GOOD!!!

You sound strong….KeEp it up…..and geterdone!!!

Morning all…little help….I am going thru the divorce proceedings now I filed back in march of 09…I fell back in to her trap several times…I have been fair and honest…with my attorney…S has worked for attorneys since Ive know her she is cunning ,clever and has not been straight with her attorney of course(her atty was a camel jockey in a circus ) no really! they are dragging this out…her atty is feeding her crap and she is feeding her atty crap….I have to go to court 2moro(april fools day) for a motion to delay more because atty hasnt had time for discovery…it been a year…Im hoping the judge will rule in our favor the trial is set for APRIL 19th….help ..going to talk to a therapist today…hope fully he can help me …I feel like Ive been hit with a 4 x 4 right sg n the frontal lobe…I not sleeping well…or thinking as clearly as I normally do…help pleas…thank you to all!!!!

hman,
Divorce is a legal process for seperating the essntially business and legal aspects of marriage. The decisions are based on a fain discovery and division of assets.

The negotiations must be based on facts to be acceptable to a judge.

So, stick to facts. Stay close to YOUR attorney and remember that most of the he said/she said that goes on has very little to do with the negotiations.

The basis for any of the stuff that is worrying you ins positioning to negotiate for property settlement and financial assets.

At the bottom line, its a business negotiation.

If you have been fair and honest with your attorney and consistently worked from facts which are proveable, then you have the upper hand.

Stick with the facts. Keep your pencil sharp on the numbers and stay close to your attorney. Let them do the negotiationg if your are shaken emotionally. Its what you are paying them for! And they know the ins and outs of the law better.

What governs divorce is the assets and income. The divorce is going to divide them between you. It will make no judgement about her character. However, any failure to disclose or untrue information about the assets and income won’t be regarded highly by the judge.

I understand the hit by the 4X4 and most of us here have shared that experience. Don’t let the way you feel throw you for a loop. Its normal to be nervous and feel distressed.

Therapy is a GREAT IDEA. Let us know how that goes for you, I hope it helps. It has been good for me in the past when I was really distressed.

Sleep helps too! That’s a biggie! If your sleep is off, don’t forget to use excercise a walk? as a way to help yourself get centered.

Mst of all, as simple as it sounds- don’t forget to breathe deeply, ground yourself and BE HERE NOW.

We’ll be right here.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

Harmony man – can you take benedryl? it’s an over the counter antihistamine. it can help you sleep.

look – i know most of us care about being fair an djust and proceeding with integrity. but spaths don’t and it only matters in court to he extent that it doesn’t pith off the judge and shows you in a good light.

being a good person isn’t a strategy. and you need a strategy. silvermoom has given you some info. Help from both Matt and ErinBrock here would be very useful. EB is here everyday, matt not so much.

Keep writing, keep the faith, get a strategy!

omg i have been typing for 25 minutes and just lost it all befor getting to post…shit..telling u all what is going on…dammit damit..shit omg..she is trying to crush me!!

she is trying to take evrything…she is a thief she been charged with 30 counts of fidutiary theft… to the tune of 50,000 thousand ..I cant believe I lost all that effort..i really was laying it out…oh man this is so frustrating..

Harmonyman,

When that happens I want to SCREAM!

Take a deep breath… remember the key word with regard to your ex…is she is “trying”… she hasnt succeeded… she is just trying… it may be to absolutely no avail… so keep your balance as best as you can. Two feet firmly planted and on the ground…through chaos and confusion you can find the harmony in yourself 🙂 sounds tacky but Ive seen your Myspace page and I know you have the spirit and light to regroup within.

Stay strong. Sort out the facts. Stick to the basics. Stay on course.

Right now in this moment … just breathe…and know you are going to be okay. Take one day at a time. Expect the unexpected with her and stay on course with your lawyer. Do not let her get the best of you… she can try all she wants… she will NOT succeed.

she has worked with attorneys as long as i have know her..shes an exceptional organizer..and lier…when it comes to this stuff

i have a myspacepage?

OH MY GOODNESS …. oops.. If not — Im totally mistaken and I totally apologize 🙂 I really thought you were the person who shared his myspace page here at LF… thank you for clarifying… so while I feel soo embarrassed right now, my advice still remains that she is just “trying” — she has yet to succeed.

She may be an exceptional organizer and liar…but you WILL have your say too. Focus on that – what you can do, what you can bring to the table…You have a chance at being heard too — focus on your truth and bring it all to the table.

Again, my apologies for mistaking you for another poster at LF.

I looked I do have a myspace page..I think a friend must have set it up..not much there..u could have me mistaken though..please dont apologize

I cant believe ilost all of that post …thank u Learning…I am going to get on the tractor…cut some fields and tear something up!!!

SHE IS A LYING GOLDDIGGER THAT NEVER QUITS TILL SHE GETS HER WAY,I WANT TO KICK HER LYING ASS…… IN COURT

Harmonyman – I definitely mistook you for another poster… the page Im referring to has sooooo many quotes and uplifiting sayings/photos… it was quite some time ago – so Im not sure how I made the connection to you, other than possibly something similar with the names…

You made me laugh when you said ” I have a myspace page? after I just finished raving about it! I should probably find the link and forward it to you just so you can get energy and strength from his harmonious page! 🙂

In the meantime, I hope you can take one day at a time and remember she is only in the process of “trying” to get the best of you. Dont let her. Easier said than done, I know…but still possible when you gain back focus and control and simply do your best on your end.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

Harmonyman – doing something intense and physical will release the pent up rage. i hope dropping those shares into the ground helped.

post a bunch – and people will be able to help you get focused on how to move through the legal proceedings.

i said it before and i will say it again – being decent and honest only matters to people who are decent and honest. with her, you need strategies for dealing with spaths and the people within the systems you are dealing with – who will often not have a clue or WANT to have a clue about what she is.

hang in there – evil has been around forever, and your job is to learn how to out maneuver it in service to your own sanity.

Dear Harmony man,

I live out in the sticks and have a problem someitmes in losing interent connection and then posting (before I check) so you can type your post into word or some other document and then paste into the comment box, or you can type on the comment box and SAVE it to your ocmputer in case it croaks and you lose it.

I’ve lost a couple of longn posts here lately because I didn’t save it…oh, well, I figure it is the universe’s way of telling me I didn’t need to post that right now anyway. LOL

I hear your frustration and anger! It is just so UNREAL seeming sometimes that anyone, even a psychopathic monster could thinkk of all the things they think of to do!

There just doesn’t seem to be a reason for all of this except EVIL…just pure evil!

I don’t know how to combat it myself sometimes and I just want to bang my head into the table! Other times I can “handle it” okay—your reaction to get on the tractor and go destroy something, tear something up, is a pretty good reaction I think!

Or go play some music to soothe your savage soul! Maybe she will go to jail over this and you can write a “jail house blues” song just for her!

I would like to thank lovefraud first of all. This is my first post, but I have been reading for a few years now. I wont get into the gorry details of the last 6 years of my life and trying to disconnect from my s/p ex on this post. Maybe later. Too many details. We have children involved and I am sure many of you can relate to the distress the s/p is causing to me and my children. I want to comment on this post, though, because I bought the book Splitting and read it front to back. Very good information. However, there is a forward in the book from an IL attorney that claims to know much about this subject. I called this attorney and had contact with him and told him my situation. I even thought of using him for “co-counsel” advice, paid advice of course due to the extremes of this case. Well, needless to say he is now representing my ex s/p. And he is very well versed at all of the tactics William Eddy describes and warns of. He is also a member of APA and is using his knowlege of high conflict divorce and custody to twist and flip the truth. He is big on PAS and is trying to say I am alientating my kids from my ex when in fact it is the other way around. My ex has managed to, with the guide of his attorney, to turn this case into a “he said/she said” case. Not to mention paying off the court appointed evaluator who took over a year to submit his report that took everything I said and my concerns as accusations and every thing my ex and his wife said as truth. (His wife who by the way is a product of an affair). There is no easy way out of an s/p’s life. He said he was going to ruin my life. My hope for all that are in this type of mess, keep moving forward. The devil is a liar and operates thru fear and intimidation. But the bible says that God does not give us the spirit of fear…but of power, of love, and of a sound mind. The truth will prevail. Stay strong and disengage emotionally as much as possible. They never loved you so why give them your power by responding. I am so greatful for this site. It has taught me so much. I always new there was something wrong in our marriage and with my ex, but I could never put my finger on it. Now I can and knowledge is power. There are so many people hurting because of these concsiousless shells of darkness. The best we can do is be a good example for our kids. Teach them what we know when they are old enough to understand. We have to be their rock..Thank you for listening…

Dear HGG,

Well, glad you are here and glad you are somewhat versed in all of this chaos. Thanks for posting and sharing! Sounds like a good book for those that need it.

God bless and good luckk in your court case.

HGG, I feel your pain. On the day of my trial I woke up and I was afraid of how the court will percieve me. Out of the blue, in my mind I had a vision of Jesus. he was judged by the court. He was human and the court was human and he was judged wrongly. So, that helped me realize that no matter what the Humans think of me in that court room, I know the truth, I have the integrity and the power of being a mother. I wish I got safety for my child. I did not. But, I got my sanity back and that is the best I could do for my child at this time. I don’t know if it was a spiritual message or it was my interpretation of what I had learned, but since this vision, I had not been nearly as afraid and I trust that my child will be OK until such time that I can regroup and bring more evidence forth (hope not to have to).

It is always important to understand and have faith in the possibility that there is a plan greater than our own, and when things don’t work out the way we want or hope, that in the longer run they may even better than we dreamed.

Remember, “Faith Hope and Love and the greatest of these is Love”.

gotta post…extremely MAD and ANGRY s just had the grandchild call and say “POPs can u get the key (to the house where gran was living the courts made her leave because of the past aggressions it on the other piece of property about 2 miles by road and 3/4s by the woods) I want to go see my room..she was crying and very upset..4 yrs old ..HOW THE F?^&..can someone do that 2 a child…what a sick BITCH…now I really want her ass KICKED in the courts of course…Im sitting hear in tears..I am soooo PISSED >>I have to keep this anger …I need to keep this anger until court may 24th…I will keep this anger..damn !!!luv yall!!

Harmony:
It’s all angering……especially when a child is involved….
You MUST remain balanced……and find a way to cope with these triggers from your Gbaby.
It’s NOT going to stop…..so collect yourself and find a way to use it against her.
Document this……
It’s covert abuse…..and it’s gonna be hard to prove.
This baby is going to be used to ‘get to you’…..you have to be the ‘adult’ and explain in 4 year old terms……simple, yet concise….
Shes’ gonna be in for these ‘sad days’ alot living in the environment she’s in….
The serenity prayer should be your friend……..

The quicker you learn to ‘expect’ this shiat from the spath…..the quicker your gonna be able to ‘cope’ with it without letting it send you orbital!!!!

Find the control, find the strength, and document….

XXOO
EB

ErinBrock, you have the best information with regard to coping with a legal battle against a sociopath.

The only thing that I can reiterate is DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT. Phone calls, dates, exact quotes, expenses, everything and anything, even if it seems irrelevant. I actually kept a notebook on hand, at all times. I also made copies with periodic updates that I gave (in sealed envelopes) to trusted individuals just in the event that “Something Happened.”

When children are involved, it is they who suffer the most – the misinformation and demands of loyalty, etc. Do your very best to leave them out of all adult issues. It’s bad enough for them to have the sociopath ripping them apart, but two parents splitting the baby is too much for them to bear.

I’ve been through it, myself, and each and every one of you who is involved in this ugly legal dance are in my most positive thoughts. Best regards…Buttons

Dear Harmonyman,

I agree with the postings above! Keep coming here and blogging, let your anger rage here, but KEEP YOUR COOL, it is important to keep our cool heads. I got so emotionally involved in it all, so angry that it blinded me so much Ii came off sounding like a NUT CASE!

It is important that we not let them “crazy make” us and they will do everything and use everyone they can to make us look like the nut job. They stand there like “Joe cool” and we end up slobbering like a sick dog.

Keep your anger, but cool it down to a COLD ANGER, and keep your head about you! I won’t tell you it was easy, but I learned the HARD WAY so hopefully my “losing it” will forewarn you and give you an advantage! God bless you!!!! My prayers!

one/joy_step_at_a_time

…and slowly we turn into stealy creatures, in protection of our honest loving hearts and those of others.

Buttons:
I only hope my experience and information I learned through my journey can help others…..
Trial and error…..just the school of hard knocks……
I studied the laws and pressed ahead in the courts and was successful.
I believe dealing with a spath in court is a VERY DIFFERENT GAME…..
My first attorney’s secretary looked at me early on and said….EB…THIS IS NOT A CHESS GAME…..
I fired them shortly after…..
Contrair my dear…..IT IS A CHESS GAME…..and every move counts!!!!!

I beleive success CAN be achieved……with the right moves.

Keep on plugging along…..we ALL do it for different reasons.
I’m glad my input is helpful to some…..
I want EVERY SPATH to be exposed and every dupe to be successful…..
It’s not an easy road….we all know this.

harmony-

You are angry. Good. That means you have energy. Now conserve it and USE it for result. Forge the heat of it into something as cold and hard as steel and use it as the weapon to defeat this monster in court.

What she is doing to that child is WRONG. And that is what you are fighting for.

Until you are soveriegn, you may not fight for the little one. Get cool and clear and go to court like Ike went to Normandy!

Fight for it!

And we will be here to support you.

I can’t stand it! Another day has gone by and that means I have waited three whole weeks for my filing to be served to the SPATH in JAIL.

I don’t understand why this isn’t getting done and nobody seems to know who has the ball or how to get it downfield.

I could just scream. They got their money and now nothing.

The legal system is a pain in the ass!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In the meantime, the small town in Colorado where I have a house that I rented has decided they don’t like my tenant so they are going to leverage me to run him out and then the drunk next door gets to harass the next one and the next one.

I am so tired of the tire treads over me.

I can’t fight all these battles by getting angry but I can’t help feeling really stressed.

The system doesn’t work for people – just the crazies and drunks that have time to play it.

I could just scream! Just!

Remind me it was my idea to quit smoking today.
One hell of a day for it.

That is just what these s/p’s expect for us to be is ANGRY..then they can go tell their little “hate army” crew what angry people we are. We have a right to be angry. The bible even says”be angry and sin not”. Anger is an emotion that is for our protection. I get angry but am not an angry person. They try to tell my kids..”ohhh, your mom is an angry person”. That is what they are pushing us to be. The best thing we can do is to take care of ourselves, eat right, exercise and retain our peace. Not giving them the response they are looking for is the best way to fight back. My ex s/p and his wife certainly do not live right. He is in a rock band, up all night, they both drink heavily, possibly doing drugs (his wife’s son OD’d recently). They eat out at restaurants all the time..,you better believe this type of lifestyle will eventually catch up to them. They are not as young as they think or as resiliant. I just found out they actually left the 7 y/o child (my ex’s step child)behind when they went to the restaurant. They got there and realized she had been forgotten. I guess they have a lot on their minds..ya think? It is somewhat survival of the fittest as well as making the right moves. When we treat our selves right, our minds are sharper and we can stay one step ahead. Get angry rightfully, but dont stay angry, keep your power and dont give them your emotions. I want to make a bumper sticker “EXPOSE SOCIOPATHS”! What do you think…

hgg:
GREAT IDEA…..got a spot on my car for it!

“It is somewhat survival of the fittest as well as making the right moves. When we treat our selves right, our minds are sharper and we can stay one step ahead. Get angry rightfully, but dont stay angry, keep your power and dont give them your emotions. ”

Couldn’t be more accurate a statement!
it’s part of the recipe to success in dealing with a spath through the courts and in life afterwards…
GOOD CALL!

Ya know….Vistaprint.com makes up all sorts of stickers/stationary, and CAR MAGNETS…..
Wouldn’t a car magnet be perfect….big and removable for inappropriate places…..that you don’t want to appear ‘angry’….

You could do a series of sociopath stickers….
the circle with line through it…NO sociopaths…
Sociopaths suck
Do you Know where your CLUSTER B is?
My ex was sociopath of the year in XX town.
Google CLUSTER B.
Do you know what a personality disorder is???
Cluster B’s and Domestic Violence go hand in hand.

I see a home business here girl…..

Eb-

We need a t shirt for you that says Spath buster!

Who ya gonna call???

LOVE IT!

Silver:
Remind me what docs your serving in jail?
And in Ca?

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