Lovefraud frequently receives e-mails and phone calls from people who are divorcing a sociopath and are afraid they’re going to get trashed in court. They know the sociopaths will lie—smoothly and convincingly—and are terrified that the manipulator will end up winning the money, the house, and custody of the kids.
If you’re facing family court battles with a sociopath, I recommend that you buy and read Splitting—Protecting Yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist, by William A. Eddy. It may be the best $25 you ever spend.
Eddy, the author, is both a therapist (Licensed Clinical Social Worker) and an attorney. He understands the law, the courts and how people with personality disorders can manipulate them. You need to understand all of this as well.
The book explains the court process; the roles of attorneys, evaluators and other professionals; how to gather evidence; and generally what to expect.
Tactics and strategies
As the subtitle suggests, Splitting refers to people with borderline and narcissistic personality disorders, whom Eddy calls “persuasive blamers.” References to sociopaths are limited. Still, the tactics and strategies he suggests would be helpful in dealing with a sociopath as well.
One of Eddy’s main points is that you must be assertive right from the beginning of your case. The blamer may accuse you of infidelity, mental instability, child abuse or sexual misconduct—accusations which the court will take seriously. You must be prepared to respond to the accusations immediately. Once the court issues judgments and rulings—even if they are based on lies—it is very difficult to get them undone later.
Eddy discusses the importance of documentation, and how it can bolster your case. In fact, the book includes an interview with a man who aggressively gathered documentation to prove his wife’s pattern of behavior to the court evaluator. Four former husbands gave statements indicating that she had done the same things to them that she was doing to him.
Should you mention the disorder?
Eddy also has a chapter devoted to whether or not you should have an expert testify about the personality disorder. He recognizes the dilemma:
If you are too aggressive about raising this subject, the judge may be angry with you for seeming to attack someone’s personality.
Yet if the judge does not fully understand the personality dynamics beneath the surface, the court may misunderstand your case and get it backwards.
From my experience and the input of others, it appears best to gently present this information to the court, but not rely on it being accepted.
Eddy then outlines ways in which psychological information may be presented, and how it may affect the outcome of the case, even if it is not explicit in court rulings.
Splitting is available online from BPDCentral.com. If you’re going to family court against a sociopath, read this book.
My ex vilified his ex wife to everyone, and does to this day. Yet they seem to have a decent relationship dealing with their son, my guess is because she knows what kind of man he is and doesn’t make any waves.
He loves to tell this story… When his ex told him she was going to use it against him in court that he is so ‘anti religion’.. He went out and got a ministers license!!!
PS.. Forgot to mention.. He laughed about ‘How he could marry people if he wanted to’. I guess it’s no suprize he never renewed the license when it expired.. it had served it’s purpose.
MYBOYS…I’m over here…..
this thread has way less posts and it’s on topic.
Okay…heres what I want you to do today….
Call the court clerks office where you filed….and ask them….step by step what the process is IF Mr. S doesn’t respond to your divorce petition….you don’t necessarily need to give anything about your case….just ask these questions.
DON”T ask your attorney….call the court yourself.
I want you to be clear on the process……
Were you given a court date with your petition.
If so….MAKE SURE, come hell or high water…..you or your attorney don’t change that date!!!!
Any changes, and the S will have to be served….and you know how that goes…..
I want to tell you……even though this is a ‘legal’ process….my experience has been that courts don’t hold to a ‘t’ deadlines…..like IF he responds tomorrow or next week, or shows up at the hearing (if one was set)….then the courts may allow him to be heard….because he has a ‘stake’ in the proceedings.
This is NOT right…..but it is what judges tend to do….stretch the laws for schlaggs……they see it all the time.
Now it’s important you keep level and balanced…..this is where the pain in the ass happens…..
I don’t believe it’s as easy as just ‘being divorced by April’…..
Youve got to prepare yourself….for anythign…..and NOT be disappointed….
He could come back with all sorts of chit…..like….your honor, I was out of the country…..I wasn’t served properly (sis has lead up to this)…..OR….he could hire an attorney NOW…..
The court won’t turn him away….UNFORTUNATELY.
Just don’t look at this as a ‘slam dunk’.
Light a fire under your attorneys butt and tell him you want to proceed with HASTE!
IF you can figure out a better way to have him served….figure it out……it’ll costs you less than if your attorney just does protocol service…..
Remember, your attorney will do things standardly……
YOU CAN DO THE GROUNDWORK on your case…..such as trying to locate him, job…etc….keep tabs on him for this purpose ONLY!!! NOT the emotional purposes…..you MUST SEPARATE……It’s NOT a divorce…..this is a lawsuit….and you can’t get emotional!!! That’s the balance……hard one!!!
So….hope this helps ya….but get on that phone and call the courts yourself right now!!!
Dear ErinB,
Great advice.
Unfortunately for most of us the “laws” are pretty complex and Judges and attorneys have great leighway in how they use the laws.
I don’t propose that ALL of us go out and get a law license or attend law school,, but it is GOOD SENSE I think to learn something about LAWS and how they might effect you.
I took a course in BUSINESS LAW and kept my text book for reference and it has saved my ARSE in multiple occasions.
One for example, we (my husband and I) had a business deal with another person that involved him working on an aircraft, that we had bought for the intent and purpose of selling after he did the work. His compensation was a percentage AFTER the sale of the plane. We wanted this to be drawn up in a CONTRACT to protect both him and us. SO we hired and paid an attorney to do this.
When the attorney gave us the contract, because of my knowledge of BUSINESS LAW, I immediately spotted SEVERAL GLARING holes in the contract. One of which was, HOW LONG HE HAD TO COMPLETE HIS PART OF THE PROJECT, and what happened if he did PART OF IT and never finished it, and what would happen if he DIED IN THE MIDDLE OF IT?
So, if I hadn’t known something about contractual laws I would have missed these entirely. As it did turn out, HE TOOK LONGER TO COMPLETE THE WORK THAN AGREED ON, AND HE DIED BEFORE HE COMPLETED IT. If We had not had those clauses in there (which the attorney didn’t think of) we would have lost our underware in the deal. As it was, we lost our pants, but we at least kept our underware.
I think it behooves each person dealing with an attorney to double check some of the legal aspects and to learn about whatever it is that they are dealing on.
There’s an old joke about physicians—-“what do you call the doctor who finished LAST IN HIS MEDICAL SCHOOL CLASS?”
The answer is DOCTOR.
Same for ATTORNEYS, you call them John Doe, “esquire.”
Sometimes things are SO complex you have to have a “second opinion” from another doctor or attorney if you cannot study the problem and come up with some reasonable answer yourself.
Or if you are so EMOTIONALLY involved in the problem that you can’t think straight. I’VE BEEN THERE and got the TEE on that last one as well. I would have done much better if I hadn’t been so emotionally involved and had gotten better control over my emotions and thinking, and it is DIFFICULT TO DO when you are in a chaotic and emotional situation.
Oxy.
I have always hated being ‘out of the loop’ on situations going on IN my life….(although I let the spath keep me out of loop!)…..any property I purchased, I wanted to know the process……wha’ts next….who orders what, who pays for what….what is YOUR job, what is expected of ME. This has served me well.
During the divorce, this behavior served me VERY WELL!!!
It always pays, to be an informed consumer and with the internet….there is really no excuse.
I’m watching my GF, who went to final divorce hearing in early Jan…pay out the butt for her forensic accountant and her attorney…(who BTW…took off for a months vacation to Egypt several days after her hearing)……WHo do ya think paid for that trip?????
Her divorce is still NOT signed…..the accountants and attorneys are milking them…..and we aren’t talking peanuts……SHE has paid alone…over 300K for accountant and attorney…..PATHETIC….
I keep telling her to do the figures herself……..do the research herself…..because whatever they present to her is hoblygogbly to her anyways……they make sense to the accountant…..but not her…..then he goes back to the drawing board ON HER Dime!!!
If she was more involved and figured out UPFRONT what she wanted and what she would settle for…..she wouldn’t have spent her alimony on the pro’s.
Currently they are fighting over a 2000. child support payment NOT made in January…..It’s cost them about 15K to fight about that…..
THIS IS FIGHTING TO FIGHT!!!!!
She talks the talk…..but she ain’t walking the walk….
I go through her docs with her and hightlight points……but she doesn’t do the work to know what I’m talking about to approach her attorney…..and just let’s the attorney ‘go’ with whatever the attorney does……AT HER COST!!!
I think, the more we are involved, the more we can design HOW it goes, and set a precident to not allow the attorneys to have ulterior motives with our case….(like to take a trip to Egypt or pay off a car etc)…..
Think of the peeps in our lives we KNOW are informed…..that get what they want out of situations…..
Because they are less likely to be taken advantage of…..and drive the car they are riding in!!!!
Yes, it takes great work and commitment to push the emotions aside……but it is a MUST!
Deal with em later…..get business taken care of first!!!!
Crumble later.
I would be surprised if the hearing date doesn’t have to be served on him……
I’m not an attorney…..just sayen….
Just as long as YOUR clear on the process…..
It is my understanding you also can’t collect alimony for a default divorce…..
and how about CS?
Any properties owned, assets…..don’t ya gotta list everything you owned together……
AND have him sign off?
Are there assets? Sorry I dont’ recall.
I am like you EB…I like to educate myself as much as possible…the info is out there just waiting to be learned. That is how I found LF…
My attorney is new, very new…but good! He actually got the judge to sign off on substitute serving a TRO – almost unheard of!!
He has two mentors he consults with my questions, so he is learning at the same time. I am one of his first divorce cases, so he is getting an education in sociopaths and their behavior too…I hope he takes that experience forward and help victims in the future.
Best of all, he is affordable and on top of that, has been discounting my fees…making it VERY affordable. I feel so blessed.
CS is going though the AG and the court date is April 8. That is a separate matter.
As I don’t get alimony, etc in a default divorce, I do get all the community property. As he is at fault in this divorced and abandoned the home and spent our funds frivolously the last few months and I have proof, I will be able to put the bulk of the marital debt on him.
The home is going into foreclosure – it is in his name only and will not affect my credit. The home needs to much work at this point (collapsed sewer line, no heat/air, and he trashed it before he left. My son will not sleep in his room (where the stbx holed himself up and went off the deep end) as that is what he calls the “drug den and says he sees the “ghost” of his father in his white sweatshirt” in there…so we are moving…I am saving up money now to do so…can prob stay here until it gets too hot to go without AC.
Do your homework girl…..
Make a LIST OF ALL ASSETS…..and make sure you know what you need to have HIM (S) name taken off of….
THIS is what I’m still trying to deal with….even thoguht i was awarded everything…..trying to get his name off things is the problem, the house is the biggest…I need him off….or he’s gonna meet me back in court!!!
I’m gearing up for this.
Also another thing I have learned is….jsut because a divorce is final…..that’s when the real work begins…..it doens’t end…just the legal ties of it…..the cleanup is messy!!!
Go getem girl!!!!!
You sound like your right on track!!!
I just want to get the divorce done with right now and then tackle the rest after…
According to the Texas Rules of Civil Procedure 245, I do not have to serve him with the trial date unless he responds at any time between now and the final date.
And my requirement is:
to serve papers at her last known address, DONE
the Citation is returned to the clerk’s office with proof of your service, DONE
If all of this is done then all you need to do if prepare the final divorce decree for the judge’s signature. A brief hearing may be held at which the judge will sign the divorce decree making it official.
I have already provided my attorney a list of all assets and how I want it divided – the majority of our furniture was willed to me by my Grandmother…
And I do have a resource for keeping tabs on him. It is how I am finding his addresses and proof he is in Florida.
I am using it to provide info to the AG to track him down for child support.
I am also doing quite a bit of the groundwork for the divorce…I had it all ready to go to do by myself when he all of a sudden started calling out of the blue…that is when the attorney who was reviewing my papers for me suggested I hire my attorney just in case. It has made it easier to get through the courts and faster than doing it myself…
It is not a slam dunk…yet…he could mess it up in so many ways…I am just hoping for the best while expecting and preparing for the worst…
I do need to get his name off my truck…don’t use joint accounts, opened up one of my own…