Lovefraud frequently receives e-mails and phone calls from people who are divorcing a sociopath and are afraid they’re going to get trashed in court. They know the sociopaths will lie—smoothly and convincingly—and are terrified that the manipulator will end up winning the money, the house, and custody of the kids.
If you’re facing family court battles with a sociopath, I recommend that you buy and read Splitting—Protecting Yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist, by William A. Eddy. It may be the best $25 you ever spend.
Eddy, the author, is both a therapist (Licensed Clinical Social Worker) and an attorney. He understands the law, the courts and how people with personality disorders can manipulate them. You need to understand all of this as well.
The book explains the court process; the roles of attorneys, evaluators and other professionals; how to gather evidence; and generally what to expect.
Tactics and strategies
As the subtitle suggests, Splitting refers to people with borderline and narcissistic personality disorders, whom Eddy calls “persuasive blamers.” References to sociopaths are limited. Still, the tactics and strategies he suggests would be helpful in dealing with a sociopath as well.
One of Eddy’s main points is that you must be assertive right from the beginning of your case. The blamer may accuse you of infidelity, mental instability, child abuse or sexual misconduct—accusations which the court will take seriously. You must be prepared to respond to the accusations immediately. Once the court issues judgments and rulings—even if they are based on lies—it is very difficult to get them undone later.
Eddy discusses the importance of documentation, and how it can bolster your case. In fact, the book includes an interview with a man who aggressively gathered documentation to prove his wife’s pattern of behavior to the court evaluator. Four former husbands gave statements indicating that she had done the same things to them that she was doing to him.
Should you mention the disorder?
Eddy also has a chapter devoted to whether or not you should have an expert testify about the personality disorder. He recognizes the dilemma:
If you are too aggressive about raising this subject, the judge may be angry with you for seeming to attack someone’s personality.
Yet if the judge does not fully understand the personality dynamics beneath the surface, the court may misunderstand your case and get it backwards.
From my experience and the input of others, it appears best to gently present this information to the court, but not rely on it being accepted.
Eddy then outlines ways in which psychological information may be presented, and how it may affect the outcome of the case, even if it is not explicit in court rulings.
Splitting is available online from BPDCentral.com. If you’re going to family court against a sociopath, read this book.
Harmonyman – I definitely mistook you for another poster… the page Im referring to has sooooo many quotes and uplifiting sayings/photos… it was quite some time ago – so Im not sure how I made the connection to you, other than possibly something similar with the names…
You made me laugh when you said ” I have a myspace page? after I just finished raving about it! I should probably find the link and forward it to you just so you can get energy and strength from his harmonious page! 🙂
In the meantime, I hope you can take one day at a time and remember she is only in the process of “trying” to get the best of you. Dont let her. Easier said than done, I know…but still possible when you gain back focus and control and simply do your best on your end.
Harmonyman – doing something intense and physical will release the pent up rage. i hope dropping those shares into the ground helped.
post a bunch – and people will be able to help you get focused on how to move through the legal proceedings.
i said it before and i will say it again – being decent and honest only matters to people who are decent and honest. with her, you need strategies for dealing with spaths and the people within the systems you are dealing with – who will often not have a clue or WANT to have a clue about what she is.
hang in there – evil has been around forever, and your job is to learn how to out maneuver it in service to your own sanity.
Dear Harmony man,
I live out in the sticks and have a problem someitmes in losing interent connection and then posting (before I check) so you can type your post into word or some other document and then paste into the comment box, or you can type on the comment box and SAVE it to your ocmputer in case it croaks and you lose it.
I’ve lost a couple of longn posts here lately because I didn’t save it…oh, well, I figure it is the universe’s way of telling me I didn’t need to post that right now anyway. LOL
I hear your frustration and anger! It is just so UNREAL seeming sometimes that anyone, even a psychopathic monster could thinkk of all the things they think of to do!
There just doesn’t seem to be a reason for all of this except EVIL…just pure evil!
I don’t know how to combat it myself sometimes and I just want to bang my head into the table! Other times I can “handle it” okay—your reaction to get on the tractor and go destroy something, tear something up, is a pretty good reaction I think!
Or go play some music to soothe your savage soul! Maybe she will go to jail over this and you can write a “jail house blues” song just for her!
I would like to thank lovefraud first of all. This is my first post, but I have been reading for a few years now. I wont get into the gorry details of the last 6 years of my life and trying to disconnect from my s/p ex on this post. Maybe later. Too many details. We have children involved and I am sure many of you can relate to the distress the s/p is causing to me and my children. I want to comment on this post, though, because I bought the book Splitting and read it front to back. Very good information. However, there is a forward in the book from an IL attorney that claims to know much about this subject. I called this attorney and had contact with him and told him my situation. I even thought of using him for “co-counsel” advice, paid advice of course due to the extremes of this case. Well, needless to say he is now representing my ex s/p. And he is very well versed at all of the tactics William Eddy describes and warns of. He is also a member of APA and is using his knowlege of high conflict divorce and custody to twist and flip the truth. He is big on PAS and is trying to say I am alientating my kids from my ex when in fact it is the other way around. My ex has managed to, with the guide of his attorney, to turn this case into a “he said/she said” case. Not to mention paying off the court appointed evaluator who took over a year to submit his report that took everything I said and my concerns as accusations and every thing my ex and his wife said as truth. (His wife who by the way is a product of an affair). There is no easy way out of an s/p’s life. He said he was going to ruin my life. My hope for all that are in this type of mess, keep moving forward. The devil is a liar and operates thru fear and intimidation. But the bible says that God does not give us the spirit of fear…but of power, of love, and of a sound mind. The truth will prevail. Stay strong and disengage emotionally as much as possible. They never loved you so why give them your power by responding. I am so greatful for this site. It has taught me so much. I always new there was something wrong in our marriage and with my ex, but I could never put my finger on it. Now I can and knowledge is power. There are so many people hurting because of these concsiousless shells of darkness. The best we can do is be a good example for our kids. Teach them what we know when they are old enough to understand. We have to be their rock..Thank you for listening…
Dear HGG,
Well, glad you are here and glad you are somewhat versed in all of this chaos. Thanks for posting and sharing! Sounds like a good book for those that need it.
God bless and good luckk in your court case.
HGG, I feel your pain. On the day of my trial I woke up and I was afraid of how the court will percieve me. Out of the blue, in my mind I had a vision of Jesus. he was judged by the court. He was human and the court was human and he was judged wrongly. So, that helped me realize that no matter what the Humans think of me in that court room, I know the truth, I have the integrity and the power of being a mother. I wish I got safety for my child. I did not. But, I got my sanity back and that is the best I could do for my child at this time. I don’t know if it was a spiritual message or it was my interpretation of what I had learned, but since this vision, I had not been nearly as afraid and I trust that my child will be OK until such time that I can regroup and bring more evidence forth (hope not to have to).
It is always important to understand and have faith in the possibility that there is a plan greater than our own, and when things don’t work out the way we want or hope, that in the longer run they may even better than we dreamed.
Remember, “Faith Hope and Love and the greatest of these is Love”.
gotta post…extremely MAD and ANGRY s just had the grandchild call and say “POPs can u get the key (to the house where gran was living the courts made her leave because of the past aggressions it on the other piece of property about 2 miles by road and 3/4s by the woods) I want to go see my room..she was crying and very upset..4 yrs old ..HOW THE F?^&..can someone do that 2 a child…what a sick BITCH…now I really want her ass KICKED in the courts of course…Im sitting hear in tears..I am soooo PISSED >>I have to keep this anger …I need to keep this anger until court may 24th…I will keep this anger..damn !!!luv yall!!
Harmony:
It’s all angering……especially when a child is involved….
You MUST remain balanced……and find a way to cope with these triggers from your Gbaby.
It’s NOT going to stop…..so collect yourself and find a way to use it against her.
Document this……
It’s covert abuse…..and it’s gonna be hard to prove.
This baby is going to be used to ‘get to you’…..you have to be the ‘adult’ and explain in 4 year old terms……simple, yet concise….
Shes’ gonna be in for these ‘sad days’ alot living in the environment she’s in….
The serenity prayer should be your friend……..
The quicker you learn to ‘expect’ this shiat from the spath…..the quicker your gonna be able to ‘cope’ with it without letting it send you orbital!!!!
Find the control, find the strength, and document….
XXOO
EB
ErinBrock, you have the best information with regard to coping with a legal battle against a sociopath.
The only thing that I can reiterate is DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT. Phone calls, dates, exact quotes, expenses, everything and anything, even if it seems irrelevant. I actually kept a notebook on hand, at all times. I also made copies with periodic updates that I gave (in sealed envelopes) to trusted individuals just in the event that “Something Happened.”
When children are involved, it is they who suffer the most – the misinformation and demands of loyalty, etc. Do your very best to leave them out of all adult issues. It’s bad enough for them to have the sociopath ripping them apart, but two parents splitting the baby is too much for them to bear.
I’ve been through it, myself, and each and every one of you who is involved in this ugly legal dance are in my most positive thoughts. Best regards…Buttons