Lovefraud frequently receives e-mails and phone calls from people who are divorcing a sociopath and are afraid they’re going to get trashed in court. They know the sociopaths will lie—smoothly and convincingly—and are terrified that the manipulator will end up winning the money, the house, and custody of the kids.
If you’re facing family court battles with a sociopath, I recommend that you buy and read Splitting—Protecting Yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist, by William A. Eddy. It may be the best $25 you ever spend.
Eddy, the author, is both a therapist (Licensed Clinical Social Worker) and an attorney. He understands the law, the courts and how people with personality disorders can manipulate them. You need to understand all of this as well.
The book explains the court process; the roles of attorneys, evaluators and other professionals; how to gather evidence; and generally what to expect.
Tactics and strategies
As the subtitle suggests, Splitting refers to people with borderline and narcissistic personality disorders, whom Eddy calls “persuasive blamers.” References to sociopaths are limited. Still, the tactics and strategies he suggests would be helpful in dealing with a sociopath as well.
One of Eddy’s main points is that you must be assertive right from the beginning of your case. The blamer may accuse you of infidelity, mental instability, child abuse or sexual misconduct—accusations which the court will take seriously. You must be prepared to respond to the accusations immediately. Once the court issues judgments and rulings—even if they are based on lies—it is very difficult to get them undone later.
Eddy discusses the importance of documentation, and how it can bolster your case. In fact, the book includes an interview with a man who aggressively gathered documentation to prove his wife’s pattern of behavior to the court evaluator. Four former husbands gave statements indicating that she had done the same things to them that she was doing to him.
Should you mention the disorder?
Eddy also has a chapter devoted to whether or not you should have an expert testify about the personality disorder. He recognizes the dilemma:
If you are too aggressive about raising this subject, the judge may be angry with you for seeming to attack someone’s personality.
Yet if the judge does not fully understand the personality dynamics beneath the surface, the court may misunderstand your case and get it backwards.
From my experience and the input of others, it appears best to gently present this information to the court, but not rely on it being accepted.
Eddy then outlines ways in which psychological information may be presented, and how it may affect the outcome of the case, even if it is not explicit in court rulings.
Splitting is available online from BPDCentral.com. If you’re going to family court against a sociopath, read this book.
You sound so good, lately…I’m so glad. Glad also that help has been forthcoming. It helps us to begin to reaffirm our faith…..in something.
I don’t blindly trust anymore….especially computers…they have to earn my trust….I think you’re right, it MAY be lying. 😉
Flower and others:
Here is a copy of my letter I sent to all judges/candidates running in the last election.
I got a very positive response and was able to speak to ALL the candidates at length, either in person or on the telephone.
GOOD LUCK!!!!
Dear Judge X/Candidate X,
As far as your judicial and legal experience, I would like to ask a few questions of you.
I know it may not be a common question about a common topic, but I so want the awareness to be in the courtroom and you have the forum to educate others in the field.
I would gladly place my confidence in you with my vote. First, I need to be assured that YOU ‘Get it’.
There are thousands of victims that pass through the courtroom that need help. It is important you are aware of Cluster B personality disorders and able to recognize the behaviors involved.
I am finding that most professionals in the legal field have no idea how to proceed with personality disorders, I/e narcissistic and sociopathic, borderline disorders.
Cases are looked at as black and white, and these personalities are not black and white; to deal with them as such, only confirm the behaviors and victimizes families further.
These people have no conscience. They have no ability to tell the truth. They are not blessed with empathy or compassion. They have no issues breaking the law, they live with entitlement, and they lie to you directly in the courtroom. They are masters at projecting their behaviors onto the victims. They ‘muddy’ waters, complicate issues to confuse people, this is the design. This is called ‘splitting’.
Consequently to the judge, the accusations seem like they go both directions and judges shut down and punish both parties. This reality is helpful to the Cluster B person, and again harmful to the victim. The Cluster B’s are masters at portraying themselves as victims. Further more, Cluster B’s do not seek professional counseling, due to the fact that they will 100% of the time blame others for their behaviors. They are rarely diagnosed. Typically, they only enter counseling when threatened with the loss of ‘supply’ or legally ordered to attend. The loss of a marriage, job, family…. we are only ‘supply’ to Cluster B. They may attend 3 counseling sessions, under duress, and will not address any issues, because…..remember THEY do not have a problem. It’s US (everyone else).
So ordering the Cluster B’s to counseling is worthless.
A Cluster B disordered person will do and has done anything to destroy lives. They use all they have, money, children, assets and extended family etc… They have the mindset of; If I can’t have it, either can you. They will outspend the victim, because typically they have depleted everything the victim had access to, prior to coming to your courtroom. The victim has no way to respond to endless motions etc… They know this. They drained the accounts; they isolated and drained the victims.
Cluster B disordered persons are not authentic in any way. They live a masquerade, they are polished actors, although outwardly they are mostly productive members of society. Please do not expect them to ‘rise to the occasion’, just because you made a ruling. They do not respect authority, sometimes they are drawn to it, but not in this forum.
Cluster B’s break the law continually, most are drug or alcohol dependant. They live secret/double lives. They will not follow your orders.
At very least, if you make the harsh ruling, it gives the victims the legal avenue to protect themselves, their children and assets to start rebuilding their lives.
The public has the perception that Narcissists, Sociopaths/Psychopaths are all like Charles Manson, Ted Bundy type, dirty looking serial killers….. but do you remember Darrin Mack, Scott Peterson….. these men fit nicely into society, nice looking, good jobs, the appearance of good parenting, strong familial relations. Both were men most people would invite to dinner and have a glass of wine with.
Men such as these two come into the courtroom daily, they have family, friends, bosses bamboozled. They were protected and defended, but yet they are both exhibit classic disordered behaviors. How would you have handled these men, now looking back? If you were the judge, would you make changes in rulings, now that you are aware of the behaviors?
The victim and they’re attorney can deal with the Cluster B’s a specific way in court so as to ‘bring out’ the personalities so the judge can see the behaviors in a short period during a hearing, assuming the victims attorney ‘get’s it’ (I am finding they too look at it all as black and white).
My question to you is~ what do YOU do when you see this type of behavior in YOUR courtroom?
The courtroom is another forum for these people to continue to abuse their victims and get away with it. When judges are bamboozled by these behaviors, it only confirms the behaviors and it ups the ante for the perpetrator. It heightens the abuse and offers another forum to abuse with. I understand you must act within the confines of the law, yet there are things you can do to help these victims.
*First, clarity in your orders. Specific to a ‘T’ orders. When orders are violated and the victims come back in to court, and get assigned another judge, there is no question of intent. Punishment may be handed down, as specified by you in the original hearing.
*Please do not give them chances. This is the loophole in life they use to continue to victimize; it confirms the behaviors are ‘not that bad’. It is human nature to want to give chances…..Cluster B’s use chances as just another opportunity to exploit the system and their victims.
*Please listen closely to the contradictions and lies. They all have meaning. As a judge, you must know that if someone lies, there is something being hidden. That’s the part that is black and white. You tire of the lies, but please do something about it, let them reflect strongly in your rulings.
*Remember, they are not capable of telling the truth. The attorney representing them goes to bat on ‘their’ orders, their lies. Cluster B’s love this idea; they have someone lying on their behalf. By their attorney continuing their ‘story’….it offers ‘supply’ to them and confirms their behaviors.
*If you recognize a Cluster B personality disordered person, Please speak more directly to the parties in the courtroom. Don’t let the disordered hide behind the attorney. If you ask the parties a few ‘key’ direct questions, you will certainly be confirmed of the behaviors from the Cluster B.
*If they don’t answer your questions directly ……spot it. This will be an attempt to ‘muddy’ the waters. Please call them out on it. A Cluster B will try to run your courtroom.
I don’t mean to sound condescending, you are a highly educated and experienced person. If you have not lived with a person of this sort, you will not understand the devastation and avenues a Cluster B uses to abuse.
I never understood the bazaar behaviors myself…..until one day I woke up and it hit me like a ton of bricks. A Dr. brought this to my attention, and then I researched Cluster B personality disorders.
The decades of abuse, lies, manipulations, projections, splitting and deceit. It became clear, they do not experience love and feelings like ‘normal’ humans experience….they have motives. We are all a ‘means’ or ‘avenue’ for the disordered. They do not think or act like ‘normal’ persons. Yet, we stay in these relationships, we try to protect our kids, we do not understand. We think we are crazy (as they tell us), we try to change, we seek help, we think it’s us, we spend years trying to make it good, change approaches, appearances etc….nothing is good enough. We will never be able to make it ‘better’. They continue to abuse.
I understand, you have limited time in the courtroom, the dockets are full. You are not psychologists, But, these behaviors are really not hard to spot, IF you’re looking. You see them daily from the bench. You can move it along by shutting this person down on the first go around. No chances. Let them know by your rulings that they are not fooling anyone. You will not change their behaviors, but you will not confirm them and victimize the victim further.
Recognize these behaviors, be tough, stand firm with your words to the Cluster B and follow thru by your rulings. You have the ability to change lives for the victims of these persons.
It is very important that Judges recognize these behaviors.
It is important that Judges and attorneys are not only schooled in Law, but awareness of psychological behaviors that you see daily. Awareness is key.
You have the ability, as a judge to save the courts time and the taxpayers’ dollars by recognizing these behaviors early on, and not allowing the courts to be bogged down by these people and the behaviors. Once you have the evidence of the behaviors, you have the ability to stop the insanity.
How do you handle people in your courtroom who exhibit these Disorder’s?
How do you, within the confines of your position, stop the victimization to protect the victims?
What education do you have to recognize these issues? Are you willing to receive further knowledge on these disorders and how they affect your time on the bench and the parties in your courtroom?
There are ways you can make a difference. I urge you to seek information on Cluster B personality disorders and how this affects your daily work.
I would like to hear from you specifically addressing these issues in YOUR courtroom, and your approach, and how you feel you could do more to educate yourself to help the community, seriously affected by these issues in the courts and save the taxpayers’ money.
I appreciate your efforts and time, making XX County a better place to live.
I look forward to your reply.
Regards,
X
**Various signs of Cluster B personality disorders~
• Can not take perspective; hence situations are blown out of proportion
• No empathy.
• Preoccupied with her/his personal distress
• Cannot accept authority and hence has little concern for morals or the law
• Will try to be seen as superior
• Lies, cheats and steals
• Hypersensitive, cannot accept any form of critique
• Exploitative, vain and not self-sufficient
• Amoral/conscienceless
• Care only about appearances
• Contemptuous
• Cruel
• Envious and competitive
• Feel entitled
• Grandiose
• Passive-aggressive
• Secretive
• Self contradictory
Dear ErinB,
The only thing I see “wrong’ with your letter is that it is longer than 10 words and unfortunately, lawyers and other judges seem to want the Reader’s Digest Condensed version of the problems. Can’t maybe you lop it down to 10 ords or less? lol
Yes….it’s long….
But in order to have a conversation with a ‘voter’…..they are forced to read it…..
To know what I was saying…..
EB, the letter and the fact that you spoke with all the candidates are both very impressive. I am in awe of your strength and the time you took to prepare this letter and to prepare yourself for the conversations you had with the candidates. Bravo! You are fabulous!
Henry & Oxy, I have been reading some of your posts
that I copied and pasted to my journal last year,
and you are both fabulous too!
You guys are right on.
CHIC:
Thanks!
I wrote it two years ago….after I received a flyer on my door from a judicial candidate.
I was heading to court in a few weeks and I had an AHA moment….and frantically wrote this out…..
I SOOOOO wanted to reach the judiciary….and maybe even ‘my’ judge!
It was the first time in my life I gave the judiciary election any thought at all……
I got my responses and sent out emails to EVERYONE in my area with my picks…..and WHY.
I found others never took notice of who we elected onto the bench either….
Pretty eye opening…..
It kind of took on a mind of it’s on……which was cool.
So….thank you very much chic….for the kudos…..I DO want to ‘spread’ the word!
Shabby Chic i have no ideal what I said yesterday let alone a year ago. Sometimes I go back in the archives and find some of my old post and I am so embarrassed at what I said. I remember feeling so much the victim and blaming my past childhood drama for the reason I got involved with sociopaths.. I even thot I was co-dependent or love addicted, maybe a touch of cluster B with a dash of histrionic. But whatever I was I am not that person anymore. I used to believe what ever a person said to be the truth. I used to be a people pleaser and thot kindness and compassion was the only way I could be. I have taken off my blinders, I recognize exploiters and people with bad intentions or not so good motives. I cherish the people that are good in my life and walk away from the ones who are not. I have learned to avoid the bad and live in peace with myself and let go of the burdens of my past that can not be undone..
I love you Henry…So do you make me feel excepted…I know you’re of the other persuasion…Fricking gay??? It’s a hard life whatever way you look at it…My best friend many many years ago was a self determined gay man…he was 16…and never been with a man…so what…I loved him…he loved me…we haven’t been in touch since…so what????life goes on…
Ok…it’s ok…I am the lone poster..cuz … I am not sure…cuz I am the drinker and poster…when I feel able….I am workin on that toot…but I will testify to the havoc that the “whatever you want to call them” does to a life!!!! As I said ..I am lucky…