by Quinn Pierce
Today, after a trip to the psychologist with my children, I watched my ex-husband run to open the door for a very pregnant woman who looked extremely tired in the day’s intense heat. She immediately broke out into a grateful smile, her whole body relaxed, and I could see the combination of the cool air conditioning and the sweet gesture of this gentleman turned her whole day around.
But for me, it was like watching a car accident in slow motion. I was all at once sick and mesmerized by what I saw. I know it doesn’t sound like much of an incident to cause such a reaction, but it was so typical, and predictable, and”¦calculated. And that’s when I realized why it was so difficult to try to explain to other people what it was, exactly, that was so ”˜terrible’ about this man.
The Chameleon
He always portrays himself as the perfect (whatever the situation calls for). He can read people, anticipate what they need. He is the perfect chameleon at any social gathering. He could be at a dinner party one day praising new government reform, for example, and then stand on the sideline of a soccer game complaining about the very same policies- and with conviction each time.
I still don’t think, to this day, that he has ever had his own opinions about anything. He doesn’t need them; he only needs to know how to blend in, fit in, and be well liked by others. Even if he doesn’t like the people he’s joining arms with, it doesn’t matter, as long as he can paint himself likeable in their eyes.
Playing His Game
I used to watch him flip his alliances from person to person and think it was because he was insecure. It annoyed me, but to be honest, I learned how to use it to my advantage. I could get him to agree to things in front of other people that I knew he would refuse if it were just me asking him.
For example, he was against our child taking medication to treat depression, so I brought it up at a dinner party where there were doctors that I knew approved of treating children with medication. By the end of dinner, he was encouraging me to make an appointment. I didn’t care if he thought it was his idea, as long as my child could get treatment. In a sense, I was playing his game, but to my advantage…so I thought.
The Set-Up
I didn’t realize how well planned this strategy was until we separated. All of a sudden, I found myself trying to explain a reality that only I saw. Friends, family, acquaintances, they all saw the persona he had presented over the years. I, on the other hand, was a very private person, and I learned quickly that being private was not a trait that would serve me well in the eyes of onlookers. What’s worse, not only was he cultivating his identity, but he was slowly planting seeds of my proposed ”˜instability’ and ”˜mental illness’.
He constantly told me I was crazy when we argued; apparently, he was describing me as being mentally unstable to family and friends, as well. I actually received several phone calls from ”˜concerned’ family members asking me what medication I was taking and who my councilor was, because they thought they should call her and check in to tell her about my actions. I was stunned. My husband knew I was finally strong enough to leave him, and this was his way of turning my life upside down and taking away my credibility in the public eye.
Feeling Isolated
I had very little support from family or friends when I went forward with my divorce. That was a totally separate grief process for me. I felt as though I had been stripped of my identity. My family actually helped him move, found him an apartment, and continued to interact with him on a friendly level. I was chastised for getting upset- after all, I was the one who kicked him out and ruined his life. It was nearly too much for me to bear at times.
It has taken me years to figure out how he was able to present himself as a compassionate, empathetic person, a caring and loving father, and a respectable member of society. I certainly believed he was all of these things for much of our marriage. But I eventually could see through this façade, why couldn’t anyone else?
Playing The Part of The Perfect”¦
I think the answer is quite simple, actually. He may not be capable of feeling certain emotions, but he is acutely aware of what behaviors represent these emotions. He knows exactly what society deems respectable, kind, considerate, etc. He understands what characteristics make a man seem like a great father. He can play the role without meaning any of it.
That is why he will show up at every doctor’s visit for the children, every school conference, every sporting event. For him, it’s essential. Plus, he enjoys it; he loves the attention. In reality, I could probably write down every significant statement he’s ever made at all these appointments combined on one sticky note.
In other words, he’s just there for show. But not only that, he wants to make sure I am not defaming him in any way. He often accuses me of embarrassing him, setting him up, or manipulating him when I say something that contradicts him. He’s found it much easier to not say anything at all these days.
Today’s appointment was no exception. We did a complete overhaul of my child’s medication after years of trying different things with adverse effects. My son cried, my other child hugged him and sat next to him the whole time. I was asking desperate questions and trying to make sense of the options versus the side effects. The only input my ex-husband had during the entire appointment was small talk about chewing gum.
A New Reality
And so, when we left the appointment, and he ran to open the door with his fake sincerity, it made my skin crawl. But when one of my children turned to give me a raised eyebrow and a smirk, I realized it didn’t matter what the outside world thought about my ex-husband or me.
My children are also able to see him for what he is. My decision to divorce this man is giving my children an opportunity to grow and strengthen in a healthy environment. I don’t need to ”˜prove’ his real character to anyone. I only need to continue being myself: a woman who is getting stronger by the day, and a mother who is helping her children do the same.
Quinn – magnificent! You really captured the charade, the gaslighting, the smear campaign that so many Lovefraud readers have experienced. Thank you.
Thanks Donna, I appreciate your kind comments and support. I’m so glad to have this healing community to be able to share my experiences along the way!
Quinn
Hello Quinn, and thank you for sharing more of your journey with us. I have enjoyed all your contributions here so far and really appreciate how much humanity you fuse into your writings. So much of what you write resonates with me. Like you I have been able to observe the interactions of my resident impression management specialist. I have used the slow motion train wreck analogy and it was painful to see it coming way down the line, to try to clear the tracks only to realize my guidance was not welcome. So I just had to stand there and watch. The situation I’m referring to involved a young man in our congregation about half the age of the dominant, deceptive one who I could see had taken him under her wing to groom him. Once when I was trying to explain how she was manipulating him as the one appointed over certain responsibilities, so that she was effectively controlling the outcome, and how this continued to make things worse for her and I, and how profoundly lacking in humility she was already, he interrupted me and said ” she is the Most Spiritual One.” Game, set, and match over. Lifetime highly promiscuous, double life leading, serial fornicator/most spiritual one trumps Decades of actually exemplary conduct. Go figure. So sadly I had to watch over the next year or two him being added to the not so elite group of men who engaged in some sort of behaviors that according to our beliefs and teachings are destructive and damaging to marriage.
Another thought on what you said about it not seeming to be much of an incident – I think it’s these small interactions that we can learn so much from. Even watching the videos of people like Ariel Castro and Jodi Arias can help us see just how normal these ones can seem, how pleasant, soft, humble, and downright likable they can present as. They say the Devil’s in the details, right ?
Hi 4Light2shine-
I think the seemingly small and insignificant interactions do tell us so much, just like you say. When we can recognize these moments and start to put the puzzle pieces together it becomes very healing. I agree that it is sometimes impossible to warn others of a spaths charms and alluring personality, but I try to live and lead by example of what I believe to be an honest and good life. Eventually their mask will slip, and others will see what they want. and yes, the details, indeed.
🙂
Quinn
Quinn I can so absolutely relate…..
Thanks Imara, it’s nice when others understand something so difficult to explain 🙂
Unfortunately I know all too well what you are writing about in this post. I used to tell myself that these little acts of kindness or concern for others proved my ex-husband was a good man. He cared, he was kind and considerate. I later came to realize it was his way of making himself look good, of trying to appear in a way that he thought would benefit him. He still does it today. He calls my son’s school almost daily to check in, shows up for visits at the school, insists on going to dr’s appointments when he had no interest in such when we were married. He tries to play the victim, a wounded dad who’s evil, manipulative, lying ex-wife is taking his son away. This from a man who prior to divorce wanted nothing to do with his son! He even talked of disappearing so he wouldn’t have to support a child! Now, he is on a mission to be dad of the year, but only in name and for appearances sake. With regard to being a real parent, instilling moral values, ethics, responsibility, good behavioral skills into his son, he is absent. When financial support is needed, absent again! Yet, he loves to make me out to be the bad parent, the one who is keeping him from his child! Fortunately, my son’s teachers and admins are seeing through his facade. He creeps them out and they ask me what is wrong with him. I guess I shouldn’t care so much what others think about me, but I always have. I like to be responsible, honest, to be a person who lives up to their word and lives by a moral and ethical code. I want to be a contributing member of society and I care about my reputation. He knows this, and throughout our marriage and after has tried to use what he considers a weakness against me. He wants me to look bad to friends, family, and my peers. He threatens to ruin my reputation. Thankfully my family and my true friends know what he is, and support me. I cannot imagine not having this support, and my heart goes out to you for dealing with your spath without it.
I always say my xspath is going for father of the year, it’s such a blatant campaign of insincerity. I think we all care about what others think of us, and to some degree it gives us an internal system of checks and balances, we just can’t let those opinions change what we do or think.
I had one wonderful friend and my dad and one brother who supported me. But i also had my children. They found their voices and stood up for me with family members, and they became my little heroes at times. I’ll never forget that.
Thank you for your kind words and thoughtful comments, and thank you for sharing 🙂
Quinn
Bravo Quinn!
I can “see” my husband in that description of your husband opening the door like the perfect gentleman,for the pregnant lady!Oooh yea! He was the perfect gentleman to every woman but me!Sooo Chaaaming!
Hi Quinn…
I always enjoy reading what you’ve written. These guys (our x-spaths) are so incredibly good at playing their game. I have so much to share, but let me add the following…
When I was together with my x spath, I found out he was on dating sites. When I questioned him on this, his response was, “I’m just curious”. Well, his just curious was another relationship while we were still living together. And this I didn’t actually find out until about a year apart from him.
On a fluke, I found out who she was a FB”.it was purely a guess, but I saw photos of the two of them. I sent her a message simply warning her of who he was, then blocked her because I figure she’d think I was some scorned ex-lover. Well,..turns out a few days later I got a call from a friend of hers”they found out where I worked and called me there. They wanted to know more details about the last time I saw him and things that happened between us. And the reason she was so curious is, it turns out he went on a dating site while she was with him, too! After she caught him the first time, he said he would never do it again. She caught him again a few months later and posed as someone else”.well, he took the bait. She was devastated, but took him back. And even after my “warning” to her about what he’s like and all the lies, deceit and manipulation, she is still with him. They know how to play the game, and they play it well.
I did what I could”.the rest is up to her! He’s masterful, that’s all I can say”and she obviously bought it all.
carolann
Reply
blossom4th-
It’s amazing, isn’t it? They are so transparent to people who know better, but know just what to do to be admired by strangers!
Quinn,
Yes,it is this admiration that they need,they want.I used to think my husband suffered with low self esteem.He even claimed to feel that way.Yet,he craves a God-like devotion and superiority over all others!!! I guess that’s why he had to control me…one time calling my friend 17 times when she took me out to run a couple of errands!!!
Quinn, as I read your story, I found myself hoping that your children recover from the effects of the sociopath, with increased time and distance. Children are so sensitive. They absorb and act out any dysfunctions in their family. My stepfather was sociopathic and my mother narcissistic. My sister was the “identified patient” in the family, constantly depressed and withdrawn, running away, and eventually being hospitalized in her early 20’s. I think if both of us had had a parent like you who had the courage to walk out of the toxic relationship and took us for counseling, we both would have fared better through the years. Instead, we were on our own trying to find our way out of the suffering of our early years.
I have never been married to a sociopath myself, and the only known one I ever dated was for 3 months. But recent events in the past year have made me realize how much PTSD you can get from a toxic relationship (even with a normal person) and dealing with all the fallout from it, including having to distance yourself from the mutual friends and decide where the boundaries will be. As painful as it’s been for me after such a short time, I honestly cannot imagine what you are going through with the father of your children still being in your lives – ugh.
All I can say about this is that it is possible fill your life with more and more positive experiences to where you will be able to handle the bad stuff more and more gracefully and let go of it more quickly. I once heard a wise person say that for a depressed person, even a happy event like winning the lotto will cause unhappiness. But for a happy person, it’s easy to bounce back from painful events. The goal for all of us it to be happy. So the grieving, limit setting, and all the hard work we do in recovery is in the service of our eventual peace and happiness.
Best wishes to all of you, and thanks for sharing your story.
Hi stargazer,
Thank you so much for your comments and your support. I agree that a positive mind can get through the darkest times. I think the saving grace for my son has been to acknowledge his depression and teach him about it so that it is not a disability, it’s just another part of him, a wonderful, loving, bright boy. he has been an advocate for himself and in speaking to other children who have anxiety and sadness. I’ve had many parents call me asking for names of councilors for their children. I hope he will be able to continue to be a positive influence, but I know how hard it is to manage this illness, too.
As you wrote, boundaries are very important. My children are struggling with boundaries with their dad, but they know they are in charge of their lives, not him, and they know they are safe when they are home. Many people criticized me for telling my children too much and being too honest with them about the separation, divorce, etc.
I have still never bad-mouthed their father out of anger or hurt, but i have explained his behaviors- I think it has given them tremendous strength to understand the truth, even though it is very painful to have a parent like this (as you and I both know). They will grieve the father that he can never be, I’m sure.
Quinn
Quinn, your son’s depression at such a tender age, with the love and support of a mother like you, can be transformed into something remarkable.
I once dated a young man for a very short time who was in his 20’s. I was a bit older at the time, and could never have imagined being drawn to someone that age. When he shared his story with me, I was so impressed with his maturity. He had grown up being physically and psychologically abused by his father. After going through a period of suicidal depression, he began facing his demons. His parents, both narcissists, much like my parents, had taken what little money he had and ruined his credit before he even became an adult. His way of overcoming was through education. When I met him, he was getting a PhD in Anthropology and looking forward to law school (the PhD was to “fall back on”). He was also a bone marrow donor to an anonymous recipient. At 24 years old, he was a remarkable person and a real man. He was self-directed and a very caring person. Your son can become remarkable, too, for overcoming what he’s been through. It may manifest in a different way. Anyone who’s seen the dark side of life has great potential to awaken to their true nature and true purpose. If it can happen at a young age, so much the better.
Thank you stargazer
I agree that knowing and understanding depression and abuse can allow us to be very empathetic to others, and I hope that my sons can use their experiences to strengthen themselves as the man you met did in his life. I try to show them that my stories are helpful because they are honest and people who have experienced what we have sometimes need to share their voices, it’s not shameful or embarrassing, it’s empowering and healing. We had enough shame in our home for too long, time to embrace who we are”at least, that’s the goal 🙂
Thanks for your kind words and for sharing your experiences with us.
Quinn
I can sooo relate. My X lost his standing as a minister after I left him. But still managed to become employed at the church I had placed my membership at. With the senior minister taking him under his wing as someone who had been mightily wronged by me and the middle judicatory of our denomination (through me).
All the divorce documents go on and on about how emotionally unstable I was. And that is was my poor decisions that led to my ex being fired, etc. I was left feeling that the courts believed I had to have been unstable to have left such a wonderful, professional, upstanding guy. A minister who claimed to currently be smoking pot to his parishioners. A man who also admitted proudly to cheating on me in the court room. I think in his mind it proved he was still attractive and desirable and I was not.
I pray for your children and mine as well. They continue to struggle often more than we realize. I think all children want their parents to get back together, long after the divorce is final. And with a sociopath they inevitably are being used as pawns in ways that are confusing to adults much less kids.
Even last night my kids had a major meltdown over doing the dishes that had two of my children calling their dad in middle of the situation. Any time the get upset with me they call him and inevitably the situation then escalates. And I cannot get them to see that if they are upset with me they need to communicate directly to me, not a third party. He has the kids convinced that he is playing referee and that I do not know how to parent them. Whatever he is telling them, they are usually more defiant when they hang up, telling me they “hate me”, I have “ruined their life” and they “want to move back with their dad”, etc. From my perspective it would be much easier to be a good parent if he butted out. I have told him as much, but it has not changed anything. I may not be an A+ mom, but I do not believe I am a horrible one.
Hi revjanice, I’m so sorry for your experience. Thank you for sharing and for the supportive comments.
Playing victim is one of the spaths greatest roles, I think. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be when the children call him to intervene. You are absolutely right that they must communicate with you and especially not him at those times.
I will say that I am ‘fortunate’ that my children do not trust their father. They are conflicted about their relationship with him, but they will not reach out to him unless it is for a planned event or a clarifying question. My xspath tried to use them as a way to communicate with me, but I ended that route of manipulation. They are growing and getting stronger. Counciling helps tremendously. Tears and prayers seem to be a constant around here, too 🙂
Quinn
In reading back, I realize my last post on here really didn’t seem to “fit” in response to the story written, except to clarify by saying these spaths really do know how to become whomever they want. That is what I was trying to get across in my writing…how, even after warning someone about him, he was able to turn on the charm and win her over.
Quinn…you made a great statement in saying…”He may not be capable of feeling certain emotions, but he is acutely aware of what behaviors represent these emotions”. So spot on.
Keep sharing….
carolann
Hi carolann,
of course your comments fit, I’m so touched when readers share their experiences after reading my articles. It means they can relate and we validate something in each other. Whatever my words made you think about is fitting in whatever way it helps you heal.
I think you showed how effective the chameleon can be, and how easily they can manipulate the emotions and loyalty of others- even when the truth is in plain site. I no longer try to convince people, argue with family, or worry about the next victim, I’m just making sure my children aren’t victims any longer. And I’m sharing my story so others can hopefully heal along with me :0)
Thank you for posting your comments, it means a lot to me-
Quinn
Quinn, how old were your children when you started to explain things to them? I have a 4 yr old and he idolizes his spath father. I have primary custody and he gets access twice a week. Since we’ve cut access back to just those two times/wk, my son seems to be way less swayed by my ex’s behaviour and influence. He is a smart little man and I have never said anything to him regarding why I am not with his father anymore, and I have never said anything negative to him about his Dad. I’m not really sure when to go there.
I do let him know that lying is not acceptable, that cops are good (even though I know that’s not necessarily true but I don’t want him thinking the cops are ‘bad guys’ like my ex tells him) and that people should always do what they say they’re going to do, unless they have a good reason not to (this is for those many times that the ex doesn’t show up on time or at all). I point out how much it hurts people when other’s don’t keep their word. I’m not sure he’s making the connections but as he gets older, I’m sure he will start to ‘see’ all these little lessons being ignored by his father.
Any thoughts?
Hey there SS-
My boys were 10 and 11 when the separation started. They were in counciling for years before that, so i started with the premise that we all work very hard in our house to be healthy and not hurtful to others, and when their dad refused counciling and refused to stop his hurtful behavior, they understood my decision.
I think what you are doing is perfect, instilling what is ok, and what is not ok. I never said anything negative about their dad, especially during the separation and divorce proceedings. I think it’s good to trust your instinct, and to ask your councilor’s advice on what your child’s able to process at this point.
I have primary placement, joint custody, but my children are actually old enough now to decide if they want to go to their dad’s or not. they would prefer not to go at all, but they usually go so they don’t have to deal with the draining fall out.
I will tell you to watch for signs of stress, I saw things change, literally, over night, the day their dad moved out. I try not to have guilt about the stress I kept them in by staying as long as I did, but I know that I thought I was doing what was best for them.
The biggest thing, I think, is to be that constant source of honesty and trust for your son and to lead by example. It’s a constant learning experience. Even now, although they know the score, so to speak, I’m careful not to relay too much information that they can’t process simply because they don’t have a frame of reference in their young lives and emotional development.
Lastly, for the first couple of years, when my boys returned home from a visit with their dad, they would ‘melt-down’ and it would take a day to get back to normal. I realized that they were holding in all their emotions when they were there and the anxiety of his unpredictability and mood swings, his disappointments, and his all-things-spath were just building inside until they returned to where they felt safe and could unleash on someone who loved them unconditionally (me). I had to help them to not displace their anger and sadness onto me, but I also made sure i was well rested for their return 🙂
thanks for reading my article and rambling reply-
Quinn
Thanks so much for the response, Quinn! Very helpful!
I was seeing a therapist for a while when I first discovered what the ex was but then he said I was handling things great and he didn’t think I needed to see him any more. My little guy hasn’t seen anyone…yet. I think he’s still too little. I did have a social worker come to my house a month or two ago to investigate my ex when he just dumped my son outside and left without making sure I was home or that he could get into the house. She came out to talk to my son and couldn’t get a straight answer out of him besides him confirming what I had told her..LOL He is still in the ‘I’m Thor’ or ‘I’m Batman’ stage and everything is made up. haha! I will definitely take him to see someone if I notice big changes in him or his attitude as he gets older. I can’t wait until he starts to ‘see through’ that monster. Right now it’s his daddy and he can’t do any wrong…ugh!
Quinn,
You really did a great job elucidating that simple act of opening the door, and how it fits with his being disordered. Also, that because of this it makes it very difficult to highlight to other’s what, exactly, is ‘wrong’ with these types. And why we feel so horrible in the aftermath.
Psychological abuse is very underrated in the current cultural climate.
Not to roll in ‘it’ too much, but for anyone reading this, who might be scratching their heads trying to figure out what is happening in their relationship, I will share the following example:
I dated one disordered manboy who, after he came home from traveling for his work (where he was also, unbeknownst to me, having sex with strangers)found out I had gone down the street to a salsa lesson. I had the lesson, danced a few dances, and came home. It was fun. I had been dancing for years, and wanted to learn something new.
He asked me all kinds of questions about my experience, and acted very excited about my having done something new. I didn’t think much of it.
I suggested we learn together. We went out once and tried it on our own, but I told him it was clear we needed some instruction.
Within a week he informed me he was dancing with a woman who was looking for a permanent partner to competition dance with, and that he was seriously considering it.
I was, to say the least, confused, hurt, baffled really.
What I understand now is that he was driven first by envy, and had to mask it by appearing excited about my independence, and about going out solo.
Second, when we tried it on our own, and I said we needed instruction he was driven by rage- from a wound to his profound narcissism. So, he retaliated by excluding me from the activity entirely.
When I attempted to discuss with him that I couldn’t understand why he would choose NOT to do this with me he just talked around in little circles, never really making much sense. Eventually getting around, slyly, to insinuating I wasn’t talented enough.
Of course he didn’t follow through. Danced with the woman (I THINK?!) several times, and then just never brought it up. It was all an act of retaliation. At her and my expense.
When trying to explain this to someone who doesn’t comprehend personality disorders that want to know what the motivation is. They generally feel that our ‘interpretations’ of what happened just don’t ‘add up’.
Why? Because it doesn’t. In Disordered World 2+2= something NOT 4. And people have a very hard time with this screwy math.
I read a phrase the other day that said ‘It is good when we find the place where we don’t look back in anger, or forward in fear. Instead, we look around with awareness’.
Well, we are the one’s around this subject that are learning to look around in awareness. I know for me when anger, fear, despair, and hopelessness were my constant companions I finally woke the heck up.
I am glad you are here writing and healing Quinn. I look forward to your next post.
Slim
I was in the emergency room.I had a breakdown from being terrorized (gaslighted)and felt the only way out was to end my life. He was trying to set me up.(my husband)I was trying to tell the ER Dr. about what was going on…he thought I was just crazy, I am sure. His response was “Why would he want you dead or in prison?What would he GET out of it?” People just don’t get it. What he would have gotten would have gotten would have been ME dead or in prison. He would have “won”. He wanted me totally discredited.I had found out his secret life.I made the mistake of telling people and trying to prove it. When what I should have done was just left.RUn far far away. I didn’t until it was too late. These people are like Salmon somehow knowing to swim upstream . They don’t know each other but they somehow all have the same bizarre behavior patterns.He is an evil to the core man. But so many people think he is just a harmless screw up…happy go lucky. The part about your ex opening the door sent chills thru me. My ex was always very solicitous of my elderly aunt. Helping her to get out of the car, opening doors…quite different from the man who threatened to “pay her a visit” if I didn’t stop telling things about him….