by Quinn Pierce
Today, after a trip to the psychologist with my children, I watched my ex-husband run to open the door for a very pregnant woman who looked extremely tired in the day’s intense heat. She immediately broke out into a grateful smile, her whole body relaxed, and I could see the combination of the cool air conditioning and the sweet gesture of this gentleman turned her whole day around.
But for me, it was like watching a car accident in slow motion. I was all at once sick and mesmerized by what I saw. I know it doesn’t sound like much of an incident to cause such a reaction, but it was so typical, and predictable, and”¦calculated. And that’s when I realized why it was so difficult to try to explain to other people what it was, exactly, that was so ”˜terrible’ about this man.
The Chameleon
He always portrays himself as the perfect (whatever the situation calls for). He can read people, anticipate what they need. He is the perfect chameleon at any social gathering. He could be at a dinner party one day praising new government reform, for example, and then stand on the sideline of a soccer game complaining about the very same policies- and with conviction each time.
I still don’t think, to this day, that he has ever had his own opinions about anything. He doesn’t need them; he only needs to know how to blend in, fit in, and be well liked by others. Even if he doesn’t like the people he’s joining arms with, it doesn’t matter, as long as he can paint himself likeable in their eyes.
Playing His Game
I used to watch him flip his alliances from person to person and think it was because he was insecure. It annoyed me, but to be honest, I learned how to use it to my advantage. I could get him to agree to things in front of other people that I knew he would refuse if it were just me asking him.
For example, he was against our child taking medication to treat depression, so I brought it up at a dinner party where there were doctors that I knew approved of treating children with medication. By the end of dinner, he was encouraging me to make an appointment. I didn’t care if he thought it was his idea, as long as my child could get treatment. In a sense, I was playing his game, but to my advantage…so I thought.
The Set-Up
I didn’t realize how well planned this strategy was until we separated. All of a sudden, I found myself trying to explain a reality that only I saw. Friends, family, acquaintances, they all saw the persona he had presented over the years. I, on the other hand, was a very private person, and I learned quickly that being private was not a trait that would serve me well in the eyes of onlookers. What’s worse, not only was he cultivating his identity, but he was slowly planting seeds of my proposed ”˜instability’ and ”˜mental illness’.
He constantly told me I was crazy when we argued; apparently, he was describing me as being mentally unstable to family and friends, as well. I actually received several phone calls from ”˜concerned’ family members asking me what medication I was taking and who my councilor was, because they thought they should call her and check in to tell her about my actions. I was stunned. My husband knew I was finally strong enough to leave him, and this was his way of turning my life upside down and taking away my credibility in the public eye.
Feeling Isolated
I had very little support from family or friends when I went forward with my divorce. That was a totally separate grief process for me. I felt as though I had been stripped of my identity. My family actually helped him move, found him an apartment, and continued to interact with him on a friendly level. I was chastised for getting upset- after all, I was the one who kicked him out and ruined his life. It was nearly too much for me to bear at times.
It has taken me years to figure out how he was able to present himself as a compassionate, empathetic person, a caring and loving father, and a respectable member of society. I certainly believed he was all of these things for much of our marriage. But I eventually could see through this façade, why couldn’t anyone else?
Playing The Part of The Perfect”¦
I think the answer is quite simple, actually. He may not be capable of feeling certain emotions, but he is acutely aware of what behaviors represent these emotions. He knows exactly what society deems respectable, kind, considerate, etc. He understands what characteristics make a man seem like a great father. He can play the role without meaning any of it.
That is why he will show up at every doctor’s visit for the children, every school conference, every sporting event. For him, it’s essential. Plus, he enjoys it; he loves the attention. In reality, I could probably write down every significant statement he’s ever made at all these appointments combined on one sticky note.
In other words, he’s just there for show. But not only that, he wants to make sure I am not defaming him in any way. He often accuses me of embarrassing him, setting him up, or manipulating him when I say something that contradicts him. He’s found it much easier to not say anything at all these days.
Today’s appointment was no exception. We did a complete overhaul of my child’s medication after years of trying different things with adverse effects. My son cried, my other child hugged him and sat next to him the whole time. I was asking desperate questions and trying to make sense of the options versus the side effects. The only input my ex-husband had during the entire appointment was small talk about chewing gum.
A New Reality
And so, when we left the appointment, and he ran to open the door with his fake sincerity, it made my skin crawl. But when one of my children turned to give me a raised eyebrow and a smirk, I realized it didn’t matter what the outside world thought about my ex-husband or me.
My children are also able to see him for what he is. My decision to divorce this man is giving my children an opportunity to grow and strengthen in a healthy environment. I don’t need to ”˜prove’ his real character to anyone. I only need to continue being myself: a woman who is getting stronger by the day, and a mother who is helping her children do the same.
kaya48, I admire your attitude that the material things are less important than your peace of mind. I have watched so many people (not just here, but also friends of mine) prolong relationships with sociopaths because of money they are owed, a house, a car, etc….they are waiting for spaths to sign off on titles, bring back personal possessions, etc. They are constantly trying to figure out how to outspath the spath or stay one step ahead. For the people I’ve observed, in EVERY case, prolonging the relationship caused worsening stress and stress-related health issues. I’m not saying you shouldn’t do it. It can also be empowering if you win. I’m just saying there is a price. IMO, every interaction with a sociopath is a fight for your life. It’s like drinking poison. You can live without some material things. But you can’t live with poison accumulating in your system. It will eventually kill you. If you are lucky enough to get the car, the house, or whatever the possessions are, that’s a victory. But afterward, you will still have to detox. There were times in my life when I had to deal with some very toxic people in order to get ahead financially. Same deal. I became financially empowered, but there was a price.
I recall one person I spoke with on the phone whose ex husband was a very nasty spath. She was embroiled in a long, drawn-out situation with him, waiting for him to sign off on a house. It took years, in which time she suffered many health issues. There was so much stress in her voice that I became physically ill just talking on the phone with her. It hit me in the stomach, which is where toxic people usually affect me. I don’t know if she even realized how the stress was affecting her. Once you have a little taste of peace, you start to realize the price is too high to go back.
Just something to think about when you’re trying to decide whether to fight or cut your losses. Granted, there is also a lot of stress in poverty. But if you can let go of the anger over what you’ve lost, personally, my preference would always be to rebuild from the ashes than to prolong a relationship with a spath to try and get back what he or she took from you. Look at Tina Turner. She gave Ike everything and walked away only with her name.
Stargazer,
I’m really impressed with your posts lately! You do have alot of helpful advice to share! 🙂 You are so right;inner peace and health is more important than material things!
I was just wondering about something though,and I don’t have anyone I can ask about it during the weekend.I hadn’t really thought about the fact that I’m still responsible for debt incurred while my husband and I were still together.I CAN’T HARDLY AFFORD TO GET THROUGH THE MONTH,MUCH LESS PAY HALF HIS DEBTS OFF!And it feels like I’m still being punished;abused if I’m held responsible for that debt.Many of our arguments were over the fact that he wouldn’t pay bills in full,just so he could have money in his wallet(while I had none in mine;not even coins!)I finally told him I would be responsible for the rent;he had to pay electric and cable.Still he wasn’t paying bills in full or on time.But atleast I felt a measure of safety in that we had shelter.But with his rages,I worried about eviction(and that did happen after I left him).
I want this divorce,but he’ll be getting away with having his bills paid in half unless there is some way I can get help.
Blossom, if the two of you were married when the debt was incurred, I don’t know if you can get out of it. You may be legally responsible. It is totally unfair, but it is your tuition in the school of hard knocks. I would call the creditors and see if they will work with you. If not, you can try a consumer credit agency or worst case scenario, file bankruptcy. It totally sucks, but you may have to just absorb the loss and move on. It helps to look at the situation from a different angle to do this. For example, you could tell yourself that you accept responsibility for getting into the situation and for letting it go on so long. By accepting responsibility, you are not letting him off the hook. You are just moving on without wasting your energy on the anger and injustice. Holding onto anger and injustice is what I see as the biggest impediment to healing for many people. If you can get past this, you are well on your way.
blossom4th,
It’s worth asking the lawyer about separating some of the items of debt. My ex and I split all household debt and things that were used together, but when he moved out, he racked up about $12,000 in credit cards to buy furniture and things for himself. My lawyer had it written in to the divorce decree that he was responsible for those bills, and I gave him the copies of the credit card statements. I had certain things that belonged to me specifically and I agreed to pay those things, but it was a fraction of the overall amount. I live in a community property state, so everything obtained during marriage is considered owned by both parties, including debt, but this was able to be separated item by item. As stargazer said, if you can’t, you have to find a way to find peace with it and consider much of this a price worth paying to get healthy and safe, but don’t be afraid to ask any questions you have, you never know.
Quinn
Great advice. I don’t know anything about legal stuff.
I don’t either, but my lawyer taught me that I had nothing to lose by asking, more to lose by not asking. He was right, I’ll always be grateful for that advice, it’s true far beyond the courtroom.
I think we were all married to the same guy! I also live in a community property state, and have been saddled with half of my ex’s debt–about 3/4 of which I didn’t know about until the divorce. I also had some debt of my own. As with Blossom, my husband was irresponsible while we were married, and I often had to buy things for my children that he never “budgeted” for. (But he’d buy them a guitar, or some video game, so he could look like a big shot!) Anyway, Quinn is right. You need to do your best for yourself and your children. I wasn’t able to get out scot-free, but my attorney did get me a better deal than if I wouldn’t have put up any fight. Of course, now he is taking me to court to have his support reduced, because I reported him for embezzlement. (See above.)
This is all so predictable, in hind sight–I wish I would have seen a blog like this about 30 years ago!
Best to all!
I totally agree that we are, or were, married to the same guy. I don’t live in a community property state but almost the same equitable distribution state. Now, I am lucky that this state is still awarding spousal support or alimony in long term marriages. My attorney told me that I should treat the divorce as a business deal with a bad partner. For me it is all about money now. I am trying my best to put all emotions aside for this divorce and get the highest amount of spousal support out of it. Of course my evil spouse is already withholding funds. My advise is to hire a zealous attorney. I was impressed with my attorney how he put my husband into his place at the court hearing for the injunction. I told my attorney this was one of the best days in my life. Finally someone who my husband could not fool or devalue. During that court hearing I knew I found the divorce attorney who will fight for my rights
I will keep posting how my husband will try to destroy during this divorce. He can definetely try but I already won this case by filing from divorce.
I don’t know if there is any revenge for a sociopath? In my mind the greatest revenge and defeating them is ignoring them totally. Like they don’t even exist. I know that’s impossible to do when you have to share custody of minor children. I truly enjoy now cutting of all contact and pretend they do not exist.
It’s stunning, isn’t it, how they all act the same? I think we could compile a handbook of ‘this is what your spath spouse will do in this situation’ – it is always the same, lie, manipulate, berate, intimidate, smooth their own persona.
I think revenge is absolutely disengaging from the sociopath and setting boundaries if you must interact. Keep everything documented and keep interactions business-like and limited. During the divorce, absolutely no discussion or negotiation without a lawyer present.
Today, I will not have any face-to-face interaction with my ex, because I don’t want him to read my body language or try to intimidate me. He tries to bait me into interacting with him, even using the guise of wanting to talk about the children, I’ve learned there is nothing that he needs to tell me in person that he cannot email me about. he just doesn’t want to put it on paper for me to refer to later when he changes his story, and he can’t try to corner me or put me on the spot when communicating through email.
Quinn
Kaya, you are SO lucky to have an attorney that gets your spath! I spent months and months trying to educate my attorney. She came from a point of view (which I wish I would have realized earlier) of being fair and respectful of all parties. In a “normal” divorce this would be great. But with a sociopath you know he took that as weakness. Thank goodness she was extremely smart–she was the #1 Divorce attorney in my state 2 years in a row. Eventually things worked out as well as they possibly could–meaning, I am in a pretty bad position, but could be in a much worse position. I did get spousal support, but because of my ex’s crimes, it is not likely I’ll actually end up getting much–at some point he may lose more clients. (Though, come to think of it, I have told so many people and nothing seems to come of it. He is still playing tennis at the club I believe he stole from!)
As for revenge, I’m not sure. To a certain extent I am getting revenge because I was lucky enough to discover my ex’s criminal activities and tax fraud. But, as I said, despite that he seems to be going along with his life, playing tennis, working the score board at my son’s school, etc. I think he would probably be thankful if I just ignored him! I am sure he will move on to a more naive victim at some point in the future, if he doesn’t get incarcerated for any of his crimes.
It is amazing how much damage these guys can do. They are like machines that destroy everything in their path, and just keep going. Well, I will do what I can to throw a monkey wrench into the machine! 🙂
I will pay something each month if necessary towards these bills,but first,I will consult with my attorney,as well as do alot of praying!I personally am not in debt,it’s just that once bills are paid,groceries bought(I only get $31 in food stamps,so I use mostly cash)and wash laundry,funds are exhausted!No money for fun or shopping trips!Because I chose to go see my family who I hadn’t seen in 7 yrs(thanks to spath),when I got home,I had nothing left except the food stamps(and that was slim pickins for 3 wks!)But I agree that my health and peace are the most important things!And I appreciate the important reminders about remaining NC even during the divorce.Thankfully my children are grown!
Well,Legal Aid called me early today.I now have my appt with them.I imagine I will do my own paperwork,but they will be there for consulting.
I’ve also gotten back in contact with my counselor.Oh that felt good!I felt like I was rambling,as I was feeling emotional-oh well!
Good for you blossom4th- let all the healing begin 🙂
Quinn
I think my lawyer was a sociopath as well or incredibly inept. I have had three other lawyers, and several friends, tell me I need to report him to our states supreme court for unethical behavior. And the list is a mile long of what he either did that was outright unethical, paper work that was misfiled or simply never filed but I was charged for etc. In order to keep him I had to keep asking people for more money.
After a pretrial hearing, while I was in the courthouse, I was told by my lawyer that once I moved into an apartment I would get the kids 51% of the time. He told me that he, my ex’s lawyer, the guardian ad litum and the magistrate had agreed on this. A letter stating as much was mailed to a religious body who were helping pay the deposit. My lawyer never filed the motion. Several months later when I asked to see it, because he kept insisting he had filed it even though it never showed up on the online docket. It took him a couple of days to find the document and when I was given a copy it had not court stamp on it like all the other documents I had been given. A few weeks later I received an email from my ex stating,the whole thing was “a legal fiction created so I could get housing.” A chilling but accurate interpretation of what had transpired.
When a 90+ year old cousin of my grandma gave me a huge chunk of money to help pay my legal bills, my lawyer kept asking me to go back to her again. And for every bill since then her name has been on the bill for paying that sum. (When I did actually ask her again, she shot me a letter that was very anti-lawyers to say the least. I love how forthright some older folks can be). Even though other friends and family gave money that was also paid directly to my lawyer their names are not on the bills.
My lawyer demanded another $1000 with less than 24 hours before the final hearing or he said he wouldn’t represent me. Even though at that time I was in the black by more than $300. Then the night of the final hearing he tried to get me to sign a letter that was not on letter head, had no amount of money owed, or an end date of payment saying I would pay him $250 a month. I guess I was to pay him this amount until I died. I still have the letter. My lawyer had drug the final hearing into a second day by subpeoning 13 witnesses for me (over my protests that the list I had given him was ideas and I had not intended for him to subpeona them all). The long parade of witness obviously angered the magistrate. I had no choice but to sign a revised version of this letter so he would represent me the second day. And my lawyer had never talked to most of these witnesses, so there testimony was useless, because he had no idea why they were even there.
At the trial where I ended up getting custody he did nothing in my favor, even walking out of the court room after the magistrates opening statement saying he had to go to a trial in another building. He only came back about two hours later when the magistrate tracked him down and apparently reemed him for his behavior!
If my husband had not ended up homeless and by a miracle I had custody returned my lawyer would have left me without custody of my kids, owing my ex for his half of my car, virtually no property from the house, and having paid the entire back taxes from 2007 that I had not known we had not paid until after i left. It was paid by my tax returns over the next two years. I didn’t even get any clothes from the house until 4 months after I left and no other personal effects until 10 months after I left. I still have virtually no photos of the kids, my clergy robes and other important stuff and know I never will even though the divorce decree states I was to get these things. My ex also kept my old journals and stuff, which is very creepy and I wish I had never kept them.
My lawyer filed three times to get off the case, because by the end I owed him a lot of money. He filed twice even after the magistrate said he was not allowed off the case. When a new magistrate took over at one point he was released, until about a month later the new person caught the mistake he had made and my lawyer was reinstated.
He misfiled the final divorce document in October 2012 and when the judge had not signed it more than three months later I called the domestic violence shelter where I had stayed for advice. My legal advocate contacted the court and I then found out it had not been filed properly and contacted my lawyer to please refile it. 5 days after it was refiled it was signed. This despite the fact that I asked to see the document prior to him filing it. I pointed out glaring mistakes, and my lawyer emailed me a corrected version. I still have both versions with dates from the emails attached. Big surprise my lawyer filed the original version with the glaring mistakes.
Even though in Sept 2012 my ex filed court documents claiming to be earning 150% more than child support was set at I am still trying on my own to get the child support payments amended to reflect this fact. Even though my lawyer was in place still until February 2013, he refused to help me with this. My ex did not have to pay any child support until the divorce was finalized in February 2013 with no back payments at all, and I have had custody of the kids since April 2012. I was finally brave enough to file a document in court to amend child support in August, but so far the magistrate has done nothing with what I filed. I am guessing I filed something wrong and the ladies at the court house say they cannot help me know what it is.
And what i have listed is just the tip of the iceberg.
Starting the summer of 2011 I tried to get another lawyer. I must have made 200 phone calls to different places over the next 2 1/2 years. I could not get one: the case was too far along, too complicate, I lived in the wrong county, the case was in the wrong county, they did not handle divorce,domestic violence, civil cases. They could not take my case while I had an attorney of record. They did not take pro bono cases, they had already done their pro bono cases for the year. Legal aid said they couldn’t help me, because the case started with them and once I got a job I did not qualify anymore (this despite the fact that the kids and I qualify for a small amount of food stamps and medicaid, even with the current child support). I even got they were going out of business. The few people willing to take the case wanted like $10,000 up front and I do not have that kind of money. So I was stuck with my lawyer. I feel like my husband abused me and so did the whole legal system after I was finally brave enough to leave, but in the end I have custody of my kids!
I pulled all the paper work together to do turn my lawyer in months ago, but have not gotten up the nerve to mail it in. I have religiously been paying him $250 every month. He has been paid around $20,000 and I still owe almost $6000. Aside from my divorce I have never had to deal with the legal system and it was a horrible experience, so I am scared to start another case. I have also always looked down slightly on those who sue others as being petty, etc., but i know I need to do this to be able to move on myself and to protect others from this boob.
OMG, revjanice–I feel for you. The lawyers make it even more difficult! Your attorney does sound unethical. I hope you get some satisfaction. More often the spath’s attorney is unethical–they have the uncanny ability to find someone just like them! It was certainly the case in my divorce. This is just another of the many things thrown at you when you try to extricate yourself from an spath. Ugh.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Trust me my ex’s lawyer was a scoundrel and the guardian ad litum was tight with him and obviously hated my lawyer. My friends who were witnesses left saying things like they felt like they had been violated, that they had never had there credentials challenged like they had here. For example one friend who happened to be a chaplain in the same health system as me, not the same hospital, was quized up and down about me being fired (I had quit after I left and found a full time job. I was not fired. I just had to have a full time job once I left my ex in order to afford housing,etc). She was asked about my performance which she couldn’t comment on since we never worked together and she wasn’t my boss. And then they started in on her qualifications as a chaplain and how could she be one. She is Catholic and my ex’s lawyer thought that meant she couldn’t be a priest and therefore not a chaplain. I had put her on the witness list because she had seen me interact with my kids and she had witnessed one of my ex’s outbursts. It was a fluke we worked for the same health system, because I knew her through some schooling we had both received.
Every hearing I left feeling like I was a criminal, an unfit mother and totally crazy. Because that is how my Ex’s lawyer portrayed me and I feel like my lawyer did very little to refute. And my ex was never once challenged about his parenting skills, or job performance (even though he had been fired three times in our marriage). And I was told once i lost the protective order it was not permissible to bring up allegations of new abuse or child abuse in the courts.
revjanice,
I’m so sorry to hear what you’ve been through in order to get away from the sociopath;so unfair!!! It used to be that lawyers worked to see that justice is done.Nowadays,it’s more about MONEY.
My brother ran into the same kind of obstacles(seemingly inept lawyer;it was a different kind of case)It went on for atleast 3 yrs and he actually went through as many lawyers I think.
It’s terrible that the ‘justice system’ can make a person feel like a criminal…while the real criminals are swarming the streets and causing so much harm!
Photo albums mean so much;I never had time to keep journals-although I do have my mother’s and my own notes taken at religious conventions.Those things are so special!So I can imagine how you feel! Before returning my husband’s things that were stored here,I went through the photo albums,taking out any pictures I wanted for myself or that I wanted to give to the girls.