Hopefully, many of you read this blog because you want to know how a trained psychiatrist deals with the issues you also face. I am not glad to be eternally tied to a psychopath, but since I am, you and I share the same challenges. We can reflect on these challenges together and we will all be better and stronger.
This week I received an email from one of my ex-husband’s family members, so I will put off the planned discussion of psychopathic anxiety to address the issues raised by the email. The email points to the trivializing of the sociopath’s/psychopath’s behavior that family members often do. This week give some thought as to how you will deal with others who trivialize a sociopath’s/psychopath’s behavior or perhaps your own tendency to “excuse” what he/she does.
In case you missed this, my ex-husband is in prison and is a sex offender. Regarding the events which led to the prison sentence, one of his blood relatives just wrote me, “but I don’t agree with all of his choices and in all fairness I do understand your disgust with ________’s actions.”
I want to ask all of you to consider this question: Do sociopaths/psychopaths make choices? If they do what does it mean when we say we “disagree” with their choices? What is the difference between disagreeing with their choices vs. being “disgusted” by them?
Last night at La Salsa, my favorite restaurant I made a choice. I chose to have fish tacos and some chips. I chose the fish tacos because I really like them. If I didn’t like fish tacos I wouldn’t choose them. I have to also confess, that I ate a small amount of ice cream when I got home, even though I am counting calories. I also really like ice cream.
My food choices were indeed choices, but notice that you learn about me from my choices. In regards to the ice cream, you learn that my impulse control regarding food is only fair in that I ate the ice cream even though I am making an effort to reduce the amount of fat I eat. If you have met me, you know that I am not particularly overweight so you probably wouldn’t hold my ice cream consumption against me.
What we learn from my eating behavior is that all choices reflect the chooser and his/her circumstances. I ate the fish tacos because I went to La Salsa. I ate the ice cream because it was in my freezer. If I hadn’t gone to La Salsa or had ice cream in the freezer, I would have eaten differently.
That gets me to sociopaths/psychopaths. These individuals do not just make “choices.” They, with malice and forethought set up situations where they will be able to gratify their deviant impulses. My former husband sought me out so he would have access to victims in addition to me. The choices he made started with his looking for his next victim on the internet. That victim turned out to be me. This situation is analogous to my eating the ice cream last night, because although I am trying to eat healthier, I did buy the ice cream and put it in the freezer myself. I would have eaten 250 less calories last night if I didn’t buy the ice cream in the first place.
It is clear that a person’s pattern of choices reflects that person’s drives and impulse control. Most sociopaths/psychopaths have a clear pattern of “choices” that show clearly what and who they really are. During psychiatry residency I was taught that the best predictor of what a person will do in the future is what that person has done in the past. This is because the past is a reflection of who that person is.
If choices are a reflection of our person and our drives are we without choice in the end? The beauty of it is that we do have choices because as humans we have some capacity to set up our environments and to modify our drives. If it was really necessary for me to avoid ice cream, I simply would stop buying it in the first place. I can also work on liking fruit or some other healthier alternative. As a human I can change what I like, what I want and ultimately what I do.
On the other hand, if you really understand the connection between what a sociopath/psychopath chooses and what he/she IS you will move from disagreeing with the choices to being disgusted by the person. Merriam Webster’s online dictionary defines disgust as:
1. to provoke to loathing, repugnance, or aversion : be offensive to
2. to cause (one) to lose an interest or intention
Notice that seeing the connection between choices, behavior and the nature of a psychopath, provokes loathing, repugnance, aversion and loss of interest in the person. I have stated before that I believe the people who are “fascinated” by psychopaths do not understand them. Understanding psychopaths breeds contempt not fascination.
The other difference between disagreeing with what a psychopath does and being disgusted, is that disagreeing is an intellectual exercise, while disgust is an emotion. If you are disgusted by psychopaths, that emotion means you comprehend WHAT THEY ARE with your entire being.
Can sociopaths/psychopaths get help or ever make different choices?
The problem with psychopaths is that they are so grandiose that they never examine their own behavior, nor do they ever seek to modify their choices. The choices they make are a deep reflection of their pathology. That pathology includes a lack of desire to be anything other than what they are. But why don’t sociopaths/psychopaths desire to change? The answer is that they enjoy their choices too much. They also do not have insight enough to comprehend that their drives are deviant. They think everyone else is as they are, only weaker.
The other problem is that drives are triggered by the things that remind us of our pleasures. Since people trigger the sociopath’s/psychopath’s deviant drives for sex and power, in order to begin to be different they would have to stay away from other people. Since sociopaths/psychopaths don’t want to be alone, they can never take the steps required for change. They will therefore never be anything other than what they are- dangerous to everyone.
AlohaTraveler : “My healing is purely focused on me. I spend absolutely no time worrying about, pondering, being concerned for, the healing of the Bad Man. He likes himself just the way he is.”
You are correct in this – it is where I am trying to go. I think I am 50% of the way there… When I am able to fill my life with different memories and experiences, he will only be a name that has no meaning.
It took me seven years to get over my college boyfriend, and five to get over a man I loved in my thirties…
So if I am smarter and stronger now, maybe within a year – or less – he won’t matter at all…
It really IS about me and what I choose in my life – to think about, to act upon, to believe. I want to get to that place where I KNOW what healthy looks like/feels like/is on an ongoing basis.
I so want to choose this so that for the last 30 years of my life I can really look back and know I changed and be proud of it. No more victim, no more co-operation with a sociopath because I didn’t love myself enough…
Good for you LovingAnnie,
BTW, it took me three years to get over the one I call the Good Man. We dated for 5 years.
I thought it was because I truly loved but now I wonder about the wisdom of pinning away after someone is long gone. I realize now that I gave 8 years to the good man if I count all the time I couldn’t/wouldn’t get over it. I could have spent that time dating my ass off and maybe I would be married now… then again… maybe I wouldn’t. I will never know.
But I am conscious of time now.. my time on this plantet and whom I spend it on.
If someone is exploiting me, devaluing me, hurting me, then my time on them is wasted, isn’t it? Much better use of that time is to focus it on me. After all, the Bad Man doesn’t think of me anymore. And the Good Man, well, he’s married to someone else.
I still have my struggles and my scars and my wisdom.
Aloha…. E
I take a long time to grieve. Is this natural?
I mean some people say two months and there back and OK.
I have wondered abou this.
Please don’t measure yourself with anyone else’s yard stick. If you have anxiety and cannot sleep or function you should be evaluated for medication. Other than that having a life back is a big help. If you have ongoing legal or financial issues or issues with children it is very difficult to heal.
The sociopath made his choice to leave me and move to another state many miles away when I was pregnant. Now I am left with many choices because I am still pregnant. I feel lucky that I was given so many choices due to him not waiting around a couple months for the baby to be born. He won’t be around when the baby is born. I have a moral choice to make. How much is money, in the form of child support, worth? I’ve decided it isn’t worth my sons mental health and safety. My choice… I am good…. we are poor…. and the sociopath won! Yippy for high morals.
Most people except my choice…
But my girlfriend last night lectured me on it. “How could you not get child support?” She asks. “He IS the father? Yours and your older sons standard of living will be compromised!” She says. She then continues “yeah he messed you over…Yeah he is a sociopath….Yes he has a really flat affect….But he doesn’t stike me as a sexual molester or killer!”
I retort “But he is capable of anything”.
She says “Your neighbor could be one, Bill could be one, a teacher could be one. You have read too much into it”
I retort “But he was sexually abused as a child. He talked about sexual abuse all the time. He was overly concerned with any alligations my other son might make. My other son was not allowed in our bedroom and was not allowed to roam around the house without clothing, sociopaths rules. Once we were in a park and there were many kids there and he said he had to get out of there because the place was making him horny. I once caught him checking out a little girl in a sprinkler.”
She says “You are reading into it.” She continues “If he was sexually abused as a child that would make him NOT want to do it as an adult. It was so tramatizing he would never want to do that to another. You are worrying for nothing! You do not want to be poor.” She had many excuses for his bahavior. She said when he was in the park with all the children around, it was just the thought of making babies that made him horny…. He was just looking at the girl in the sprinkler…. She went on and on.
I said to myself “You do not understand.”
I didn’t follow the initial warning signs when I first met this man. I ignored them and assumed he was like me. I now have an opportunity to follow my gut feelings. My friend is telling me everything I used to tell myself-making excuses for his often bizarre behavior. It is hard not to listen to her, and say maybe she is right, I am overreacting. But if I went for money againts my intuition and put my son at risk, I would be just as bad as the sociopath.
Being good and making the right choices, hurts sometimes.
Bird, a child NEVER PROFITS WITH A PSYCHOPATH IN THEIR LIVES–especially as a parent. Keep your child AWAY from this MONSTER–when the child is born, I would put “unknown” on the birth certificate for father, or a fake name if you feel you must have a name on there…but I wouldn’t trade my CHILD for a Million dollars a month in child support because even IF you collected it, the P would be so mad at you that he would take it out on the child as revenge against you.
Tell your girl friend that you thank her for her opinion and go with your GUT, keep this man out of your life. Move, don’t let him know where you are, don’t let anyone know where you are that could or would tell him. Take your child to safety.
Read the thread about how Amy’s husband murdered her three children to punish her….if what I am saying doesn’t make sense to you, that should tell you all. These people are capable of ANYTHING no matter how awful. You are fortunate beyond belief that he left you, deserted you, was through with you, but if you poke the sleeping lion with a stick, I can almost guarentee that he will maul your child in revenge.
Tell your friend to lay off, it is not her decision, you must take care of your child, no matter what UNINFORMED people think. I have spent too much of my life trying to live according to other’s rules, even if I thought they didn’t make sense, but I am finally realizing how smart and good I am, and that I should have listened to myself all along.
Good luck to you and your wonderful child! and God bless you both—he has done so by the P leaving you, so I thank God that the man is not in your life now. (((hugs))))
Bird-
Turned on by groups of children? Keep him away from you and your child- whatever you do…do not put him on the birth certificate. Avert disaster.
Free-Dr. Liane-
Thank you. I am intellectually to the point I know the psycho is no good, I do not trust psycho and do not want him near me…
but it is sad to realize …he not only hates me, he used me. And to have to let go of any hope he’d be normal. But that said…there’s no way I want that relationship back and I know I am getting better.
It’s just a surreal emptiness and sorrow like waking from a good dream that wasn’t real to a REAL nightmare that follow me into the waking hours.
And I was fortunate- my situation is trivial and my fault, I feel for those on here who from no fault of their own faced these monsters and have children with them.
He is a sexual sadist-it is an epiphany to have a name to it. When he told me at 6 months pregnant that he was in love with another women halfway across the country and he wanted to move there without me and the baby, I was so distraught. I cried and cried. The week that followed, he was more sexually excited for me then ever. I wasn’t sure if my pain excited him, or if it was having two women at the same time. It was probably a little of both. Him telling me about his other lady definitely turned him on.
I can make good choices now. Before I had made all of my decisions on lies and omissions-hence my situation.
I need to keep working on healing. I was exercising and it was helping with my anxiety. But the massive stress the sociopath caused me, has caused problems with my pregnancy. I had a preterm labor scare last week. They shot me up with medicines to stop the contractions and gave me pills and told me I could no longer exercise, clean, mow the grass, or lift groceries.
So much for exercising to get through this.
The one choice I am making that is unhealthy is anonomously looking at the sociopaths and his new girlfriends facebook pages. I need to cancel my page so that I cannot access their pages. He used to write on his facebook page everyday. Ever since he moved he has completely stopped. He wrote to me over email and said he was going to stop writing on it, “because after what he did to me, he could never be who he thought he was again.” I don’t believe what he wrote to me to be the real reason that he stopped writing on his page. I am sure there are healthier things I could be doing then looking at their pages.
His new girlfriend is an open book on her page. She used to write about how in love she is. She doesn’t write that anymore, I wonder if she is getting to know him yet? She writes about how happy she is. She writes about how much money she makes.
Watching her page is entertainment to me. They were pursuing each other and she knew about me. She even wrote to me right after he told me and said that she “can’t help herself, she is so magnetically attracted to him.” Maybe some people watch American Idol or LOST, I watch her story with my ex sociopath unfold on facebook. I watch it quietly, way on the other side of the united states, with his baby in my belly. Secretly, I am watching her page, to see her fall.
When I am not doing that I am reading books on sociopaths. Or I am reading every website I can find on it.
I used to be able to lounge around with a calm mind and watch shows and movies in my pregnant state. For some reason my mind has been too “zoomed” and “alert” to be able to calm it down enough to enjoy the shows. At least the babies room is all set up.
The pity play of my sociopath…. the sexual abuse was one of many. The sociopaths father also left his mother when she was pregnant and got another women pregnant at the same time. The sociopath has a half sister who is two months younger then him. I wonder if the sociopaths father was a sociopath? So, his mother gave him up and his grandparents adopted him. His grandfather was never around, he was a roaming drunk and womanizer. He was raised by his grandmother and she was abusive and not very attentive. When he was 16, his grandparents left him and moved out of the country. He was forced to move into his biological mothers house. His mothers husband kicked him out and he was then taken in by his friends family until he went to college. He was abandoned by pretty much everyone. Then, while at college, both of his grandparents died when he was 18. He called them his parents, and therefore his parents died when he was 18. That is why his grades were not very good in college, he says. He was so totally devistated by their dealth that 15 years later he still cried about them. Sometimes he would wake up after dreaming about them with tears running down his face. He never made it back to their dealth beds before they died, and he cried about that too. Due to his parents dying, he turned to massive drug use during college. By the time I had met him he had been sober for 2 years. Or so he says
I bet I can think of his next pity play to his next victim. I never see my son…(cry cry)
One BIG pity party for my sociopath…and I am the sucker who bought it.
Bird-
Hey- my psycho loved the pity play, so I know what you mean BUT e would be psychos if we did not INTIALLY empathisize. Our reaction, empathy was normal…that does not make us a sucker.
You know now, but then your concern was that of a normal human being.
Anyone who uses that is sick.
Here’s an interesting point: my psycho thought I made up real health issues…hmmm…..perhaps because HE did.
Take care and give your belly a rub and some Ben and Jerrys
Bird,
While it is a big “turn on” to him to have two women “fighting” over him, his time with her will come to a sad end, and possibly he may return to see you to get back with you again…that is VERY common. Cut EVERY tie with him, total No CONTACT…not even knowing about him or her. Believe me, trying to “keep tabs” on him/her will only slow down your healing. I think about everyone here will agree with me on that.
Whatever you have to do to keep that child away from him so that he cannot use the baby as a weapon to hurt you with, do it.
His “pity party” is just that, even if his stories are “true” (and they may not be) he CANNOT have cared about them, he can’t care about anyone—them or you. His “tears” are crocodile tears, used to hook you in. They are amazing ACTORS.
My P-son used to convince all his friend’s parents that he was an “abused child”—he convinced my mother he was abused, and she KNEW BETTER but fell for it anyway. He convinced my husband’s niece to let him come live with her after he got out of prison the first time because “his parents were too harsh on him, all he needed was love and understanding” to be a good boy! Boulder-dash! He lived with her 5 months and all 5 months of that he was involved with illegal activities, and ended it by killing his partner, a 17 year old girl, for “ratting him out” when they got caught. He even took the murder weapon back to his cousin’s house and hid it under his bed.
Your X’s parents and grandparents may have been bad people to him, he may have been abused, and then again, he may not have been, but it would NOT have made any difference, he CHOSE to be the way he is because he has NO caring, NO empathy, and no love for anyone except himself and what HE WANTS and he doesn’t care who he hurts if he gets “instant gratification.” To heck with YOU, and to heck with your baby. It isn’t HIS baby, it is your baby, because he doesn’t care about the life inside you except as an ego boost, but he will not nurture or love that child.
Try meditation instead of exercise to help you through the pregnancy and it will lower your stress. Lie down on your back or some comfortable spot, then just start to FEEL your body. Start at your toes and FEEL the temperature of your feet, feel the weight of your body against the bed, then “talk” to yourself about how you feel the sensations of the sheets, the air blowing against your skin, then “fill” your body with warm water (like your toe is the fill spout of a big water bottle shaped like your body) and feel the warm water running in, bathing the inside of your body with warmth and comfort, filling you. feel each group of muscles relax as the warm water comes to them.
Or anything else you can imagine—make up your own meditation picture…it doesn’t matter what. Your blood pressure will decrease, your stress and muscle tension will decrease, and even the baby will benefit from it as the stress hormones decrease. Your heart will slow down, your breathing will slow down and you will feel a sense of peace and comfort. It takes a little practice, but not much and you can get the benefits of the exercise without the stress on the pregnancy.
God bless you Bird, you ARE a strong woman! And your baby will be beautiful and wonderful and healthy! AND VERY MUCH LOVED!