Hopefully, many of you read this blog because you want to know how a trained psychiatrist deals with the issues you also face. I am not glad to be eternally tied to a psychopath, but since I am, you and I share the same challenges. We can reflect on these challenges together and we will all be better and stronger.
This week I received an email from one of my ex-husband’s family members, so I will put off the planned discussion of psychopathic anxiety to address the issues raised by the email. The email points to the trivializing of the sociopath’s/psychopath’s behavior that family members often do. This week give some thought as to how you will deal with others who trivialize a sociopath’s/psychopath’s behavior or perhaps your own tendency to “excuse” what he/she does.
In case you missed this, my ex-husband is in prison and is a sex offender. Regarding the events which led to the prison sentence, one of his blood relatives just wrote me, “but I don’t agree with all of his choices and in all fairness I do understand your disgust with ________’s actions.”
I want to ask all of you to consider this question: Do sociopaths/psychopaths make choices? If they do what does it mean when we say we “disagree” with their choices? What is the difference between disagreeing with their choices vs. being “disgusted” by them?
Last night at La Salsa, my favorite restaurant I made a choice. I chose to have fish tacos and some chips. I chose the fish tacos because I really like them. If I didn’t like fish tacos I wouldn’t choose them. I have to also confess, that I ate a small amount of ice cream when I got home, even though I am counting calories. I also really like ice cream.
My food choices were indeed choices, but notice that you learn about me from my choices. In regards to the ice cream, you learn that my impulse control regarding food is only fair in that I ate the ice cream even though I am making an effort to reduce the amount of fat I eat. If you have met me, you know that I am not particularly overweight so you probably wouldn’t hold my ice cream consumption against me.
What we learn from my eating behavior is that all choices reflect the chooser and his/her circumstances. I ate the fish tacos because I went to La Salsa. I ate the ice cream because it was in my freezer. If I hadn’t gone to La Salsa or had ice cream in the freezer, I would have eaten differently.
That gets me to sociopaths/psychopaths. These individuals do not just make “choices.” They, with malice and forethought set up situations where they will be able to gratify their deviant impulses. My former husband sought me out so he would have access to victims in addition to me. The choices he made started with his looking for his next victim on the internet. That victim turned out to be me. This situation is analogous to my eating the ice cream last night, because although I am trying to eat healthier, I did buy the ice cream and put it in the freezer myself. I would have eaten 250 less calories last night if I didn’t buy the ice cream in the first place.
It is clear that a person’s pattern of choices reflects that person’s drives and impulse control. Most sociopaths/psychopaths have a clear pattern of “choices” that show clearly what and who they really are. During psychiatry residency I was taught that the best predictor of what a person will do in the future is what that person has done in the past. This is because the past is a reflection of who that person is.
If choices are a reflection of our person and our drives are we without choice in the end? The beauty of it is that we do have choices because as humans we have some capacity to set up our environments and to modify our drives. If it was really necessary for me to avoid ice cream, I simply would stop buying it in the first place. I can also work on liking fruit or some other healthier alternative. As a human I can change what I like, what I want and ultimately what I do.
On the other hand, if you really understand the connection between what a sociopath/psychopath chooses and what he/she IS you will move from disagreeing with the choices to being disgusted by the person. Merriam Webster’s online dictionary defines disgust as:
1. to provoke to loathing, repugnance, or aversion : be offensive to
2. to cause (one) to lose an interest or intention
Notice that seeing the connection between choices, behavior and the nature of a psychopath, provokes loathing, repugnance, aversion and loss of interest in the person. I have stated before that I believe the people who are “fascinated” by psychopaths do not understand them. Understanding psychopaths breeds contempt not fascination.
The other difference between disagreeing with what a psychopath does and being disgusted, is that disagreeing is an intellectual exercise, while disgust is an emotion. If you are disgusted by psychopaths, that emotion means you comprehend WHAT THEY ARE with your entire being.
Can sociopaths/psychopaths get help or ever make different choices?
The problem with psychopaths is that they are so grandiose that they never examine their own behavior, nor do they ever seek to modify their choices. The choices they make are a deep reflection of their pathology. That pathology includes a lack of desire to be anything other than what they are. But why don’t sociopaths/psychopaths desire to change? The answer is that they enjoy their choices too much. They also do not have insight enough to comprehend that their drives are deviant. They think everyone else is as they are, only weaker.
The other problem is that drives are triggered by the things that remind us of our pleasures. Since people trigger the sociopath’s/psychopath’s deviant drives for sex and power, in order to begin to be different they would have to stay away from other people. Since sociopaths/psychopaths don’t want to be alone, they can never take the steps required for change. They will therefore never be anything other than what they are- dangerous to everyone.
Do sociopaths/psychopaths make choices?
Yes, we all make choices. I believe that when we choose an action or course of actions we expect something in return. Like eating ice cream, I expect a cool, wet tasty treat. But this of course doesn’t happen all the time. Sometimes I buy a different kind of ice cream and don’t like it. So I won’t buy that type again. I learned the different between “good” and not good ice cream. When a sociopath makes a choice they expect something in return. So with this theory in hand, a sociopath must be looking for the “good” ice cream i.e. person who will supply s/he with a good return. This is a conscience choice this person makes. Now this is were my “theory” starts to breakdown. S/he knows that this person will make him happy and will give him some type of return in the process. But this person also would know that if s/he does this or that and then must have experience the consequent of past “bad” actions and/or deeds, then why does this person keep repeating those “same” actions and/or deeds that will hurt s/he in the end? I have been told that their brain is wired differently. It must be!
Here is my story:
My ex of 17 years lost 2 other children from a previous marriage due to a divorce. I now know that she was requested to have a psychological test done. Which I believe now that she failed. Or should I say, showed some traits (personality) that wasn’t in her favor. Now in all fairness she told me that the reason she lost custody was because his family had more money (that was true) then her, (I know I am a fool) and with blinders on I believe her. What I never understood is why she made no attempt to pay children support, visit them or anything concerning their warfare. (To this day she still has no relationship with both of these children, which are now adults) I asked her many times why not? [James, can you spell r-e-d f-l-a-g-s?] Always the same answer, He (ex) would hurt me and/or doesn’t want me there! Well guess were I sit today, in her ex’s shoes. Now let fast forward to today. She again left her children and doesn’t see them, not because she expect me to hurt her or that I don’t want them to see her. No! Our children don’t want to see her from all the pain and misery that she did to all of us. And then on top of that after she left she continue to add more pain and misery trying to control us by harassing us by calls after calls. Demanding to talk with them even when they didn’t want too. Demanding that I give whatever she felt entitled too. Which I did. I only wanted to work with her, but no James! You see that’s personal power. Which I was never entitle too. I still gave and she still kept taking, taking and taking until I just couldn’t give anymore! I thought that if a person lost two other children because she didn’t work with others that she would learn her lesson, grow up and learn to give and take. Did she no! Why not? The lessons did come to me, and believe me they came fast and hard! What I did learn is that this person learns nothing from her past! Why? Well I believe that what is too painful is put in a place called denial. What is unfair is put in a place called hate. What is too hard is put in a place called blame. If her past is too painful then forget the past. When we forget the past we learn nothing from it. We make choices from what we learn in the past. Take out the past (reality) and then we learn nothing!!!! They do choose, but I believe they learn nothing from that choice!
Bad wiring? Well that I will leave up to the experts!
Bird
I too want no child support, kind of silly really. One is going to be 17 in July. The other 14 same month. Plus what we need she can’t give us. Peace, a safe environment (no fighting for hours on hours on hours) Love validation and compassion. None of these does she have for us, for her self or for others.
Healing time. Well I guess it’s different for all of us. I was with her for 17 years. And it’s taken me 2 years to heal. Thank God, that I am there. There was some day’s that I believed that I would never heal, but I did.
What will happen with her new “soul mate” (*God how I hate that word)? Who knows and who cares… Not me!
*Interesting story behind that soul mate BS. She told me for two years that she wanted to find her “soul mate” and she made sure I knew I wasn’t it… Ouch, that (at the time) hurt! But now I can only thank God, I wasn’t that “soul mate”… Poor, Poor Soul mate! And I do hope you have as much fun as we did…
Bird,
Your friend is so very wrong. Send her to us. We’ll take care of her. :o)
Isn’t it true that most molesters were molested themselves? I know that children who have been molested quite often act out sexual play and molest other children. I don’t know where your friend got her crazy ideas. I am not saying that all people who were molested go on to be molesters but her statements were just so off base.
This friend is speaking to you from a high high horse… one which is far above understanding that what happened to us can happen to anyone. Look at how many smart, articulate people write regularly on this site let alone our hosts… three professional women! (and Dr. Steve)
And bells rang for me when you said that your ex was constantly saying he was concerned that your son would make allegations against him. This sounds like a set up if I ever heard one. The Sociopath is going overboard to act as if it’s your son’s integrity that is in question so that if he did do something and your son spoke up about it… the Sociopath has already planted a seed of doubt in your mind and he can counter, “I just knew that kid would falsely accuse me! Didn’t I tell you!?”
What a bad scene.
Don’t go after the money. It is not worth it. Your friend does not understand what is at stake by remaining tied to this man over child support. It sounds like you do understand. Don’t doubt yourself. You sound like you are on the right track.
And I totally get watching the whole sickening thing unfold with the new woman. What’s sad is she is describing a Sociopath without knowing it. It’s like watching a trainwreck in slow motion isn’t it? And didn’t you say she talks about how much money she makes on her facebook page?
Gee… I wonder what attracted this man to her?
Free,
My point was, your friend’s arguement was dangerous. I believe you said that she insisted that your ex would not molest because he was a former molest victim.
Bad logic.
I wouldn’t make any decisions based on her arguements.
:o)
Bird,
“Your friend is so very wrong. Send her to us. We’ll take care of her. :o)”
Ditto on that!
Free
“I don’t entirely agree with that statement. There are hundreds and hundreds of people out there who have been molested, like me, who DON’T molest others and the very thought of that is abhorrent to me/us.”
Sorry to say but I would have to be counted on that roll call. I too was molested as a child, but would never this to a person albeit it molestation, rape, date-rape or any type of dysfunctional sexual deviant act. In fact this make me physically sick inside. An aftermath, of my molestation I guess?
I am not going to labor over my point but I think you all are still missing it.
The arguement of the uninformed person was that Free need not worry about her man being a molester, even though he indicated all kinds of signs… because he claimed that he himself was molested. The person asserted that since he was molested, he would never molest…. DANGEROUS ASSUMPTION!
Terrible logic.
I am done. :o)
Free,
You captured exactly what I think is the main point of Dr. L’s post, “not only her friend is misinformed, it is society also” and the result of that misinformation is that Bird’s ex may or may not be a child molester, but until he commits a crime society dictates that he is innocent. Even after misbehavior is factual, our legal system still is painfully lacking in protecting the innocent as it is designed to do.
Absolutely we all make choices every day, the problem is taking or not taking responsibility for those choices and what consequences, if any, are there for those who don’t?
If Bird seeks child support, she as a responsible parent, must weigh the risk versus gain and unfortunately she probably cannot rely on the court system for assistence or protection. How likely is it Bird will receive child support and what may have to be endured to attain it? In most states whether or not he pays support he still retains visitation rights. With DNA testing, parentage can be determined whether or not his name appears on the birth certificate. Only Bird can make that decision but she’s found this site and is seeking knowledge, so she’s taking steps and has found a wonderful source of support in weighing her decision.
Life isn’t fair, but it can become more informed, leading to change. Knowledge is power and having experienced what we all on here know from witnessing it up close and personal, whatever steps we can each take to enlighten society while making the best choices we can to protect our own, brings us one step closer toward change and the self satisfaction of our ultimate goal of living well in spite of them.
BEnzthere,
Very good post—very logical, rational.
I might point out too, that sometimes the Ps “think it is all about money” when it comes to identification of parenthood through DNA.
Sometimes too, if you apply for welfare or social services they insist that you tell them who the father is or no assistance. The purpose of this is so that they can “go after” repayment of the assistance via the bio-logical/legal father. So even if you forego “child support” from the father you also have to forego social services support or lie. This “well meaning” law has some negative consequences for some parents who are trying to AVOID A P in their child’s life.
Even “good laws” (choices of society) sometimes have negative consequences, because there is never a “one size fits all” law or other choice.
Right.. it was Bird. I forgot.