I recently received an email from a Lovefraud reader who had only one question. It’s a question I hear frequently: Do sociopaths return?
The answer: Some of them don’t, but some of them do.
Many people who have been romantically involved with sociopaths experienced the sudden “devalue and discard.” One day the sociopath loves you. The next day the sociopath tosses you aside like a used tissue and walks away, without ever looking back.
As the person left behind, you may be in shock. You may have had no idea that your partner was unhappy. You may ask yourself, did I do something wrong? Why didn’t he or she say something? Can’t we work this out?
You are also astounded at the callousness of your partner’s behavior. All those statements of “I love you” and “we’re soul mates” — did they mean nothing? After all the time you spent together, and everything you’ve been through, how can this person just leave?
The answer may be that your former partner has drained all your resources, and there’s nothing left to take. Or your former partner has simply found a juicier target. Or your partner simply decides that he or she is bored. For whatever reason, you are no longer of any use, and the sociopath is gone.
If this person doesn’t return, consider yourself lucky.
The return
Sometimes the sociopath does return. They often have a sixth sense of when you may be receptive to hear from them. They just seem to know when your anger has subsided, or when you’re feeling lonely, or when you feel strong enough to be “just friends.”
Then, because they’ve spent so much time studying you, they know exactly what approach to use to hook you again.
They may proclaim their love, confessing that they never knew how much they truly loved you until you were gone.
They may apologize profusely, seeming to take responsibility for their heartless actions, while conveniently blaming something else, such as work stress or alcohol.
They may promise to go to counseling, or church, or rehab. Or, they say they’ve already been to counseling, church or rehab, and they’ve changed.
Or, they seduce you sexually.
Why do they return? Perhaps the “juicier target” has thrown them out and they have no place to go. Whatever the reason, they were able to manipulate you before, so they assume they’ll be able to manipulate you again.
Maintain No Contact
In numerous articles on Lovefraud, I’ve explained that to end an involvement with a sociopath, you must have No Contact with him or her.
If the sociopath returns after a period of time, your response should be the same: Maintain No Contact.
They may catch you off-guard by contacting you from a new phone number or e-mail address that you haven’t blocked. They may show up unannounced at your home or place of employment.
Do not fall for their apologies, excuses or professions of love.
Never forget: Once they are adults, sociopaths do not change. Sooner or later, the old games will start again, except they’ll be worse.
If a sociopath returns, do not let him or her back into your life.
This post couldn’t have come at a better time. I haven’t been on this site for a long time. But my ex has made several attempts to contact me, the most recent after he found out I was no longer seeing somebody, which was in mid November. I was actually thinking about seeing him!! My friends are all very mad at me and won’t even talk to me about it. So, I came back here to reinforce to myself what my ex really and truly is and what he is trying to do to me. I feel like I have the strength now to maintain no contact, which I broke by talking to him in November.
Mich-
We’ve all succumbed to the predator’s charm because we had the innate ability to love and forgive. There were many transgressions along the way that we ignored and people around us have a tendency to think we ignored them because we had a weakness or a fault. We even question that in ourselves.
The Betrayal Bond, Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships is the best book I’ve read to explain why I remained with the predator in my life, and how that relationship affected me.
I’d encourage anyone trying to break free of a toxic relationship to read it.
Joyce
Thanks Joyce. I did read that book earlier in the year when my relationship ended and I was beyond devastated. I ended up taking Zoloft for a few months and that helped a lot. I was able to stop crying and start eating and gaining weight and feel like my old self again. I had a great guy in my life but I pushed him away. My ex found out, they have mutual friends, and he contacted me immediately. I seemed to have forgotten everything I learned from this site and considered getting back together with him. I came back here and re-read the facts and it snapped me back into reality. Until today, I was longing to hear from him again and would have seen him if he tried one more time. But not anymore.
My ex has definitely returned. Not for me but for himself…..he is so very textbook that I can now almost predict his words and actions. His sense of entitlement is so amazing to me that it makes my head spin!!!!! He has had the balls to let me know that he intends to send his new wife back to her country before she can attain US citizenship. So he will use her for under two years and then divorce her so she is deported and he gets away with not being financially responsible for her. I even told him that he has informed me now that he is in the business of destroying lives….He continues to mail me expensive presents, and texts me atleast 20 times a day saying “how are you” “where are you”…..
I cannot maintain no contact with him for financial reasons. During my divorce in a community property state the judge awarded me alimony for 17 years to compensate me for money he has stolen,and moved out of the country. He pays me this money when he chooses. Its ridiculous that he feels good about control over me this way. I do not know if he knows I am now employed.I now know and have learnt that loose lips sink ships….It’s one of my life lessons that my involvement with him taught me…Infact I’m now so aware that my life’s lessons were taught to me by his discard of me. The whole point of their lives is to maintain dominance and control….and ofcourse to inflict hurt. As long as we who have been targeted can introspect and heal ourselves, we can see them for who they really are. Once we can accept that reality we can choose a path forward that allows us to grow as healthy individuals.
You are making excuses. You deserve so so much better. The master of the universe did not put in your life plan to put up with this sociopath for money. I worked in family law for years. Rid yourself of him and get an attorney either through legal aid or a private attorney that will take the case and what I have seen is you can get your ex to pay the fees and get a specific court order stating the day each month he has to pay and have it go through the court. If he fails to pay, file an Order to Show Cause/Contempt and get him put in jail. Your lot in life is not to be nice to him. Reality check, he has someone else and he is playing both of you. Heal from him and find someone that can love you truly and genuinely.
I’m not sure I agree with IthoughtIwassmart that you are making excuses…I completely understand wanting to get the money you are entitled to. Although I wasn’t married to my ex, we bought a very expensive house together and had agreed to split the house payment as well as all the expenses 50-50. He abandoned me before he even moved into the house, and I have never broken no contact once in 2 1/2 years – all communication has been through an attorney. He started off paying half the house payment (he sends the checks directly to me) but has never participated in any maintenance costs (some have been substantial) and during this time has unilaterally reduced the amount of his share of the house payment he sends. He started sending it later and later and finally my attorney intervened and now he sends it on the 1st…but he is shorting me a full $1,400 a month…every month. It used to irk me to no end that I know he feels that he is controlling me by manipulating the amount of the checks and the timing he sends them, but as I heal, I realized, screw that, who cares what he thinks. I have been financially torn apart by his actions, but as time has passed, I have come to accept what is lost is lost and will take what I can. When the house is sold, I will be able to live my life again on my own terms. You CAN work to get what you are entitled to, but you can do it through an attorney and don’t have to have any contact…I know, it is expensive and I was resentful about that too, but it’s money well spent in the long run. I also think it sends a message that you are serious when they find out that all communication has to be through an attorney. Change your phone number so he can’t text you! Also, your comment that loose lips sink ships…right on target. I am a natural sharer but I learned early on to keep my mouth shut. My life has basically been on hold all this time and my lifestyle has changed dramatically, while his has not changed and he has gone on to get married to his new target, travel and basically act like a big deal. I bide my time and do what needs to be done…
Mine is textbook to. He went months without contacting me then comes back with how much he loves me, wants to marry me. And then he always brings up the amazing sex. He wanted to get together in person to talk. I almost did it. All of my friends flipped out. I would lose them all if I did. I haven’t seen him since Jan 1 of this year. It would just take 1 minute of seeing him to fall back under his control and manipulation. And a lifetime of heartbreak.
Same here, thank God for friends.
Some of them just don’t seem to want to let go, even if they are the ones who broke up. I think they come back into our lives to see if they can still get a hook into us. I haven’t spoken to or seen the ex-spath in 3 years. I moved 25 miles away, he has a live-in girlfriend and a baby, and he still tries to keep tabs on me through mutual acquaintances. A normal person would move on and just let it go, but he can’t.
He’s still keeping tabs on his ex-wife who divorced him almost 20 years ago.
Mine kept tabs on his ex-wife too, and they had been divorced almost 20 years…I think it’s a red flag. He had me convinced she was crazy and had hurt him so badly (classic) that I didn’t think it was odd when he reminisced about the bad times and every holiday season he became obsessed with talking about her. He even worked out and transformed himself to “show her” what she was missing when he attended his daughters wedding. Gag! For sure he’s telling his new wife the same things about ME now, when I used to be the wonderful woman who made him so happy. Monsters!
Mine has kept tabs on my this entire year through his kids and mutual friends. I just needed the reality check of coming back here to going back to NC. I can’t believe I even talked to him in Nov when he contacted me. I was the one who broke up with him after finding solid proof of other women. He denies it to this day, even though I have it in black and white. Hardest thing I ever did was walk away from him.
Mich, the thing that confused me the most about the sociopath I dated was the utterly convincing lies. The evidence would show that he was lying. But his stories and excuses – and even apologies – were just so convincing. Before I knew what a sociopath was, I didn’t think anyone could lie so convincing. So I believed he must be telling the truth against all odds. “I guess it *could* happen,” would be my thought process. It’s the pathological lying that is a telltale sign you are dealing with a sociopath. Even after I walked away from him, I still couldn’t believe he was lying. I actually set a trap for him, just to make sure. I had one of my friends call him. She three-wayed me in on the conversation without him knowing. I heard him lie to her three times. He was so convincing that she believed him. She actually hung up from him and told me that she believes he is really sincere in what he said. This shows just how very dangerous they can be. If the stories don’t add up, believe your gut.
Stargazer, wow, we did a similar thing. I called him about a lie, had my best friend listen in without him knowing and she believed him to. Said he was very convincing. But she was one of my biggest supporters of leaving him. She knew he was a pathological lier but didn’t know the extent of it. I just can’t believe I forgot all this and almost saw him a few weeks ago. So glad I came back here and got the facts again and am thinking with a clear head. I also had backdoor contact the entire year. I was dating the father of one of his kids best friends. He was a great, nice guy. But the spaths daughter called him constantly and was in our business and reported back to dad on everything she could. That ended a few weeks ago, my choice. I’m hurt, once again, but nothing like I was in the beginning of the year.
Mich, I think when you are fresh out of a relationship with a sociopath, it’s really important to get support from people who understand sociopaths. Before I found this site, my sociopath had stalked me at a local expo where he knew I would be. He never said a word but followed me around and leaned in near me as if trying to smell my hair. At the end of the day, I was very confused. I thought this was a sign that he really loved me (even after he discarded me and lied to my friend on the phone that day). Fortunately, I called a very wise counselor that night. She assured me that what he did was a power play. He wanted to assert power over me. He probably expected me to call him after that and beg for him back, so he could have sex with me and then discard me again.
I am a hopeless, idealist romantic. So I often need to have reality checks with wise friends and counselors to get a reality check on my date’s behaviors. It really helps. My current therapist doubles as my dating coach.