I recently received an email from a Lovefraud reader who had only one question. It’s a question I hear frequently: Do sociopaths return?
The answer: Some of them don’t, but some of them do.
Many people who have been romantically involved with sociopaths experienced the sudden “devalue and discard.” One day the sociopath loves you. The next day the sociopath tosses you aside like a used tissue and walks away, without ever looking back.
As the person left behind, you may be in shock. You may have had no idea that your partner was unhappy. You may ask yourself, did I do something wrong? Why didn’t he or she say something? Can’t we work this out?
You are also astounded at the callousness of your partner’s behavior. All those statements of “I love you” and “we’re soul mates” — did they mean nothing? After all the time you spent together, and everything you’ve been through, how can this person just leave?
The answer may be that your former partner has drained all your resources, and there’s nothing left to take. Or your former partner has simply found a juicier target. Or your partner simply decides that he or she is bored. For whatever reason, you are no longer of any use, and the sociopath is gone.
If this person doesn’t return, consider yourself lucky.
The return
Sometimes the sociopath does return. They often have a sixth sense of when you may be receptive to hear from them. They just seem to know when your anger has subsided, or when you’re feeling lonely, or when you feel strong enough to be “just friends.”
Then, because they’ve spent so much time studying you, they know exactly what approach to use to hook you again.
They may proclaim their love, confessing that they never knew how much they truly loved you until you were gone.
They may apologize profusely, seeming to take responsibility for their heartless actions, while conveniently blaming something else, such as work stress or alcohol.
They may promise to go to counseling, or church, or rehab. Or, they say they’ve already been to counseling, church or rehab, and they’ve changed.
Or, they seduce you sexually.
Why do they return? Perhaps the “juicier target” has thrown them out and they have no place to go. Whatever the reason, they were able to manipulate you before, so they assume they’ll be able to manipulate you again.
Maintain No Contact
In numerous articles on Lovefraud, I’ve explained that to end an involvement with a sociopath, you must have No Contact with him or her.
If the sociopath returns after a period of time, your response should be the same: Maintain No Contact.
They may catch you off-guard by contacting you from a new phone number or e-mail address that you haven’t blocked. They may show up unannounced at your home or place of employment.
Do not fall for their apologies, excuses or professions of love.
Never forget: Once they are adults, sociopaths do not change. Sooner or later, the old games will start again, except they’ll be worse.
If a sociopath returns, do not let him or her back into your life.
I went to therapy most of this year and got on antidepressants. I started to feel like my old self again but when I ended my last dating relationship a few weeks ago, I fell back into the same sadness I felt earlier and wanted that feeling to go away. He just happened to show up the next day. Because he heard that I was single again. My friends don’t get.
Mich-
Keep in mind that our attraction to people is chemically induced. When people talk about “chemistry” between romantic interests, they often mean it in a comical sense, but there is a an actual physical connection of brain chemistry in romantic love, and its absence can create the longing we feel. It’s often why we go back. We’re reacting to the cessation of the neurotransmitter, oxytocin, that made us feel “loved.” Our craving to restore that feeling can be triggered by the mere sound of his voice.
Oxytocin plays an important part in our relationships, and, interestingly, a lack of oxytocin can enable a developing child to grow up without affective empathy, the root of disordered morality.
Having no contact for long periods of time can enable your brain to readjust its brain chemistry, but just like an alcoholic can’t go near a drop of alcohol, you can’t go near a drop of that ex of yours, if you want your life back.
Next time he calls, go out for a jog or do something else that makes you feel good about yourself. It’s healthier for you!
All the best-
Joyce
This is me and he was my drug. I was physically ill without him and needed to see or hear him to be well enough to eat or sleep when I first ended things. Little did I know he was already invested over a year in another relationship so that included the time we lived together. Reading your share helps me understand the chemical reaction portion of the sick relationship I had.
Excellent advice Joyce. I’m going to repeat this to my friends, they just don’t understand. I have found it harder to get over this relationship then any other, even my divorce wasn’t this hard. And I’m finding it hard to move on. I just don’t feel the same way about anybody else.
I have said to many people that I believe that one day, when times are tough and there is nowhere else to go, my Spath will try to return. I say this because every time during his entire life when he had nowhere to turn he came looking for me. BUT, there is a big difference now…I am not the same person I used to be and I am so much happier without him that I will never allow him back in my life. His co-workers and former friends have all said that he is such a different man without me and all I can do is laugh and say “I know, he was the best he will ever be when he was with me”, they agree. However, I still maintain No Contact, always will, because it was not me he ever loved, it was my security and bank account.
Now that he is gone, I have lost my job, only to find a much, much better one making more money than ever before, I have a new outlook on life and it is all about me and my children (which has been long overdue). My Spath has a new girlfriend who is pregnant now (he has only been gone since September 1 of this year) and is about to lose his job for not showing up, leaving early, and staying on the phone with his new girl constantly while pretending to work. Just as I predicted he would do. I see things so clear and will never allow a man to make me feel as if I don’t matter again.
I have reconnected with an old friend and we are taking things real, real slow because he knows how hurt I was and how my trust in men has been diminished to nothing.
What have I learned – the leave in a flash and will try to return the same what. When he does, and he will, he will only find a cold, cold heart and a locked door. Soon I will see him again for the first time and I can’t wait for him to see how much of a better person, how happier I am without him. In all actuality, he did me a favor and taught me great life lessons – I am more important that any man in my life and the next man will be deserving of the wonderful love I give.
I have maintained No Contact since September 25, 2013, and will not break that to save my life. I am just getting my life back.
I envy you. I have to have contact twice more. To get my stuff from the house. Yes, she stole my house, knew the judge, yada yada yada. I might not even get the 10k I am supposed to get for my “portion” of the house.
But, the further down the road I get from this woman, the healthier I will be. But, trust me, I will NEVER EVER get married again. No one is worth what I went thru for almost 8 years.
Phillip:
Don’t envy me…I have had to be strong all my life and I severely struggled with the concept of being discarded and spent many hours/days crying trying to figure things out. But, I have two boys to raise and I will be damned if I allow them to turn into heartless men like the man I was with for 7 years. The hardest part was finding forgiveness in myself. I knew I had to eventually and with the help of everyone at Lovefraud, my family and my few friends I realized I had to. And then it happened, I woke up one day and it didn’t hurt to breathe. I felt good about myself and the boys I am raising. My friends all say that I am such a different person, for the better, without him and how they have never seen me so happy in my own skin.
I have been working out and loosing weight, not for anyone, but for myself and that has made a big difference. I was able to reconnect to an old friend who over the past 7 years had told me every year when we spoke how I was worth so much more and I finally believe him.
One of my friends, whom I have known for over 30 years, works with my Spath and at first thought I was not telling the truth until the Spath allowed his true colors to show through and now my friend has gone to work and personally is “defending my honor” over all the lies the Spath told his co-workers. Now the Spath has no friends and almost doesn’t have a job. Not that I wish him harm (well, maybe a little), but I found it more important to prove that he did not break me like he thought he did…and he did not break me. I cannot be broken for long!!!
As for you losing your home and the crooked Judge, I hate to say but it happens all the time and I have seen it done a million times by women who use the system to gain support for their lies. Just know that no matter what she does, who she gets to believe her, the truth always comes out and her true colors will shine through whether she wants them to or not. In the end, you Win, not her!!! You are free of a loveless marriage and that in itself is winning. As for remarriage…I feel the same as you but should I ever find that one man who can truly love me for who I am and not what I have and prove that to me…then I will love him forever!!
You are inspiring. I still have the weakness for mine but will never ever have contact with him again. I look forward to feeling as you do. Thank you for sharing.
You will feel like I do eventually and you will feel so much better for it. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t trust men much and at night when I am alone is the hardest part because I miss that companionship. However, it really wasn’t companionship like I thought it was it was a means to and end for him and a life to me. When I do feel sad, I remind myself that I have more money now that I am not spending it all on him, I have a better relationship with my boys and they are turning into wonderful, caring men, and for that I am grateful. What does not kill us makes us stronger and I am so much stronger today than I was in September and October. I don’t think about him longer than it takes me to remind myself of how much happier I am without him. Keep telling yourself that and you will believe it. You are much, much better without him that you were with him. Now you can concentrate on you and what you want out of life.
Betrayal often makes leaving harder. We beat ourselves up and we wonder what we did wrong. It’s hard to grasp that we were “played.” Because of the cessation of the brain chemicals that kept us attached, our unconscious self craves reattachment, even though we know how hurtful the person was. We see it as “our love will cure them.” With enough distance, however, we realize they can’t be cured and love had absolutely nothing to do with the relationship.
I quit smoking many years ago. I remember the nicotine withdrawal of going cold turkey. It ended. Now, I wouldn’t pick up a cigarette for any reason. And now that I recognize that my ex is a psychopath, there is no reason to engage with him at all. The hardest loss of all is my son. He’s BPD with no change in sight. There is unlikely to be one.
Joyce
Excellent advise. I never saw my relationship with my sociopath as an addiction . But now it all makes sense to me why it was so difficult and painful the first few months after I was discarded. It is truly withdrawal symptons. The no contact for over 6 months now was my “cure” for my addiction. I will never go near him again and I will never “touch” him again. My son and I recovered nicely so far and the future does look bright to us. My son is doing wonderful in college, I have a job I truly love. And even the pets seem happier.
Katareaux , how wonderful about your success and recovery. I remember when you broke the no contact a few months back. Doesn’t it get easier? And wow, your ex has already moved on and got someone pregnant. It’s just beyond a normal persons actions how they just go to the next victim. After my divorce is final I would love to send the co worker/mistress some flowers and a thank you card telling her how grateful I am that she took my place in life. But then again, he might put another injunction against me . So just the thought of them bring together in their misery is sufficient for my happiness.
Kaya, You sure know how to make me laugh at myself. You are so right, several months ago all I wanted was to make it work and now I can’t stand the thought of him. When I found out that his new victim was pregant I was completely done with him. I knew that I had to move on to be happy and that is what I did, I moved on. I am so much happier now with myself and my boys are happier and there is an air about my home that is peaceful for once and I love it. My friends say they have never seen me so happy and that I have this “glow” about me…and you know what, I do, even I can see it.
Even when I found out I was loosing my job (my boss is still in critical condition) it did not upset me and within a weeks time I was blessed with a new, full-time job, making twice the money (I start January 2, 2014) and I am looking forward to the next chapter in my life, Spath free.
I could not have come this far without your help. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!!!
You welcome Katareaux . I have been through the exact same and I know how it was when i first was discarded. To this day I still cannot believe that I “almost” begged him to come back home. I never viewed it as an “addiction” but it truly is one. Now it makes sense to me the struggle to free yourself from this addiction. Just like your ex, mine has moved on with the co worker. It is amazing how they devalue, discard and replace. Luckily he cannot “create ” any more children. And you know good things happen to good people. You have a new better job, you glow and you have piece in your life. I feel the exact same way. My son is happy, I love my job and life is good. I accept now that my 20 year marriage was an illusion. But life is so much more. I know great things will happen. Just like you I messed up many times on the no contact at first. But this website and everyone on here had given me the strength to be strict about the no contact. I honestly don’t remember when I cried last. Was it 8 months ago? What a difference from my daily tears listening to him putting me down. I am sure the new “victim” has her daily cries when he throws his anger outbursts and makes her feel worthless. And you know I am thankful for her. She truly saved my life :). I am so happy for you Katareaux, I want to cry tears of joy for you :).
Kaya:
Your so right, life is so much more!! I am so happy that you are doing great and feeling good about things. I know your son is much happier because mine are the same way and it amazes me how much turmoil was in our lives until I truly committed to No Contact. We laugh all the time, we cut up and do things we want to do without feeling guilty. I still have trust issues when it comes to men but I know I will have those for a long time. I am so thankful for you and everyone here for helping me understand and come to terms with what he did and how he truly is. I, like you, thank the new victim because she also saved my life as well. I feel sorry for her at the same time because she is young, just 18 and now pregnant, and she has no idea what he is.
We can cry tears of joy for the both of us!!! We survived!!!
Excellent advise. I never saw my relationship with my sociopath as an addiction . But now it all makes sense to me why it was so difficult and painful the first few months after I was discarded. It is truly withdrawal symptons. The no contact for over 6 months now was my “cure” for my addiction. I will never go near him again and I will never “touch” him again. My son and I recovered nicely so far and the future does look bright to us. My son is doing wonderful in college, I have a job I truly love. And even the pets seem happier.
Katareaux , how wonderful about your success and recovery. I remember when you broke the no contact a few months back. Doesn’t it get easier? And wow, your ex has already moved on and got someone pregnant. It’s just beyond a normal persons actions how they just go to the next victim. After my divorce is final I would love to send the co worker/mistress some flowers and a thank you card telling her how grateful I am that she took my place in life. But then again, he might put another injunction against me . So just the thought of them being together in their misery is sufficient for my happiness.
Agree, I always refer it to an addiction as well. It really is. I told this to my therapist and she said that is a good way to put it as you slowly ween yourself away from the person (then she did a little giggle lol)
In my case when he does contact me it makes me feel good..like he’s suffering in a way like he made me suffer. Hoping he’s miserable. But since coming here I realize he’s not suffering or miserable, he’s just trying to get a response anything to make him think he still has that hold but I’m not playing his games anymore he doesn’t deserve a thought in my head. He doesn’t even deserve my hate. Its getting better with each day of no contact. I really don’t even care what he’s doing anymore. Feels pretty good after two years of him constantly occupying my mind and we were done two years ago this past November. Spent 10 yrs together and wasted another 2 just dwelling on it..not gonna do it any more.
I was such a vulnerable target even long after he left my house and so addicted to “helping” him that I had to do something that would make him want to stay away and me to know that he would never be back so I took out a website with his picture and explained all the things he did. This way, everyone he knew told him I was terrible and my camp finally saw I was trying to get free. It has worked so far, over a year and a half. I doubt I will ever date again.