I recently received an email from a Lovefraud reader who had only one question. It’s a question I hear frequently: Do sociopaths return?
The answer: Some of them don’t, but some of them do.
Many people who have been romantically involved with sociopaths experienced the sudden “devalue and discard.” One day the sociopath loves you. The next day the sociopath tosses you aside like a used tissue and walks away, without ever looking back.
As the person left behind, you may be in shock. You may have had no idea that your partner was unhappy. You may ask yourself, did I do something wrong? Why didn’t he or she say something? Can’t we work this out?
You are also astounded at the callousness of your partner’s behavior. All those statements of “I love you” and “we’re soul mates” — did they mean nothing? After all the time you spent together, and everything you’ve been through, how can this person just leave?
The answer may be that your former partner has drained all your resources, and there’s nothing left to take. Or your former partner has simply found a juicier target. Or your partner simply decides that he or she is bored. For whatever reason, you are no longer of any use, and the sociopath is gone.
If this person doesn’t return, consider yourself lucky.
The return
Sometimes the sociopath does return. They often have a sixth sense of when you may be receptive to hear from them. They just seem to know when your anger has subsided, or when you’re feeling lonely, or when you feel strong enough to be “just friends.”
Then, because they’ve spent so much time studying you, they know exactly what approach to use to hook you again.
They may proclaim their love, confessing that they never knew how much they truly loved you until you were gone.
They may apologize profusely, seeming to take responsibility for their heartless actions, while conveniently blaming something else, such as work stress or alcohol.
They may promise to go to counseling, or church, or rehab. Or, they say they’ve already been to counseling, church or rehab, and they’ve changed.
Or, they seduce you sexually.
Why do they return? Perhaps the “juicier target” has thrown them out and they have no place to go. Whatever the reason, they were able to manipulate you before, so they assume they’ll be able to manipulate you again.
Maintain No Contact
In numerous articles on Lovefraud, I’ve explained that to end an involvement with a sociopath, you must have No Contact with him or her.
If the sociopath returns after a period of time, your response should be the same: Maintain No Contact.
They may catch you off-guard by contacting you from a new phone number or e-mail address that you haven’t blocked. They may show up unannounced at your home or place of employment.
Do not fall for their apologies, excuses or professions of love.
Never forget: Once they are adults, sociopaths do not change. Sooner or later, the old games will start again, except they’ll be worse.
If a sociopath returns, do not let him or her back into your life.
My therapist even said it was an addiction. That is when I got on antidepressants and they helped. But I still have a longing for him. And I know its not him that I want but that feeling I had with him. Without a doubt, an addiction. I broke NC in June and Nov when he contacted me. I don’t think he will ever totally go away. I fear he will do this to me for the rest of my life. This explains why his ex gf always seemed to be around during my relationship with him.
You don’t HAVE to always let him “do this to you” Mich0101. It is entirely up to you. YOU have to realize he only has the control over you that you give him. Change your phone number to a private one, do NOT answer emails, calls or even speak ONE WORD to him. That is the only way you will be free. It’s like alcohol or drugs. The minute you take that sip you fall again. I don’t even say hello to mine when he is at church. I totally look through him like he isn’t there. I NEVER answer any emails or phone calls and he finally stopped. I still see him at church but I never acknowledge his presence. Do I feel bad about it? I do sometimes, because I am a “normal, caring person”. But I remind myself that he is NOT normal and I have to protect ME. You need good friends to help you, you need to come here a LOT and especially when you get that urge to talk to him. Do whatever it takes or you will never find true happiness.
Thanks Linette. I am planning to do that. I try to block him on my phone but he messages me from his computer to my phone. I will not respond ever again, but like you said, I feel bad about that because I do have feelings. I think about him all the time again because I broke the NC that I did so good with early on in the year. Jan 1 will be one year since I’ve seen him. I’m hoping that will be a turning point for me.
I would just suggest that you don’t even do as much as acknowledge his texts or messages. Don’t even say, “okay” or “don’t call me or get in touch with me” if you have already done so. ANY word from you is like an invitation to them. Even a SMILE from you is. Believe me, I was with several of them and the last one I was married to for 11 years. It was after him and found this site that I finally learned that you cannot deal with them. Period. When you feel weak, stop and think about what he’s done. Come here. Go to a friend, whatever it takes but do NOT answer him. It will better so much more quickly that way too. Someday, you will have room in your life for a healthy relationship and you’ll be so glad you gave this one up.
I had told him in Feb to never speak to me again and I ignored him after that but I did respond in June and Nov. So I feel as if I would need to at least say it once more if/when I hear from him again. Then I will ignore from now on. Why, why, will he not go away? I haven’t been with him in almost a year. Why can’t he move on to somebody else?
Can I say this gently? I believe (like me at one time) that you are making excuses to yourself about reasons you need to answer him. I am not saying it’s your intent consciously but unconsciously. If you have only talked to him that little in the past year, he will KNOW that you do not want anything to do with him. He is playing with you and keeping you “on the line” for fun. It sounds harsh and I know you think I don’t know the situation but I DO. I was the same exact way and when anyone told me I would rationalize things too. You are “withdrawing” from him and when he contacts you, you get a “fix” and it feels GREAT but remember it’s only for a fleeting moment in time. Remember how you feel the rest of the time, miserable for being sucked in once again. This is only advice. You are the one that has to make this happen. I just beg you to do it once and for all so you can not waste any more of your life on him.
I get what you are saying. I will try my hardest.
I just popped in after seeing this article in an email notification. I drop in from time to time to get a refresher. I suspect I will always do so, although my life has gotten so much better than it was just a few years back when divorcing my now ex-spath. At that time, this website was something I clung to as the only place where people understood what I was going through. I will always be so grateful for this site and the helpful people here! Without this, I would have carried on thinking I was nuts. My ex-spath is so good at convincing everyone around him what a wonderful man he is, including a couple of female marriage counselors we went to before the divorce. Few people have seen behind the mask.
We have a child together, so I must have contact, but I do my best to work around the personal texts and calls. After several years away from him, I am no longer tempted to return to him. The thought of it actually turns my stomach now. Of course he uses our daughter as much as he can to provoke me to increased contact. I’ve dealt with threats of custody battles (at the time of the divorce, he couldn’t have cared less and gave me full custody without even requesting visitation), his arbitrary decision to pay less than half of the court-ordered child support, his manipulation of our daughter into thinking that I’m a terrible mother (although I have little social life and no vices while he is a heavy drinker and sexaholic lol), etc.
Because of our daughter, he still has a way to try and torment me. Yet I’m at peace. I do get upset sometimes, because his manipulations affect my child. I struggle financially while he chooses when to pay child support and how much (I choose right now to ignore this as much as possible because he is trying to use it to trigger me). Yet I can come home each day to a calm house. I can enjoy my daughter’s company when she is with me. I can go where I want and do what I want whenever I want. There is no one here to torment me if I try to meet a friend for a movie or to follow me around the house telling me how worthless I am.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that, as this article states, I know my ex will never stop trying to contact me, although I’m sure it will be much less after our daughter is an adult (she’s 15). But after several years free from him, I enjoy my life and know that I would never want to be with him again. I see him for what he is: a shell of a human being attempting to fill his emptiness with the souls of others. For anyone still in the midst of it, take strength from those here who have escaped. It isn’t easy, but you’re worth it! God bless!
Mich,
I would like to add a little bit on to what Linette is trying to tell you. I was married for over 22 years to a sociopath. I spent years trying to figure him out.” The ups and downs, the roller coaster ride,the now it’s okay now it’s not. I thought this was like a normal marriage having it’s good times and bad times. The difference was the bad times were pretty damn bad. He was mean, he would call me names, there was no understanding and he was callous. He was flat out a bully! However, I was addicted to this push and pull because I so much waited for the good times to keep returning. It’s hard to admit because I think of myself as a smart woman, but I was addicted” Very addicted. I’m going to repeat that, I was addicted…..really really seriously addicted and I didn’t even know it. But I did know that I was really sick of the bad times and the meanness and the flat out sabotaging what should’ve just been a normal fine day. Now comes the important part. I finally got the courage to file for divorce and I told myself once I filed for divorce don’t turn back don’t withdraw, don’t pull out, stay the course. Luckily for me he was a total asshole during the divorce process, and I mean really mean. Lying lying lying and not playing fair quite openly. It was truly a gift that he did not try to be nice to me or try to come back, because even though I was strong enough to file for divorce I was still weak and would’ve fallen for a fake return of interest of much of any duration. There was some contact through emails text messages and some phone calls but they always turned out bad, really bad. It wasn’t until I got it in my head that I would never speak to him again that I finally got better.
I repeat, I never started truly feeling better about myself and finding happiness in life until I broke contact with him. He tried a few more emails as time went on but I never answered them. If they had any substance to them at all I addressed the issue through my attorney.
I am happier now than I’ve probably been in 12 years. I think I’m happy because I gave up hope that the relationship would ever truly work out. The hope that previously was called malignant hope on this website. It is malignant hope. And Me stuck in a truly dysfunctional messed up relationship that was never going to work- At least to my satisfaction. It was working out for him because he always had what he wanted.
Go no contact. It will open up freedom in your life and happiness that you never knew. I know it once seem like a foreign concept to me to to just never talk to someone again for the rest of your life but were talking a special personality type of person here, not the average person that we should have some compassion, love, or empathy for. Okay I’ll admit, that I have a little bit of compassion for him and how he grew up but I keep it to myself secretly. It was still his job at some point in life to figure out how to be a mature adult.
And if you really are addicted like I was, be prepared to feel weird, to seem like time has a different feel to it to lose weight or gain weight because you’re going to be filling that space with something else either thoughts or food” Something else has to start occupying that space in your head.
I read love fraud articles on a daily basis. I blogged it like a diary of my own to just purge him and all that he had done. I felt like I couldn’t think or function. I lost 30 pounds but I exercised every single day and I did things that felt happy as best as i could..tried to bring some joy into my life.
Go no contact. It will open up space in your life for happiness.
I wish you peace, happiness, and love in your life and it will happen if you get the people that are not good people out of your life.
I am almost 2 months no contact with my ex. I left our apartment in the middle of the night after he stormed out in one of his routine verbally abusive fits. I haven’t heard from him since. It has been one of the most heartbreaking and devestating experiences of my life. I got back together with him 3 times this was the final straw. Like Donna mentioned I feel thrown away like a used tissue. After everything we were to each other, all the promises, all the good times, gone. It’s been a struggle moving on. Every day is like wearing cement shoes. But I’m doing it and I feel better each day. This biggest hurdle for me is having no closure. But I know I will never get it from him. He doesn’t even realize he has a problem, its me and my family that has the problem. In the past he always returned, sometimes angry sometimes sorry. I loved him and wasn’t fully educated at the time about sociopaths so I allowed him back in. This third time crushed me the worst. The only closure I got ironically was from a psychic I went to last week. I walked in the room and she told me ” You made the right choice in leaving him, he is no good, he used you because it was exciting to him. He feels no remorse now, but he will be back very soon apologizing, you can’t go back be strong.” Ok universe I am listening to you this time!!!! lol
My question is- When they do return, and approach you face to face, on the spot, whats the best way to handle it? Whats the best thing to say? Of course if I receive a text or email there will be no contact. I know I have to move on, he is no good and would give me a miserable life.
I read somewhere that the best thing is to keep a poker face and reveal NOTHING. If you’re angry, or hurt or bitter – they know and that is their supply – that’s what they came looking for! So look ahead, not in their eyes, as if you’re a robot, listen to what they say and ask “is that all?” and walk away. I can tell you that if mine shows up, I will not answer the door. If I am approached, I will excuse myself “to use the ladies room” and escape out the back door, if possible. I’ll say to another person “may I speak to you privately please?” (if I know them) to get away. You don’t want to feed their desire for supply – they need to know they still affect your feelings, mood, etc. – once they get evidence of that, guess what? Your energy was sucked out of you and you’re discarded again. Let them guess what you’re feeling. Avoid them at all costs. Google narcissism – this is what you’re dealing with!
Yes. They want some kind of acknowledgement, any kind at all, even bad words or mean words or whatever. As long as they have ANY response, even a look on your face, they are happy because they know they still have a hold of some kind on you. I am so thankful for this site because I never would have known how to handle him otherwise. I am thankful we don’t have children together. The reason I didn’t leave church is that he was unable to attend due to the order of protection for 6 months and now he is slowly coming less and less. He has found a new young girl and has moved on for now at least. I am a little stubborn. I wasn’t going to let him bully me and run me off from my church I loved. Now I am TOTALLY over him so it doesn’t matter. It has taken a year and a half to get to this point though. Now I just think “jerk!!!” when I see him and go on. LOL
Good girl! I only mentioned it – not to judge you, at all – because so many of us NEED to NOT be anywhere near them because of the energy addiction. But that little lying voice in our heads, the one that needs the “fix” will lie and say we should run into them one day to burn them. My “narc” knew and will always know that I am lying if I act like I don’t care – he always saw right through me. They are better at this than us because it is instinct to them. When I recall how many times I cried to him, thinking my pain would invoke pity in him – I could KICK myself!!! I will not be in his presence voluntarily again. I pray that if I am, I see him before he sees me, so I can get away without him seeing me run and knowing it’s because I can’t handle his presence. Luckily, we don’t live near each other. I won’t even go to my next class reunion unless I hear via grapevine that he is dead before the comes. He already had 2 heart attacks so it is possible. Not that I wish it. Just sayin’ – if he’s alive and might go, I’m going to stay away.
Right now, let’s try to take care of you and leave the anticipation of contact/meeting with your “misery maker” on the back burner. Let’s try to help you feel a little lighter or a little more at ease through the healing.
1.) You are taking control of your life, thank God. You do have control over this relationship; actually, the final say of it because when you’re done with him, you’re done. Give yourself the pride you deserve for exiting. You know you could, if you tried, manipulate him back. You aren’t trying and Good for You! You are doing you a favor!
2.) If you need a fix/a reminder of how chaotic or incomprehensible it was, go for it. Just understand it’s one less day/month/year to have to go for your dreams.
3.) You did love him and you did it well. You now know about the sacrifice of love that will enable you to be a great partner to another who will not just appreciate that but give of himself in return. You will accept nothing less, right?
4.) He offended you and almost all of your sensibilities and that pretty incomprehensible, right? Because of who you really are,what had trespassed and for what he proclaimed. Weird and that’s just where to leave it: It weird you out because it was weird. Later, you will only remember some small snippets and they will just be facts without much of an emotional hook… Like anything else of your past. He will be remembered as just pretty odd.
5.) Get going to meet other guys normal. Of course, you’re not in the mood nor are you ready for a big connection but each regular guy will be a good comparison to the nut job you had. If you do a dating site, you get to socialize incognito for as long as you want and you can meet from the pick of the lot. Some of those picks will make you nostalgic but other’s will reinforce to you that he was weird. (I don’t know if you would have any interest/relevance with a rural fellow but if you would, FarmersOnly.com has a lot of real guys. They may be hayseed but, in general, they really are looking for a companion. And you gotta think the farmer type/men from the land are a more stable group given their work demands and aptitudes.)
6. Get that heart pumping in some kind of cardio to feel good about you and get the benefits of the calming endorphins.
7. When you have a stricken moment, set your timer for 30 minutes of doing stricken…. You won’t last the 30 minutes. You just won’t. But you will have concrete evidence that you really aren’t as swallowed up by the wretchedness as it felt like to you.
8. And as for the contact to come: Just buy some time to be in the best shape for it, including looking good. Be matter of fact, don’t try to reason (Impossible anyhow) and carry an air of boredom.
9. If you lose grip and return, the world isn’t going to come to an end. You’re just going to lose some time and add some memories. Eventually, you will detach. It would be great if you did so now but you will do it at some point. The cycle of this will shorten and shorten until it’s just too absurd. You probably won’t even get a really fine memory for the cycling.
10. Seek one person or entity that you can be absolutely honest with and will still support you…no matter how nutty you sound.
11. Be very kind to yourself, you have been traumatized and the strickeness you get is from the trauma of this. It’s norm. You’re doing this normally even though it’s hard.
Mich0101 – you truly are breaking an addiction. It’s not easy and we all know what you’re dealing with here. We have all done it. Just know that the ultimate outcome is the same – you will not have the life you thought you would with him, ever, and the longer it takes you to block him 100% with zero interaction, the more of your life is gone, waiting for that eventual outcome. I would have even changed churches, if I were Linette! I saw a post by mine to another woman last night and had such an angry reaction – I cannot be anywhere near this person whatsoever. He’s been texting me daily and I have not responded at all for over six months – so I had to block him. Because every contact puts my head into a spin “What is he feeling? what does he want? Does he miss me?..” the answer is IT DOESN’T MATTER. I only know whatever he’s trying to accomplish is only for his benefit, not mine. I can finally not respond without feeling bad. This is no different that fighting alcoholism or drug addiction. You’re not happy without it, it’s all you can think about, all you want – then you break down and pursue it or try “just a little” and it makes you sick and miserable because you backslid, undid the good work you just did by abstaining and it didn’t make you happy at all. Instead, you’re left feeling even more despondent over the weakness. Google Melanie Tonia Evans, she has an energy healing program for narcissistic injury and it helped me a lot. She endured what we have and used her training as a kinesiologist to help move that energy. Maybe read her site too online too. But don’t lie to yourself that you’re being rude if you don’t respond, that’s the trick your mind uses to get the fix of the addiction. They have no feelings, so they don’t hurt if you don’t respond. That’s you projecting how you would feel. They don’t. That’s why you’re on this website.
Ilidpatt-
The last message in your text was “spot on!” I can recall all the times I thought about what he must be feeling or how he would feel if he only knew. It would occupy a huge amount of space in my brain as I lived inside what I thought he’d feel.
What’s interesting about that dynamic, is that it’s us being empathetic. It’s us exhibiting the very character that is lacking in a “cluster B’s” personality.
They’re drawn to us because we have the capacity to project, forgive and relate, all of which they can misuse. We didn’t suspect that we were projecting, forgiving and relating to someone who had absolutely none of the humanity we gave them credit for in our ruminations.
When we continue that empathetic ruminating, it’s because the brain chemistry that glued us into the relationship, has yet to wane. It will with time and separation. It will faster if you put your mind to work doing something else you enjoy. And there’s nothing wrong with getting a prescription for an anti-depressant to help you stop ruminating.
I got over the loss of my ex without anti depressants. I was happy he was out of my life, despite the hardship he was able to throw at me over our son. The loss of my son, however, was a totally different story.
In looking back, I can see that if I’d taken anti depressants at the time of my breakup with my ex, it would have been easier to break away.
Joyce