I recently received an email from a Lovefraud reader who had only one question. It’s a question I hear frequently: Do sociopaths return?
The answer: Some of them don’t, but some of them do.
Many people who have been romantically involved with sociopaths experienced the sudden “devalue and discard.” One day the sociopath loves you. The next day the sociopath tosses you aside like a used tissue and walks away, without ever looking back.
As the person left behind, you may be in shock. You may have had no idea that your partner was unhappy. You may ask yourself, did I do something wrong? Why didn’t he or she say something? Can’t we work this out?
You are also astounded at the callousness of your partner’s behavior. All those statements of “I love you” and “we’re soul mates” — did they mean nothing? After all the time you spent together, and everything you’ve been through, how can this person just leave?
The answer may be that your former partner has drained all your resources, and there’s nothing left to take. Or your former partner has simply found a juicier target. Or your partner simply decides that he or she is bored. For whatever reason, you are no longer of any use, and the sociopath is gone.
If this person doesn’t return, consider yourself lucky.
The return
Sometimes the sociopath does return. They often have a sixth sense of when you may be receptive to hear from them. They just seem to know when your anger has subsided, or when you’re feeling lonely, or when you feel strong enough to be “just friends.”
Then, because they’ve spent so much time studying you, they know exactly what approach to use to hook you again.
They may proclaim their love, confessing that they never knew how much they truly loved you until you were gone.
They may apologize profusely, seeming to take responsibility for their heartless actions, while conveniently blaming something else, such as work stress or alcohol.
They may promise to go to counseling, or church, or rehab. Or, they say they’ve already been to counseling, church or rehab, and they’ve changed.
Or, they seduce you sexually.
Why do they return? Perhaps the “juicier target” has thrown them out and they have no place to go. Whatever the reason, they were able to manipulate you before, so they assume they’ll be able to manipulate you again.
Maintain No Contact
In numerous articles on Lovefraud, I’ve explained that to end an involvement with a sociopath, you must have No Contact with him or her.
If the sociopath returns after a period of time, your response should be the same: Maintain No Contact.
They may catch you off-guard by contacting you from a new phone number or e-mail address that you haven’t blocked. They may show up unannounced at your home or place of employment.
Do not fall for their apologies, excuses or professions of love.
Never forget: Once they are adults, sociopaths do not change. Sooner or later, the old games will start again, except they’ll be worse.
If a sociopath returns, do not let him or her back into your life.
Lov10 & Mich-When I started thinking about mine like an empty shell, like a hologram with pre-programmed messages, it helped me to stop responding. Everything they do or say is calculated. Everything has a selfish purpose. Their most compassionate, giving, magnanimous acts are actually targeted toward the payout for them. Unfortunately, it is not for you at all. It will seem so, because spaths are excellent at figuring out what you need to hear and what will make you feel loved and special. Sadly, it is a lie. I know it is difficult to fully believe, because we get addicted to the lovely ride. But with every great ascent there will be a terribly painful fall. They are emotional vampires. No matter how much we want them to turn out to be the one good vampire, it isn’t possible in their nature! Love yourself and realize your worth. We deserve REAL love, not the facade.
Funny you say that you starting thinking of your Spath like an empty shell. It has been a year since I found out the true side of my Spath. A week after finding out I started to google his behaviour towards me and came across this page. He is a Sociopath. About 2 months ago I saw a picture of him and he was so ugly to me. A shell. It has helped me so much. I haven’t been able to achieve NC but I feel like the fogginess in my head has started to go away.
Hang in there! Keep trying to achieve NC. You’ll feel so much more at peace. I understand exactly what you mean about the fogginess going away. Now he seems ugly to you. You’re starting to break the addiction. Good for you! The further you get away from him, the better you’ll feel, until one day you’ll realize you never want that negativity in your life again.
Thank you all for your responses and advice. I was here earlier in the year and managed to stay NC until the summer. After coming back here, I know that I need to not respond, no matter what. I need to get my life back.
You are absolutely right. They have no feelings or remorse. If you don’t respond or engage in any communication the only thing they feel is probably anger. Because a narcissist hates being ignored or rejected. They put themselves above everyone and it is an insult to them when we don’t pay attention to them. They hate the feeling of being made worthless. Do they get sad or hurt about it? No because they lack those emotions. I have educated myself about this disorder and this knowledge helps me to better recover. I stopped asking myself why did he to this to me? You will never get an explanation or a closure. After you were discarded you are nothing to them. I don’t share any minor children with my soon to be ex. I cannot imagine how difficult it would be if there were children involved and I really feel the pain.My divorce is a nightmare with myson being 19 as it is. He makes up lies about me, diagnoses me with various mental illnesses, and files injunctions against me. He can do this because he is a police officer. My attorney told me “don’t worry “. I try to stay strong for my son. At least I took the first step towards sanity and peace and that’s signing my petition to end this nightmare.
When you’ve fallen into the trap of the spath’s chaos circus and merry-go-round, it’s sometimes hard to imagine how you might get out, much less how the heck you got there in the first place!
It was all so easy to be lured into their world as they pulled their hooking behaviors on you, then after they’ve got to know your patterns and vulnerabilities, they pull the trauma bonding routines to give you dissonance but also magnetize you to their energy fields.
Their energy fields clearly spin in the direction of dissipating energy in their flamboyant displays of narcissistic behavior, and though you may be captivated by their drama, it is, in fact, wasting your time and wasting your life.
I did a type of objective energy analysis on the disordered person’s behavior patterns. They seem busy quite often, but their system always seems to lose energy…it is an open system.
A closed system would tend to build energy: good feelings, great times, better futures based in better visions and carried through with integrity, honesty, transparancy and accountability. This is the concept we might hold of that great marriage we all hope for!
The disordered person is like an open system where the sum total of all the energy put in is lost via the apertures that drain the energy away from the generating influences.
That’s why they might make you feel good while you’re spinning on their carnival rides, but when the show stops, your money is gone, the good times stop rolling and you’re all alone, often scared and wet and tired from the circus that’s just happened but has now “wrapped up and left town”.
Was it fun? Sometimes. Did it leave you wanting in the end, with you always trying to chase whatever tool they employed to control you? Always.
Recognize you’ve been “played”…very, very badly by a person who *doesn’t care*!!!
The ways that I’ve got past the trauma bonding and the hooks and tools of control (one of which is a lot of money that he *stole* from me… Yes, fraud and using deception to get money from someone with no intention of ever paying it back is STEALING!!) is to make copious lists that help me to organize my thoughts and know what’s real.
The crazy-making/gaslighting that they pull on you is enough to make you question your own reality and feel unsure of what’s real. So, first, list what’s real to you and what you plan to do about it.
I started to journal my feelings and experiences as they contemporaneously rolled by. I figured I could move on and forget the minor incidents at the time and compare notes when I had more information. I prepared to have more information in the future. I was on an information gathering task–which is appropriate for any interaction you might undertake with a marginally unknown entity.
The strange occurances that he would deny were cataloged. The time and date stamping of all the weirdness seemed kind of unnecessary at times because I thought, “Well, maybe I am imagining this all…” But no, I wasn’t imagining anything!
My impressions of his behavior were more accurate that I could have possibly known! He pings as a complete and bonafide psychopath (based on my clinical background and personal observations applied to the analytical tools to assess this sort of thing).
He hid his secret life very well. He hid his “harem” very well. I was the “cause” for all his “problems” (even though I’d only known him for 2 years!). One of his real definitive “tells” is the very interesting “duper’s delight” where a micro expression of glee at pulling one over on the target is observable—by the target–if we are very clever to watch and take notice!
I listed and cataloged. As the body of bad behavior built up into incontrovertable proof of disordered behavior patterns and outright manipulation, I used this as a tool to remind myself *why I didn’t want to be around this person*!!!!!
These disordered personalities do not really have a clear identity which separates them from another. Once they glom-on to you, they envelop you and they begin to feel as though they are attached to you on a very basic level…which is the energy drain mechanism, really.
It’s through these very basic levels that they return to rehook you into their carnival ride-life…These scary clowns… Luring you with bait then slapping you down when you’ve taken the attractive bait. And, you’re back at the bottom of the well, wondering how you got there again!
That’s why No Contact is *so, so, SO* important!!
They are called “Socio”-paths for a reason!
They make their way through life, being a parasite and *being sociable* (more or less as they fade from schmoozer to creep)!!
When they return, all your bad memories, feelings and stressors are wrong!!–in their eyes and descriptions, if you’ll notice.
Their disorder allows them to feel no separation from their targets…that’s why they return… In their mind, you are part of them.
So, in order for you to break free of their *Carnival of Horrors*, you must fully recognize that they are *Separate* from you!! They left, they buggered off, they goofed and played you, they made your life into a chaotic stress hole of dissipating energy… And it’s up to you to get a grip, get control of your time and your life, be strong, stand up to their manipulations (thank you to Donna for this great website of information on how to do all this!!)…and live better!!
And, then, if and when they return to you for their refreshing dose of Narcissistic Supply… You are …gone… No contact, Grey Rock, Super Boring… Nothing they can say or do can get your attention… NOTHING.
If they return, even in your mind, Darlings… >>>No Contact.
“Don’t Feed The Psychopaths!!”
(I love that line!)
Here’s another quick little mind tool to help you get past their hook on you: You want to mindfully stop referring to the disordered individual as “my spath” or “my ex-spath” or “my” anything!! You must disown them and make a clear break even in your own descriptions of them as most definitely NOT in any way a part of your life.
You see, when you describe them in any way as “my” this or that, you are making a type of subconscious connection in your mind. This… you want to stop.
As you make your break from them, you might want to rather think of ways to describe them that say things like, “that disordered person who targeted me”, or, “the anti-social person who acted in disordered ways that did the blah-blah and so and so…”
Remind yourself that they are most definitely NOT a part of your best life. Do not have “ownership” of them in any way. Let them be a totally peripheral thing that is away from you; that you can ignore them enough to blow them off–but remember only enough to know they are Bad News!! Really, Babe, they don’t care about you, so STOP CARING ABOUT THEM!!
And, then, in your moments of clarity about all this, find out what makes you happy and go do that! Be creative! Make art! Dance! Write! Draw, paint, do yoga, become proficent in a creative endeavor and go be fantastic in this world!
Close up your energy field and start building up your energy and creating the most wonderful and fantastic world you can possibly imagine!
It might seem that doing that and being a Grey Rock are mutually exclusive, but no worry! You are smart and able and you can do this!!
So, if they ever return–and they will want to once they see you being fantastic again!–bring out your tool box that you’ve put together to maintain No Contact…and go live a great and worthwhile life!!
Wishing Everyone Peaceful and Blest Holidays!!
Whoa – this is just brilliant, Hinahina!!! Holy smokes, everyone- if you have not read that entire post, stop what you’re doing and ABSORB, at a cellular level, every single word! I just referred to him as “my ‘narc'” – LAST TIME EVER that I refer to him as “my” anything! THANK YOU!
Last month stalker was granted a parole hearing. I wrote a statement to read at the hearing. My husband was proof-reading it for me when he commented that I should change my wording from “stalker” to “my stalker”. I said no, I refuse to refer to him as “my” anything.
He immediately understood and dropped it.
Stalker was denied parole, for now.
I recently met a sociopath. He was brilliant. If I had not been reading on lovefraud I would not have seen what was up. In fact Donnas new book “Red Flags” is now one of my favorite books.
He really just dropped out of even trying to act caring. I sometimes still reel when I feel the emotions that shocked me to the core. They lurk online. I met him online. And there are more of them out there! Be careful everyone!!
It is easy to play nice long enough to get you involved with them. And yes he wanted to return. My comment was, so if you cared about me, why did you never call me in three months??/ I was just trying to play back on the stupid type of logic he has. So there it is…. they are liars and players. Just do no allow yourself to be played.
In the end I actually think something demonic was afoot. I had to pray to remove the negative presence which I realized was making me miss this jerk. Why would you miss someone who just uses you??
mshorsegirl – I am now inclined to agree with you, to some extent. Every time something good and positive seems about to happen, he reaches out to me – as if trying to tempt me back to the negative energy and “dark side” and I started praying to the Archangel Michael, to help keep me safe from that influence! The Universe, or God – whichever you choose to believe, has given me COUNTLESS pieces of evidence that when I put him and the negativity out of my life – good things happen, good luck and money come my way, etc., and when I am in touch with him, my good luck and opportunities disappear! The last time he texted, I prayed and said (to myself in prayer) “I do care about you and pray for you. Guardian Angel, please go to his Guardian Angel and you two bitches hug it out- but I’m staying away from that human for the rest of this lifetime, to keep myself safe and sane! Amen.”!
I’ve been on this site since May, and for the most part I do believe my ex is a sociopath. Is there a list of the characteristics that you can check off and figure out? Are there degrees of this disorder?
Because my ex was VERY remorseful. But he never changed. He kept begging forgiveness and I did for a long time. In my divorce agreement it states that he is to have zero contact with me or anyone related to me (we don’t have children together). Yet, 4 months into the finalized divorce he calls and leaves a voice message (first contact since divorce), telling me how sorry he is, thanks me for “imparting wisdom” into his life and apologizes for any inconvenience he’s left me with (I signed a pre-nupt and got ZERO & have had to start over financially with 91 cents in my bank account as of April). He ends the call with “well I guess I’ll talk to you later”. What do I make of this? I certainly won’t be returning the call. It “happened” to be our wedding anniversary the day of the call. Did he do this on purpose, waiting to call me on that day? Thinking I’d be sentimental about it? Honestly I didn’t even remember (sign of healing) that it WAS that day, nor thought about him at all. A friend of mine pointed it out to me. LOL What do you think of it?
Check the “Explaining Sociopaths” link above. The person does not have to be a complete sociopath, but could have other personality disorders as well.
These comments are so helpful. Someone said “all of his texts and emails ended in the same bad way”. I experienced exactly the same. He used to have so much control over me with sending a text if email just to get a reaction out of me . His most favorite one was “you know I did not leave for another woman. I left because you are a crazy, psycho bitch.” All while he was having an affair with the co worker. Reading those texts and emails made me cry, weak an sad. And the I found this website. I already knew he was a narcissist but lovefraud opened my eyes completely. All of a sudden I saw everything in writing. I filed for divorce and went no contact. It was the ONLY way I would not let him get to me. Oh yes he is mean and lying in this divorce. But I know what I am dealing with. It makes a huge difference. When I last saw him in the courtroom for the injunction he tried to get against me, I only felt pity for this man. No he is not a man , I call him evil creature. Strange how 20 years of loving him turned into nothing. No hate, no sorry feelings, just nothing . I knew then that I would be ok. I know he is a deputy but he is not going to bully me anymore like I am some criminal. He tries his best but it just doesn’t work anymore. Those times are over. I am in control now and nothing he can do will change this. I am not sad or dissappointed anymore. I am completely done with him. Thanks to all of you for your honest stories. Without this website I would not be where I am now.
to Brightest:
In addition to what others have mentioned about why Sociopaths return to the scene of the crime, I would add that as people get older, it becomes significantly more difficult to form new friendships. Women in their 30s, 40s and 50s are often overwhelmed with family responsibilities, and most guest lists for social events large and small are controlled by women. The women don’t have the time or the desire to expand their social circle, and their husbands don’t care one way or another.
Because of this dynamic, the sociopath who moved from one social circle to the next fairly easily from his teens to his mid-30s often gets “stuck” at that point. Most “normal” people have formed a small, stable social circle at that point, and the sociopath may have trouble accessing the type of women that he is interested in. (e.g. Good looking with her own income & assets, and no children unless he’s a molester.) By age 35, a guy can’t keep talking about his tremendous potential. If he doesn’t have any income or assets, it gets harder and harder to hide or explain away those facts as he gets older.
Your ex may try to come back into your life anytime he is between lovers, or he may just be checking up on you to see if you have won the lottery, inherited money, gotten a large insurance settlement, etc. He may also be interested in having a “good relationship” with his ex, as that may make him more attractive to potential new victims. My ex loved to point out to his new girlfriends that his marriage had lasted twelve years — so obviously he was stable and “marriageable.” ha! Years later, I talked to his second wife — her marriage was every bit as bad as mine had been. I never met Wife #3, but she declined to attend his funeral, so maybe that marriage wasn’t too good either.
Another factor with my ex was that he was envious of people who were genuinely likable and had close friendships and a circle of people that they socialized with on a regular basis. He called people he went to high school and college with from time to time, but nobody ever called him. He could meet people while traveling, etc., and form a superficial relationship, but he was so annoying that nobody could deal with him for long. I was a teenager when I met him, and we married six weeks later. He told me afterwards that he was afraid that if we had had a long engagement, I would not have married him. And he was right.
Your ex may be calling you because his relationship with you was one of the most significant relationships he ever had, even though it may have been a miserable relationship for you. He doesn’t care how miserable you were. He doesn’t have any real friends to talk to, so he’ll talk to you if he can. You are one of the few people he knows that he has any kind of shared history with.
If he can convince you to have some kind of relationship with him, then maybe in the future there will be favors large, medium or small that you can do for him. For the immediate future, he may hope to “neutralize” you by convincing you that he wasn’t all that bad, so that you won’t sabotage his career or future marriage prospects.
He called you on your anniversary because he hoped that you would be lonely and willing to talk to him.
Once a user, always a user. The very fact that he is calling you when there is a court order to prevent it tells you all you need to know: he is special, and the rules don’t apply to him. He is “always remorseful” but he left you with 91 cents in your bank account. You have started rebuilding your life — don’t let this guy back in. Every time he tries to convince you that deep, deep, deep down inside, he has always cared about you, remember that bank account with the 91 cents.
Wise, wise words, “DfG”! My close gf said the same thing to me – we met at our 30th hs reunion and there aren’t that many opportunities to meet new victims for him since his social circles are established. I know exactly why he’s reaching out and what he needs from me, so I harbor no delusions regarding whether he misses me or loves me. It’s a wonderful feeling, to finally not be in constant, chronic heartache over this thing. All of you who still suffer greatly, please know you’re in my prayers. You’ll get there, have faith!
Maybe it will brighten someone’s day to know that you can succeed against these robotic, evil users. Mine was a 26 year marriage, and I suddenly found that he’d been a fraud from the day I met him. Endless sex with hookers and affairs the entire time. I know some of you will relate to this feeling: I feel like no one can understand quite how crazy he is, because they were not in my house to hear the endless words of deep devotion and love, the great sex for years, the hours each day we spent in quality time together, the way he held my hand everywhere we went, and how he always had a mantra: “No one in this world really matters to me, except you and the kids.” (An explanation for why he was so anti-social.) When I suddenly realized what he was, he was a person I didn’t know at all.
Being taught No Contact from sites like this helped me survive. Within a short time after I ended the marriage, he broke into my home, and many worse things. I got a Domestic Violence Protection Order and he went nuts. He was jailed for violating it, repeatedly. He sent a friend to stalk my home when I went out to dinner, I caught it on video, and I had that guy arrested for trespassing (I’d told him not to come on my property.)
I saved every communication with him (email, text, and recorded all convos) and also with any of his family/friends who contacted me.
I have my home under video surveillance and I recorded every phone call from the day we split, plus every conversation with him. These are the tips that SAVE you in court battles.
The result? My DVPO was extended for 3 years, I have defeated him soundly in court every time we’ve gone (about 14 times so far), and I was just granted permanent, sole custody with no visitation and no contact.
I didn’t even know what a DVPO was when I sought it. No Contact is the best gift you can ever give yourself. It has been 2 years and his atty still tries to get me to have a relationship with him. Ha! Never again.
Maybe someone can glean something useful from my story…and maybe it will give someone some hope. I have never worked so hard in my life, as I have fighting this legal battle, but it is so worth it.
All I can say is bravo!! I could’ve written your first paragraph. he used to say “no one is more pro-you than I am.” He never abused me verbally or otherwise. Swore endless devotion. But not only was he messing around with other women and men – he was raping and sodomizing the kids. People remarked what a great father he was because he took then EVERYWHERE with him and even convinced me to home-school while I went on with my degree in another city. The truth was – he didn’t want them out of his sight and knew he could control them better because they had no escape. The damage has been horrific. I didn’t find out until 14 yrs too late. In a single day the family exploded and then the terror started. The ex supplied drugs for so many of the young people in my town that he had his own private little army of lost souls to do his bidding. It was truly terrifying, but I got out and won my freedom and my company back and my livelihood. It’s been 3.5 yrs of zero contact with him, his son ( a Jr spath) and my own son who undoubtedly devastated by the abuse and the betrayal comforts himself with drugs and refuses to speak to me or the sister that finally blew the whistle. Life smells sweet again, but the damage can never be fixed.