I recently received an email from a Lovefraud reader who had only one question. It’s a question I hear frequently: Do sociopaths return?
The answer: Some of them don’t, but some of them do.
Many people who have been romantically involved with sociopaths experienced the sudden “devalue and discard.” One day the sociopath loves you. The next day the sociopath tosses you aside like a used tissue and walks away, without ever looking back.
As the person left behind, you may be in shock. You may have had no idea that your partner was unhappy. You may ask yourself, did I do something wrong? Why didn’t he or she say something? Can’t we work this out?
You are also astounded at the callousness of your partner’s behavior. All those statements of “I love you” and “we’re soul mates” — did they mean nothing? After all the time you spent together, and everything you’ve been through, how can this person just leave?
The answer may be that your former partner has drained all your resources, and there’s nothing left to take. Or your former partner has simply found a juicier target. Or your partner simply decides that he or she is bored. For whatever reason, you are no longer of any use, and the sociopath is gone.
If this person doesn’t return, consider yourself lucky.
The return
Sometimes the sociopath does return. They often have a sixth sense of when you may be receptive to hear from them. They just seem to know when your anger has subsided, or when you’re feeling lonely, or when you feel strong enough to be “just friends.”
Then, because they’ve spent so much time studying you, they know exactly what approach to use to hook you again.
They may proclaim their love, confessing that they never knew how much they truly loved you until you were gone.
They may apologize profusely, seeming to take responsibility for their heartless actions, while conveniently blaming something else, such as work stress or alcohol.
They may promise to go to counseling, or church, or rehab. Or, they say they’ve already been to counseling, church or rehab, and they’ve changed.
Or, they seduce you sexually.
Why do they return? Perhaps the “juicier target” has thrown them out and they have no place to go. Whatever the reason, they were able to manipulate you before, so they assume they’ll be able to manipulate you again.
Maintain No Contact
In numerous articles on Lovefraud, I’ve explained that to end an involvement with a sociopath, you must have No Contact with him or her.
If the sociopath returns after a period of time, your response should be the same: Maintain No Contact.
They may catch you off-guard by contacting you from a new phone number or e-mail address that you haven’t blocked. They may show up unannounced at your home or place of employment.
Do not fall for their apologies, excuses or professions of love.
Never forget: Once they are adults, sociopaths do not change. Sooner or later, the old games will start again, except they’ll be worse.
If a sociopath returns, do not let him or her back into your life.
Very good points in your post, Divorced from a Gaslighter, I agree with your observation that aging without real connections to real friendships has them in the end starved for new supply, (to paraphrase).
Mine returned, and I let him reel me back in. With hindsight-(I am now 5 years NC other than court) I believe that he came back for some of the reasons Divorced mentioned, and because I was just a prop anyhow.
It didn’t really matter who the prop would be, but he needs one, and I was all trained and broken in. Cheaper, easier to play his games from that same comfortable chair. Could still preten d to be long time stable, happily married family man. Why waste it?
And why did I let him reel me back in? Probably because it was preferable to realizing that I had been that wrong and that blind for 27 years. I wanted to see his redeeming qualities. I would have preferred to be wrong about him.
We went back to the same pantomime for almost a year, before the mask finally slipped. I hit the history button, on his computer, innocently enough, (which tells you how naïve and trusting I still was), and then all hell broke loose. Everything that I had been scratching my head about fell into place and made sense. As ugly as that sense might have been.
On another thread about “was he trying to destroy me?” the writer states that in the end she felt nothing. I can so relate, nor did I. How can you feel anything for a person that was a mirage, a hologram? All you can do is sort through your memories and save the ones where at least you were being sincere. Which is likely all of them.
The other reason that moves us to take them back, I think, is the urge, as useless as it might be, to FIX.
What I have come to realize is that they are not broken, they are made that way. They do not see themselves as broken, and if you follow the money you will see that they pretty much rule the world, while causing most of it’s misery on the way through.
One of the last conversations I had with him he said “thank you, I have learned a lot about the way the world works from you” which came from me railing against the psychopathic corporate environment we live in. I realized then that I had made him feel like he was on the right side of history when I about the systemic exploitation of all that is natural.
I thought it was great that he heard me on all this stuff–little knowing that I was FEEDING him on the successes of his peers.
Just remember that this person who you have been dealing with will fail this test. What was the basis? Ah Ha! No basis for any discussion we ever had. Then you get to find out you’ve been applying logic and rationality to an illogical and irrational situation. Run like hell when you get to that and dont bring it to them, shooting yourself in the foot one more time, or your life will get far worse than it is right now.
Everytime I read a comment here it reminds me of SOMETHING I had forgotten about THE exspath (not mine anymore 🙂 ) We had gone to talk to our pastor because the spath wanted to fool him into thinking I was the crazy one. Thankfully I was ready for him because we had been apart for a bit and I was starting to “see” him for what he truly is. After it was over, he stopped me in the parking lot and asked if I could counsel him once a week. WHA….? Sure, I’ll counsel him in how to better take advantage of the next woman and make her miserable. He emphasized he didn’t want me back but he “valued” my counseling ability. I said no of course. After that, the miserable divorce battle began. He never once asked me to come back which was fine because I had long since learned to despise him and that part was easy for me. I never missed him, not once. Like many of you, realizing that the past 11 years had never been “real” at all knocked me for a loop. It was like a hologram, someone who wasn’t really there, an illusion with the power I gave him to make me suffer and question myself and he felt absolutely NOTHING. Thanks everyone for being here. I just can’t tell you enough what you all mean to me.
My ex LOVED to travel. People who are on vacation are more open to having long conversations with people they’ve never met before, socializing with people they’ve just met, etc. For brief periods of time, he could have the kind of social life he dreamed of having. He dressed well, and was educated, so he could pretend that he was a huge success, and people he had just met had no idea about the massive debts, etc.
A lot of sociopaths love to travel for the adventure, and to see new sights, and so did my ex husband, but he also liked the shallow, short-term relationships that travel made possible.
How interesting. The first thing my husband did after I was discarded was taking the mistress/co worker on a cruise and camping trip. He never liked to travel with me. I did not meet his so called standard anymore. He said I was too old, fat and boring. I weigh about 130 pounds. My hair got too short and I just “did not look ext to him anymore”. How shallow and selfish these sociopaths are. He returned a few times at the beginning telling my son that he had to leave me because I am “mentally ill and unstable”. Just lies to justify his affair and involvement with the other deputy. I always thought my husband was narcissitic and arrogant. In truth my marriage counselor told me “no, he is a sociopath” and you need do get a divorce before he kills you. I didn’t listen to her but eventually I was discarded after 20 years . I stood up for myself and filed for divorce in July. There is no contact with him since almost 7 months now. My son and don’t want him or need him in our life. He can be “free” and happy. He can have all the mistresses he wants, all the porn and all the sex. I always thought we are not good and worthy enough for him. In reality he is not good enough for us.
Good for you Kaya!
Shallow is probably the best way to describe the attachment of someone who is morally disordered. They lack the depth of emotion that constitutes a meaningful, loving relationship. And they’re capable of taking on a different persona with people they meet.
Fleeting relationships engaged-in during travel enable them to take on any personality they please. And they’ll do so to impress the new acquaintance. It’s amazing how quickly they can size the person up, and mold themselves to fit.
When our son was born, two of our “friends” came to visit at the same time. Each one of those folks had a totally different image of him than the other. One was a work relationship, the other a friendship from our vacation home. He’d established his image differently to both of them, after all, with a hundred miles between them, there was little likelihood that they’d meet. It was amazing to see him try to manage being two personalities at the same time. He quickly recognized it was impossible and said some rude things to one of them in order to get him to leave. The other relationship was the more important one.
Gary, the guy he offended, was baffled. My ex sought him out later to give him a lame excuse for what he’d done. It’s amazing how they can change their spots. Even though he’d deemed Gary less important, he still needed him, so he mended the fence and maintained the relationship until he simply didn’t need him any longer.
Their relationships are solely based on what they need, including the esteem of people they fool. There’s a poem in my book that pretty much sums it up. It’s called “Predatory Path.” Here’s the last stanza:
“As enlightenment dodges recent eyes that you’ve mated,
Who envision you’re gold, though you’re just fools-gold plated.
A new notch for your belt, a recipient for your lies,
Naïve, unsuspecting victims; will they ever become wise?”
Joyce
Katareaux
Yes we can cry “tears of joy” that we survived. Yes, my son is so more outgoing, social and happy since his “father” is out of our life. Like you, we can make jokes, laugh and just be silly without getting a “lecture” how to act properly. We were always walking on eggshells. And also it feels great not to worry about being lied to anymore. I don’t have to cry myself to sleep thinking who he is cheating with now. You know I accepted what happened to me and my son, ACCEPTANCE MEANS FREEDOM. I feel so empowered and for the first time in over 20 years I can truly be myself. The other day my son and I went to a banquet dinner at his college where he was being honored for great academic achievement (he still lives with me and commutes to college daily). We had such a blast. We were able to talk to other students and their parents and we felt “free”. Free of his criticism and constant downgrading us. We did not have to worry about if we were”good enough” for him to be seen in Public with us. It is such a big difference. I told my attorney that I need to have a no contact rule in my final divorce papers where it states that he is not to contact me in any way for the rest of my life 🙂 I smiled when I told him that. 8 months ago I sat in his office crying about my “lost” marriage. Thank you Katareaux for showing me that I am not the only one going through this nightmare.
Wow, your ex’s new girlfriend is 19 and already pregnant. He sure did not waste anytime moving on. I am sure they enjoy their misery as much as my soon to be ex and his little co worker. Do I feel sorry for her? That’s one thing I don’t feel because they are both nothing to me.
Alicia-
Many of us are in a situation that demands our interaction with the offender. Some are in business together, attend the same church or have children in common. If you don’t have such a tie, get him out of your life with NC. If that’s not the case, there’s another behavior which will help you minimize your interaction and keep your emotions intact.
Predator’s look for a rise from you. They have “control” issues and want you to react. They don’t care whether you react positively or negatively- as long as you react. Deprived of an emotional reaction, they will get bored and find other excitement. Even though they may do something to enrage you, your best weapon is a calm bearing.
If you have an attorney, let them do the talking for you. Often an offender will try to skirt around the protections you establish. If they do so, simply listen, say “Are you done,” and walk away. All responses should go through your attorney, or a third party, not you. If they demand an answer, simply say, “You’ll hear from my attorney,” or state the name of the other designated party you set up for interfacing with him.
If it’s about the children or a business matter, try to carry on the minimum discussion that is absolutely unavoidable by email. Don’t embellish, the more monosyllabic your responses, the better. You’ll sometimes hear this behavior referred to as “gray rock.”
Joyce
Thank you for explaining what “grey rock” means. I agree so much with you about having no interaction with him. I feel so much stronger hearing his threats and insults from my attorney than from him. This way they are “filtered” and cannot hurt me anymore. And also I react totally different when my attorney tells me those insults rather than my sociopath husband. But he still tries to blackmail and aggravate me even through his attorney. But it is so ridiculous that sometimes my attorney and I have to laugh about it. Before the no contact I would cry, shake and react in a hurt way and that only satisfied his distorted mind. Now nothing can go directly from him to me because he has no way to contact me. He used to try to get a reaction out of me by contacting my son but he never responded to any of his insanities. My son is not a minor so this worked out very well. We want to keep our peace and so far we are doing great at it. I know there will be times ahead when I do have to face him in court and I will do my best to let my attorney do the talking. I will remain calm and pulled together. My soon to be ex is just waiting for me to have some kind of a “meltdown” which he can use against me. I am in control now and with the help and support of my attorney I will remain in control. The times where he stomped me into the ground are long gone. :).
I learned about the technique dubbed Grey Rock from another website which is dedicated to assisting people in the process of distancing themselves from sociopaths and psychopaths. The website is called 180rule.
http://180rule.com/
It is helpful in coaching you how to become that so unfascinating Grey Rock!!
Good for you Kaya! It’s good to have someone advocating for you. Before you were alone dealing with his issues. It’s wonderful that you have someone on your side!
I understand what you mean about laughing with your attorney at his antics. The last day we were in court, my extremely dapper and elegant, soon-to-be ex, came in dressed like a pauper. Just to point out the absolute absurdity of it, he had been a merchandise manager for an upscale men’s clothing manufacturer. In fact, it was the company that Rock Hudson bought all his suits from. As you can imagine, he had an prodigious assortment of beautifully tailored suits.
He was wearing a pair of corduroy jeans and a flannel shirt in court that day. Joe, my attorney, noticed he wasn’t wearing a belt. He looked at me quizzically and shrugged “no belt?” I realized that the reason he had no belt on was that he didn’t own one without a gold buckle. It would have diminished his believability factor as a poor, unemployed, homeless man.
We cracked up so hard, tears were coming down my cheeks.
Best-
Joyce