I recently received an email from a Lovefraud reader who had only one question. It’s a question I hear frequently: Do sociopaths return?
The answer: Some of them don’t, but some of them do.
Many people who have been romantically involved with sociopaths experienced the sudden “devalue and discard.” One day the sociopath loves you. The next day the sociopath tosses you aside like a used tissue and walks away, without ever looking back.
As the person left behind, you may be in shock. You may have had no idea that your partner was unhappy. You may ask yourself, did I do something wrong? Why didn’t he or she say something? Can’t we work this out?
You are also astounded at the callousness of your partner’s behavior. All those statements of “I love you” and “we’re soul mates” — did they mean nothing? After all the time you spent together, and everything you’ve been through, how can this person just leave?
The answer may be that your former partner has drained all your resources, and there’s nothing left to take. Or your former partner has simply found a juicier target. Or your partner simply decides that he or she is bored. For whatever reason, you are no longer of any use, and the sociopath is gone.
If this person doesn’t return, consider yourself lucky.
The return
Sometimes the sociopath does return. They often have a sixth sense of when you may be receptive to hear from them. They just seem to know when your anger has subsided, or when you’re feeling lonely, or when you feel strong enough to be “just friends.”
Then, because they’ve spent so much time studying you, they know exactly what approach to use to hook you again.
They may proclaim their love, confessing that they never knew how much they truly loved you until you were gone.
They may apologize profusely, seeming to take responsibility for their heartless actions, while conveniently blaming something else, such as work stress or alcohol.
They may promise to go to counseling, or church, or rehab. Or, they say they’ve already been to counseling, church or rehab, and they’ve changed.
Or, they seduce you sexually.
Why do they return? Perhaps the “juicier target” has thrown them out and they have no place to go. Whatever the reason, they were able to manipulate you before, so they assume they’ll be able to manipulate you again.
Maintain No Contact
In numerous articles on Lovefraud, I’ve explained that to end an involvement with a sociopath, you must have No Contact with him or her.
If the sociopath returns after a period of time, your response should be the same: Maintain No Contact.
They may catch you off-guard by contacting you from a new phone number or e-mail address that you haven’t blocked. They may show up unannounced at your home or place of employment.
Do not fall for their apologies, excuses or professions of love.
Never forget: Once they are adults, sociopaths do not change. Sooner or later, the old games will start again, except they’ll be worse.
If a sociopath returns, do not let him or her back into your life.
Hi LF people,
I have no one to talk to about this “Do Sociopaths Return” topic other than you all, the LF people who understand what I am talking about.
I’ve been 7 days No Contact. He returned tonight. Twice. He knocked on the front door and then the back door, back and forth a few times, then sat in his idling car outside of my patio gate (so I would run out to greet him before he DRIVES AWAY! I’m sure)
We don’t have children or business ties. I can move to another part of town even though it will cost me hundreds for a rental deposit. I don’t seem to care about $$ right now in regards to getting this man away from me.
I am having a problem fighting what I now know is the addiction to him, albeit a sick addiction. One minute I am relieved that I won’t have to deal with his disorder and the next minute I feel like I lost someone important.
I know it will get easier to deal with the reality of having been abused by a sociopath once I have much more NO CONTACT under my belt and the so called FOG lifts, but what I don’t know is this:
WHEN WILL HE STOP RETURNING TO MY MIND?
After I move, these two things will happen- 1-he won’t know where I am and 2-I won’t be sitting in my home worried that he will show up at any minute.
Can anyone tell me if my numbers 1 and 2 will help me feel better sooner rather than later?
He keeps coming back.
My head is spinning. When do they give up and leave us the hell alone?
What I am most afraid of is his “return” to my thoughts.
Jenni Marie
Jenni Marie:
To properly decathect from a noxious person, especially in your mind, you must focus on the good things in your life that bring you good feelings and joy. You must also process your collection of feelings about the disordered person you are working to distance yourself from.
I used as many tools as I could find and create in order to put the disordered person out of my life. One of those tools was another great website I found which is written by a young man who studied engineering and social work. He has a practical approach to life and though his native language is Egyptian, he writes in English (yes, you’ll find the grammatical oopsies, but the knowledge is soliid).
It’s quite a well-visited site, 2knowmyself,
http://www.2knowmyself.com/10_ways_to_get_over_a_breakup_fast
And his work may help you move on, especially in your mind!
Be well, Hun, and take good care!
While we’re on the subject of web sites, I’ve created a blog to help people understand the crime in rape by fraud and emotional rape. It enables victims to report the factual information of predators who defrauded them of their sexual sanctity or their highest emotion, which is love. It also contains state by star information on the crimalality of rape by fraud in various states. You can access the blog at http://www.CADalert.blogspot.com.
If you have been victimized, please report the information. You can do so anonymously. The larger the database gets, the more people will take this problem seriously.
JmS
Jenni marie, only you can answer the question of whether moving will help you distance yourself mentally and emotionally from the sociopath. A lot of it also depends on the sociopath himself – whether he is the type who will go away after being ignored for a month or two or whether he will find your new address and stalk you there, too. It takes a lot of energy and resources to move, change your phone number and email address. For some people, it’s the only way and the best way. If you think he might be dangerous, this is a really good reason to move – even out of state.
Breaking an addiction is not fun and it’s not easy. It will hurt and the pain is difficult. But it’s REAL, which is more than can be said about a relationship with a sociopath. Eventually you will feel better and you will be able to move on. Stay strong. You can get to the other side of this.
Jenni marie
Like stargazer said it is very difficult to break free. But if you enforce the no contact you will soon discover how “free” you will feel. My soon to be ex helped me tremendously by discarding us. At first I was devastated but now I am so grateful for his decision to leave. It was the best thing that I ever happened to me and my son. Stay strong. Things will get better, I have been there 🙂
Mine returned full force 7 years later.
hi
thank you everyone for being honest with me about your true thoughts as I deal with this man. please please share more of what you went through emotionally during the initial breakup stages when it was the ‘last and final’ break. please.
i can’t eat more than a couple times a week, or go to bed until i’m nodding out, going to work on 3-4 hrs sleep, and then i am sleeping all day practically on my days off. I’m not in a position where i can run to a therapist, so listening to people who have been there helps a bit even though i know that no one is going to make this all go away.
thank you
jenni marie
I knew it was over in 2011 but it took me two years to finally be free of the kook.
At first, he rehooked me and I backslid, believing his lies that he was sorry and he had changed.
As I continued to confront him, then expose his deceit to others, writing an account on cheaterville.com that took over three hours to read through fast and once, the time between the schmoozing and the devalue/discard shortened from weeks to days to hours to minutes.
I backslid into trusting him again each time, like a fool, for 18 months (he’s a full blown psychopath and very, very smooth at his game. His “mask of sanity” has mostly everyone in his world completely fooled.)
His violent outbursts to control me were adding up. I reacted as you are now, developing PTSD and a siege mentality. I called the police. I told my trusted friend. They counseled me to get a restraining order. So I did.
With the restraining order, if he contacted me the police could arrest him. He contacted me, even trying to convince me again he had changed! He had threatened to kill me and my son and yet was still pulling the rehook!!
I finally began to report his contact. He contacted me three times and was arrested three times.
He schmoozed the prosecutor via his public defender and is now on probation. I haven’t heard from him or seen him around ( he lives only a mile or two away from me) but if I do, I’m calling the police immediately.
That kook is a danger to me and always will be. I’ve reduced my ability to be as open and trusting with people as I used to be.
It’s a matter of survival and sanity and finally demanding your right to live in peace and be the free person you want to live as. To reclaim your liberty from oppression is what it’s all about.
You may feel you are under siege right now and you are. So continue to be proactive in your process to stand up for your freedom from abuse and live well.
It may take you some time. I hope your process is faster than mine. Mine took two years and I’ve been free about 6 months now.
Life is good.
I relied on the words of Winston Churchill who gave encouragement to the Britons while they were under siege in WW II, “When you’re going through hell, keep going!!”
Don’t stop. Don’t touch any “gifts” (IEDs disguised to hurt you) and just keep going.
You will get through this. You will live free again.
Be well, Darling. And be good to yourself.
Jenni Marie
I must say the first few months were “torture” for me. I could not eat, I went to work on a few hours of sleep. If you can call it sleep. In my mind I was going through “things I could have done different “. I was living like a robot, just functioning enough to keep going. I first begged him to come home, I told him that I would change, accept all the blame and so on. I was seeing a family therapist who knew my husband well. It helped me somehow but I had to experience all the different stages. It was almost like a death. Once I found this website I learned that it was not my fault. I didn’t do anything to this man. I was a faithful, good wife and mother for 20 years. I finally realized that it was all him. He still tried to manipulate me after he left. The only “cure” for my addiction to him was the no contact rule. Very difficult at first. I wanted to text back , email back or call him when he threw his insults at me. So I changed my phone no and email. I was not tempted anymore to respond because I didn’t get any messages from him. I did file for the divorce because I wanted to take this final piece of control away from him. And was he surprised getting served with divorce papers. I never responded again. I was done. Just done. No more. You will know when you are at that point. I just woke up one morning and I knew I had to take that final step. No more lies, betrayals and cheating on me. No more because I will not ever be disrespected like this. And once I filed for divorce I live in the present. The past is gone and the future is unknown. Just concentrate on the moment and you will be fine. Just like me 🙂
So happy to hear that you made it through…
Hi, jenni marie pray outrageously. I once read somewhere before in my first stages of divorcing and leaving a sociopath that I married twice a total of 15 years. Can’t nobody save you from or free you from a sociopath except God. Don’t remember the exact words. When I begin to pray hard and call on the name of Jesus i tell people all the time I was resurrected from the dead. It was powerful and painful but it worked.I wish you luck continue the process as well as No Contact it can be done it’s been 4 years for me and oh my God I’ve evolved into this beautiful spirit and i’m still blossming.. Stay Strong.. Much Love!!
Maybe many of you have noticed, as I have, that these disordered people could really all be the same guy!
Their pattern behaviors and even the things they say…all the same!!
Thankfully, their textbook behaviors make them easy to identify.
I really liked the way this writer put it all together quite succinctly:
http://esteemology.com/the-three-phases-of-a-narcissistic-relationship-cycle-over-evaluation-devaluation-discard/
It’s nothing less than starkly noteworthy that these kooks all operate exactly the same! They don’t know each other for the most part, they’re not in the same club, they don’t all hit the go-to website for how to be a narcissist… They just all operate with the exact same behaviors!
That, in itself, is really spooky!!
But. Be positive, Dear Ones. Remember, being positive is easy when things are going well, but being positive is a testimony to your strength and resiliance when everything is crumbling around you.
God bless everyone this holiday!
I love all of these comments! Yes, they all behave the same because they are all “wired” the same way. They all have a brain disorder.
Until I read Sandra Brown’s book “Women Who Love Psychopaths” I blamed a lot of my marriage problems on myself. Although I know now what my “role” was in the marriage – I understand that the initial break up was the beginning of my recovery from the endless months and years of control by my ex husband. Carefully and methodically over a period of almost 20 years he had laid the ground work. These folks know what they are doing and most have had LOTS of practice. They are good at what they do. They know how to manipulate, deceive, con, and then drop their targets when they are “used” up.
I suffered emotionally and physically for months after my husband walked out to be with his younger target. I then began to search for every book and article that might help me thru this torment which felt as if I was withdrawing from a powerful drug. Slowly, I begin to see the picture come into focus. It took about a year to get the “craziness” out of my thought process, but now divorced over a year I am finally in a better place emotionally. Financially it is still devastating, but that will improve also.
I doubt I will EVER see this psychopath on my doorstep ever again. He KNOWS that I know everything and I am willing to review it on any given occasion that he chooses to contact me. He will not do that as he now fears my power and knowledge.
Don’t give up. You are the winner and this guy will ALWAYS lose in the end. They all do. Educate yourself and trust your gut instincts moving forward. You will survive and flourish!
Absolutely, Hope52. I don’t believe the soc I dealt with would ever return either for the very reason you listed above…he knows that I know and fears my power and knowledge. Amen to that! Educating yourself is exactly what I did. It is empowering.
Stay strong my friends. It takes time to work through this…but has Hope52 said, you will survive and flourish…I know I am!
carolann
Hmmmm, they do seem to be of the same mold, don’t they?
…..
Today: Is my 5th day of NC
He has a family wedding to help keep him busy, but I have to be ready for when he comes around again.
….
Do Sociopaths return?
YES
This one does.
He comes back.
I fall for IT.
I run away.
IT comes back.
I try again.
IT lies and causes pain again.
I run away again.
He comes back.
Repeat from Nov 2010 until 5 days ago. (I am So Not proud of this)
………
LF people…..today when I was driving in my car, trying not to think of him, then thinking of him, then trying to re-think my thinking of trying not to think of him….LOL, well, you know how that goes…. anyway, something I thought of made me realize that there is at least ONE THING he is going to miss about me, albeit a short lived ‘miss’, and I sort of smirked when I thought about it. It’s how he will be missing his “DUPER’S DELIGHT” for a while!! He will need to go without it until he primes up the next victim to get his D.D. from.
I feel pretty strong for identifying one of the ways I gave him his supply that he’ll miss having control over- It’s his Duper’s Delight and I am glad that I will be making sure that he’ll never get it from me again.
His DD is something I always ‘felt’ eminating from him, but just couldn’t put my finger on it long before I knew the term though, when it seemed like he was actually doing things on purpose to hurt me or confuse me. And let’s face it, who would admit that it feels good to fool someone on purpose.
I am going to stay NC from now on. I know it. I can’t stop thinking about him, but I know that will pass so I’m just going to deal with it. My goal now is to make sure that I am not giving him any more D.D. I may not have won his war, but I can win this little battle of DD v NO MORE DD!!
ENOUGH ENOUGH ENOUGH ENOUGH ENOUGH LIES AND BS MR S/PATH!
I’ve known, deep down that I could never be with a person like him for a while even though I acted like we might have a chance. I think I was in robot mode. I don’t know. Why did I allow that monster to make me cry and make me sick? I’ve wondered about this. My only excuse so far is that I wanted to be loved? I didn’t think that it was because I wanted to be abused. How dumb would that be…..lol.
Day 5 of NC.
but,
He comes back.
IT comes back, but this time I am not letting him in.
Everyone is right…… Enforcing NO CONTACT is the only way to get them out of your physical realm.
For hope I am leaning on most of what I have read here on LF and other sites that say that Time Away from the SPATH and their FOG, WILL get them OUT of our psychological realm as well. Nice thought.
Here’s to NO CONTACT!
Time and Peace,
Jenni Marie