I recently received an email from a Lovefraud reader who had only one question. It’s a question I hear frequently: Do sociopaths return?
The answer: Some of them don’t, but some of them do.
Many people who have been romantically involved with sociopaths experienced the sudden “devalue and discard.” One day the sociopath loves you. The next day the sociopath tosses you aside like a used tissue and walks away, without ever looking back.
As the person left behind, you may be in shock. You may have had no idea that your partner was unhappy. You may ask yourself, did I do something wrong? Why didn’t he or she say something? Can’t we work this out?
You are also astounded at the callousness of your partner’s behavior. All those statements of “I love you” and “we’re soul mates” — did they mean nothing? After all the time you spent together, and everything you’ve been through, how can this person just leave?
The answer may be that your former partner has drained all your resources, and there’s nothing left to take. Or your former partner has simply found a juicier target. Or your partner simply decides that he or she is bored. For whatever reason, you are no longer of any use, and the sociopath is gone.
If this person doesn’t return, consider yourself lucky.
The return
Sometimes the sociopath does return. They often have a sixth sense of when you may be receptive to hear from them. They just seem to know when your anger has subsided, or when you’re feeling lonely, or when you feel strong enough to be “just friends.”
Then, because they’ve spent so much time studying you, they know exactly what approach to use to hook you again.
They may proclaim their love, confessing that they never knew how much they truly loved you until you were gone.
They may apologize profusely, seeming to take responsibility for their heartless actions, while conveniently blaming something else, such as work stress or alcohol.
They may promise to go to counseling, or church, or rehab. Or, they say they’ve already been to counseling, church or rehab, and they’ve changed.
Or, they seduce you sexually.
Why do they return? Perhaps the “juicier target” has thrown them out and they have no place to go. Whatever the reason, they were able to manipulate you before, so they assume they’ll be able to manipulate you again.
Maintain No Contact
In numerous articles on Lovefraud, I’ve explained that to end an involvement with a sociopath, you must have No Contact with him or her.
If the sociopath returns after a period of time, your response should be the same: Maintain No Contact.
They may catch you off-guard by contacting you from a new phone number or e-mail address that you haven’t blocked. They may show up unannounced at your home or place of employment.
Do not fall for their apologies, excuses or professions of love.
Never forget: Once they are adults, sociopaths do not change. Sooner or later, the old games will start again, except they’ll be worse.
If a sociopath returns, do not let him or her back into your life.
I broke the rule no contact, now I am paying for my mistake. My ex husband who is a sociopath and who said that his councelor toll him he need to develoveped empaty and be in the shoes of other people what a joke. Anyway my ex husband today dump me for a second time with the excuse that he can be envolve with anybody in romantic way, yes sure.
He said that we can be friends with benefits because he can be romantic envolve if he wants to help himself. But he said I love to have sex with you and have fun with you but no commintments, also I ask did you loved me when we was marry. He said I don’t think so because my feelings are confuse, this is the reason what I cheated to you. I am looking only for forgive from you because I feel so bad for what I did to you 3 years ago. I reply no friends with benefis, no forginess from me towards you. I feel right now use again, angry, decieved, stupid and miserable. I can’t believe he do this again, my hope is some day he pay for what he do to me again. My pain is so big again I can’t deal with all this pain is to much. He left 3 weeks ago his ex mistress the one he cheated at me 3 years ago, and now he left me. I hope this pain pass soon and finally I learned my lesson I hope:(
Columbian-
People who are sociopaths can’t bond in the way empathetic people can. Telling him to get empathy is like telling a lion to change his spots. Their spots are intrinsic to the lion’s physical nature.
Emotional, (affective) empathy is a knee-jerk reaction. It’s as automatic in people who have it as breathing. It’s the OMG! gasp you react with when someone near you falls out of a chair. You have basically put yourself in their shoes and imagine the pain they feel.
Character disordered people don’t feel it and so, they don’t develop conscience. There is no intrinsic “caring” that hems them in from using harmful actions to get them what they want. Without empathy, the only mitigation over their antisocial behavior is solely the fear of getting caught.
Having sexual relations with a person raises your level of oxytocin and cleaves you to your lover. A person with little or know emotional empathy can’t feel the connection and can jump from bed to bed with no remorse. The only thing that prevents them from doing so is the potential loss of a sex partner that provides some type of benefit for them. It’s not because they feel connected or caring that they remain, but rather, they don’t want to lose their golden goose. As soon as they’ve collected the golden eggs, however, or if the goose stops laying golden eggs for them, there is no reason to stick around.
He doesn’t feel badly about anything. He’s not really capable of feeling. He’s back to scramble up an omelette and will beat it to the next hen house when you stop delivering.
Keeping your distance from this man is your best protection.
We all want to believe they can change. If you read some of the literature written about character disorder, you will understand that they simply can’t.
Wishing you success in your quest to heal and break free!
Joyce
Hi I am new here. I have sadly discovered my husband is a sociopath. I never met one before or even knew about it until now. I thought something was odd about 2 years into the relationship and I first thought that maybe he was but didn’t want to believe that and kept on with the relationship. I am thoroughly convinced he is now that I am 6 years in and I have read Donna’s book Love Fraud and Dr. Phil’s book and several websites. I’ll go into that later on appropriate threads but I am attempting no contact for the 3rd time in a month. This topic is about will they return. 2 years into the relationship before we got married, he up and left me. I had no idea what I did. That morning we were fine. We hadn’t been fighting. It was baffling and the worst part is, he completely avoided me, ignored me and was very mean to me. I couldn’t get an explanation out of him. I went into a deep depression. I called him every day for about 4 days and then stopped, 3 days after that he came back to me. He was gone a week. He said he was depressed because a friend hung himself. He does have a problem with death because his dad died early and he lost his grandparents who he was close to that same year but this was almost ten years ago. His grandparents died of natural causes. He was doing drugs that day and was depressed. I believed him but now I realize that was completely normal.
Tia – welcome to Lovefraud. Yes, they tell a good story in the beginning, then they always have an excuse, and then you realize that the abnormalities are what they really are. It’s a shock to the system.
YES!!! They do try to return, one way or the other and the story is the same, its still all your fault, they try to make you believe that YOU are the reason for Everything going wrong, Mine even asked me this question ” Do YOU see how any of this is YOUR fault”? I almost LOL in his face, but with a calmness I said “NO”!! I don’t… No contact is the best unless you know that you are healed enough to deal with him/her. It’s been 6 months, I can finally file for my divorce. I live in Louisiana and state law requires a 6 month waiting period before you are able to file. Thank God we have NO kids together otherwise it would be a year. I’m so very thankful for this site because without it I may have let him back in. Everything that I have read here I have seen in him. It’s so amazing but it’s like ALL of these people have the same DNA… He has tried so many times to establish contact but I cut him off… We are married so there have been times when I had to interact, if you are in that position make it quick, keep it strictly business, DO NOT GIVE HIM/HER ANY EMOTION… they will try their best to make you angry – DO NOT FEED IT! if it’s a text you must respond to Keep it simple and straight to the point because all they want is a way back in and to hurt you. Hurting you, feeds them.. sad but true- My soon to be ex-husband is back with his previous target, the woman he was with prior to marrying me. In some ways I feel sorry for her because I don’t think she realizes what he is and why he’s back, he is love bombing her all over again… and she’s so unaware of what is going on. I Thank God everyday that I was smart enough to figure out what was wrong with him and not allow him to destroy me or ruin me financially. Guys, please read anything you can get your hands on regarding Sociopaths, mine is also narcissistic which makes it all more difficult. I have helped his first wife understand what happened during their marriage and she tells me all the time that she is so grateful for me helping her to understand because even after 5 years she was still having residuals from him, now she understands and she is educating herself because she does have a son with him whom he tries to manipulate every chance he gets. My step son is 13, he’s a honor roll student and a good, kind, loving kid. She and I work together to do damage control whenever he has to be around his sociopathic father…
I’m no longer in love with him, I thought I would never get to that place.. I have a good family and good friends who understand what I have been through and I have educated them with reading material and this web site and they now understand. Not everyone understands this disorder, so limit yourself on who you try to explain to what has happened, some people don’t understand and will think that oh, he/she is crazy, bitter, angry and will say.. well… just move on… guys it’s not that simple, we all know this.. healing takes time … and you cannot place a limit on the time frame. Continue to Pray and seek God, take long walks alone just to think, I even take long drives just to clear my head and put things into perspective. I read a lot to continue to understand what has happened to me. I journal all the time, and I know it wasn’t me, I’m strong, Loving, Kind, compassionate and most importantly I’m a survivor… None of us did anything wrong, the only thing we did was to trust someone we all loved. Do not give up on LOVE, there are good people out there, I will LOVE again but I will NEVER have another sociopath. Remember this, Love is giving someone the ability to destroy you, but trusting them not to… I feel that I’m 98% completely healed from him. It’s a process – but hang in there and you will get thru this. I didn’t think 6 months ago I would be where I am. I will continue to educate myself, I will always be a member of LOVEFRAUD, I’m planning to start a fb page just for this, to help others heal – I want to help others heal and empower those who’s dealing with this “monster” and don’t understand… I wish you all the very best, Stay Prayerful… and remember NO CONTACT!! God Bless each of YOU!!! xo
I just found out that Iam dating a sociopath!! after a very long struggle to make things work out but it just doesn’t work! your replay here just make me sure my boyfriend is a sociopath!! believe or not i register this website to replay you!
Thank you very much for sharing your story!! Believe me it just give me the strength to move on!! it is so so so hard but when I see such comments I get stronger and feel there’s hope! thanks again because now he is trying to be back for the third time!! he just go and back go and back with no reason which makes me so crazy .. All of characteristics of a sociopath mentioned in this website are found in him .. the only think i regret so much taht i’ve been giving him alot , time, money , attention! i just put him as number one in my list !!!
Amy19iraq – Welcome to Lovefraud. I’m glad Lovefraud has helped you identify his disorder. Please use your knowledge to get rid of him!
He also blamed me for it ending. Saying I couldn’t do anything right and that I won’t find anyone better. He said I was his lost and then the day after we broke up he was showing me pictures of his new girlfriend. I’m glad it’s over but it hurts to be treated this way. He was sweet one day and then the next switched out.
Jlove, he is a sick person and is projecting his own deep emptiness onto you. He is playing games to try and hurt you because this is what sociopaths do. Pretty sick, huh? Please don’t believe anything he says about you. Let him inject his poison into someone else – you deserve to move on and be around people who help you feel good about yourself, not tear you down.
Thanks. Yes the whole thing was sick! We were in the relationship for almost 2 years. I discovered he created a dating profile shortly after we got our apartment in January and we broke up in March. Then when I confronted him about it he denied it but it clearly says the creation date. He used to introduce me as his fiancé but after we moved in together that quickly changed. He damaged my stuff and still felt entitled to my things. He would pout and give me silent treatment until he got his way. Whenever he got a cold he would sneeze in my face by “accident”. Whenever he found out I had money from somewhere he magically needed me to bail him out of something. He’s done a whole list of crazy stuff to me but some how he sees himself as the victim. He was head over hills with me at first and rushed to relationship along. He asked me to be his girlfriend on the first date and then told me he loved me by the second date. He promised to help me make my dreams come true. Next thing you know he stole my identity and added his name to my bank and stock account. I had to pay to get the bank out of over draft or they would put it on my credit then I closed both accounts. I’m truly scared I won’t trust again. I want to move on but it’s so hard. I don’t want him back but I feel like the hurt will never go away. I’m working through it in therapy. Do you think a person like him will try to come back? He feels like I am his lost so I hope not! That’s my biggest fear, I just want him to stay gone.
Jlove, he could try to come back. It would be a power play to see if he could get your attention again, so he can discard you again. It is a sick game they play. Whatever you do, don’t fall for it or think that there is anything like love involved. He is not capable of love. He sounds like a typical textbook sociopath. Yes, you can get through it – it will be painful, but when you are a little farther along in healing, you will see the light at the end of the tunnel. This site saved my life when I was where you are at. Keep blogging here, especially if you ever feel the urge to contact him.
He almost completely destroyed me. Are there any good guys out there? I’m glad I found this site because I am learning what to watch for. Did you have the fear of dating again? If so how long did it take you to start dating again?
Also if he does try to come back, and I reject him, will he try to destroy me all over again out of spite for rejecting him? That’s what I’m really afraid of.
Thanks for the encouraging post. I just got out of a relationship with a socialpath and I keep blaming myself. I lost everything with him and he moved on in the blink of an eye and made it seem like it was my fault. I’m scared that I may end up alone. That’s a crazy fear because I’m 24 but I can’t help to feel this way. I can’t get the way he treated me out of my head.
Jlove, It’s really hard to believe there are people so hell-bent on destroying the very person they profess to love. It’s sick. From what little you described, it is very clear to me that he is a sociopath. It is NOT you. It was never you. You had no idea anyone could be evil like this. We all here had to learn the hard way.
My ex has all the signs of a sociopath. He was violent with me and ended up on bail. He breached his restrictions and kept a diary saying how much he loved me etc. when I told him it was over he did nothing to try and save the relationship. He has hacked my fb account since then but now appears on his fb site to be having a wonderful time. Is this real? He has moved house and bought a new car, almost like he is getting rid of any connection. Was he really upset at the beginning ?
They do return.
My story is the perfect example.
It happened 7, yes 7 years later on the exact day I was on a first date with a man I had been talking to for months.
He was perfect and I ended up losing him because I responded to the spaths game and because I did not educate myself after he just disappeared without an explanation.
I went through years of healing only to let this disordered individual into my life AGAIN.
Thank goodness I saw the behavior and just googled what he was doing..the lies, bad behavior and generally screwing with my head.
I found this website and started setting boundaries.
Spaths don’t like boundaries.
So yes, they do come back.
Oh I forgot to mention that before he called me while I was on my dream date, he was stalking me for months and I did not even know it.
Stroninthecity
Strong and skate,
SYes, they usually do return in some way or another. As long as we’re educated we stand a better chance!
Strong-
So scary about your ex. Do you think he knew you were going on the date/went on the date? His stalking and all?
It’s out of this world they can stalk for so long without us knowing. The fact mine may have stalked me for almost 2 decades before perusing me strong is nuts! No wonder I’m paranoid.I feel like I have been living as the star to my own horror movie for a year now.
skate –
Your ex sounds like he is dangerous. His violence and hacking you is something not to be taken lightly. It seems like he is playing a game by acting so happy. This may be a way to want to lure you back in. Don’t fall for it. You were used. The only way he is upset by your relationship is that he wants to maintain control. Do not let him. It may be worth considering getting rid of your FB account. It caused me hell initially being on there. Lots of stalking, strangers contacting, etc. It saved me getting off!
Friends-
They may be in touch again. Maybe not, or at least that you know of. Better to be safe than sorry. Listen to your gut, even if it turns out something you felt/thought turns out to not be true, there are usually connections your body/mind are aware of. Stay NC or do the grey rock method if you need to. These people are capable of anything!
TTSP,
I don’t know…he must have. Some how.
It’s too much of a coincidence.
He was stalking for months prior, claims to not be computer savvy but IDK.
It’s scary. I don’t know what he is capable of now that he knows I am dating someone else.
I am not responding to him like in the past and that bothers me.
He made it very clear that I was being watched but I think that’s a crock of crap because I now know that’s a manipulation technique.
BTW I came across a very real and scary website where spaths and crazy people go to trade secrets about what works and they even mentioned “gas lighting” as an effective technique.
SITC
Strong,
Be on extra alert now that you’re dating someone. He’s already lurked outside your house!
He made it clear you’re being watched. He may be crazy making to keep you worried and be watching you at the same time. I would not put it past him!
I’ve heard of sites that teach backlighting. My counselor says they do it naturally. Would you mind sharing the link?
Thanks TTSP. I have thought about closing my account but haven’t done yet. When I managed to get back in I changed my password and am hoping he can’t get back in. I keep feeling better then taking a step backwards. It’s very difficult. It was the violence that ended the relationship and I considered going back. In the weeks when he wasn’t sure if we were over he was pouring his heart out and as soon as I said it was over I’ve been tossed aside.
skate,
Consider a blessing that you listened to yourself and ended things! I know the pain of being tossed aside after they claim they loved us so much.
I had 2 spaths back to back. #1 is a stalker so he was easy to go NC with. The stalking hasn’t been easy. #2 knew when I was done and he treated me like I was nothing. Last time I broke NC he tried to convince me how sick and crazy I am. When they know you know about them and won’t put up with any more they walk. They doesn’t mean they stay away and stop their mind games.
That’s why getting off social networking is best. They play games to act like they are happy to get at you. Sometimes they’ll use FB to amp it up more by putting pictures of women, etc on their profiles, which makes it so you want to contact them.
It took me a few months after #1 to finally get off FB. Take your time. You’ll know when you’re ready to completely cut ties. However, expect that he may cause more pain until you’re completely there.
In the meantime, he seems gone. That doesn’t mean he’s not dangerous to you any more. Stay aware and be safe.
I’m big on safety plans. Do you have one yet? If not, think about different situations. What will you do if he shows up at your home or in public? How will you handle it if he or someone else tries to contact you on his behalf. Things like that. When you think of every situation possible and have a predicted reaction of yourself you will be more prepared and will ultimately be safer so you don’t have to figure out your situation on the spot blind.
Mine has returned after eight years! His current girlfriend has, according to him, become brittle and hard and difficult to be around. He realizes (he says) that I was always the number one person in his life – nobody in his whole life has ever meant as much to him as me.
Am I ever glad I found this website years ago when he devalued and discarded me in a flash. It took two years of therapy, lots of crying and pain, and lots of reading before I realized what I had been mixed up with.
Even though I have no intention of returning to him, I still feel the magnetic pull as well as a return of the huge feeling of unease, turmoil, disbelief, and shock I felt when he was busy devaluing me. The crying and anxiety returned. He once told me, “It feels good to discharge my anger on you!” I went through absolute hell with him.
My mistake was in trusting a completely untrustworthy person. I gave him everything (including a lot of money,) but most of all my whole heart. I realize that I was coming from a very young and wounded part of myself.
I am stronger now. NEVER again will I let myself get mixed up with this man.
Thank you Lovefraud and all those who have experienced what I did.
I am so glad you shared your story. I am currently going through the exact same thing. I’m glad that you finally got the healing that you needed and moved on. This gives me hope.
I just wanted to share…
I was adopted at birth. 2 weeks old.
Adopted by wonderful family… (although I had emotional problems… part stemming from wondering why my “real” parents did not want me.)
When I was away at college.. at the age of
19!—- I received a phone call from an agency of private investigators. MY BIRTH PARENTS WERE LOOKING FOR ME.
The WORST DECISION OF MY ENTIRE LIFE… and I pay for it each day , but it will make a good book…
was to allow my birthparents into my life.
Long story short….
My birthfather was a Narcissist/Sociopath/Anethesiologist from Argentina, but living where I grew up… and where he gave me to charity in Chicago.
I did not know this at the time…
and he charmed the hell out of me! The story is UNREAL.
My birthmother was a physically beautiful woman, with Borderline Personality Disorder as well as alcoholism…. that he had met in 1968 in an elevator in the hospital where he worked.
He was a married man with two daughters….
he made her his paid mistress.. paid her rent.. got her pregnant twice before me… but they aborted those two.
it took her years to GET AWAY FROM HIM.
She would move out of state.
He would hire someone to find her.
so… she was done with him in about 1973 (Yeah, this woman gave me up and continued to be his mistress for money!)
HE CAME BACK IN 1989… when his second wife filed for divorce.
He remembered my gorgeous looking mother,,, her lack of education, therefore,, never made much money on her own.
HE FOUND AND CALLED HER ALMOST 20 YEARS LATER.
As part of there “fun” and excitement… he paid to have me found and we pretended to be a little family for two years.
He told her how much he changed in 20 years. She was wealthy. He told me he had thought about me every day.. which made my adoptive mother… MY REAL MOTHER — cry… because everyone else saw what this narcissist was doing to me (Manipulating me with money, huge gifts, a horse, tears, LOVE BOMBING…. not to mention.. that physically…. I am the SPITTING IMAGE OF HIM.)
I was too young then to know what narcs or spaths were.
Two years later… daddy Warbucks… asked me to take his last name. That I was “his”. I said that I could not hurt my adoptive family by changing my name at 20 years old.
He said…. ‘I wash my hands of you>”
I never heard from him again.
He took me out of his will and life insurance… as he died 12 years later.
So… do they return??????
YES YES YES….
In this case it was decades.
they always need that source of supply… and have a rolodex of suppliers in the back of their twisted little brains.
My birthfather.. his own daughters told me…
was a sex addict.
WOW. THIS IS REALLY WEIRD. IN WRITING THIS TO ALL OF YOU…
I HAVE JUST HAD an amazing Ah Hah Moment.
THE SOCIOPATH/NARC WITH WHOM I JUST LEFT…..
SOUNDS JUST LIKE MY BIRTHFATHER.
My birthdad was notorious for sleeping with all the nurses.
MY EX.. PAREMEDIC… I RECENTLY FOUND OUT….
IS BEYOND NOTORIOUS FOR SLEEPING WITH nurses that he meets as Mr. Good Looking Paremedic 6 feet five inches….. gorgeous tough guy….
picked up on all the nurses and even female fire fighters.
oH MY GOD…..
I dated my birthfather.
I had shared with my narc very early on in the relationship… like an IDIOT… about my birthdad and how stupid.. and gullible my birthmother was (and she needed money) was to let the man who forced her to give me up for adoption… to come back into her life 20 years later.
Hell…
I gave this Soc In invitation to do the same to me.
He knew I had just gotten out of a 3 month treatment center for anorexia, Major Depression and PTSD from the birthparents entering my life 20 years ago and things I buried.. like birth dad wanted sex with me.
so…. it is my fault for sharing with this guy so early.
Since he was a Physical Therapist at my job at nursing home… and since he was a firefighter/paremedic… and since all these women were after him but he “chose” me (and kept reminding me of such…)…
and since I literally did not know a soul in this state where I had just moved and not by choice…
He first asked me out… asking if he could be my tourguide… as I had turned him down his first two times he asked me out.
So… showing me around. Everyone knew and worshipped him. fun dates. beach. dancing. Starbuck’s. I was slowly sucked into what I thought was a genuine relationship… he held me. listened. Teared up. Would scream… “Your birthparents were Narcissists… and that is how they were able to walk away from their own flesh and blood to keep their reputations clean. ”
He has three kids. My Narc. And his eyes would well up and he’s say… ‘I WOULD RATHER DIE THAN LEAVE ONE OF MY CHILDREN IN A HOSPITAL!”
I felt understood. Safe. And… he was RIGHT about them.
Okay.. enough for now.
wow, kitty – no wonder you were sucked in by a sociopath, you had already been groomed by your birthparent! Congratulations on taking out the trash.
NoMoreWool…. (and…. NoMoreBull!) 🙂
thank you for the support… it means so much to me.
Just keep reminding me that I DID TAKE OUT THE TRASH. IN FACT.. I THREW IT OUT AND CONTACTED YOU GUYS AS HE WAS STILL GETTING TO HIS CAR… THAT I BOUGHT HIM!! IT WAS THE MOST DIFFICULT THING I HAVE EVER DONE IN MY LIFE.
I often feel like the abandoned one… but that is not the case!!!!!!
Kitty that is quite a story. We all want to be loved, to feel complete. There are so many who like you come from broken family situations. I never met my genetic father. There is plenty of spathy, narcississtic, borderlinescent stuff that I have seen in extended family dynamic myself. Of course as a child we don’t have the life experience to put these things in perspective. Be glad that you had good parenting from your adoptive family. You have been through some crazy tough times lately and you seem to be doing very well considering. You seem to be putting the pieces to this ugly puzzle together pretty well. Cudos to you for that. Keep up the good progress. Baby steps in the right direction are fine too. Cognitive dissonance can be a bear. These people plant a lot of their twisted ideas within us and it can take a while to recognize that we may be holding on to some ideas that continue to serve their toxic agenda.
A couple things I noticed that you have mentioned that I wanted to comment on. # 1 let me say that this is nothing against paramedics or related fields. These people serve an incredibly important role in society and we need them. Having said that, I personally have known of more than one instance that involved a sparkly, charming, amazing, spiritual giant type, family man, – I think you get the picture, except oops I forgot to mention that these people had acquired a condition called severe double life syndrome. Marriages destroyed. Pseudo spiritual careers fizzled out. All joking aside, I have heard this career can present plenty of challenges to manogomos relationships.
Be careful too with your music. Enjoy it, just know their are plenty of disordered characters in the biz. Game players, control freaks, massive egos, always drama. Some are incredibly talented. I just don’t want to deal with them.
4Light2Shine…
Thank you dearly for your support and advice.
I just kick myself…. b/c the first and second time he asked me out… I SAID NO… AND IT WAS B/C OF HIS PROFESSION and the things I hear out here.
But then again.. my sainted grandpa was a Chicago Fireman for 38 years.
But wow….. TIMES HAVE CHANGED.
Now many narcs get into this line of work… to feed their addiction of sex… supply, admiration, all of it.
But even after my “no thanks yous”…. upon his first invites…. one I even stood him up!!!!
He was sweet and friendly and since I just moved here… asked to be my tour guide for a day. It was fun.. I met people. saw the area. Danced… had coffee… yummy food.
Oh god… why oh why did I do it?
Once you get bite of him… it’s addicting and unstoppable. And being brand new here… I DID NOT KNOW HIS REPUTATION!!!!
and he seemed so sincere.
but there are about 30 nurses who feel the same way..
🙁
Kitty, this is the unexpected good that could only come out of our horrifying experiences. We try to encourage and help each other. What you’re describing is that your instincts were initially telling you no, be careful, this is a bad idea. Like the rest of us you ignored what your gut was telling you or at least proceeded cautiously anyway. Yes I did the same thing. When I met my primary spath ( I’ve had a few ) I didn’t see us together. We were introduced through mutual acquaintances who had told her about me. I’m pretty sure that I was simply supposed to be the guy to introduce her to my social connections. I didn’t view our first meeting as a date but more like I was going to be her contact to my social connections. I even was thinking of certain guys that I could see her with. Sparkly alpha player types. Not me. I was trying so hard to not be judgemental, saying to myself why are you pulling back on this ? My gut was telling me this is not the girl for you.The good news is that our gut is doing its job, and we are educating ourselves so that we can understand what our gut is telling us and why.
4lighttoshine….
thank you again.
I think.. I know that recovery requires honesty not only with others but with ourselves.
I have to admit… and I am so angry at myself for it…
His good looks and charm and chemistry and body/sex….
I wanted them so badly.. then got addicted to them that…
even with red flags….
I CHOSE to ignore the red flags…
because I wanted the sex with him so badly.
Oh my God.
How embarrassing.
I am not the only woman to whom he has done this already. his amazing sex gets a woman hooked… seriously…
and he tells you it is love. that sex… it is so great b/c it is love.
and yet… I am not a sex addict in the way over ever wanting sex with multiple partners or people I do not know or even casual sex.
there was something about him.
He was like crack. No… I have never done crack.
but once I had a taste of him I wanted more.
Please help me god. Please.
I am in my office just sick to my stomach.
I think they return as a way to prove to themselves that they still “own” you. It’s like you may have been misplaced in their mental closet, but they will hunt for you and find you when they decide they want you again. If they need supply, and you were a very tasty morsel, they will work hard to find you. Then punish you for being so hard to find.
I married a disordered man who would not move forward with moving in together once we were wed. When I found evidence online of his multiple affairs, he sent text messages demanding a divorce. He eventually moved in with one of the women he was involved with, then tried to ‘reconcile’ with me after he was injured in a bad car crash. It took about a week for me to realize he was still cheating on me. I went No Contact for a few years, but when things went sour with the live-in girlfriend, guess which snack he came hunting for?! Me.
He had changed he said. He was a new man. He was now a faithful church attendee. He called cheating on me with the live-in girlfriend the proof that he could be faithful because he hadn’t cheated on her… except for that one oops that led to the birth of his 9th child. I fell for the love bombing and ignored the tension in my stomach and the headaches I started getting when he talked about moving in to finally be a real husband.
It was okay for the first couple months, then it quickly became hell on earth. Nothing I did was right. He always had an excuse for not doing what he’d said he’d do. I was accused of being dishonest, selfish, lazy, and unsupportive while I worked on my graduate degree and paid most of the bills with my college loans. He began threatening violence, and saying that he was going to leave me. I decided I was through, and left him.
The reason he came back wasn’t about wanting to be a husband. It was about needing a place to stay while he figured out his next move because the live-in girlfriend didn’t think his oops was part of being faithful. She left him, and he couldn’t afford to live on his own. Hindsight.
Just remember this: if you were a good source of supply (money, sex, power), they will come back. It’s not about love. It’s about control.