Since Lovefraud launched in 2005, I’ve collected 2,850 cases—people who have contacted me to tell me about their experiences with a sociopath. In nearly 100 of these cases—3.4%—the person who contacted me was not actually the victim, but was a friend or family member who was trying to pry the victim away from the sociopath. For example, here’s an email that Lovefraud recently received:
I have a sister-in-law who is dating a married man, who claims he will be getting a divorce, which is still yet to happen. Now she’s pregnant with his kid so things are more serious. They were supposed to move out together a couple months ago, but when the day came he disappeared, then a couple weeks later she found out she was pregnant by him then they were in contact again. Anyways, they went ahead and got an apartment again, which he’s not living in because he is still living with his wife, so it’s a come and go when he pleases”¦ He’s using her! This is not his first child out of wedlock, in fact, he has no contact with the other one and he has now cheated on his wife six times! All these red flags, and all she does is cover up for him. I’ve noticed she’s been depressed and been doing irresponsible things with her health as a result of this guy! Everyone also bluntly tells her that she’s basically his whore, so she knows how everyone feels. What do I do to open her eyes?
Lovefraud’s standard advice in this situation is that there isn’t much someone else can do—it’s up to the person who is involved with a sociopath to open her own eyes and see what is going on. In order to break away, the victim must feel, and own, the negative emotions associated with being controlled and/or abused. This will spark the victim’s desire to get out.
The best thing loved ones can do is stay in contact with the victim, because the sociopath will try to isolate him or her. Friends and loved ones should be emotionally supportive of the individual, but not supply material support, such as money or a place to live. The idea, essentially, is to wait it out, and then, when the relationship crashes and burns, be there to pick up the pieces.
Dr. Liane Leedom explained this approach in her article, “How can I get my _____ away from the psychopathic con artist?”
I’ve sent many, many people the link to that article. But every time I do, it is so dissatisfying. Isn’t there anything a loved one can do?
I understand that people become deeply bonded to sociopaths, especially when they are emotionally and physically intimate, and more especially when they are pregnant. I wrote a whole chapter in my new book, Red Flags of Love Fraud, that explains exactly how this happens. Chapter 6 is called “Sociopathic sex and bonding,” and it explains the psychology and biology of how this powerful psychological love bond is formed.
Here’s a chapter by chapter summary of the book.
Still, I don’t like the idea of just waiting around the victim hits bottom. Sometimes, by the time that happens, the victim is so broken that there is no recovery. And sometimes, when the victim hits bottom, she is dead.
So, I ask Lovefraud readers: Have you ever conducted a successful intervention? If you were the friend or family member of someone in the clutches of a sociopath, were you able to get him or her out? How? Or, if you were the person bonded to the sociopath, did anyone ever do or say anything that gave you the strength to leave?
If anything works, please let us know. I’d love to be able to offer more heartening suggestions.
Good Morning All,
I wish you all knew me better, because you would know that I am not one to panic but that I try and get my ducks in a row before I act. My mother does say I have a tendency to “harp” on things which if I am being honest I got from her. However, this morning I am in a near panic mode. I found out yesterday that MIL has extended an invitation to BIL and his spath for Easter. This is not what has me in a panic; it does however upset me that MIL is trying to force her whole family to be together with the spath. The spath has repeatedly told MIL how much she misses MIL’s brother and his wife and wishes she could see them; they will be there. The panic is that the spath has answered MIL’s emails and now wants to start coming over during the week to visit and bring the children. This concerns me because she is using the children to gain entry into a home that she had been forbidden from and knows that MIL will not turn down the chance to see her great grand children. It also gives her access to my in-laws home (remember my BIL had a robbery) and most assuredly my MIL will give the spath their daily schedule. I am afraid that one of my greatest fears is about to come true, the spath gaining trust of my in-laws and pulling the Divide and Conquer. After reading Oxy’s story about her family, this terrifies me.
You know since being on here and reading different books, I’ve learned a lot about myself, not all good I have to admit. I want to take Oxy’s advice about letting go the things that you cannot do anything about or change, but DANG it’s so hard to do. I have noticed a change in the way I handle things now; I used to let the spath dominate every day, trying to figure out a way to “Defeat the Devil” if you will. But after doing much research and readings, I had let things go a lot more and for a longer period of time; I was rather proud of myself. Then my MIL started the emailing and opening it up again and now this! GEEZ I just want to scream and rip my hair out. I know that I can’t, I know that I have to keep trying to educate my family and do what I can to protect them from the spath. I will continue to post letters or “articles” from LF on my Facebook for my MIL to see. I am also going to leave my books over there and have her read them. I hate feeling this way, it’s something I’m not used to and I don’t like it.
Thanks again for letting me vent and for the advice that I am trying my hardest to listen to and heed—LG
LynnieGirl,
I am sorry for what you are going through and understand why you feel the sense of panic.
You have some choices. Since Easter is just 2 days away, if you think you can handle it, might be a good time to just go along and be a “gray rock.” If you could do that, it would give you an opportunity to see how bad it is (how sucked in — or not — everyone else is).
Does your nuclear family (you, spouse, kids) get it? I’m sorry I cannot remember your family configuration or if you have kids, if they are grown, etc.
Consider that “panic” is one thing the spath might very well want to create in you. Remember that they feed off our emotions. That is the importance and genius of “gray rock.” You be very centered, let it swirl around you, but do not participate in the drama. Well, it is one option.
Patience is helpful. Also holding your tongue might be a helpful strategy — as Skylar said, you can’t unsay anything you’ve already said, but you can always say later something you haven’t said yet. (something like that, LOL)
And ask yourself what it is that you are most afraid of. Is it physical safety? Is it safety of belongings? abuse of the children or your loved ones? Your loss of relationships with your family if she is successful in dividing you?
I may be entirely wrong about this, because I am so far removed from the situation, but my gut tells me that “gray rock” will be your best friend, and calming your inner panic, not racing around dropping hints about her, not trying so hard to fix it. Maybe just hang in the background and don’t participate in the drama. Just observe. If you aren’t acting panicked (i.e., “crazy”) it will be harder for her to make you into a scapegoat and divide the family. Also, calmness is contagious and SO IS PANIC.
What do you think?
Lynniegirl,
First off, BREATHE!!! Don’t forget to beathe!
This is something that you can’t do anything about…MIL is gonna do what she is gonna do, and likely you will not be able to prevent the P from using the kids as BAIT.
“Leaving your books” over there is going to do little or no good. If the P sees them she will really know you are on to her.
I would try not to use the word “sociopath” or “psychopath” with your family as most people think that those two words are the same as serial killer….so maybe use “dysfunctional” or “drama queen” or some other less threatening term that they can accept, and then as you educate them to the signs and red flags of her lies and manipulations maybe start slipping in the terms for it.
It will be a slow process….and you need to just realize you can’t educate them in a day.
You might go to the easter thing just to see how things are going. If so be cool, calm and at least appear bored and boring.
Keep in mind that my son is a psychopath, and the only reason he is not a SERIAL killer is that he got caught after the first murder and his plot to kill me didn’t work.
And also remember that people in the community thought we were a “nice normal family.” LOL I have a little plaque that says “keep in mind everyone thinks we are a nice normal family” to remind me of what people think doesn’t matter. LOL ROTFLMAO
Now quit panicking right now! Just take a breath and try to relax. (((hugs)))
whoops, forgot that part. Oxy, you are right: letting her know you are onto her might not be the safest idea. you aren’t quite sure yet just what you are dealing with. It is a very risky move to expose her before you have crowd support. Though I understand why you would want to.
Yes, this is a slow process, unfortunately.
LynnieGirl,
It does sound to me from reading your post that you are in “panic mode”.
I know that it is hard to understand but panic mode is about the worst way you could go into this.
By being in a “panic” you are actually going to be “contributing” to the drama that she will be trying to create at the family get together, if that makes any sense to you?
And as much as you would like to try and “fix” this situation by trying to warn the family…….You really might be adding to the “divide”, IF the family isn’t ready to hear it. And the family will turn against you.
Unfortunately people don’t hear things when they are not ready to hear the message you are trying to give them. And the messenger somehow becomes the bad guy.
Toxic people have a very twisted way of thinking. It is almost as if you have to do sometimes the opposite of what you would normally think you should do.
You can’t fix any of this. Let the drama queen create her drama. It’s going to play out however it plays out.
You don’t have to be a part of it though. That is the GOOD NEWS.
Grey Rock all the way. Be the boring one. Yawn….Really, be boring and just take it all in.
Hi LynnieGirl,
I’m coming from left field here & am not familiar with the details of your story, but this poped into my mind:
“I know that I have to keep trying to educate my family and do what I can to protect them from the spath.”
Why do you think you have to educate your family about spaths? And, even if you do, do you really think they will listen to you & believe you?
Yes, try to protect them from the spath, but I get the impression that educating your family & protecting them from the spath may be like talking to a brick wall. Perhaps I’m wrong.
Also, since it sounds like you really do not want to be in the same room as the spath, do you have to go? Can you make an excuse like you don’t feel well? I say this because I’ve experienced many panic/anxiety attacks. The effects can linger w/in my mind & body for days after. Must you put yourself thru that?
Wishing you all the best, LynnieGirl.
Lynnie,
if you are in panic mode, don’t go anywhere that the spath will be. She will smell the fear and have you exactly where she wants you.
If you can calm yourself, I second 20year’s suggestion that you go and observe while using gray rock.
Laughter helps A LOT for calming down. watch some comedies for a few hours before you go. Maybe be prepared with some jokes to tell if she begins the drama rama.
“She will smell the fear and have you exactly where she wants you. ”
Yes. I suppose I’ve gotten to a point where I can’t put myself thru this nonsense anymore. If I really feel that I do not want to be in someone’s presence, to the point where it give me panic/anxiety attacks, I just don’t. period. I just won’t put myself thru it. Grey rock can work, but, I hate situations where it takes an enormous amount of mental & emotional energy to maintain grey rock. If it gets to that point, I just say “f’ it”, I’m not going, I don’t care what others think, I put my mental, emotional & physical health above all else. I can’t take any more hits, I gotta save myself.
Clair,
GOOD FOR YOU!!!! It is important to think about ourselves….and the AMOUNT of ENERGY that we have to expend to do what SOMEONE ELSE thinks we “should do.” Trying to keep person A happy by associating with TOXIC PERSON B is impossible.
My egg donor kept insisting that I was “ruining HER christmas” because i wouldn’t have Christmas dinner with her brother UNCLE MONSTER. I couldn’t stand to be in the same room with him. She insisted I was going to HELL because I wouldn’t “forgive” him (pretend like nothing had ever happened) but you know, SHE was being unreasonable to INSIST that I associate with her brother. She had a right to have him to her house if she wanted, it was HER HOUSE.
BUT, I also had a RIGHT **not** to associate with Uncle Monster, so I took my kids and/or husband and went to christmas dinner somewhere else. I solved thanksgiving by having it at a state park every year with my living history group’s event that week.
After uncle Monster died, I did have christmas at her house, but by then my son c had married the Psychopathic DIL so things were tense, but bearable. DIL knew I didn’t like her and I knew she didn’t like me but there had been no OPEN confrontations.
Keep in mind too, I knew this woman my DIL was a “biatch” but I never ever even DREAMED she would hate my son C (her husband) enough to try to kill him. The cheating on him I figured but not the attempted murder which was PLANNED OUT IN ADVANCE and guns bought for the purpose and a “story” of why they had to kill him to protect her (he had found out about their affair).
Fortunately, they weren’t able to accomplish this before C got through to the police and there just by teh grace of God was a cop nearby.
So now, anyone that I even think is a P is considered capable of murder in my book. I know not all of them would kill someone, but I ain’t takin’ no chances! LOL
If you’ve had open confrontations with this woman
Thank you, Oxy!!
“uncle Monster” and “Psychopathic DIL”, LOL, but, ugh!
Our refusal to play the game of “Trying to keep person A happy by associating with TOXIC PERSON B” is our newly discovered healthy self-love. I just CANNOT play these games anymore.
Oxy, you’re so wonderful. May the Lord bless you and keep you & your loved ones safe in the palm of His hand.