Since Lovefraud launched in 2005, I’ve collected 2,850 cases—people who have contacted me to tell me about their experiences with a sociopath. In nearly 100 of these cases—3.4%—the person who contacted me was not actually the victim, but was a friend or family member who was trying to pry the victim away from the sociopath. For example, here’s an email that Lovefraud recently received:
I have a sister-in-law who is dating a married man, who claims he will be getting a divorce, which is still yet to happen. Now she’s pregnant with his kid so things are more serious. They were supposed to move out together a couple months ago, but when the day came he disappeared, then a couple weeks later she found out she was pregnant by him then they were in contact again. Anyways, they went ahead and got an apartment again, which he’s not living in because he is still living with his wife, so it’s a come and go when he pleases”¦ He’s using her! This is not his first child out of wedlock, in fact, he has no contact with the other one and he has now cheated on his wife six times! All these red flags, and all she does is cover up for him. I’ve noticed she’s been depressed and been doing irresponsible things with her health as a result of this guy! Everyone also bluntly tells her that she’s basically his whore, so she knows how everyone feels. What do I do to open her eyes?
Lovefraud’s standard advice in this situation is that there isn’t much someone else can do—it’s up to the person who is involved with a sociopath to open her own eyes and see what is going on. In order to break away, the victim must feel, and own, the negative emotions associated with being controlled and/or abused. This will spark the victim’s desire to get out.
The best thing loved ones can do is stay in contact with the victim, because the sociopath will try to isolate him or her. Friends and loved ones should be emotionally supportive of the individual, but not supply material support, such as money or a place to live. The idea, essentially, is to wait it out, and then, when the relationship crashes and burns, be there to pick up the pieces.
Dr. Liane Leedom explained this approach in her article, “How can I get my _____ away from the psychopathic con artist?”
I’ve sent many, many people the link to that article. But every time I do, it is so dissatisfying. Isn’t there anything a loved one can do?
I understand that people become deeply bonded to sociopaths, especially when they are emotionally and physically intimate, and more especially when they are pregnant. I wrote a whole chapter in my new book, Red Flags of Love Fraud, that explains exactly how this happens. Chapter 6 is called “Sociopathic sex and bonding,” and it explains the psychology and biology of how this powerful psychological love bond is formed.
Here’s a chapter by chapter summary of the book.
Still, I don’t like the idea of just waiting around the victim hits bottom. Sometimes, by the time that happens, the victim is so broken that there is no recovery. And sometimes, when the victim hits bottom, she is dead.
So, I ask Lovefraud readers: Have you ever conducted a successful intervention? If you were the friend or family member of someone in the clutches of a sociopath, were you able to get him or her out? How? Or, if you were the person bonded to the sociopath, did anyone ever do or say anything that gave you the strength to leave?
If anything works, please let us know. I’d love to be able to offer more heartening suggestions.
Clair, part of my above post “disappeared” LOL I mean to say “if you’ve had open confrontations with this woman it may be harder to just endure.
Thank you so much. God has been wonderful to me and I think His hand has been in the mix warning me to flee when I did because I sure didn’t want to go into hiding…it is against my nature. I wanted to STAND AND FIGHT, but I had to realize that you can’t defend a ranch style house like you could a fort against the Indians, LOL So I figured the better part of valor was to RUN and that was what we did and we were gone before they knew it and when they couldn’t find us, it changed the game and the P DIL and her now-BF the trojan Horse my son Patrick had sent to kill me decided to steal money, kill son C and make it look like “self defense” and be “home free” with the egg donor’s money. LOL Didn’t work out like that for them (they both went to jail) But I see the hand of God in there for sure. I learned some things too….about how little “stuff” is worth, even my house that I practically buiilt with my own hands and the land that my family has lived on for generations. NOTHING is worth getting killed over. SAFETY First.
If necessary, I’ll go back into hiding….
GLAD you are not playing the games any more Clair, it is difficult to learn to set boundaries but once we learn and get our toes wet, it is easier to put our feet in the water! So keep on and before you know it you will be SWIMMING in self love!
Thank you, Oxy. I’m in awe of you.
Don’t know if you recall, but I’m in a family business with an SP relative. Well, after his rage fest about 2 weeks ago, decided I was DONE, DONE, DONE, DONE, DONE, DONE, DONE, DONE. I had such an intense anxiety/panic attack that my body was still vibrating for a week thereafter. I’m working with my lawyer & in a few months, I shall set the SP “free”. Oxy, you helped me come to this decision, so THANK YOU SO MUCH!!
I simply cannot tolerate the SP BS anymore. So, yup, got a BIG swimming pool filled with healthy self love.
Clair I am glad that you are making progress….and you know I don’t think anything is worth dealing with these jack asses every day….I Know we can’t have a “perfect world” in which to live, but I’m just getting so “independent’ I think I’d rather live under a bridge in a card board box than in a mansion with a psychopath.
What is that bible verse that says something along the lines of “a crust of bread eaten in peace is better than a feast eaten in a house of chaos” or words to that effect.
I love my little house in the woods and my wild flowers and the peace here and quiet…but it is nothing if I don’t feel safe here, and I’m prepared to leave here and not look back…take my RV and head for the hills….
I need advice on the best way to handle a situation with my nephew. His father passed away and his mother lives 4 hours away so I feel like I need to do what I can to help him see that he is being conned by a spath.
He has been dating a girl for 5-6 months that he met on the intra-net. She has faked cancer, being a nurse, lied about her age and told my nephew she is part owner in the family business and has a lot of money, yet he pays for everything. She showed him a bank statement as proof of how much money she has (I assume it was probably her father’s business account? as he does own a millworking company.) They are living at her parent’s house, but if she is not there, he has to leave, likely so he doesn’t talk to her family one on one as her lies might come out.
The first time I met her was the 4th of July. She said she had cancer in her breasts, uterus and cervix. Her head was shaved and she wore a bandana. She said she was currently going through chemo, showing my daughter a bruise on her arm where it was administered. She was smoking and drinking and appeared healthy, picking up her 4 year old son without a problem, walking around, etc. When she got to the steps, she held out her arm and yelled to my nephew to help her up the stairs. I thought, “Wow, she is really playing the sympathy card” I was suspicious right away as I am a nurse, but I was not 100% sure as I did not know how far into her tx she was and if she had only had one chemo treatment, she might still have her hair. She told my daughter she had several lumps in her breasts, which was another red flag as cancer tumors are removed right away, before chemo is started. She told me she was a nurse and I thought it was strange that as a nurse, she was drinking while going through chemo. When she was deemed “cancer free” one month later, I knew for sure she was lying. It was obvious she had shaved her head as she never went completely bald, and she never lost any other body hair. A couple weeks after announcing she was cancer free, she announced she was pregnant and my newphew proposed. She is trying to rush the wedding, before the baby is born and before her sister gets married next year. She told my nephew she had an iud and when he asked her how she got pregnant with the iud, she told him, “You must have moved it.” I believe she got pregnant intentionally so she could get him to marry her. Her sister is getting married next year and her sister actually did have lymphoma 4 years ago. I believe she is very jealous of her sister and is trying to “out do” her, so to speak. We asked my nephew to go to the MD visits with her and ask how the chemo would affect the baby and she was always making excuses and didn’t let him go with her, telling him the MD said the chemo wouldn’t hurt the baby so there was no need for him to ask about it.
I called my nephew and questioned him a little about her cancer. I told him I was worried about him and that things about her cancer didn’t make sense to me. He sort of shrugged it off and didn’t really have answers to my questions. I didn’t come straight out and say I thought she was lying about the cancer, I just told him things didn’t make sense. It didn’t make sense why she still had a uterus if she had uterine cancer and that she never had surgery on her breasts if she had breast cancer, etc.
I told my sister (my nephew’s mother) my suspicions, and we did a little digging. She told me she was a nurse in Nevada and Minnesota so I asked her in a FB message to send me her resume’. She said “thanks for thinking of me but I will be on bedrest for the rest of the pregnancy.” She was 3 months along at that point. I then asked her why she was on bedrest as it is unusual at 3 months and she changed her story to “I am going on bedrest in the middle of the 2nd trimester as I am high risk.” I asked her why she was high risk and did not get a response.
We were able to get proof that she lied about her age (we did a criminal search and she had a dui) and being a nurse, as we tried to verify her nursing license and were not able. I needed to somehow get proof that she was faking the cancer so I took a chance and sent an e-mail to her sister (I have never met her). I asked the sister if she would be interested in planning a baby shower together and mentioned what a blessing the pregnancy was, given that she had just finished chemo. The sister told me her sister has never had cancer or chemo and apologized that I was misled by her sister and said she is known for her false stories for attention
My sister brought this information to her son, but he still does not know the truth because his girlfriend just changes her story, she told him, “Oh, my sister didn’t know I had cancer.” My sister only brought proof she does not have a license in MN, and he said, “She is a nurse in Nevada.” My sister didn’t know that I had also checked Nevada’s records so she did not tell him I checked both states.
My sister had dinnner with her son and his girlfriend the next evening. His girlfriend told my sister she needed to contact me and tell me not to contact her sister because “She doesn’t want anything to do with the baby shower, she is not a nice person.” My sister then asked her, “If she is not a nice person, why did you make her your sons Godmother?” She replied, “My sister cornered me with a weapon and forced me to make her the Godmother.”
I am not sure if I should contact the sister again and ask for her help/advice or if I should meet my nephew for lunch and try to get him to see the truth? I realized contacting her sister again could very well backfire, I am also a little nervous about retaliation from this girl. I have told my entire family and his best friend what is going on but everyone is afraid to talk to my nephew as he can be stubborn and they are afraid he will get defensive and push them away. I am a little afraid for my own safety as I do not know what this girl is capable of, but I also cannot just sit here and do nothing. I feel like she is already starting to isolate him, his friend sent him a text message asking to get together and he never got the message, so I assume she erased it before he saw it. She is also always reading his text and FB messages before he does.
I deleted her on FB to cut off contact and she re-friend requested me. I have ignorned this request so she knows I am onto her, but I wonder if I should accept her request and try to get some of her lies on “paper” as I might need them in the future if it ever comes down to a custody battle or false accusations against either myself or my nephew. I can imagine if my newphew does wake up and see what she is doing, she may make false abuse or child abuse accusations so she can win custody, especially after what she said about her sister!
I am also unsure what to do when the holiday’s come around. I don’t want this girl in my house on Thanksgiving, I don’t trust her. How do I have a family get together and not invite her? We also have Thanksgiving and Christmas at my fathers house and I am afraid someone in the family (or myself) might call her out on her lies and a fight will ensue. It will be very hard to face her and not call her out. I am just so disgusted! My son tells me there is no way he can be nice to her, so I am not sure how the next family get together will go… Any advise is much appreciated. This is beginning to consume me!
wise2lies,
Your nephew has indicated to resist outward interference. Has he ever spoken about doubts himself to anyone? These are the sole moments anyone else is open to some kind of sober response, seeking validation for what they are experiencing.
But from what you are describing I don’t think he’s done that so far. A reason may already be that he has already experienced suspicion from others towards her, and so his loyalty feelings demand him to not come to any of you with his own doubts. Any more ‘intervention’ tactics to show him the thruth, warnings about her will just make him voluntarily isolate himself from his family.
Unless you know something lifethreatening, I would avoid to interfere at the moment.
I’m sorry 🙁
I wish my family would read an article like this. My parents and one sister are narcissists. She is 50 and still lives with them, so they have a gang over there with everyone trying to run the show through lying and manipulation and nonsense. So I don’t have a family really. They have rarely been there for me unless I was giving back tenfold. But, I know that there are family members who care and it is nice to see an article that helps them know what to do.
In our experience, it seems as if no one would believe us when warned. We do regret not warning our ex-daughter-in-law (though at the time we knew there was a problem but didn’t know what it was)before she married our son. After he deserted her (as well as treated her like trash, cheated, stole, etc.)and we met with her to help, we found out that she had kept her distance from us because he portrayed US as evil and psychos. Even her family, was told the same. And they all said that they wouldn’t have believed us anyway if we tried to warn them because of the picture he painted of us. He was just so good at convincing them. We did try to warn the next victim by a letter. She quickly broke it off with him (he almost had her completely hooked)but claimed it was because WE were the psychos-not him (she felt like she was being stalked?!)! Believe me, the letter was a very heartfelt, caring warning to her, telling her it was not an easy letter to write. As for our immediate family, they know ALL the details about our son, but because he is so sweet, caring and charming, they don’t believe us. They think what we are saying is because we are just bitter and hurt. Why would any mother and father make up something so horrible, shameful and evil about their own son? So, in our experience, it has not helped to try and warn anyone. It is just too far-fetched for anyone to believe.
Heartbroken Mom of 1 – I commend you for your efforts for at least trying to warn. It is so painful for you, but at least you know that you tried.
Wow. A very heart wrenching story, from a broken hearted mom. I agree that there is little the family of a sociopath can do to warn their next victim because they are so good and creating their own story. But, I do feel good knowing there are people like you out there.
I thought of one thing you can do from now on. After he has gone through another victim, you can send them an anonymous card with this website address on it. You could also send them her book and you would not even have to let the victim know it is you as that could put you in the path of your son’s rage.
They are so perfect and so loving, victims will rarely receive a warning and appreciate it. Although, I did call a member of the family and ask, “What is wrong with him?” and they didn’t have an answer, but admitted something was wrong. I still tried and still had to learn my lessons from the person. But, it did make a difference when I knew the family knew. I have secretly spoken to his father on the phone a few times and he has been very supportive. It helps some. But, as a victim, I am the only one who can get myself educated. If you send each victim some educational information, it could at least be the last time THEY are victimized by your son, or any other person who finds them an easy target. Thank you for sharing your story.
Dear Heartbroken Mom,
You wrote: “…they all said that they wouldn’t have believed us anyway.”
Mom, this is a letter of thanks to you for trying to warn your DIL.
One of the most horrid elements of my (finally! concluded) marriage of thirty years to a psychopath was knowing his family had to be aware of his disorder but didn’t say a word until after the ceremony…about a year later, his mother let on that “he’s a pathological liar” and that was the only warning I got, way too late to save me and our two daughters from the conniving, methodical, calculating destruction they knew was ahead for us.
His mother was sadly affected by a premature form of Alzheimer’s and passed away. Throughout the years, his father shared venomous feelings for my husband, claiming he’d “turned into somebody else” in his late teens and broken the man’s heart. I defended my husband against all these tales and the accusations that attended them. At 94, my FIL passed away, leaving a substantial estate to my husband and his sister.
Well, guess what?!
My husband decided to dump me and the kids for a married woman he met at work, and to keep all of “Grandpa’s” money for himself.
No, it didn’t work out that way in the affair or the legal proceeding, thankfully! — but that was his wish for the loyal wife and daughters who only thought they knew him.
The man has spent the past three years living it up on his father’s money while the rest of us work, weep and wonder what’s next. (Just now he called to tell me he’d be happy to paint my house and would give me a good rate.)
My mom died when I was young and I’ve no local extended family to rely on or to offer the kids for support. His only other relative is a sister out-of-town who says he was a pain for their family too. Yeah….I’ll bet.
And, I’ll bet they were just thrilled to see their problem getting married off to somebody who’d take care of him for them. Where a nasty young man was before, a lovely (if artificial) family appeared. What my husband has done is literally his father’s worst fear, he’s everything my FIL said and more (less), a nightmare of lies, manipulation and abuse. IF ONLY the man and his then-sane wife would have told me BEFORE I married him, then I wouldn’t feel my kids and I had been surrounded by evil from the get-go, and JUST MAYBE I’d still be able to trust somebody, anybody, sometime in the future.
As it is…not.
If your son gets close enough to another relationship that you feel the partner is at risk, ABSOLUTELY — PLEASE!! — share your thoughts briefly and directly: “My son has disappointed me in his previous relationships, and I want you to know that my concerns remain.” Then if that person goes ahead with the relationship (she will, and I would have) at least she won’t feel as though you were just another guard in her torture chamber, holding open the door.
A dose of cold, hard, irrefutable facts, as often as needed, for as long as needed. General terms or vague references do nothing, except perhaps make the person you are trying to help hate you and turn even further to the spath.
While facts are as hard to come by as any medical break through, they do work. Saying that someone is irresponsible, hurts others, takes advantage, lies, can all be denied by the person needing help and turned around by the spath. Having your victim talk to some one that was involved with the spath is a hard does of reality. Your friend may deny what the past victim says, but contrary to their words the seed has been planted. Mind seeds are like lawn weeds, they never completely go away.
Things that were said to me by well meaning people; ‘I think he’s gay’; ‘maybe he’s doing drugs’; ‘his last girlfriend dumped him after he made her cry’; ‘I can’t put my finger on it, but something’s not right’; ‘he’s using you’; ‘you are going to get hurt’; and my favorite ‘he makes me uncomfortable to be around’. These are broad sweeping statements that, under the right circumstances, can be applied to many people.
Don’t ever lie or exaggerate about the spath to the person you are trying to help. As Sargent Joe Friday said;”just the facts”. Once a victim catches you in a lie about the spath, even if you meant it in all best intentions, they will never believe you or any of your words again. The spath will be the hero, without lifting a finger.
When dealing with an spath, I also believe that a physical separation is a wonder drug. I think the Amish rite of “rumspringa” is a perfect antidote to the spath. The victim gets to see the real world with no input from the spath. The old chestnut, ” absence makes the heart grow fonder” does not apply to anything to do with the spath as the spath has no heart. The victim will grieve, cry, for being away from their ‘love’ at first; but seeing and living in a world without the sociopath additive, will eventually take over. The freedom is exhilarating.
Or maybe the Amish people could offer a ‘retreat’ program for people in a sociopathic relationship. They have to do nothing except let us live in their world with no phones, computers, no contact with the spath, nothing. For us a carefree, threatfree, sociopath free time; a chance to meet ourselves again. A reverse rumspringa.