Since Lovefraud launched in 2005, I’ve collected 2,850 cases—people who have contacted me to tell me about their experiences with a sociopath. In nearly 100 of these cases—3.4%—the person who contacted me was not actually the victim, but was a friend or family member who was trying to pry the victim away from the sociopath. For example, here’s an email that Lovefraud recently received:
I have a sister-in-law who is dating a married man, who claims he will be getting a divorce, which is still yet to happen. Now she’s pregnant with his kid so things are more serious. They were supposed to move out together a couple months ago, but when the day came he disappeared, then a couple weeks later she found out she was pregnant by him then they were in contact again. Anyways, they went ahead and got an apartment again, which he’s not living in because he is still living with his wife, so it’s a come and go when he pleases”¦ He’s using her! This is not his first child out of wedlock, in fact, he has no contact with the other one and he has now cheated on his wife six times! All these red flags, and all she does is cover up for him. I’ve noticed she’s been depressed and been doing irresponsible things with her health as a result of this guy! Everyone also bluntly tells her that she’s basically his whore, so she knows how everyone feels. What do I do to open her eyes?
Lovefraud’s standard advice in this situation is that there isn’t much someone else can do—it’s up to the person who is involved with a sociopath to open her own eyes and see what is going on. In order to break away, the victim must feel, and own, the negative emotions associated with being controlled and/or abused. This will spark the victim’s desire to get out.
The best thing loved ones can do is stay in contact with the victim, because the sociopath will try to isolate him or her. Friends and loved ones should be emotionally supportive of the individual, but not supply material support, such as money or a place to live. The idea, essentially, is to wait it out, and then, when the relationship crashes and burns, be there to pick up the pieces.
Dr. Liane Leedom explained this approach in her article, “How can I get my _____ away from the psychopathic con artist?”
I’ve sent many, many people the link to that article. But every time I do, it is so dissatisfying. Isn’t there anything a loved one can do?
I understand that people become deeply bonded to sociopaths, especially when they are emotionally and physically intimate, and more especially when they are pregnant. I wrote a whole chapter in my new book, Red Flags of Love Fraud, that explains exactly how this happens. Chapter 6 is called “Sociopathic sex and bonding,” and it explains the psychology and biology of how this powerful psychological love bond is formed.
Here’s a chapter by chapter summary of the book.
Still, I don’t like the idea of just waiting around the victim hits bottom. Sometimes, by the time that happens, the victim is so broken that there is no recovery. And sometimes, when the victim hits bottom, she is dead.
So, I ask Lovefraud readers: Have you ever conducted a successful intervention? If you were the friend or family member of someone in the clutches of a sociopath, were you able to get him or her out? How? Or, if you were the person bonded to the sociopath, did anyone ever do or say anything that gave you the strength to leave?
If anything works, please let us know. I’d love to be able to offer more heartening suggestions.
I need some advice regarding my son…if anyone can help, I would truly appreciate it.
I have two children with my ex-spath. My son is almost 15 and my daughter is almost 13. We divorced in 2005 and I have fought and fought in court to keep my children with me as much as possible. I haven’t had the money to do this (as he has), but that didn’t matter…their sanity and safety did. Last year, my son started telling me he wanted to live with his dad (we were in the middle of another court case). The courts, again, sided with me, but my son became outraged. He called me every name in the book and a couple times I almost had to call the police because he was so out of control. He never hit me, though…was incredibly verbally abusive. This reminded me so much of my ex. But, my son was on 14…is he a sociopath? Or is he just mimicking his dad?
Anyway, I let him go. I couldn’t afford it financially anymore and ALL of us were just falling apart under the stress.
He left at Christmas and I must admit that my home is a new place. It is one of peace and happiness. I don’t ever remember it being this way. My daughter is happy, my new husband and I are happy, my ex is quite(r) and my son appears happy.
Where I’m needing advice is how often do I need to reach out to my son? I am still hurt by the horrible things he said to me, but I try to put that aside and keep a relationship going. He lives 30 minutes away, so it’s not far, but he is very involved in baseball and really doesn’t have time to come home on my weekends. He has come home twice, but has only stayed one night. I try to take him out to dinner when our schedules work and that goes OK. Our visits are pleasant, but very shallow. I guess it will take time to rebuild? I try to stay involved in his life and my goal is to attend one baseball game a week. I try to call and text him periodically, but I’m not getting much acknowledgement back from him. I realize that he is a teenage boy.
I thought I could save him from his dad, but I couldn’t. Now, I’m exhausted and it is a ton of effort on my part to stay involved in his life. It’s not fun – I dread it and that’s a horrible thing for a mother to say. I love him dearly and will be here for him when he needs the pieces of his life picked up after his dad destroys it (unless he’s just like his dad). But, what do you all suggest I do as far as involvement in his life? My ex forces my daughter to see him and she hates it. I don’t feel that’s the best thing to do. I don’t text or call every night – maybe only once a week. I have horrible guilt over this, but I’m still trying to heal from everything I went through.
Any thoughts from those of you more experienced, or able to see this situation in a different light, would be great.
Effie, that was eye opening.
My spath got remarried – that hasn’t stopped him from regularly appearing in my life. So many times I have wanted to tell his curent wife what he’s up to, but I have been counseled not to.
I have this completely terrible text message he sent me last week ripping his wife. I want to expose him for the fraud he is, and send it to her.
Dear Elizabeth,
You’ve done all you can. There’s no way you can MAKE someone want to be with you, or spend time with you.
I don’t know if your son is cranking up to be a sociopath like his dad, or is just under the influence of his dad or what…only time will tell the answer to that.
I have one son who is a psychopath, and he is in prison for murder, I have another son who is just a jerk wad, but I’m done being jerked over by him….I want my life to be PEACEFUL.
You talk about your home being peaceful and good, well, accept that as a blessing and you and your daughter enjoy that peace.
I know you love your son, but he is making CHOICES and though you don’t like the choices he is making…they are his choices. It is painful I also know that. A couple of years ago my jerk wad son hurt me terribly, but I also realized I don’t want the hurt any more. Your son is still young so I think I would give him some distance and not try to “force” him to be with you if he doesn’t want to be, that is only going to be counter productive I think. (((hugs))) and God bless.
Elizabeth,
Part of growing up for a young man involves breaking away from mom. It is what it is. And they will make these choices out of a compulsion, I think, that is deeper than reason. And these boys want male companionship.
It is difficult for a child to switch their allegiance from a parent to a steparent. There isn’t much we can do to force it either.
I feel for your concern and situation. Its one which is wincingly familiar.
My son went to live with his dad. And at the end of the year, he asked to come back in very certain terms. He was wise enough to know what he was seeing. And the difference was compelling for him. He returned of his own free will and I am grateful for that.
I didn’t talk to him for a few months. And then, I called him to see how he was doing. I told him that I was there for him if he needed me and made sure to send cards at holidays etc because we were across the country from each other.
Occasionally we emailed. He wasn’t very chatty until he came for a visit and then, he spilled ALL of his frustrations. I listened. Asked a few clarifying questions and waited for him to say what he wanted.
We arranged for him to meet a friend who is a psychologist who spent an afternoon with him discussing his educational plans. She helped him to research his school options. And they talked a bit.
He made his decision on the basis of which parent asked him to lie for them and which one did not. It gave him the clarity he needed.
He made the decision.
You can’t decide for them. But, you can “be there” and they can be trusted to be a lot more aware than we would give them credit for.
What if you let him know your door is open and see what he does? If you just turn your back because he made the decision to go to dad’s you are sure to lose connection with him.
I bet he doesn’t want to lose his mom. He just wanted to be at dad’s. Why do we think that is a decision of mutual exclusion? Sometimes we need to let them choose. They don’t always make the choices we would.
But we know, dad is going to let him down. And that he is going to have the experience that people have with spaths. Eventually, he’s going to need you.
I’d guess he misses you too. And his sister.
The whole issue of how kids and especially boys process divorce and remarriage is central to this. You may want to read about it.
His experience and yours are every different. He may be at dad’s out of pity for dad. You have a new husband and dad is alone. He may be there because he feels loyalty to his dad and isn’t ready to allow the step dad to take that place. He may feel responsible for the divorce.
There is a lot that goes on around the whole divorce thing with kids that most parents are pretty clueless about because they are so caught up in their own experience.
And they don’t know.
Kids can have very strong feelings that we don’t learn about for a long time. And they have to reprocess the whole thing at each new stage of development. Its a lot of work for them. This on top of being a teenager which has its own tribulations.
For a boy his age, the most important thing is friends. Boys depend on their friends tremendously. Does he have friends he can reach better from dad’s? They may be more important to him than the father.
Enjoy the peace and leave the door open.
See what happens?
Thank you both! I have let him know that I am here for him, that he is always welcome at my home and that he needs to let me know what he needs from me. I know that is not going to register fully right now, but hopefully he will remember my words one day.
People don’t really understand how much healing needs to happen after going through battle with a sociopath. It’s this site that I come back to, during the difficult times, that helps me heal. Thank you for responding so quickly.
Hello All,
Unfortunately I am a new alum on LF. I emailed Donna about my family’s situation concerning my brother-in-law and his “new” wife. I apologize for the length, but I could truly write a book. Our story goes something like this:
My family is dealing with a woman my brother in law married a year ago, and we are going through a living hell. My brother in law can’t, won’t or chooses not to believe this woman to be anything but wonderful. We truly believe her to be a sociopath, but she also has other tendencies that we cannot put our finger on. I will give you a “little” background.
My BIL met this woman in 2009, from what he has said they had one “date”, he came home and she was on his front porch and basically never went home. At the time, his daughter and two grandchildren were living with him. Within a month or so, his daughter was forced out. We didn’t meet her until May of that year; he had been seeing her since February or March. He told us about her this way, “I’m kinda seeing this woman, she ain’t got no job, she’s been married 4 or 5 times, she’s living in a camper; she’s kinda bigger than the other girls I’ve dated, she ain’t much to look at, but she’s a good old girl”. My SIL and I told him that he came from a family of “big” girls, and none of us were raving beauties (anymore). During this time, we had an uncle that was in the hospital for several months, this is where some of the family met her and my BIL chose to introduce her to his parents. One of our cousins had a long talk with BIL about the woman; he told her that she had been a former Marine and a police officer for 13yrs. He also told her about these drunken escapades of her driving a car under the influence and riding a motorcycle drunk. My BIL seemed to find this intriguing and exciting. Our cousin told him that this person was not for him and that he needed to get away from her; our cousin is a recovering alcoholic 15 yrs sober. My BIL laughed it off and said that they were not serious.
Shortly after, she friended all of us on Facebook, it didn’t take long to realize this person was different. Her Facebook page read like a 16 year old teenager full of drama. Before our family reunion in June, she started attacking my niece about her children; threatening to take them away. They gauged full out war on each other. My husband inboxed them and told them to stop because this was not how our family acted. Later on, she inboxed my daughter, who was living in Korea, about needing help with her cousing; my daughter had no clue who she was. By that October, she had gotten mad at husband, my SIL and me and deleted us from her Facebook. On Halloween, my BIL’s house was robbed; my husband went over there and talked with the police, all signs pointed to an inside job. Since moving in with my BIL, she had a parade of strangers in and out of his home every day; she never said one word to my husband.
Christmas was a disaster, no one wanted her there and my BIL sat holding her hand and never left her side. She was mad the whole time and later accused me of making her uncomfortable and “in your facing” her about my BIL’s ex-wife. On New Year’s Day she wrote on her Facebook that she was tired of being the “new” girl and asked her friends how long she had to put up with it. Of course, all her friends chimed in and it became a bash his family session. Later she went on Facebook and said that she was sick of having to “follow” someone in his family and that this person was in charge and ran the family (this would be me). Her family and friends trashed us, said that we were sad people with unhappy lives and all kinds of nasty comments. My MIL saw these and confronted my BIL; she told him to tell her to take them off because our family didn’t air dirty laundry publicly. He went nuts, telling her that we disrespected her and treated her like crap. My MIL told him that she was the one treating people badly and it needed to stop. Unfortunately it was only the beginning. Since 2010 she has berated us on Facebook, in emails and messages. We took the stance that we would not answer her in any way, we never responded to emails or messages. This seemed to make her even crazier and the accusations got worse.
In 2010, they got married. She had sent my MIL several nasty emails telling her she was a terrible parent and that my BIL was the oldest and should be treated better; she then sent an email telling her how much she loved her. This was her 4th marriage and she wanted a big wedding, and trashed us because we didn’t help with the expense. My BIL wanted to go to a JP, but she wouldn’t have it. The day before the wedding, she sent me a message that was laced with lies and ended it with saying my BIL was fully prepared to never see his family again. My husband wound up meeting my BIL and giving him the message, but he said that he loved her and that this was our entire fault. After the wedding, she sent my husband a message and told him to get over it, that she was now MRS. BIL and we were going to have to deal with it.
That August was my in-laws 50th Wedding Anniversary and we threw them a party. We decided that the three kids would split the cost of the party. My husband and I, and my SIL and her husband wound up paying for all but $100 of it. My BIL said that he had a wedding to pay for and just couldn’t afford it. My husband and I created a slideshow for the party and it included three photographs of my BIL’s ex-wife (of more than 20 years). They were not blatant, one was at my SIL’s wedding (a family photo), one of her holding my niece and one holding my nephew. My husband called his brother a week or so before the party and asked him to come by his office so that he could tell him. My BIL wasn’t thrilled, but was fine when my husband told him what the pictures were and that they were not just he and his ex-wife, he was fine. That is until he went home and told his wife. She went through the roof and demanded that we put three or four pictures from their wedding in it. My BIL called my husband and I have never heard them argue like that before; they were yelling so loud, I could hear every word my BIL was saying and I was in another room. After about 20 minutes, my husband was able to get his brother to calm down and he told him that his wife was not going to dictate what we put in to a slideshow for his parents, especially since she had only been in the family for three weeks and you could count on one had the number of times we had been in her presence. Once my BIL had calmed down (he was away from his wife), he was his old self again. They even laughed about his not wanting to get off the phone because he would have to face his wife again. That wasn’t the first fight between them since she came into the family and would not be the last.
My nephew (BIL’s son) is in the Air Force, she has sent him many emails trashing him and his family while he was serving in Africa and Afghanistan. In one last July, she made references about wanting to die a sweet death beside him (BIL). My nephew fears for his father’s life, but my BIL won’t talk to him about it. Last January, my niece and her husband wound up in jail and my BIL and his wife took her children. My niece has to this day not straightened up and they now have co guardianship of the children. There was no investigation or questioning of family members about her character or sanity. In February, she sent my MIL, my husband and my SIL really nasty messages; taunting my husband and bold face lies to my MIL. My husband told his brother that if we received anything else, we were going to the prosecuting attorney and having a restraining order taken out against her. We have not heard from her since, but we know that she still trashes us on her Facebook and makes damning statements about us.
She befriended the paternal grandmother of the children and has told her things such as my husband and I only go to my in-laws house because we want to make sure we get all their money when they die. My in-laws are 70 and 74 years old and they have never had anything like this happen in their family. They only want peace and they want to see their son and great grandchildren. My MIL decided that she would start emailing the woman again, a last ditch effort to try and bring peace. My MIL told her in an email that the two of them had to fix the relationship between my BIL and my husband. She replied to MIL that she just hated that they were fighting over her, but that BIL just can’t get past what my husband and I have done to her. She invited us to a birthday party for my great niece earlier this month; she told my MIL because she said that I have told her to never contact us again. I never told her that, I did however tell my BIL that his wife was to never contact my children again. I believe that she thinks she can drive a wedge between my in-laws and me. She acts as though she and I came into the family at the same time and that I have no relationship with my BIL’s family. My husband and his brother have always been exceptionally close and this has killed my husband. He and I have tried talking to him on several occasions and he says he understands but that he loves her. I have known my BIL since I was 13 years old, and all through his dating years and 20-year marriage; he would never allow anyone to talk to his family the way he has allowed this woman to.
She has now turned her wrath on the paternal grandmother and is saying just awful things to her. On her Facebook, she talks about how much she loves the children, but privately, she tells the PG that they are “not my blood” and that she is sick of caring for them and going to take them to DHS and there is nothing she can do about it. She makes herself out to be the perfect grandma on Facebook and that she is sacrificing so much, but she really doesn’t want them. She only allows the children to be around her family, and they and we are being deprived of watching them grow up. However, we know that if we volunteer to watch them or take them somewhere we will be scrutinized beyond belief and then it would be expected and never truly appreciated.
The PG and I have reached out to her family and were told that it is in fact our fault and were given excuses for her behavior. I was told that she had a rough childhood, that during her stint as a police officer that she had someone kill himself while she was at his home. I have been told that she has had between 6 and 8 electroshock treatments, been in institutions and has taken lots of medication. She told the PG that before the shock treatments that she could not cry. She also has a history of getting into fights with men and women and is still a big drinker.
I want my family back and to not be killed in the process; I truly believe the woman to be dangerous. She hates my husband and me to the core. My fear is that I am growing obsessed with this woman because I cannot figure out how she thinks and cannot understand her lack of reasoning. Our family has resigned themselves to the fact that she isn’t going anywhere, but we are living without my BIL and his grandchildren.
We have kept almost all of the emails and messages she has sent to us, she knows this and is furious; she calls it our “file”. We figured they might come in handy one day. My BIL was out of town last week, and she bombarded the PG every day with nasty emails. I told the PG to not answer her and she got worse. In the meantime, she has been sending my nephew emails and calling him “the golden child and the chosen one”, trashing him because his fiancé is pregnant and is furious because our family likes the girl and we accept that they are having a child. I know that my BIL knows none of this, but if we were to tell him, he wouldn’t believe us.
Now my MIL has begun to email the woman again. I noticed a while back that she was including “her” in email forwards. My SIL and I told her that she could not continue to communicate with the woman and I talked to her about Donnas’ book and Dr. Martha Stout’s book The Sociopath Next Door. The comment was made that a sociopath or narcissist cannot help that they were born that way, immediately, she pointed at us and said, “That is what I’ve been waiting for you to say, you have to have sympathy for them”. We told her no because if you continue it will destroy you. I know that there are varying opinions on whether they are born that way or not, but I truly think my MIL thinks she can help, fix or save her. The really sad thing is that we were at their house recently and she had her email open and when I went to close it out, she had 5 or 6 emails (forwards) that she had sent to the woman separately from the ones she sends to us. So now she is hiding the fact that she is trying to communicate with her. My husband asked his mother when she heard from “her” last and she said that she hadn’t heard from her since early in February just after the birthday party.
Yesterday, I found out that after almost a month and a half, the woman sent MIL an email and all it said was that she wanted to say hi and hoped everyone was doing okay. MIL answered her right away with a 3 paragraph email telling her that God was going to bless her for taking care of my BIL’s grandchildren. To me, that makes MIL seem desperate for any communication with her and fulfilled “her” need to be praised and admired. I adore my MIL and I believe she has become immune or desensitized to my husband and I talking to her about the woman. I want to make sure the rest of the family is educated on dealing with sociopaths and narcissists and not come off as pushy or preachy. I love my family, but it gets harder and harder to try and not just blow a gasket. This woman is a cancer and I know my BIL has begun to put insurance policies and things in her name, which is frightening. We have struggled with having an intervention, but for fear of losing my BIL we haven’t. I just know that there has got to be a success story out there somewhere.
Any ideas or encouragements are welcome.
Thanks for having me” ïŠ
Dear LynnieGirl,
Well you certainally do have a FAMILY DRAMA going on there don’t you….sounds like either a psychopathic or borderline Personality disordered woman that your BIL married. Until he sees, there is nothing you can do unfortunately, she is well schooled in how to play this game. You said she had 4-5 previous husbands and we can only hope that there is a divorce in the NEAR FUTURE concerning your BIL.
Sounds like your MIL is trying to “save” her and “make peace” but my suggestion is that the family (as many of them as you can get together with) shunning this woman, going NC with her, blocking her e mails and FB friends and anything else you can block her from will deprive her of drama. Of course, she wil lup the antie so be prepared for that as much as you can. Hopefully if she doesn’t ahve drama she will go away. Good luck.
Thank you Ox.
I haven’t gone “public” with this before now. Many of my friends and co-workers know about this because that is what a police officer told me to do. I sometimes find myself embarrassed because we couldn’t prevent this from happening. I also know that people will say, “Well, there are two sides to every story and this is just your opinion or side”. We have at least 100 pages of Facebook messages, emails and texts that she has sent to us. We would have more, but didn’t start saving them until they had been together nearly a year. I wish with all my might that you could see theses pages (all in her own words) and then people could see for themselves.
You are correct that she is well schooled or has honed her skills well. I wish I could see a divorce in the near future, but the hold she has over my BIL is mind-boggling; it is so strong that he has changed political parties and church denominations since he met her. My BIL is a very kind hearted person who would give you the shirt off his back. She snagged him because she saw this quality in him and the fact that he was coming off a divorce and was lonely. I believe she thought his entire family was like him, simple, she was mistaken. My BIL will defend her to the death and you cannot even talk to him in a non-threatening way about her. He constantly tries to interject her into conversation or bring her up for no reason.
Yes, I believe my MIL is trying to “save or make peace” with ’her” too. One of the reasons is that my BIL has told his mother that he finally feels like he has a home, and that she makes him happy. The funny thing is that his wife always says that he is so unhappy and devastated by what his family has done to her. She has also put on her
Facebook that things aren’t going well at home. I wish MIL had asked him how he could be happy without his all of his family around. Of course the spath/narc/bpd has told him that it is our fault and he always says that her family treats him well and loves him. Well duh, they don’t have to deal with her since she is with him.
I believe she truly hates my husband and me because we saw what she was from the beginning. There was never any doubt on our part. However, I must say that when BIL began defending her so vehemently, there were times I would second-guess myself that maybe I was wrong. It only took a few minutes for those doubts to go away.
The scariest part of this is that she is raising three little children under the age of four. I just keep hearing the old poem “Children Learn What they Live” running through my head. I have been honest with my BIL, and told him in February of 2011 that I believed his wife was capable of harming my husband and me and that I was afraid for the children. He blew it off and said that she would never harm him, the children or us. I pray with every ounce of my being that he is right.
My husband and I are absolutely NC when it comes to her, but I know that another birthday invitation will be coming soon and my MIL, FIL and SIL will go to BIL’s home, for him, not her as they said the last time. And, our family reunion will be in June and she will come to it because BIL cannot go anywhere with family and she not be there. I can’t wrap my head around it, I wouldn’t be able to show my face knowing that every person there knows what I have said and done. I also know that I am not like her because I have a conscience. I would be humiliated, embarrassed and just sick knowing what I had done to “the man I love, my soul mates” family. I guess that is why I can’t understand her family not trying to get her more help. I have seen some of the things she has said to her daughter and they are awful. I was “friends” with her sister on Facebook for a long time, and at least twice a month she and her sister would be “friends”, again. That means she was unfriending or deleting her sister over and over. The sister told the paternal grandmother of the children, that the spath/narc/bpd “does this all the time, it’s what she does, you just have to get used to it and get over it”.
Anyway, we pray every day that my BIL will see the light or that the spath/narc/bpd will grow tired of taking care of the “non blood” children and move on. We will be there to pick up the pieces when or if it ever happens. Right now it just doesn’t seem possible. If you can think of anything else, I would be very grateful.
Thanks for letting me vent.
LynnieGirl,
The collateral damage that they cause in families like this are horrible and they engage everyone. You are damned if you do, and damned if you don’t engage with her.
Of course she hates you because of what you see and know.
FIRST OFF: IT IS A MYTH: “there are two (valid) sides to every story” It also doesn’t matter if YOU are the ONLY one who knows the truth, it is still the TRUTH,. when Columbus thought the world was round and everyone else thought it was flat, IT DID NOT CHANGE THE SHAPE OF THE WORLD.
So that being the case…I suggest that you CALL your BIL and let him know that you’d LOVE to be at his BD party but you just got a migraine…or whatever you want to use as an excuse. I know it seems wrong to do that, but the thing is that if you go you are going to be miserable, if you stay home you will be miserable because you couldn’t go, but at least you will be showing her that she can’t control you.
The other option is to go and just be “gray rock” which is BORING.
KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT EXCEPT TO PEOPLE WHO AGREE WITH YOU, and DO NOT WORRY ABOUT WHAT OTHERS THINK. If they are “talking about you, they are leaving some other poor soul alone.”
SHE WILL show her colors sooner or later to the entire family, so just BIDE YOUR TIME and quit stressing about something you cannot control. What she says on FB is in theBIG SCHEME OF THINGS not important. God bless.
LynnieGirl,
it is my belief that spaths have gained power since the world got smaller. In medieval times, if you were a spath and you had half a brain, you could still be controlled by the community because it was very difficult to burn your bridges, leave and start a new life. Communities didn’t trust strangers (probably for this very reason). A smart spath would stick to the rules just as a matter of survival.
Now, everyone packs up and moves every few years. Nobody knows their neighbor very well, so we have to trust. This gives the spaths the opportunity to leach and disrupt, then slither off to start the cycle all over again, elsewhere.
The problem is that without the power of a community to shun the spaths, they get away with murder.
I think that the quickest way to end this drama is to not participate. If the entire family can agree to shun your BIL and his wife, the drama will come to a head much quicker and be resolved that much quicker.
I’ve come to realize that spaths don’t want just one victim, they want an entire family or an entire organization or an entire community. The one original victim was simply the entry point. She doesn’t want your BIL, she wants the drama that the whole family can provide.
I think that if your family goes NC with him, one member should tell him that you are all there for him when she is gone and not until. In this case, I would forget gray rock and do a surgical excision WITH chemotherapy. Get rid of the toxin ASAP before it causes further damage.