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By | July 4, 2011 510 Comments

Doing battle with sociopaths

Today, July 4th, is Independence Day in the United States of America. On this day 235 years ago, the country’s forefathers declared independence from the tyranny of a distant king. Today, let us all declare independence from the tyranny of sociopaths.

Declaring independence, of course, is only the beginning of the struggle. In 1776, the tyrant did not want to lose a prized possession—the Colonies—and retaliated by sending an army. The Colonists who believed in independence had no choice but to fight, even though most had little experience—they were farmers, tradesmen and laborers. But they learned how to fight. It took five years, many battles and many hardships, but in the end, the United States of America emerged victorious.

What can we learn from those Colonists that we can use in our own battles? The early Americans believed in themselves, believed in their cause, and did not give up. Oh, they suffered defeats, but they retreated, regrouped, and fought again. They learned from their mistakes, found allies and kept going.

If you’re doing battle with a sociopath—and make no mistake, any interaction is a battle—here are some strategies that will help you:

1. Know your enemy. Be brutally honest in evaluating the sociopath in your life. Remember: The sociopath never loved you. All you ever were to him or her was a source of supply. Once you get over the shock of their soullessness, you’ll begin to see the patterns of their actions. This will enable you to predict what they will do, and plan accordingly.

2. Never underestimate the sociopath. Do not anticipate that the sociopath will act as you, a person capable of love and empathy, would act. The sociopath has no concern for your emotions, your feelings and your welfare. Without empathy or a conscience, the sociopath is capable of doing anything, even the unthinkable, to get what he or she wants, which is to win.

3. Conserve your own resources. You can’t fight if you are sick or injured, so do your best to take care of yourself. Eat right; avoid drugs and alcohol; get enough rest. If you are suffering from anxiety or depression, a good way to relieve them is through exercise. Be gentle with yourself as you recover from trauma.

4. Plan strategically. Figure out what you really want and need, and figure out a way to get them. Never let the sociopath know your plans. If you are living with the person and need to escape, prepare a getaway bag and leave when he or she is not around. If you are going to court, keep careful records and document everything that happens. Keep in mind that you may need to use subterfuge and diversion to execute your plans.

5. Pick your battles. Determine what is really important to you, and what you can let go of. Your life and health are important; you may need to give up on recovering your money, saving your reputation or seeing justice done—at least for the time being. Only take on the battles that are vitally important at the moment.

6. Use overwhelming force. If you do have an opportunity to serve justice, go after the sociopath with everything you’ve got. Do not play nice; do not hold back. The harder you hit, the more likely your chances of success.

7. Seek peace. Remember, the only life you absolutely, positively can influence is your own. Your ultimate objective should be your peace of mind and peace of heart. Achieving it may mean letting go of material goods, people and past traumas. You may need to redefine yourself and how you relate to the world. If you can get to a place of tranquility, you are victorious.


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Ox Drover

Great article, Donna! I would also add

#8 Don’t always trust those who may say they are your friends, REMEMBER BENEDICT ARNOLD.

There are, unfortunately, those among our circle who may even appear to be helping us to gain freedom from the tyrant, but who are in fact, taking information to our enemy about our plans.

I think about my egg donor, and ErinBrock’s parents who helped her X kidnap her children while she was sick with cancer and chemotherapy for three months. The double hurt and injury of the BETRAYAL of these trusted “allies” is extremely painful to us, but we must recognize that it is a possibility and play our cards “close to our chests.”

Happy Independence day to you Donna, and to all the people here at LF who are strong, brave, and determined WARRIORS for INDEPENDENCE FROM THE PSYCHOPATHS!!!

ElizabethBennett

Great aweseom article and I like Oxy’s #8-I learned that lesson the hard way this year about trusting people who I thought were my friends. I am also about to enter the big battle with all the spaths at my former job-HOPEFULLY! This has nothing to do with the man who turned my life upside down three years ago.

I am in the attorney search for someone who will work on contingency to sue the pants of my former employer for defamation, libel, and slander. I already won the first battle with them by winning my unemployment appeal and the judge also said in his opinion/decision that the employer did not have a preponderance of evidence that ANY violation or the “alleged” incident even occurred-AND that most of their evidence was hearsay. There is no evidence that there was any misconduct related to the unemployment.

THe problem is that I can’t get a job due to the fact that they are still able to give bad references saying that I was fired for misconduct-despite the judge’s decision that I wasn’t. I am praying that I can find an attorney soon-one that will show some teeth-like a pit bull and get in these people’s faces and make them pay. I have never been a person that supported taking revenge against anyone but this is the time that it is required for me to have a life. I want them to pay and I want to get as much as I could possibly get from them-since this period of unemployment has destroyed my credit report, which may also keep me from getting jobs!!

newlife08

Donna,

#2 – Never Underestimate the Sociopath

I did and now I have real trouible. On divorce complaint #2 since Spath/N let the last one lapse. He seemed to have been on a campaign to gain favor with our 12 year old son for the last few months . My mom passed in February and my nutjob sisters, although estranged and not speaking to mom for years, are fighting her will and wishes. So a lot of my free time has been occupied with legal matters.

Not to mention the marathon divorce proceedings.

My son has changed in recent months – 12 1/2 – and his lying has become habitual – almost like overnight. Since he sees alot of negative behaviors from his dad, I wasted no time getting him back for a few counseling sessions. Naturally, he didn’t like being held accountable to explain all the lies.

Fast forward to son wanting a new bike. He has one, but he wanted a mountain bike. So we negotiated an advance on his allowance for heavy chores like grass cutting, leaf cleanup and snow. He was also going to earn some money from his dad. Two weeks ago son got caught lying, walking out the door to go with his dad before his chores were done and a general attitude of contempt and defiance.

So I did not commit to a date to get the bike. Last Friday, son got S-dad to buy the bike. Son wanted to bring it to our house on Sunday and I told him no. He was grounded and would have to wait another week.

My son pitched a fit all day and at 4:00 pm last Saturday he walked over to his dad’s and won’t come home. He barely talks on the phone – won’t even come for a visit.

We go to a new counselor tomorrow since Spath knows the current one has his number.

Attorneys are working on a motion. Dad has filed a motion for full physical custody – this would ruin our son.

Would a judge take my son away after having him for the last 3 years? Spath has recordings of our dealings – him pushing my buttons and Spath looking grand – me screaming at him and not at my best. It sounds horrible.

Outside of that – I am a good mom of two and have gone to great lengths to nurture my son as a boy – skateparks, golf, swimming, amusement parks, baseball, wrestling, etc.
Spath does none of this .

Every night my son falls asleep on my shoulder watching TV together.

How can he not miss me?
Why won’t he see me in 9 days ?
Will the courts be likely to give son to Spath full-time?

My heart is broken – he is my child – my heart and Spath has lured him with guns, a new dog, camera, Ipod, new bike, dirt bikes etc. And no rules – just wandering around in a truck all day.

PLEASE PLEASE HELP – MY NERVES ARE SHOT

skylar

Donna,
what an awesome article and I love Oxy’s #8. TRUST NO ONE. By the time you realized what is going on, he most likely has infiltrated or turned half the people in your life against you. It’s uncanny how they do this.

It’s unfortunate, but when dealing with a spath, you have to think and act just like them. Lie, suspect everyone, act the opposite of how you feel, hide money, plot and strategize.

The only other thing I would add is: do not give them any of your real emotions. Give them no emotion or give them fake emotions.

skylar

New Life,
I’m so sorry to hear that.
Your son is at the most vulnerable age of twelve.
This is when he is going to try to exert his independence from authority: you.

Continue to be firm and loving. Kids really need that and want it, it makes them feel safe. Be consistent too.

Don’t show weakness or sadness or anything that makes you seem emotionally out of control.

Everything you say and do is still going into his head and he is absorbing it, whether he likes to admit it or not. You can continue to be his role model, that’s the best you can do for him.

Ox Drover

Dear New Life,

That is WHAT THEY (the psychopaths) DO—they use the most valuable assets we have against us—our children. Or any thing else you love.

Can a judge do that? Yep, he sure can. Especially since your son is a boy and “boys should be with their dads” and all that carp.

Keep in mind though, once your X has your sun full time, the boy may become a burden to him….so your son may eventually want to come back to live with you.

Also keep in mind that at 12 1/2 a kid is starting the normal process of breaking away from parents and becoming an adult, and rebelling against authority.

I suggest that you keep the boy in therapy if at all possible. If he does go to live with your X, try to at least ON THE SURFACE remain calm and cool (hard I know) and make sure that you enforce your visiting periods, and as for the kid not keeping his word, and the lies, you still have to hold the line on those things whether he likes it or not.

Also I suggest that you go to Dr. Leedom’s blog “Parenting the at-risk child” and do the best you can but don’t take 100% responsibility for the outcome. The truth is there is some genetics there that we have no control over and in this case there is also environment you have no control over, the P is out to alienate your son from you. I’ve lost one son to him BEING a psychopath and the other one is just a jack ass, but the truth of the matter is, both my biological sons are out of my life. It hurts, but the pain does decrease and become bearable, and right now you feel like it can’t ever be bearable but it can be. God bless and comfort you! You are NOT alone.

newlife08

OXY

We have a parenting plan agreement written from mediation 3 weeks ago. We were just waiting for it to be sent to the lawyers for review and signature. Won’t the judge enforce that now and see the manipulation of the S ?

The judge is a female and thought to be very fair. She would let S just appear now after 3 yrs and seek a custody order ?

Won’t she question his motives? This is all because I wouldn’t cave financially . This is my punishment.

And my son was ripe for the picking – set up nicely – bought and encouraged. There are things missing from the house that tells me they planned this .

Son just called to say he got a fishing pole at a garage sale !!!
Spath is gonna take him fishing – OMG – Dear Lord – what BS!!!

I bought the fishing poles. crab traps, nets and stuff for my kids 6 years ago. Spath never did any of it or participated other than eating the f’n crabs !!! NOW HE’S GONNA FISH ???

In the last few months he has bought a dog, camera, Ipod, bike , BB guns, hand guns, and that’s what I know about – to entice my son.

But he won’t pay the bills – not one !!! He leaves that for me.

PAinting a picture he is – bastard !!!!

OXY – you don’t think I have any chance of keeping my son?

KatyDid

Newlife
Just lost my huge post to you. May be a good thing, too much rambling.

1) Don’t fight a battle with what you THINK, even if it’s true. People can’t help you win b/c of THOUGHTS. Fight what you can with proof…document, document, document. Dates, missing items, when you noticed them gone. Record or write down Conversations, dates times/ who else is there.

If your spath is NOT supposed to have custody of your son, he should return him.

2) Get councelling help, maybe consult with Dr Leedom? You need a game plan where you stop your spath from making you into your son’s adversary. You need to make sure your reputation is as your son’s ADVOCATE.

Your son wants to be loved by his dad. That’s the carrot your spath is dangling. Desire is a powerful weapon. Your son will NOT see the truth about his dad, may not for years.

But you MUST focus on making sure your son sees the truth about YOU. That involves councelling, his and YOURS, together and separately. And it means limiting your spath and hopefully those court orders will do that. I hope you have a hell of a good attorney and that you are on the phone will that attorney asap.

Makes sure to know your sons friends, do all you can to facilitate and encourage friendships with boys you know, approve of, are in your value system. Peers are the only group more powerful than your sons desire for his dad’s love. Keep your son involved in sports and with friends who participate in sports.

Beware and KNOW what’s true. In MY CITY, skateboarders are the kids looking for trouble… they smoke/antisocial/nasty attitudes/isolated/druggies.

Your spath does pay bills. He does not charge the toys to you. He buys your son food. And yes, a judge will question the motives of a dad who has abandoned your son in the past. Use the past abandonment as part of your plea for reasonable custody, you must have custody and your spath only gets visitation b/c of his history of abandonment.

That’s my offer. From a failed mom. Who is living her heartbreak of failing to understand the poison of an spath. I didn’t find this site until two years ago. I needed it 15 years ago… You are so far ahead of most of us…

Keep calm. Get help and strategic advice. Limit your spath’s access to your son. Promote your sons friends. Keep your son in sports and doing well in school. Be his advocate. Do NOT let anyone portray you as your son’s adversary. Keep watch over your other child. They are surely watching too.

ps Make sure your son does NOT find out about this site. He will tell the spath for sure.

Ox Drover

Dear Newlife,

I SURE AS HECK HOPE AND PRAY THAT YOU DO RETAIN CUSTODY, but “custody” isn’t the only issue here, it is the parental alienation he does—buying the kid with toys and time when in the past he never did.

I hope so much and I PRAY that the judge will SEE what he is doing and I hope to God that she is smarter than your X, so I don’t think there is NO chance you can keep physical custody, it is the EMOTIONAL damage and the “buying” your son that your X is doing that may do the worst damage.

You are in my prayers my dear! Katy has some good advice too. Most of all KEEP YOUR COOL ABOUT THIS AND DON’T PANIC…PLAN FOR THE WORST, AND HOPE AND PRAY FOR THE BEST. ((((HUGS)))) and PRAYERS.

KatyDid

Oxy
Agree custody is not the issue but custody is a tool in limiting spath access. If she has custody and the spath won’t abide by it, she can use that in court. Hopefully the judge will not appreciate their orders being ignored and undermined. For those judges who don’t care about the kid, sometimes the judges DO care about how spaths treat the judges orders….

Back_from_the_edge

Thanks Donna:

Happy Fourth to you and thanks for sharing those very important things.

Yes to them all!

It isn’t important to me right this moment, everything illegal that has been done to me nor seeing it justified, at this point in time. WHAT IS important is my health which is very frail and hanging oh so conspicuously at the moment.

I will deal with all the other issues at a later time. And it so happens that I was able to arrange for it to not consume the rest of what little life I have left. I have a fatal heart condition and could suddenly go, at any time. I try to live moment to moment and keep my life organized.

I refuse to let all this take my life from me. In any way, shape or form. I have more important things to do with my life than to “back door” a spath the rest of what life I have left.

In my case, I was able to make arrangements to by pass all of the legal process until the moment of my death. At that time things will be dealt with. It’s not that I am ‘giving up’; I am just ‘giving up’ wasting my time and life on someone like this.

SHOCK is the perfect word to describe what it is that has happened to all of us. Overwhelming shock because it was so sudden and so overwhelming. Trauma of mother traumas!
But, once you put things into perspective and HONESTLY look at the big picture, there really isn’t any denying it; is there?

As soon as we make that realization, and we flounder in it for a while, then we need to move onto the next step: living our lives. OUR LIVES and not theirs! As long as we keep allowing our attentions to go to that ugly place, we will stay stuck in that ugly place. You know the spot: the rants; the childishness; the waking up in the morning and being completely spacey; not eating…all of the symptoms our association with them has given us….if we don’t consciously change the direction of our thoughts and the focus of our attentions, we will be stuck in that ugly spot.

I am and have chosen to NOT be stuck in that ugly spot.
I have given ENOUGH of my life to this foolishness and this madness. If I wouldn’t tolerate it before in my life, I am not going to tolerate it now. That’s all there is to it. Life is too short to waste it on someone who just doesn’t care. So, why should I?

I mean, it was “IT” that tried to kill me.

Thank you Donna for writing what you did.

*BLESSINGS*

DUPED

ErinBrock

Great article Donna and Happy INDEPENDANCE DAY TO ALL MY LF FRIENDS! Take it and run with it!!!!

As ‘Seal’ sings…..

Miracles will happen as we dream”..

But we’re never gonna survive unless we get a little crazy.
Though we’re never gonna survive unless we are a little crazy—.
No, no, never survive, unless we get a little—..

Im off to the lake to be empowered by the fireworks…….

Louise

EB:

I love that Seal song. Thanks for that…

Iamstrong

Dear newlife,
My heart goes out to you. My spath completely alienated my son from me , who is almost 12. He has alienated my 13 year old daughter as well, although not to the same degree.
My spath is similiar to yours in that he was an absent dad who lived with us. As soon as I left, he began his campaign on my son. I had a court order stating that I had custody but spath continually violated and abused his parenting schedule.
Three days before school was to start my spath filed an emergent motion to have my younger 2 childrens schools changed and for him to have custody. He accused ME of being abusive, when I enforced rules in my house, and had the kids testify to this to the judge. The accusatioms were ludicrous and obviously coached, yet the judge granted the petition. Spath removed all of the childrens belongings from my house, changed their school, sports teams, church, absolutely anything and everything that tied them to me imcluding all their friends.
I have spent thousands just trying to enforce my parenting time, which is very little with no overnights, and get my children therapy. I have 2 court orders stating the children are to be in individual and reunification therapy with me. Yet somehow spath has managed to dodge this and the kids haven’t seen a therapist in over a year. I went nine months without my children speaking to me unless it was to be nasty. This past April 27th I finally started seeing them again. Things are still rocky but getting better.
I am in the middle of a nasty custody battle. We are having a court ordered forensic custody evaluation done, which spath has dragged out over a year

Iamstrong

I know how you are feeling. Surely my son misses me? He does. But he can’t let on in front of his dad. Send him texts or voicemails every day, cards in the mail, anything to let him know you still love him, because your spath is surely telling him otherwise. When your son is with you, be the parent you always have been, but document everything. Keep proof of how yoir son misbehaved and how yoi corrected him. I took away sweets for a day and that came back as I never fed him. I required the kids to bring down their dirty laundry to the laundry room. That became I never washed their clothes. I sent my son to his room until he could speak to me with respect. That became I locked my son in his room for 3 weeks with no food. (the door locked from the inside).
There are many many days I have cried so hard I literally couldn’t breath and wondered how this could have happened to my sweet little boy.
Hang in there honey! Document everything, let your son know you love him, keep being a parent. Kids need and want boundaries. Take each day one at a time. If your spath does get custody, make an action plan for yourself now. I pray your judge sees the alienation and that doesn’t happen. God bless you and good luck!

Iamstrong

Dear Duped,
Kudos to you!!!!
What an inspiration you are. Thanks for your advice about the “ugly spot”. You have given me a new focus!

Many blessings to you!

OakieEd

Good advice Donna! I learned most that myself:
#4 was kinda hard to do when ordered by the court to attend co-parenting counseling until the counselor felt it was no longer necessary. I had to be cooperative, but keep quiet at the same time
#6 I knew was right, but my previous attorney said stuff like “Now come on, how will you explain to your kid that you put mommy behind bars for 10 years?” Dang was that bad advice!!!

Backatcha

I received a phone call from a woman last week whom my boyfriend was court ordered to pay her back $3600 that he borrowed from her while they were roomates. My bf told me about the court order and I knew this when we started to live together about 20 months ago. I accepted his debt to her and he paid her off monthly for the first year of us living together. The stipulations of their court order was no contact with each other while this debt was being paid back. Within a month of moving in together I discovered an email to him from a woman a few Counties North of us asking for money. Turns out he borrowed money from her for over $4000 and when I asked him about it he shrugged it off to me as “just another bill”.

I explained to him that since our rental situation was such a great deal, it would allow both of us to save a great deal of money so that we could plan a future together. I accepted the fact that he has a small child support obligation to make every month. He brings his child to our home every other weekend and spends what I believe is too much money on frivolous toys, video games and fast food like he is trying to make himself look like Disney Dad and pretty much giving him whatever he asks for.

I was very straightforward with him stating that I think it is wrong for a woman to give a man ANY money and I told him if that is what he wants from me, that he had the wrong female. He is constantly running out of money between paychecks, wanting me to front him gas money, cigarettes, even a child support payment recently, which he reimbursed me immediately upon getting paid. This is happening every 2 weeks.

My bf knows of my “hybernation” for 2 years before meeting him, when I had just escaped a 15 month marriage to a Sociopath. He was very sympathetic with my stories and swore to me that he was not the same as my past “weak” men as he put it. He would not cheat, would treat me well and share his life with me and things would be great.

While I have accepted the fact that men cheat and there are no guarantees in any relationship….it seems that I keep finding the snakes and dishonest ones who do. Each and every one of my 3 ex husbands and more boyfriends than I care to count, swore up and down they would never cheat, all saying they are different from other men. After several marriage counseling sessions over the years with 2 ex’s, the explanation from 2 counselors was…. men want sex; women want security.

My current live in boyfriend cheated on me within 2 months of our moving in and several times thereafter….alll the while swearing he would never do that to me. He is turning into the “user” that his ex roomate warned me about. I so want to believe what he tells me, but the bottom line is that I no longer trust men to do as they say.

It seems the nicer I am, he sees that as a weakness, and “tries” me. Whenever I have that “false” sense of security going on and am happy, he cheats. He is not the 1st man that I have been in a realtionship with that operates in this manner. He is the nicest guy I’ve know in awhile, does not treat me poorly, but has not really nutured our relationship in any way. His lack of providing me with any security in our relationship is getting old. I am not looking to get married any time soon, so that pressure is not put upon him. He has never married and just turned 40.

My question remains unanswered since my divorce from a Sociopath….are all men who cheat and lie continuously and frequently considered Sociopaths?

Ox Drover

Backatya,

All men who lie continuously and frequenly are considered pathological liars, that is ONE symptom of psychopathy, but even if that is the ONLY symptom they have, it is enough to make them NOT RELATIONSHIP MATERIAL. They are TOXIC. Not someone you want to deal with.

Kick him out to the curb….and stay here and learn more about psychopaths, it is obvious your “picker is broke” so fix it so that you can pick a better specimine in the future.

Not all men cheat, just some, so learn how to spot the red flags!

sbelisle

Did any one see DR. PHIL this weekend? He had a show about the most selfish people in the world and it really hit home. The mother was clearly a (P) yet Dr. Phil could not explain this woman true self to her daughter who were disperatly seeking understanding to there mothers actions. I wrote on the blog page to further educate themselves on how to heal from this damaging situation. But you sould check out he show at….

http://community.drphil.com/boards/?EntryID=22183&View=New

(Original Air Date: 03/03/11) Tiffany and Mindy describe their mother, Phyllis, as “the most selfish person on the face of the earth.” They say their entire childhoods were affected by her self-absorbed behavior, ultimately fracturing their relationship. Tiffany says she worries she won’t even be able to speak kindly about her mother at her funeral. Phyllis insists she was a great mother, and her daughters have it all wrong. Dr. Phil examines a few of the incidents her daughters report as manipulative and self-centered. Will Phyllis own up to her parenting mistakes and apologize? Then, Chanell says her friend, Shauna, suffers from “Pretty Girl Selfish Syndrome” and needs an intervention. Shauna says she’s open to a minor tweak in her behavior but a major overhaul is out of the question. And, see the remarkable progress of two women whom Dr. Phil says should be selfish and put themselves first:

Back_from_the_edge

Dear Iamstrong,

Thank you so much for YOUR inspiration as well! 🙂
Yah, that old ‘ugly spot’ just doesn’t want to go away even though we KNOW we need to keep it away….

As far as pathological lying: hahahahahaha
Is THAT what that was? More like a demon from hell is what it is!

“Your picker is broke”: hahahaha, that’s one way to put it, Ox! 😉
As far as ‘picking a better specimen in the future’…well, after a fashion a person becomes a little ‘gun shy’…I am surprised to hear women talking about filling up that ‘ugly spot’ with another ordeal so soon! Without allowing themselves the opportunity to find their own selves first. I am not a ‘serial dater’, always thinking that if I just keep looking, I will find what I am looking for, although I don’t know what I am looking for but I will know it when I find it. Hmmm….that’s what I thought with x sp….
VULNERABLE is the word. Think about that.

I am not trying to discourage anyone from finding happiness in their lives. I am soooooooooooo happy for those couples who find peace and love and joy and happiness but I also believe there are some people who are meant to walk alone in this life. It has taken me 60 years to learn that I just may be one of those people and it isn’t a ‘sad state of affairs’, actually, it’s very liberating, especially after I just spent a whole lifetime of taking care of and supporting others.

I don’t care WHAT their symptoms or medical terminology actually “IS” – all “I” know is that “IT” is NOT going to take my breath from me. Period. I am not a person to create nor make waves for “IT” but I DO mean every single word I said to “IT” and “IT” knows it. That’s all there is to it.

Unlike “IT”, I don’t speak shallow words nor make idle promises.
I just don’t need to deal with this anymore. It was a nightmare I just wish to put away in the ANALS of history and only regard it with the education, awareness and insight that it has afforded me. I don’t wish to smash and destroy him but I DO intend to make sure that he will ALWAYS remember me and the injustice he has wreaked. That is not an empty threat, that is an absolute PROMISE. And “IT” knows it.

I KNOW I can trust myself! I KNOW I can rely upon MYSELF.
I have for many years and there has been many men who thought they could ‘push’ their way into my life by either the ‘bums rush’ or ‘purchasing’ me with their wealth. I am not about any of that. What a person has or does not have, materialistically, means absolutely nothing to me. It is the PERSON that matters to me most.

I have tried dating during this little escapade and it isn’t fair to your ‘date’ nor yourself, in the long run, until you settle this battle raging within yourself. I know from experience.

Although my experience has been a tremendous nightmare, I have been forcing myself to glean whatever I can and try making something good out of it. I don’t want to be stuck in the ‘victim’ slot for very long because I have always said:

“I stop being the victim the minute I realize I AM BEING MADE A VICTIM.” 🙂

I have never been one to lower my moral standards nor virtues for anyone else and yet, here I did it for “IT” and all “IT” did was consume it and spit it back out, laughing….

WELL, WHO IS LAUGHING NOW? Hmm?
I MEAN WHAT I SAY TO “IT” and I DO NOT BACK UP NOR DOWN.
I will NOT change my morals nor value system for something that is so grotesquely ABNORMAL just to have “IT” there because I have loved it. I have chose to care ‘from afar’ and THAT didn’t last for long, let me tell ya.

I just want it completely gone from my collection of memories.
If I could go through one of those ‘mind zapping machines’ out of a sci-fi movie, just to eradicate any thoughts or memories of “IT”, I would definitely pay the cash to do it. Definitely.

Which reminds me, I am going to be attending a hypnotherapy session sometime during this month. I don’t know ‘how’ it works but I have to admit that THAT along with EMDR therapy has helped me tremendously but the one thing that has helped the absolute most is LEARNING THE TRUTH about “WHAT” “IT” was!
As educated as I am, I can’t believe I allowed myself to be DUPED the way I was but it started out by trying to save his life, , which I will always believe I have done. Even HE knows I have….that is undeniable.

Anyways, cheaters, beaters, liars, it’s all the same…
they make us hurt and feel miserable and we don’t have to tolerate that. We know “WHO” we are and now we know who “THEY” are…I try to educate people as much as I possibly can about all this. It’s one thing that makes me ‘feel better’ and helps me by sharing my journey with others who are walking the same paths. Never stop learning and educating yourself…

Love and blessings to all….
Oh, by the way, Ox, I will NEVER believe that “not all men cheat..” It is inherent in the reproductive gene cycle…mating and multiplying…I think when they were created, they got an extra gene called: “OVERDRIVE SEXUAL LIBIDO”…

Have a great day everyone…

DUPED

Louise

DUPED:

I agree with all men cheat. Here is what I think and what I have observed…either they DO cheat or the FEW I saw who didn’t cheat…they were thinking about it or thought about it! They just haven’t acted upon it for whatever reason. If that makes them better, so be it, but they inherently all have it in them without a doubt.

Backatcha

Ox Drover,
Thank you for your response and well received advise. I know of the list of 20 characteristics of Socio’s as outlined by my past marriage counselor. It just seems like every man I have been involved with have met the first 5 characteristics and that is very scary for me to acknowledge. Not to mention the suedo profile my friend and I posted on a dating site, and got 250 responses from married men within a two County area in two days. Not good. I find it very disheartening that any man would ask any woman for money for any reason. It’s a turn off for me and I find it offensive. Men as friends doesnt work for me either, because sex is eventually ALWAYS as issue.

After my ordeal with a total Sociopath rendered me broken and disabled for a bit, the experience made me so much stronger and I have become quite vocal about my disatisfaction with any action that seems out of place or “not right” with anyone. I have what I consider to be very strong moral values and while I do not expect everyone to have the same values, I now make myself very clear on what is acceptable and set boundaries accordingly, whether a business dealing or my personal relationships with men.

Ox Drover

Backatya,

I applaud your moral compass, and if we adhere to that, and if we don’t let people who don’t have an equal moral compass distract us by their other attributes we can do quite well picking partners.

My “deal breakers” are HONESTY, if he isn’t honest, and all that entails, it is a no go. If he isnt KIND and all that entails, no go, if he isn’t COMPASSIONATE it is a no go, and if he is not RESPONSIBLE ditto….each of those words entail a great deal of behaviors, lying would fall under dishonesty, not handling their money well and mooching off of others, and.or not keeping a job would fall under responsibility, but also doing what he says he will do when he will do it–or have a darned good explaination.

No matter what other “good qualities” that person has if they don’t have those 4, then I am not interested in them. This same “ruler” goes for friends, and family as well. My INNER CIRCLE OF TRUST IS VERY IMPORTANT TO ME, it is where I get my support emotionally and sometimes physically. But people must earn my trust to enter that special place—and dishonest people need not apply.

Twice Betrayed

Whelp….kiddies are included in this. The way I see it; N P kiddies just use us to do their ‘raising’ because they are so great and awesome, we owed it to them. Hard to face your kids don’t love you. But, I’m doing it. Weird, though.

Twice Betrayed

Regarding #7-My adult kids are all the family I have living. They make me very sick with their behavior. I get ill and have to rest for weeks after visiting one day with any of them. It’s a constant head game with all the attention on them. And anytime the two girls are in the same room/area-it’s disaster. The older one will create all types of extreme drama and fights, by working elaborate scenes. Do I tell my own family and kids they make me ill? And-do I avoid my family for the rest of my life? I cannot reconcile this in my mind….

KatyDid

TwiceBT
I am learning to accept that my child does not love me. What is ironic is that I had a terrible N mother, but as bad as she was, I did love her. I had stopped allowing my mom to be mean to me but if she had ever said she loved me and wanted to work on having a relationship, I’d have been in heaven… So I can not understand my daughter who rejects a mom who would do anything for her.

I am stopping my daughter from being able to be mean to me too. I feel numb about it. Loving her was the only reason I had to live these last years. I am so Afraid to let myself feel what her rejection does to me b/c I think it would destroy me.

So TwiceBetrayed, how ARE you DOING IT? I need examples to follow. I am pretty much NC but that’s easy b/c she never reaches out to me.

KatyDid

Oxy,
I have been ridiculed for my moral compass. But it is my link to sanity, it’s what makes sense. So I do cling to it, esp in those days of crazymaking illogical nonsense. I have discovered that a lot of people claim to have a moral compass, but they don’t live by it, and they get angry when I don’t agree with all their exceptions to the rule. My conclusion is they do’t have a moral compass at all, they KNOW right from wrong, they just chose to ignore it b/c consequences to living with morals can be hard… but for me, not as hard or as painful as living without moral direction in my life. In fact, I think living with my moral compass SAVES me from pain, even as I acknowledge it limits the number of people in my life….which is sometimes a lonely reality.

Twice Betrayed

KatyDid: That last sentence of your comment answers how I do it.-NC. I have three kids. Son/two daughters. Son never reaches out unless it’s something that benefits him in some way. Younger daughter same way. Older daughter does stay in contact when she needs the connection and someone to shop with/boss around. She’s w/o a man to rip apart at the moment, so there is more contact. I try to keep it l i g h t….fluffy, airy and of course it’s all about her. I limit my contact to emails and texts, if possible to keep from being sick.

I am with you, KatyDid. It has almost destroyed me. It’s why I am so ill now. I honestly feel if these adult kids don’t stay away from me, I will not survive. I hate being sick from them and I hate staying away from them, because it just does not seem right to never see your kids…..

I wish I had an answer for you, KatyDid…I have found NO way to survive but NC and remind myself they are not sweet little kids that love me, they are toxic adults. Even then, we worry about them and have our memories….

ElizabethBennett

Katy-Sometimes I feel like all I have left is my moral compass and nobody better mess with it again.

KatyDid

TB:
Yes, NC stops me from having to hear really cruel mean things from her …but it doesn’t stop the longing to connect with the one whom I poured my love, devotion, and care. She was my life purpose. But in order to remain my life purpose, she had to have a certain character and she doesn’t. So now, I have no life purpose. ANd I have not found a substitute. Sure there are lots of blood suckers whom you can give until you are dead, but life purpose should fulfill/energize/enrich, not suck off you until you are destroyed.

Distressed Grandmother

This is a great article Donna You are so right as the more I deal with these people the more I see one is only wasting there time. They are very resourceful people with no limits because of there lack of empathy. I have learned also that one has to pick and choice there battles and if you do be prepared for a lot of consequences. They will go to unbelievable limits to win there battle. I also agree with the health part you do have to stay strong and healthy to get through this without them breaking you down. They do not just stop at you they will chew at everyone in your family they do not care who they hurt or destroy. They can not see past themselves. They have to have no empathy to be able to hurt people like that and still be able to sleep at night. Unless they are pumped up on drugs or alcohol. I also agree with Oxy you do get to the point where you trust no one because they can get what ever info they want it seems. They are good at playing everyone. I pray for all you people who have to deal with this day after day as I do. Mental abuse in some ways is harder than physical abuse. Once the beating is over. It is over until next time but the mental abuse just seems like it is never going to end. It eats you up it tares you apart it weakens you beyond one imagination unless you have experienced it your self you would never understand.

Twice Betrayed

KatyDid, I so relate to what you are saying. I feel off balance and question who I am too. The only comfort I can say is what I believe. And it’s this, we all have a choice to serve God or Satan and Scripture says this can cut thru bone/marrow. Well, it has. I am on one side and it seems they are on the other, which makes them my enemy. Sure seems that way.

KatyDid

Yes, TB
That is where I am too. I seek to choose using a moral compass that points to GOD. I am still sad without having my daughter but at least I can sleep knowing who I serve.

bellaangel

Casey Anthony…..another Psycopath goes free. Dear Caylee received no justice.

Right now it appears as the evil is being touted as good, while the good is being called evil. We can battle them,but so many times they win through their lies, deception and crocodile tears on que….

My life was destroyed and everything I ever lived for taken from me- murdered in every sense of the word, while the psyco is believed to be So wonderful,So godly and So charming!! Where is justice?

I go to court Friday. I spoke with his previous wife today who is trying to have him sent to jail on non-payment of support. One hour of confirmation of porn, pedophilia, lies, psycopathic behavior while I spoke to her……. all I could do was validate her experience.

Then, I needed to contact him to tell him that if he showed up on Friday the Judge would be more apt to render a judgement of Divorce for our case. I *67 so he would not get my phone number…….Just hearing his voice makes me feel detached from my body!! The spinning of reality, the “gas-lighting”. When I was away from it for 7 month with no NC….now he plays the “I can’t believe this is what God wants for us” card!!! That “everday for 7 month he has prayed night and day for God to restore our marriage” card, while he has continued to DESTROY me……but now I am the one accused of ending the marriage, not him!!! He has made no atempts at contact me in 7 months, except to lie behind my back.

Psycopaths…….. the closest thing to Hell on earth.

Twice Betrayed

KatyKid: I so relate! I am with you. HUGS!

Twice Betrayed

bellaangel:” Right now it appears as the evil is being touted as good, while the good is being called evil.”

You got that right!

Constantine

It’s pretty amazing that they can actually find TWELVE people this foolish! However, in some perverse fashion I think that this can actually be seen as a GOOD thing. That is, at least it dispels the pat and sentimental illusion that there IS justice in this life, or that the bad guys actually get what’s coming to them.

I would guess that 98% of us never got OUR justice. So this is just an accurate reflection of how this corrupt world really works!

Back_from_the_edge

Supposedly, the Court had found evidence that exonorated her, I think, in part. I am not aware nor privileged to know what that evidence was but no matter whether she was the primary perpetrator or not, her involvement DOES warrant some punishment as she was aware and did nothing to help her child.

Being the Grandmother of a 2-1/2 year old that was murdered many years ago, very brutally, I might add, I am of the firm and sound belief that anything that is done to a child should be punished to the maximum and full extent of the law. Whether it is child abuse, mentally or physically, whatever you do to a child will stay with them the rest of their lives and effect them in all they may do. Depending upon the severity of the deed, it could devastate a child for the remainder of their lives.

The PUKE who murdered my Grandson, is spending life in prison and I had been asked numerous times if I wished he would be susceptible to the death penalty and my answer was no. And I will tell you why: BECAUSE I WANT HIM TO LIVE THROUGH ETERNITY RIGHT WHERE HE IS. DEATH is too easy for him.

That poor little girl…
Such a young and sweet life snuffed all because of someone who couldn’t control themselves in whatever situation/scenario really and truly happened.

I know my Grandson died a horrible, torturous death. I was also asked at that time what I thought about “IT”, who is also a psychopath, and I replied that I just think evil exists in this world and this is one of those instances; another one of those instances.

I would have to agree with you, Constantine, that probably 98% of us have not received our ‘justice’…we are suppose to just shut up and go away, silently. Without protest or defending ourselves and that just isn’t me. 🙂

While I am not, have not, and will not, go out of my way to extract justice in my situation, (want no more drama around me over all this; I have a life too!) I have made provisions and I am not changing my mind because I believe sp’s should be made to stand up for the rotten things they do. IF you are good at ‘catching them’. There should be a set standard as with any other crime. Just because this isn’t ‘violent’ per se, some could deem the deep emotional and psychological damage that has been inflicted as indeed a criminal act and should be justified by any consciable court without looking hypocritical.

That is just my take on it. The Anthony trial is no different.
Little Children everywhere across the United States just took a BIG HIT in the area of protection, finding that sp not guilty. We owe it to the children to defend them and to set standards of acceptability and non acceptability in their treatment and care.
We, ‘as a village’, should take an interest in the children, all of our children, because they are going to become our very future.

Our children become what we set as example to them; not just their parents, but every single one of us. Children learn what they see and what they hear and what they live. If you don’t care about what the children are absorbing, what is the point of trying to raise responsible adults?

Ha: twelve people this foolish….they must all be part of that ‘desensitized’ society we are now a part of.

Ha: ‘good thing’…..you are a true optimist, Constantine. 🙂
The only justice that exists in this lifetime is the justice that we non spitefully make for ourselves, within. THAT is true justice, when we just shut off that valve and don’t care anymore.

THAT is justice.

Our children SEE this and what must they think?

*BLESSINGS*

DUPED

Ox Drover

TB and Katy,

“Losing” our children is what happens even if they grow up to be wonderful adults that become our friends—those babies and kids we loved are GONE, but we just didn’t get to replace that wonderful child(ren) with nice adults. All we got was a stranger that doesn’t like us.

I remember those cute little boys, and the fun things we did together and how much I enjoyed being with them, learning from them and teaching them. What great kids they were. What miserable adults they ARE. STRANGERs that I don’t know, or want to know. But I am learning to fill my life with the people who DO love me and learning to love myself.

Back_from_the_edge

🙂 No, please don’t stop. I thoroughly enjoy your refreshing and very sane outlook. I am pleased to see and hear I am not alone in my abstract thinking.

I watched ONE DAY of that trial and the minute I took one look at her, I could tell she had issues. What happens to the next child she mothers? Hmmm?

Of course, people said that about my Daughter, whose 2-1/2 year old was murdered by an acquaintance of hers, vying for her affections. (The child was not his). They said she was not a ‘fit’ mother to allow her child to succumb to such risk. As I told her, SHE was not the one who committed the crime and the one who is not at fault. “IT” (another one) is the ONLY one at fault.

I come from a very firm position, having lost a child to violence, I believe we have the absolute RESPONSIBILITY to protect our children and to raise them with conscious and not to subject them to the ‘current sensationalism’ that exists all around us.
It is purely a ‘desensitization’. How do we go back and undo all that which has already been done?

Perhaps Mother Nature is working on that solution for us.
Maybe even the unknown outer limits of the universe…

One thing I DO know, people are getting away from moral conscious and that could be devastating for the planet.
Perhaps the Angels will come and free the earth from all this disdain.

Please, Constantine…continue on…

“Dumbed-down”; great term. Thanks. 🙂
“functionally illiterate” as well as MORALLY ILLITERATE.

I absolutely believe and support your estimation of 1/3 of the population being some of both.

Have a nice night. Thanks for the dialogue.

DUPED

Twice Betrayed

Ox: yeah, strangers. That fits…….sigh.

Lone Wolf

Ox Drover

Hi everyone and especially Ox Drover. 🙂

I am a newbie – first post! – who has been lurking for a couple of weeks, thinking what a great site and board this seems but being a little slow to join as both been stung before after joining a couple of on and offline alleged suppport groups.. and through the sheer exhaustion of dealing with the legal battle with my awful spath!

So i know i should first start a little hi comment and share a bit about my story but then sometimes it is easier to jump in first…so that can wait.

I just wanted to say something to Ox Drover.

I have to admit I am a little in awe of the courage and grace you show, the love and patience you have for others especially after such adversity..tho possibly also because of such adversity! Bloody high price for wisdom.

But I just had to say how moved I was by your above post about remembering the good times you shared with your kids before they morphed into awful adults.

I was struck by having had similar experiences in kinda reverse..as a kid I was raised by, at the time, what I considered to be two loving parents and a much older sister who was 19 when I was born..all I remember from my childhood is how much I loved them and they loved and cared for me… the lovely times at the beach, the garden, Christmas..the love, the sharing and the laughter.

I never thought this would change as we were such a tightnight family.. turned out that was part of the problem..i never had any friends or visitors and neither did they…problem began when I hit puberty..they reacted very badly.. i was dead in the water from then on.. little did i know that from then on sis started betraying me and manipulating me behind my back..for as long as i was just a child, they could use me to avoid dealing with their problems.. once i wanted a life outside the home -as well – that was that! (see the film “Carrie”? you get a hint! )

Both my parents are dead now and long story short I am now 46 and my sister has been badly abusing me for years and since mums death has been seeking to disinherit me totally – using lies and threats etc …even tho she is wealthy and healthy and i am sick and poor. And (of course! ) I have only ever loved and cared for her.. Long story short she wants me at best out on the streets and preferably dead…

The big shock for me is the contrast between this, psycho sister, and the other, benevolent, being of my childhood..I mean Jesus it sometimes feels like she has been taken over..”Invasion of the BodySnatchers” !

I do however believe that they did love me at one stage..at least in a limited way.. but didn’t know how to keep loving me.. they loved me for being a kid, not for being a person..not being an spath i cannot imagine no longer loving someone just because they are no longer cute or dependent..

So I do think – fwiw – that these kids loved you at least to an extent..but they were not capable of sustaining that love..whereas you were even in the face of their emerging monstrosity..because they are severely lacking..and you are anything but.

They are lucky to have had you!! Their loss. Keep offering your love only where it is warranted.. and mostly for yourself. 🙂

I am in a bad way because of what is happening..a very bad way i must admit.. but i no longer love my spath or want to fix her.. which is a relief…and a breakthrough! No more emotional ties,. just the psych warfare and threats and money stuff ..look forward to the future if i can get through this and hope to be giving and receiving support from this wonderful site. 🙂

Constantine

/

Twice Betrayed

Welcome, Lone Wolf!

Back_from_the_edge

Welcome Lone Wolf: You will find the validation and care and concern as well as understanding, here, amongst these wonderful people. They have been an IMMENSE and HUGE support system to me in the past month or so.

I am sorry that life has dealt you some horrid cards and wish you all the best.

Cling to the person YOU are and all the rest will take care of itself. Don’t give YOURSELF up, deep, inside, where it counts. If the emotional battle gets too overwhelming to deal with, do seek some counseling as it has always seemed to help me to have one spot where I can go and unload and not terrorize the people around me any longer than I already have.

SP has already caused enough damage.
IT’S reign of terror is finally over in MY LIFE. 😉

Welcome….

DUPED

Constantine

Hi Lone Wolf – Yes, you almost have to talk about this business in mythological terms – “possession”, “invasion”, and so on – in order to adequately convey both the eeriness and the palpable horror of the thing. It’s especially striking when it happens to someone such as your sister “who wasn’t always like that.” – I know, because one of the two Ps in my life was someone I have known for close to thirty years, and he was most certainly not “always like that.” (The other one – a she – might have been, but I’m still not sure…..)

Anyhow, welcome – and best of luck to you.

Constantine

Duped,

Well, I could “continue on”, but I get much more out of hearing your story than I do listening to myself hurl angry curses at today’s decadent society! Besides, people who have “looked into the abyss” and come back to tell about it, usually have an aura about them that is quite appealing to me. And you’ve definitely been there; but it’s inspiring that you’ve come out on “the other side” with so many of your good qualities still intact. So YOU continue on, dear Duped – I’ll just sit back and listen….

Have a great night.

Back_from_the_edge

Constantine, you are an absolute treat for the soul! 🙂

“The Abyss” it was, My Friend.
I haven’t even found the terminology to describe it, actually.
I am somewhat of a ‘learned’ lady and have never found a word in my repertoire of memories to adequately describe what that just was….

Thank you for thinking my experience has given some kind of ‘magical wisdom’ of some kind. I am still reeling that I could have been so DUPED; completely and totally. I sort of went into the relationship with sp in the first place, because I saw a need for intervention. So much for saving graces.

To attempt the salvation of a lost and burning soul and to end up being consumed in the fire is one of the ironies of the “beautiful life”. Poetic, certainly, but not very practical from a ‘living’ point of view. Mankind is directing their own course, no matter the objections of the moral and sane. It is a societal evolution that is taking place. What is it? 20% of the people are committing 80% of the crime? Most of it horrid and ugly and primal.

Thank you for saying ‘so many of your good qualities still intact’…that’s very kind of you. I haven’t ‘tried on my high heels’ yet so I am not really sure if they have or not, perhaps maybe only in theory? 🙂 .

It’s seems I need a refrigerator magnet that says:

“NUT MAGNET; ALL WELCOME”. hahahahahahaha

Hmmm…I must work on that ‘vulnerability’.
How can I NOT ‘come out on the other side’ of that ring of fire?
The compulsion to live and to survive and to breath takes over. 🙂 I walked through that ring of fire and am emerging on the other side unscathed except for my physical heart being badly damaged and we won’t even get into my psyche.

In essence, I was held emotionally and psychologically, HOSTAGE for five years. I know it sounds impossible but it isn’t. It wasn’t. It happened to me. I have been in a state of shock since I first laid eyes on him. “IT” is the definition of evil and I am not exaggerating one bit. It chills me to the bone at times to think how close I came to having my life sucked from me by an incubus.

I am not a very religious person but I do believe in the existence of the opposite powers fighting for control.
I believe in the existence of Angels who will save us from ourselves, somehow, some way. It is by the Grace of the Angels that I am able to walk through that fire and still remember who I am and have some normalcy about myself having survived as many traumas I have. There is no other ‘earthly’ explanation.

I know this ‘saga’ of the “IT” INCUBUS following my soul around is not over. I know it’s only in a stage of flux for the moment, having been scared away by my absolute resolution. The lines have been drawn down between us now and I am not relenting anymore. We’ll see how the battle goes from here on out.

I wish peace in my life and my world and “IT” far from me.
Banished to the ends of infinity. I am doing all I can to slam that gate to HELL I opened with my innocent and genuine love and consideration, I am trying hard to slam it shut before any more escape into our realm.

I am not kidding, what I saw in those eyes was an empty shell of a person who knew he was possessed by evil, openly admitted it and still chose it over righteousness. It was like looking into the eyes of a shark. Lifeless, cold and uncaring but powerful in that they could freeze you solid where you stood.

I guess I would have to admit that it has always been a ‘battle of the wills’…it never was that way for me…but I can see it was for him, for sure. I gave in and succumbed to the illusions.

No more.

I am determined to move forward no matter what awaits me and I do so with eyes opened wide and my spathinating machine with me now. 😉 hahahahahahaha

Blood sucking vampires anyways!

Night, Constantine…
May the Angels rest on your pillow…

DUPED

MOTHEROFAMUTHA

TO NEWLIFE08:

Hope you get 2 see this. I feel 4 you & your son. 31 yrs ago I gave birth 2 a sociopath; knew it before he turned 6; have been waging war on my son’s behalf throughout his life 2 save whatever humanity and soul he had until this year, when I had 2 cut off all contact. BELIEVE ME WHEN I TELL YOU THAT YOU ARE ON THE FRONT LINES OF A NEVER-ENDING BATTLE WITH A TIRELESS ENEMY THAT IS DETACHED, RELENTLESSLY SELF-ABSORBED, AND VIEWS LIFE LIKE A GAME/HUNT/SPORT/DUEL.

As long as you are looking for life 2 be fair, the judge 2 be fair, your son’s father 2 be fair, your son 2 be fair, you will be setting yourself up 4 failure. Your son will be comparing your demeanor, speech, and attitude against what he sees of his father. You can be sure that if father’s a textbook sociopath, he will be cool, calm and collected, even under pressure. Like it or not, that is hugely attractive 2 any young person developing their independent self and identity. It speaks of power and self-control; very compelling stuff. If your emotions rule your responses and decisions, your son, 2 BE SURE, will view this as a fundamental weakness on your part, and will not respect you as an adult, never mind an authority figure.

When you don’t allow your son 2 short-cut his way into maturity, make sure you understand that he might perceive you as his enemy. That’s part of your shield and armor if you can live with and TOTALLY accept it. He needs to know that somewhere there are rules, morality, truthfulness, sacrifice, love, consistency, discipline (training, NOT physical spanking), and that somewhere is YOU. One of the main things you don’t want 2 do is engage in fruitless arguing, debates, or endless explanations. Right now he’s just beginning 2 walk the road 2 self-discovery and independence; he WILL NOT want 2 admit is that he needs these good qualities, and he definitely will not want 2 admit he wants these things in you, BUT HE DOES. HE NEEDS YOU 2 BE THE STRENGTH THAT HE DOESN’T HAVE YET. HE WILL FIGHT 2 THE DEATH DENYING IT. You have 2 make up your mind: do you want 2 be a lighthouse in the storms of his life, or part of the chaos that’s SURE 2 come from his father’s influence?

Once you’ve fully decided to be the man/father that his own father isn’t, then you have to make sure you’re willing to pay the high price for the respect and love of your son. Most of the time he will not cooperate with you, and will be testing you round-the-clock 2 see if there are chinks in your armor. You have 2 fully face the real possibility you might lose your son before you’re able 2 truly help him. He has his own desires and agenda, and if he admires his dad, it’s gonna have 2 play itself out. If you, on the other hand, are the cool, calm, collected mom, who’s not afraid 2 admit that you believe in living right, sooner or later he’ll realize you are as strong, if not stronger, than his dad, and at the very least will have 2 begrudingly respect who you are and what you stand 4, even if he doesn’t buy into it 4 now 4 himself. If he desires 2 live with you, then it’s done within your parameters, period. You don’t have 2 throw your weight around, yelling, whining, complaining or crying. It’s just the way it is. Your morals, your rules, for the benefit of everyone, period. Nice and quiet, ruling from calmness, not emotions. Kinda like a man who’s fully aware of what he has 2 offer, but doesn’t make a big deal of it, doesn’t show off, or try 2 make everyone notice. From a position of confidence and strength.

If your son has eyes that can truly see, and an intelligent mind, time is going 2 be your best friend and will expose his father for what he isn’t. But if he doesn’t, just prepare yourself mentally 4 the long haul, anticipating that it’s going 2 get pretty dark before the dawn. Continue with therapy, with consequences for actions, with working for goal/wish fulfillment, etc. Hope 4 the best while expecting the worst and there won’t be any nasty surprises that might blindside you in the future, because you’ll be prepared!

WHATEVER YOU DO, DON’T DEMONIZE OR PUT DOWN HIS FATHER IN FRONT OF YOUR SON. You will thoroughly regret it. IT WILL BLOW UP IN YOUR FACE & DO MORE DAMAGE 2 YOU THAN TO HIS FATHER. It will make you look weak, foolish, and spiteful. You will have lost a major battle that is extremely hard to recover from. Your son will consider you beneath him, and will lose even more respect 4 you. Your son needs to KNOW that YOU REALIZE this is MORE ABOUT HIM THAN IT IS ABOUT YOU OR HIS FATHER. Repeat this 2 yourself as many times as it takes 2 stick in your memory whenever he does something that makes you want to blow your top!

Make your plans of action. Be prepared. Be calm. Be strong. It’s all you can do, because you cannot control life or another human being. Rest in the knowledge that you are ready 2 do your best for his future, and try 2 enjoy whatever good times you can with your son. You better believe that those things count more than your son would like 2 admit.

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