Today, July 4th, is Independence Day in the United States of America. On this day 235 years ago, the country’s forefathers declared independence from the tyranny of a distant king. Today, let us all declare independence from the tyranny of sociopaths.
Declaring independence, of course, is only the beginning of the struggle. In 1776, the tyrant did not want to lose a prized possession—the Colonies—and retaliated by sending an army. The Colonists who believed in independence had no choice but to fight, even though most had little experience—they were farmers, tradesmen and laborers. But they learned how to fight. It took five years, many battles and many hardships, but in the end, the United States of America emerged victorious.
What can we learn from those Colonists that we can use in our own battles? The early Americans believed in themselves, believed in their cause, and did not give up. Oh, they suffered defeats, but they retreated, regrouped, and fought again. They learned from their mistakes, found allies and kept going.
If you’re doing battle with a sociopath—and make no mistake, any interaction is a battle—here are some strategies that will help you:
1. Know your enemy. Be brutally honest in evaluating the sociopath in your life. Remember: The sociopath never loved you. All you ever were to him or her was a source of supply. Once you get over the shock of their soullessness, you’ll begin to see the patterns of their actions. This will enable you to predict what they will do, and plan accordingly.
2. Never underestimate the sociopath. Do not anticipate that the sociopath will act as you, a person capable of love and empathy, would act. The sociopath has no concern for your emotions, your feelings and your welfare. Without empathy or a conscience, the sociopath is capable of doing anything, even the unthinkable, to get what he or she wants, which is to win.
3. Conserve your own resources. You can’t fight if you are sick or injured, so do your best to take care of yourself. Eat right; avoid drugs and alcohol; get enough rest. If you are suffering from anxiety or depression, a good way to relieve them is through exercise. Be gentle with yourself as you recover from trauma.
4. Plan strategically. Figure out what you really want and need, and figure out a way to get them. Never let the sociopath know your plans. If you are living with the person and need to escape, prepare a getaway bag and leave when he or she is not around. If you are going to court, keep careful records and document everything that happens. Keep in mind that you may need to use subterfuge and diversion to execute your plans.
5. Pick your battles. Determine what is really important to you, and what you can let go of. Your life and health are important; you may need to give up on recovering your money, saving your reputation or seeing justice done—at least for the time being. Only take on the battles that are vitally important at the moment.
6. Use overwhelming force. If you do have an opportunity to serve justice, go after the sociopath with everything you’ve got. Do not play nice; do not hold back. The harder you hit, the more likely your chances of success.
7. Seek peace. Remember, the only life you absolutely, positively can influence is your own. Your ultimate objective should be your peace of mind and peace of heart. Achieving it may mean letting go of material goods, people and past traumas. You may need to redefine yourself and how you relate to the world. If you can get to a place of tranquility, you are victorious.
Great article, Donna! I would also add
#8 Don’t always trust those who may say they are your friends, REMEMBER BENEDICT ARNOLD.
There are, unfortunately, those among our circle who may even appear to be helping us to gain freedom from the tyrant, but who are in fact, taking information to our enemy about our plans.
I think about my egg donor, and ErinBrock’s parents who helped her X kidnap her children while she was sick with cancer and chemotherapy for three months. The double hurt and injury of the BETRAYAL of these trusted “allies” is extremely painful to us, but we must recognize that it is a possibility and play our cards “close to our chests.”
Happy Independence day to you Donna, and to all the people here at LF who are strong, brave, and determined WARRIORS for INDEPENDENCE FROM THE PSYCHOPATHS!!!
Great aweseom article and I like Oxy’s #8-I learned that lesson the hard way this year about trusting people who I thought were my friends. I am also about to enter the big battle with all the spaths at my former job-HOPEFULLY! This has nothing to do with the man who turned my life upside down three years ago.
I am in the attorney search for someone who will work on contingency to sue the pants of my former employer for defamation, libel, and slander. I already won the first battle with them by winning my unemployment appeal and the judge also said in his opinion/decision that the employer did not have a preponderance of evidence that ANY violation or the “alleged” incident even occurred-AND that most of their evidence was hearsay. There is no evidence that there was any misconduct related to the unemployment.
THe problem is that I can’t get a job due to the fact that they are still able to give bad references saying that I was fired for misconduct-despite the judge’s decision that I wasn’t. I am praying that I can find an attorney soon-one that will show some teeth-like a pit bull and get in these people’s faces and make them pay. I have never been a person that supported taking revenge against anyone but this is the time that it is required for me to have a life. I want them to pay and I want to get as much as I could possibly get from them-since this period of unemployment has destroyed my credit report, which may also keep me from getting jobs!!
Donna,
#2 – Never Underestimate the Sociopath
I did and now I have real trouible. On divorce complaint #2 since Spath/N let the last one lapse. He seemed to have been on a campaign to gain favor with our 12 year old son for the last few months . My mom passed in February and my nutjob sisters, although estranged and not speaking to mom for years, are fighting her will and wishes. So a lot of my free time has been occupied with legal matters.
Not to mention the marathon divorce proceedings.
My son has changed in recent months – 12 1/2 – and his lying has become habitual – almost like overnight. Since he sees alot of negative behaviors from his dad, I wasted no time getting him back for a few counseling sessions. Naturally, he didn’t like being held accountable to explain all the lies.
Fast forward to son wanting a new bike. He has one, but he wanted a mountain bike. So we negotiated an advance on his allowance for heavy chores like grass cutting, leaf cleanup and snow. He was also going to earn some money from his dad. Two weeks ago son got caught lying, walking out the door to go with his dad before his chores were done and a general attitude of contempt and defiance.
So I did not commit to a date to get the bike. Last Friday, son got S-dad to buy the bike. Son wanted to bring it to our house on Sunday and I told him no. He was grounded and would have to wait another week.
My son pitched a fit all day and at 4:00 pm last Saturday he walked over to his dad’s and won’t come home. He barely talks on the phone – won’t even come for a visit.
We go to a new counselor tomorrow since Spath knows the current one has his number.
Attorneys are working on a motion. Dad has filed a motion for full physical custody – this would ruin our son.
Would a judge take my son away after having him for the last 3 years? Spath has recordings of our dealings – him pushing my buttons and Spath looking grand – me screaming at him and not at my best. It sounds horrible.
Outside of that – I am a good mom of two and have gone to great lengths to nurture my son as a boy – skateparks, golf, swimming, amusement parks, baseball, wrestling, etc.
Spath does none of this .
Every night my son falls asleep on my shoulder watching TV together.
How can he not miss me?
Why won’t he see me in 9 days ?
Will the courts be likely to give son to Spath full-time?
My heart is broken – he is my child – my heart and Spath has lured him with guns, a new dog, camera, Ipod, new bike, dirt bikes etc. And no rules – just wandering around in a truck all day.
PLEASE PLEASE HELP – MY NERVES ARE SHOT
Donna,
what an awesome article and I love Oxy’s #8. TRUST NO ONE. By the time you realized what is going on, he most likely has infiltrated or turned half the people in your life against you. It’s uncanny how they do this.
It’s unfortunate, but when dealing with a spath, you have to think and act just like them. Lie, suspect everyone, act the opposite of how you feel, hide money, plot and strategize.
The only other thing I would add is: do not give them any of your real emotions. Give them no emotion or give them fake emotions.
New Life,
I’m so sorry to hear that.
Your son is at the most vulnerable age of twelve.
This is when he is going to try to exert his independence from authority: you.
Continue to be firm and loving. Kids really need that and want it, it makes them feel safe. Be consistent too.
Don’t show weakness or sadness or anything that makes you seem emotionally out of control.
Everything you say and do is still going into his head and he is absorbing it, whether he likes to admit it or not. You can continue to be his role model, that’s the best you can do for him.
Dear New Life,
That is WHAT THEY (the psychopaths) DO—they use the most valuable assets we have against us—our children. Or any thing else you love.
Can a judge do that? Yep, he sure can. Especially since your son is a boy and “boys should be with their dads” and all that carp.
Keep in mind though, once your X has your sun full time, the boy may become a burden to him….so your son may eventually want to come back to live with you.
Also keep in mind that at 12 1/2 a kid is starting the normal process of breaking away from parents and becoming an adult, and rebelling against authority.
I suggest that you keep the boy in therapy if at all possible. If he does go to live with your X, try to at least ON THE SURFACE remain calm and cool (hard I know) and make sure that you enforce your visiting periods, and as for the kid not keeping his word, and the lies, you still have to hold the line on those things whether he likes it or not.
Also I suggest that you go to Dr. Leedom’s blog “Parenting the at-risk child” and do the best you can but don’t take 100% responsibility for the outcome. The truth is there is some genetics there that we have no control over and in this case there is also environment you have no control over, the P is out to alienate your son from you. I’ve lost one son to him BEING a psychopath and the other one is just a jack ass, but the truth of the matter is, both my biological sons are out of my life. It hurts, but the pain does decrease and become bearable, and right now you feel like it can’t ever be bearable but it can be. God bless and comfort you! You are NOT alone.
OXY
We have a parenting plan agreement written from mediation 3 weeks ago. We were just waiting for it to be sent to the lawyers for review and signature. Won’t the judge enforce that now and see the manipulation of the S ?
The judge is a female and thought to be very fair. She would let S just appear now after 3 yrs and seek a custody order ?
Won’t she question his motives? This is all because I wouldn’t cave financially . This is my punishment.
And my son was ripe for the picking – set up nicely – bought and encouraged. There are things missing from the house that tells me they planned this .
Son just called to say he got a fishing pole at a garage sale !!!
Spath is gonna take him fishing – OMG – Dear Lord – what BS!!!
I bought the fishing poles. crab traps, nets and stuff for my kids 6 years ago. Spath never did any of it or participated other than eating the f’n crabs !!! NOW HE’S GONNA FISH ???
In the last few months he has bought a dog, camera, Ipod, bike , BB guns, hand guns, and that’s what I know about – to entice my son.
But he won’t pay the bills – not one !!! He leaves that for me.
PAinting a picture he is – bastard !!!!
OXY – you don’t think I have any chance of keeping my son?
Newlife
Just lost my huge post to you. May be a good thing, too much rambling.
1) Don’t fight a battle with what you THINK, even if it’s true. People can’t help you win b/c of THOUGHTS. Fight what you can with proof…document, document, document. Dates, missing items, when you noticed them gone. Record or write down Conversations, dates times/ who else is there.
If your spath is NOT supposed to have custody of your son, he should return him.
2) Get councelling help, maybe consult with Dr Leedom? You need a game plan where you stop your spath from making you into your son’s adversary. You need to make sure your reputation is as your son’s ADVOCATE.
Your son wants to be loved by his dad. That’s the carrot your spath is dangling. Desire is a powerful weapon. Your son will NOT see the truth about his dad, may not for years.
But you MUST focus on making sure your son sees the truth about YOU. That involves councelling, his and YOURS, together and separately. And it means limiting your spath and hopefully those court orders will do that. I hope you have a hell of a good attorney and that you are on the phone will that attorney asap.
Makes sure to know your sons friends, do all you can to facilitate and encourage friendships with boys you know, approve of, are in your value system. Peers are the only group more powerful than your sons desire for his dad’s love. Keep your son involved in sports and with friends who participate in sports.
Beware and KNOW what’s true. In MY CITY, skateboarders are the kids looking for trouble… they smoke/antisocial/nasty attitudes/isolated/druggies.
Your spath does pay bills. He does not charge the toys to you. He buys your son food. And yes, a judge will question the motives of a dad who has abandoned your son in the past. Use the past abandonment as part of your plea for reasonable custody, you must have custody and your spath only gets visitation b/c of his history of abandonment.
That’s my offer. From a failed mom. Who is living her heartbreak of failing to understand the poison of an spath. I didn’t find this site until two years ago. I needed it 15 years ago… You are so far ahead of most of us…
Keep calm. Get help and strategic advice. Limit your spath’s access to your son. Promote your sons friends. Keep your son in sports and doing well in school. Be his advocate. Do NOT let anyone portray you as your son’s adversary. Keep watch over your other child. They are surely watching too.
ps Make sure your son does NOT find out about this site. He will tell the spath for sure.
Dear Newlife,
I SURE AS HECK HOPE AND PRAY THAT YOU DO RETAIN CUSTODY, but “custody” isn’t the only issue here, it is the parental alienation he does—buying the kid with toys and time when in the past he never did.
I hope so much and I PRAY that the judge will SEE what he is doing and I hope to God that she is smarter than your X, so I don’t think there is NO chance you can keep physical custody, it is the EMOTIONAL damage and the “buying” your son that your X is doing that may do the worst damage.
You are in my prayers my dear! Katy has some good advice too. Most of all KEEP YOUR COOL ABOUT THIS AND DON’T PANIC…PLAN FOR THE WORST, AND HOPE AND PRAY FOR THE BEST. ((((HUGS)))) and PRAYERS.
Oxy
Agree custody is not the issue but custody is a tool in limiting spath access. If she has custody and the spath won’t abide by it, she can use that in court. Hopefully the judge will not appreciate their orders being ignored and undermined. For those judges who don’t care about the kid, sometimes the judges DO care about how spaths treat the judges orders….