Today, July 4th, is Independence Day in the United States of America. On this day 235 years ago, the country’s forefathers declared independence from the tyranny of a distant king. Today, let us all declare independence from the tyranny of sociopaths.
Declaring independence, of course, is only the beginning of the struggle. In 1776, the tyrant did not want to lose a prized possession—the Colonies—and retaliated by sending an army. The Colonists who believed in independence had no choice but to fight, even though most had little experience—they were farmers, tradesmen and laborers. But they learned how to fight. It took five years, many battles and many hardships, but in the end, the United States of America emerged victorious.
What can we learn from those Colonists that we can use in our own battles? The early Americans believed in themselves, believed in their cause, and did not give up. Oh, they suffered defeats, but they retreated, regrouped, and fought again. They learned from their mistakes, found allies and kept going.
If you’re doing battle with a sociopath—and make no mistake, any interaction is a battle—here are some strategies that will help you:
1. Know your enemy. Be brutally honest in evaluating the sociopath in your life. Remember: The sociopath never loved you. All you ever were to him or her was a source of supply. Once you get over the shock of their soullessness, you’ll begin to see the patterns of their actions. This will enable you to predict what they will do, and plan accordingly.
2. Never underestimate the sociopath. Do not anticipate that the sociopath will act as you, a person capable of love and empathy, would act. The sociopath has no concern for your emotions, your feelings and your welfare. Without empathy or a conscience, the sociopath is capable of doing anything, even the unthinkable, to get what he or she wants, which is to win.
3. Conserve your own resources. You can’t fight if you are sick or injured, so do your best to take care of yourself. Eat right; avoid drugs and alcohol; get enough rest. If you are suffering from anxiety or depression, a good way to relieve them is through exercise. Be gentle with yourself as you recover from trauma.
4. Plan strategically. Figure out what you really want and need, and figure out a way to get them. Never let the sociopath know your plans. If you are living with the person and need to escape, prepare a getaway bag and leave when he or she is not around. If you are going to court, keep careful records and document everything that happens. Keep in mind that you may need to use subterfuge and diversion to execute your plans.
5. Pick your battles. Determine what is really important to you, and what you can let go of. Your life and health are important; you may need to give up on recovering your money, saving your reputation or seeing justice done—at least for the time being. Only take on the battles that are vitally important at the moment.
6. Use overwhelming force. If you do have an opportunity to serve justice, go after the sociopath with everything you’ve got. Do not play nice; do not hold back. The harder you hit, the more likely your chances of success.
7. Seek peace. Remember, the only life you absolutely, positively can influence is your own. Your ultimate objective should be your peace of mind and peace of heart. Achieving it may mean letting go of material goods, people and past traumas. You may need to redefine yourself and how you relate to the world. If you can get to a place of tranquility, you are victorious.
I want to clarify my first statement about silly methods..the next man who entered my life, with whom I have been for >10 years, WAS the best man at my best friend’s wedding (no..I did not “take” him from another woman..I think we fare much better when when don’t “butt” into the relationships of other women, like the woman did, who was MARRIED when she stole my man. Good riddance to him. She can have him. He is HER problem now, and that is what I suggest you ALL should think..that she has “taken on” his problems that you all slaked. It will be HER headaches and hellish roller coaster, now, not yours.
In fact, crazy at it may sound, that “ritual” of mine, dancing/crying to Stevie Winwood’s tune, “Bring Me A Higher Love” was, I imagine, much like those Celtic women did, when dancing in the rain while nude, to worship the Goddess Moon. Oh yeah!
Zim, I think the one rolling up the windows and screaming may have been either me and/or Aloha, we both admitted to driving down the highway TALKING/SCREAMING at our P’s (who were of course not in the car with us) and we joked about how other drivers must have thought we were crazy! LOL
Writing letters to them that you DO NOT MAIL!!!!! The “do not mail” is the BIGGEST part!
There are lots of silly ways to get the anger out and as long as they don’t hurt you or anyone else, I say GO FOR IT!!!!
The quite times of calm introspection though I think are in the long run more productive, but sometimes even the silliest of things helps us make it through the night!
The most “healing” thing for me, since my ex (SPATH) was to EXPOSE him on the internet .. exposure, exposure and MORE exposure, and helping others in my same past “fix” expose their nasty exes.. to expose their own spaths. I help them expose rapists, sex offenders, sex addicts, pedophiles, serial monogamists, bigamists, child molesters .. you name it .. I try to help them, whether that be from my own exposure of my ex, or by inviting a researcher to help me expose more of them .. I just keep “keepin’ on” when, still (but only very occasionally, because my stress is less and less, as years pass), whenever that “anxiety” attacks me, from what he put me through. My theme is from the C&W tune my ex spath used to sing on stage, “Tell It Like It Is” .. Yes. We have to keep doing that..telling it like it is…
Oxy:
Well, I mailed my letter…not sure that was such a bad thing, but who knows.
Does anyone find that they can’t deal with any other dramas in their lives since they have dealt with the X spaths? Example…there is some drama going on in my family right now and even though I live far away, it is serious. My uncle is dying and he has asked to borrow some money from my mom so he doesn’t leave his wife with debt. She told him no. So then he calls me thinking that I’m going to be mad at him because he asked my mom for money. I never even see this uncle and I feel extremely bad that he is dying, but I just don’t want to deal with it. And also I must say that dying or not, I felt like I was being manipulated. Isn’t that horrible to feel that way? I would have NEVER felt that two years ago before I went through my experience, but I almost felt like he felt I would tell my mom to go ahead and give him the money! Anyway, do you all feel like that? Like you just don’t want to deal with ANYTHING that comes along now? That is how I feel big time and I don’t like it. It’s not really a good feeling. I feel like I am just dropping out of life even though NOT dealing with drama is good.
Louise,
He asked to “borrow” money from your mom so he wouldn’t leave his WIFE with DEBT? How did he intend to repay this “loan” with “pennies from heaven?”
YES HE WAS TRYING TO MANIPULATE YOUR MOM, AND YOU TOO.
And to answer your question….yes, I have NO tolerance for BS any more from anyone.
I’m sorry your uncle is dying too….but we all gotta go some time, and that doesn’t give us a pass to con some relative out of money because they feel badly for us. Yea, I do think him calling you was to get you to pull your mother’s heart strings to send him money.
CLASSIC PITY PLAY.
Oxy:
I’m watching the Jaycee interview. Wow. Those stupid parole officers!! What an inspiring story though on HOPE.
I’m sorry…yes, he did mention to me that he realized it would have to be a “gift” because there was no way obviously he was going to be able to pay it back. He asked for a substantial amount. Sorry that I was just typing away and used the wrong terminology…borrow vs. gift. OK, I’m glad you saw it as I have. I truly do think he thinks I will call my mom and tell her she should give him the money. I won’t do that. That is between her and her brother.
Thanks for confirming also that you don’t have tolerance for the BS anymore. I don’t have the tolerance, but mostly, I just don’t have the energy. Thank you, Oxy.
Louise, just the NERVE of him asking is more than I can tolerate. He should have thought about “debt” before he made it….and asking your sister to bail you out is pretty nervy, unless maybe your mom is so wealthy the money wouldn’t be much to her, but even then, I think it’s pretty nervy.
Oxy:
Yep, that is exactly how my mom feels about the debt. You are seeing things pretty clearly. I do have to say though that my uncle and his wife have very little. He only wants the money to pay the remaining medical bills and to pay off the car loan. BUT…his wife doesn’t even drive because she is disabled so the car is going to get paid off for what?? If he calls me again, I am going to tell him that I think he should just have the bank take it back. Yes, it will ruin his wife’s credit, but that’s not the end of the world. What a mess. I think he feels desperate, but he is still being manipulative.