Today, July 4th, is Independence Day in the United States of America. On this day 235 years ago, the country’s forefathers declared independence from the tyranny of a distant king. Today, let us all declare independence from the tyranny of sociopaths.
Declaring independence, of course, is only the beginning of the struggle. In 1776, the tyrant did not want to lose a prized possession—the Colonies—and retaliated by sending an army. The Colonists who believed in independence had no choice but to fight, even though most had little experience—they were farmers, tradesmen and laborers. But they learned how to fight. It took five years, many battles and many hardships, but in the end, the United States of America emerged victorious.
What can we learn from those Colonists that we can use in our own battles? The early Americans believed in themselves, believed in their cause, and did not give up. Oh, they suffered defeats, but they retreated, regrouped, and fought again. They learned from their mistakes, found allies and kept going.
If you’re doing battle with a sociopath—and make no mistake, any interaction is a battle—here are some strategies that will help you:
1. Know your enemy. Be brutally honest in evaluating the sociopath in your life. Remember: The sociopath never loved you. All you ever were to him or her was a source of supply. Once you get over the shock of their soullessness, you’ll begin to see the patterns of their actions. This will enable you to predict what they will do, and plan accordingly.
2. Never underestimate the sociopath. Do not anticipate that the sociopath will act as you, a person capable of love and empathy, would act. The sociopath has no concern for your emotions, your feelings and your welfare. Without empathy or a conscience, the sociopath is capable of doing anything, even the unthinkable, to get what he or she wants, which is to win.
3. Conserve your own resources. You can’t fight if you are sick or injured, so do your best to take care of yourself. Eat right; avoid drugs and alcohol; get enough rest. If you are suffering from anxiety or depression, a good way to relieve them is through exercise. Be gentle with yourself as you recover from trauma.
4. Plan strategically. Figure out what you really want and need, and figure out a way to get them. Never let the sociopath know your plans. If you are living with the person and need to escape, prepare a getaway bag and leave when he or she is not around. If you are going to court, keep careful records and document everything that happens. Keep in mind that you may need to use subterfuge and diversion to execute your plans.
5. Pick your battles. Determine what is really important to you, and what you can let go of. Your life and health are important; you may need to give up on recovering your money, saving your reputation or seeing justice done—at least for the time being. Only take on the battles that are vitally important at the moment.
6. Use overwhelming force. If you do have an opportunity to serve justice, go after the sociopath with everything you’ve got. Do not play nice; do not hold back. The harder you hit, the more likely your chances of success.
7. Seek peace. Remember, the only life you absolutely, positively can influence is your own. Your ultimate objective should be your peace of mind and peace of heart. Achieving it may mean letting go of material goods, people and past traumas. You may need to redefine yourself and how you relate to the world. If you can get to a place of tranquility, you are victorious.
Louise,
I am sorry that your uncle and his wife’s life has been what it has been, but that is not the responsibility of your mother….his wife’s credit isn’t going to be the worst problem she has.
I’m glad that your mom is not going to feel guilty about this or give him the money. Charity is one thing, being manipulated is another thing.
I had some “friends” who manipulated me—he was/is disabled, but because I had more he felt I OWED to take care of him, yet, he did not spend the money he had wisely, but “frittered” it away on “Toys”—-so I finally got over feeling guilty about it. LOL
How to deal with Emotional Vampires:
http://hubpages.com/hub/How-to-deal-with-emotional-vampires_2
Thought this was interesting and wanted to share….
DUPED
Good little article, Duped….just doesn’t go far enough (as usual) and call them what they are….but “vampires” is close enough I guess. LOL Thanks for the linnk.
Oxy:
Yeah, he also said that he would produce receipts for everything to prove that he was using the money to pay off the debts. My mom has dementia, too so it even further complicates things. Thank you so much for listening to me and responding to this.
Well, hopefully, she won’t be manipulated and can be protected from him.
Oxy:
I am hoping so. I don’t want to get in the middle…don’t want to deal with it as I said earlier. But if/when I talk to him again, I think I will at least tell him to just not worry about it…they don’t have anything so what are the creditors going to do??? You can’t get blood out of a turnip.
So this was my reply to the above:
“Jerkface,
I know that the extra over night is intended for after vacation, but you will be able to have more time with him this Wednesday 6:20-3:30 pm. Additionally, I have plans for Saturday and Sunday.
Please confirm our exchange for either Wednesday, July 13 at 6:20 am or Friday, July 29 at 6:20 am and 1:45 pm.”
And Jerkface says…
“FAD
I am not sure how much more clear I can be. It appears you only want to follow the agreement when it benefits you. The agreement states I am to have an EXTRA overnight AFTER the vacation if it will be 10 days or more without Jr. and I seeing each other. So why would I want to use the extra time 2 weeks before your scheduled vacation? I am already scheduled to see him for the next 2 weeks. Whether or not I will have more time with him on a given day, does not make up for the 10 days or more I will go without seeing him 2 weeks from now.
May I also note, I still do not have confirmation on my work schedule because I am not slated to receive that information until July 18th. That being said, your vacation ends at 6pm on Friday July 29th, and there is a possibility that I will have Jr. on my scheduled weekend. So you should not have any plans for Saturday July 30th or Sunday July 31. Having “plans” is not a valid exception in the case of interfering with my scheduled time.
Please be advised that this is the second time you will be going against our custody agreement (i.e., make-up time, extra overnight). As such, you should know that I will be filing a petition in court. It is time that Jr.’s best interests’ be heard. Did you ever think to yourself, what would make Jr. happy? Or what would Jr. want? Whether you agree or not, Jr. does love spending time with his FATHER, not JUST his mother. Yet you refuse to see that. Frankly, it is all very sad. In all actuality, I would say it is quite stressful for our son.”
Thoughts please…is there anything I can tell/expect my attorney to do?
At this point she said the court would not be happy to see him bringing a petition for 1 make-up day.
FAD, Darliing you have copies of sooooo mannnnny e mails where he is belittling you and on and on if he wants to go to court. let the SOB get it on! You are going to have to set some limits somewhere because where ever you set it, he is going to push the limit. You can’t be “reasonable” with someone so bent on HIS WAY.
I read the article about emotional Vampires.
I definitely feel guilty about not giving him the make up day. Although I haven’t violated the agreement.
Jerkface makes me feel guilty about not being nice, in general.
I am a kind person who would go out of my way to help those I love.
I would think any court is not expecting me to LOVE him.
That is REALLY where his “guilt” trips work. It is not that I feel I am being unreasonable, I just fear he is convincing enough to a court to get his way.
Recently I am wondering if I should offer him 1 make-up day for the weekend I watched Jr. for 11 hours, since I DID get extra time with Jr.
However, Jerkface does not appreciate the fact that no matter how much I love having Jr. IT is still an inconvenience. I always have to cancel plans and appts. to watch Jr.
I also don’t want to “give-in” because Jerkface will see the chinks in my armor. And learn that all he has to do is whine and belittle to get his way.
I know from raising Jr. (as we all do) that once they learn that crying or screaming works, we now have a greater battle.
I consulted the good Lord and he said…
Proverbs 25:26
Like a muddied spring or a polluted well is a righteous man who gives way to the wicked.
Proverbs 26:3-12 refers to fools who cannot be reasoned with or trusted.
26:4
Do not answer a fool according to his folly, or you will be like him yourself.
At first I was hung up on the idea of turning the other cheek or feeding your enemy when he is hungry, therefore causing them shame.
We know spaths feel no shame. So I realized that he is not just my enemy, but an EVIL “fool”.
Considering all this, I am STILL having a hard time feeling I should not offer him some make- up time. I guess so that at least it looks like I tried to be reasonable myself.
comments always appreciated.
FAD
(((FAD)))
So sorry to hear of this turmoil in your world. xxoo
Hmm…having a difficult time with the ‘reasoning’, I see.
YOU MUST BELIEVE IN THE THINGS YOU KNOW ARE TRUTH.
THERE IS YOUR ANSWER. STOP & THINK ABOUT IT.
You must stand on your own two feet, put your high heels on along with your ‘big girl britches’ and make the decision based accordingly as to what YOU know is right and just. To heck with what “IT” wants; what the courts want; WHAT DO YOU WANT?
And I would go with that because THAT is your life. Right?
Don’t feel sorry for “IT”. “IT” probably does not feel sorry for you. Am I right, when I suggest “IT” is using the child as leverage to emotionally torment and torture you? (How did I know?) And, I am here to tell you, FAD, YOU MUST TAKE A STAND FOR YOU AND THAT CHILD. PERIOD. Don’t sway from it. Keep your visitation schedules as the court has defined and don’t waiver from it. Let nothing else be a consideration except for you and your child.
Even if he IS convincing enough to sway the court, SO CAN YOU BE because you are “MOM”. Period. You have custody; right? The Good Lord is with you and so am I. I raised four children by myself, working, non stop….BUT: I put “US” first, foremost and above all else when making my decisions in life. There just is no other way.
YOU are trying to be more than reasonable. In fact, you are MORE THAN REASONABLE. Be careful feeling ‘guilty’…it’s a trap. A trap meant to torment you some more. If we just stop participating in the drama, it will eventually stop and find another place to ‘dwell’ and spin it’s wicked deceits.
“Possession” is a horrid thing. Dealing with these kinds of people is even more horrid. It seems like it will never end. Because we are TRUSTING THEY will ‘see the light’ and they never do. WE ARE WASTING OUR TIME BY EVEN CARING. That is a hard thing to digest but it’s true. There is something SERIOUSLY MISSING in these people and the more we dicker around with them, the more devastation, torture and havoc they will reek upon us.
I am sorry for you so much that you are going through this FAD. My heart and thoughts are with you. I just want you to know, after everything I have been through in my life, YOU are, all by yourself, SOMEONE SPECIAL and A FORCE TO BE RECKONED WITH. 🙂 You are a bright, intelligent, caring, person who has THE ABSOLUTE RIGHT TO STICK UP FOR YOU AND YOUR CHILD NO MATTER WHO IS THE FATHER. YOU are the caregiver, not “IT”. Am I right? It’s YOUR ‘show’ now, Sweetie. This is your time to SHINE and to justify.
I know you will do just fine. Think of you and your beautiful child. Follow that light and you will be just fine.
*BLESSINGS WITH LOVE*
Dupedster