Today, July 4th, is Independence Day in the United States of America. On this day 235 years ago, the country’s forefathers declared independence from the tyranny of a distant king. Today, let us all declare independence from the tyranny of sociopaths.
Declaring independence, of course, is only the beginning of the struggle. In 1776, the tyrant did not want to lose a prized possession—the Colonies—and retaliated by sending an army. The Colonists who believed in independence had no choice but to fight, even though most had little experience—they were farmers, tradesmen and laborers. But they learned how to fight. It took five years, many battles and many hardships, but in the end, the United States of America emerged victorious.
What can we learn from those Colonists that we can use in our own battles? The early Americans believed in themselves, believed in their cause, and did not give up. Oh, they suffered defeats, but they retreated, regrouped, and fought again. They learned from their mistakes, found allies and kept going.
If you’re doing battle with a sociopath—and make no mistake, any interaction is a battle—here are some strategies that will help you:
1. Know your enemy. Be brutally honest in evaluating the sociopath in your life. Remember: The sociopath never loved you. All you ever were to him or her was a source of supply. Once you get over the shock of their soullessness, you’ll begin to see the patterns of their actions. This will enable you to predict what they will do, and plan accordingly.
2. Never underestimate the sociopath. Do not anticipate that the sociopath will act as you, a person capable of love and empathy, would act. The sociopath has no concern for your emotions, your feelings and your welfare. Without empathy or a conscience, the sociopath is capable of doing anything, even the unthinkable, to get what he or she wants, which is to win.
3. Conserve your own resources. You can’t fight if you are sick or injured, so do your best to take care of yourself. Eat right; avoid drugs and alcohol; get enough rest. If you are suffering from anxiety or depression, a good way to relieve them is through exercise. Be gentle with yourself as you recover from trauma.
4. Plan strategically. Figure out what you really want and need, and figure out a way to get them. Never let the sociopath know your plans. If you are living with the person and need to escape, prepare a getaway bag and leave when he or she is not around. If you are going to court, keep careful records and document everything that happens. Keep in mind that you may need to use subterfuge and diversion to execute your plans.
5. Pick your battles. Determine what is really important to you, and what you can let go of. Your life and health are important; you may need to give up on recovering your money, saving your reputation or seeing justice done—at least for the time being. Only take on the battles that are vitally important at the moment.
6. Use overwhelming force. If you do have an opportunity to serve justice, go after the sociopath with everything you’ve got. Do not play nice; do not hold back. The harder you hit, the more likely your chances of success.
7. Seek peace. Remember, the only life you absolutely, positively can influence is your own. Your ultimate objective should be your peace of mind and peace of heart. Achieving it may mean letting go of material goods, people and past traumas. You may need to redefine yourself and how you relate to the world. If you can get to a place of tranquility, you are victorious.
FightAnotherDay
Is he journaling this cr*p or is this an email?
You feel guilty about the make-up day DON’T (he’s guilt tripping you)
You don’t have to love him hell you don’t even have to be NICE to him.
He knows he will put you over a barrel by saying he’s going to court ”“ that’s blackmailing you emotionally.
NO NO NO do not offer him a make-up day. If you do he knows that next time he can push you further. He has you on the run. STOP and FACE HIM head on.
You can turn the other cheek again and again and spath will keep slapping you in the face. (scripture is sometimes taken out of context) you do not have to keep taking his BS.
You owe him nothing. Zero. I don’t see you whinging to him, threatening him, taking him to court, questioning his every move! Why? Because you are a reasonable person. You can’t reason with a spath because it’s not about what’s best for junior it’s all about HIM.
Toughen up FAD. Say it, mean it. And tell him NO it’s not up for discussion – here endeth the first lesson!
All praise to you. In your message you were factual and to the point. Then read what he puts blah, blah, blah. He just wants drama.
“We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand.”
FAD!!!BOINK!!!!!!!
(for the “feeling guilty”) Look GF, you know better than that. You are ALLOWS Jerkface to MANIPULATE YOUR EMOTIONS and to STOP it NOW!!!
You don’t have to bend over backwards to treat him as you would have him treat you…..you can be FAIR and go along with theagreement. You do not have to give him an inch because he will take a MILE, and you know that.
Suffering fools! Means you just don’t be “mean” to him, it doesn’t mean you aren’t “fair” and “just” and follow the rules with him, it doesn’t mean you have to give in to him every time he INCONVENIENCES YOU.
If it goes to court….tell the judge that HE IS FRAMING THIS “extra time’ you got with Junior as a “BONUS” when in REALITY it is an inconvenience to have to change your plans at the last minute because of JERKFACE’S last minute change of plans.
YOU CAN NEVER MAKE SOLID PLANS because JERKFACE is ALWAYS changing his plans to HIS CONVENIENCE and expecting you to go along with it every time. So when he CRAPS OUT on you at the LAST MINUTE, you have to give up YOUR PLANS, and cancel them when YOU WERE EXPECTING HIM TO HAVE JUNIOR and now he is demanding “make up time”??????? Again making you cancel plans already made.
FRAME IT DIFFERENTLY. And yes, even though you love Junior, when you have made plans expecting Jerk face to have him, and then those plans are canceled at the last minute, it is like having your baby sitter cancel at the last minute.
OW! You hit so hard with that skillet, Ox, it made MY eyeballs rattle! 🙂
Excellent advice: frame it differently.
Have a happy day Ox…
Your wisdom always shines through.
Thanks for more than I can say.
Dupedster
Gosh. This is so hard.
I want to be rational.
I try to see it as a normal person would (the court doesn’t know he’s a spath). I think about the “normal” divorced fathers or put the shoe on the other foot, and think, ‘what would I like?’
I would want make up time if I didn’t get to see my son for two whole afternoons beyond my control.
Then I think about the fact that it is not about his love or concern for Jr. but about his wanted to “steel” Jr. from me.
I have already written in the journal that I will give him Jr. 6:20 Friday, instead of 3:30 (9 hours in return for the 11 I had Jr. Jerkface wanted TWO days 6:20-3:30 No way! That is not when I had him.)
He will likely say he doesn’t want him because he thinks I have something better to do, anyway.
I am TORN.
I want to be a woman of her word. I want my no to mean no and my yes to mean yes. So I am not at peace giving him this time, yet I feel that him having lost parenting time, was truly not his fault.
The way he is I am surprised he even offered me first refusal. He hogs all the time he can…he even take first refusal before I offer it, because he looks up my work schedule online.
His wife probably did not want to babysit all day. As it was, she was why I did not get Jr. at 6:20 am either day…she did not want to get her (and Jr.) up and out that early.
I am however explaining, in the journal that the addendum he is referring to is only a temporary stipulation when he is unemployed. He will be upset he cannot be “day care” and that his day care and medical contributions resume to 50%.
I guess I am thinking I am GIVING him the make-up time, so I can TAKE away a number of other things that he THINKS he has.
Wrapping a ugly present in a pretty bow.
?????
Argh.
I can always scribble it out.
I HEAR you girls!!!!!
I am going to read your posts until i believe it deep!
Thank you
FightAnotherDay
’I have already written in the journal that I will give him Jr. 6:20 Friday, instead of 3:30′ enough said FAD.
You offered him extra and now he wants 2 days! Use the cracked record technique (for those of us old enough to remember vinyl) ”“ just keep repeating the same thing over and over til he gets fed up of asking.
’I feel that him having lost parenting time, was truly not his fault’ It’s ALL his fault. If he was not such a spath you would not be in this mess in the first place. Put the blame where it belongs ”“ at HIS door.
Might I suggest ’doctoring your work schedule ”“ set a few red herrings. He has no business knowing your plans anyway. He can look at your schedule to see how best to jerk you around.
From what you say his GF is looking after Junior anyway NOT him. So much for his quality time!
Sorry candy,
I wrote it in the journal, but he hasn’t gotten it yet.
He did want two days, but I am only offering 2.
Hey FAD, no need to apologise to me girl (smiles)
This is what I have in the journal. Going out this afternoon.
(FAD cowers from potential skillet blows)
“In consideration of the 11 hours I watched Jr. for you; I would like to give you one “make-up” afternoon at 6:20 am on Friday, July 15. Please confirm if this works for you.
Returning to the issue of the “extra overnight”; since there is so much uncertainty concerning our parenting schedule, we should wait until after July 18th to schedule it.
Regarding day care when I return to work; the addendum no-longer applies.
On page 5, line 10 of the addendum, your attorney states that when you become employed, Jr. returns to day care 5 days a week. Furthermore, beginning on line 12, the judge states once return to employment, all the terms of the settlement agreement apply.
Now our MSA governs. Of course there is language in our agreement which allows for you to have Jr. on your days off.”
At some point I would like to say something like, “Due to the constant uncertainties regarding your work schedule, I hope you will understand that I will continue to be as flexible as possible, but as I do schedule things in advance such as play dates, when I have Jr. and Dr. appointments, when I don’t, that I won’t be able to accommodate every change immediately. (especially on short notice)”
FightAnotherDay
Yes, we are right to fear the skillet of Ox ”“ it smarts like hell.
Ok, keep it factual. No touchy/feely stuff! I have re-jigged it a bit. See what you think.
I will give you one “make-up” afternoon at 6:20 am on Friday, July 15. Confirm/decline via the journal.
Returning to the issue of the “extra overnight”; since there is so much uncertainty concerning our parenting schedule, we will wait until after July 18th to schedule it.
Regarding day care when I return to work; the addendum no-longer applies.
On page 5, line 10 of the addendum, your attorney states that when you become employed, Jr. returns to day care 5 days a week. Furthermore, beginning on line 12, the judge states once return to employment, all the terms of the settlement agreement apply.
Now our MSA governs. There is language in our agreement which allows for you to have Jr. on your days off.”
Due to the constant uncertainties regarding your work schedule, I will continue to be as flexible if/when possible.
I will not be able to accommodate every change you request at short notice.