Today, July 4th, is Independence Day in the United States of America. On this day 235 years ago, the country’s forefathers declared independence from the tyranny of a distant king. Today, let us all declare independence from the tyranny of sociopaths.
Declaring independence, of course, is only the beginning of the struggle. In 1776, the tyrant did not want to lose a prized possession—the Colonies—and retaliated by sending an army. The Colonists who believed in independence had no choice but to fight, even though most had little experience—they were farmers, tradesmen and laborers. But they learned how to fight. It took five years, many battles and many hardships, but in the end, the United States of America emerged victorious.
What can we learn from those Colonists that we can use in our own battles? The early Americans believed in themselves, believed in their cause, and did not give up. Oh, they suffered defeats, but they retreated, regrouped, and fought again. They learned from their mistakes, found allies and kept going.
If you’re doing battle with a sociopath—and make no mistake, any interaction is a battle—here are some strategies that will help you:
1. Know your enemy. Be brutally honest in evaluating the sociopath in your life. Remember: The sociopath never loved you. All you ever were to him or her was a source of supply. Once you get over the shock of their soullessness, you’ll begin to see the patterns of their actions. This will enable you to predict what they will do, and plan accordingly.
2. Never underestimate the sociopath. Do not anticipate that the sociopath will act as you, a person capable of love and empathy, would act. The sociopath has no concern for your emotions, your feelings and your welfare. Without empathy or a conscience, the sociopath is capable of doing anything, even the unthinkable, to get what he or she wants, which is to win.
3. Conserve your own resources. You can’t fight if you are sick or injured, so do your best to take care of yourself. Eat right; avoid drugs and alcohol; get enough rest. If you are suffering from anxiety or depression, a good way to relieve them is through exercise. Be gentle with yourself as you recover from trauma.
4. Plan strategically. Figure out what you really want and need, and figure out a way to get them. Never let the sociopath know your plans. If you are living with the person and need to escape, prepare a getaway bag and leave when he or she is not around. If you are going to court, keep careful records and document everything that happens. Keep in mind that you may need to use subterfuge and diversion to execute your plans.
5. Pick your battles. Determine what is really important to you, and what you can let go of. Your life and health are important; you may need to give up on recovering your money, saving your reputation or seeing justice done—at least for the time being. Only take on the battles that are vitally important at the moment.
6. Use overwhelming force. If you do have an opportunity to serve justice, go after the sociopath with everything you’ve got. Do not play nice; do not hold back. The harder you hit, the more likely your chances of success.
7. Seek peace. Remember, the only life you absolutely, positively can influence is your own. Your ultimate objective should be your peace of mind and peace of heart. Achieving it may mean letting go of material goods, people and past traumas. You may need to redefine yourself and how you relate to the world. If you can get to a place of tranquility, you are victorious.
Candy,
I like and appreciate your re-jigging. I wish I had a spath re-jigger computer program : )
Just type what you want to say, it takes out all the emotion and unnecessary babble.
Wouldn’t that be cool?
Until then, to candy! Ta-da!
FAD
Candy,
Here’s one for you: I know I can never win, but at least if I tell him, it will be CRYSTAL CLEAR that he did it to spite me.
I want to tell him that I plan on taking Jr. to get his hair cut after I return from vacation, that he should therefore not cut it before.
“[After giving him the general itinerary required] I have made an appointment to have Jr.s hair cut on…”
You see, last summer he shaved Jr.’s head. Although people do like to cut their boy’s hair short. I do not believe it is a good idea right before a vacation in the sun and pool, as he will be more susceptible to a nice sunburn on his pale white scalp. (it is just over an inch long now.)
FAD – True. Phew! Why do you have to tell him you are taking jr to the hairdresser? Looks to me like that could be spath fodder and spath will probably race your son to the barbers and get him a Mohican! I dunno, certainly no point in trying to ‘reason’ with spath.
Has spath ever independently taken jr for a haircut? ( I mean usually like monthly, or was it just to spite you)
I can appreciate your reason and common sense approach for jr not having another shaved head. Spath will just do something to one-up you. It’s all a mind f*ck.
I am not required to tell him (I am required to tell him where we are going and hotel name, address, phone etc.), but recently due to last year’s cutting his hair often, though not at regular intervals, he will usually tell me when he is going to.
For instance, I figure if I tell him I am getting it cut instead of saying ‘don’t cut it’, he will say ok. Last time I wanted it cut for his 3 yr. pictures. Spath then said there was a special occasion (their wedding) that he wanted it cut for just 3 weeks later. So although I disagreed with the length, we both had our way.
I don’t know if it is completely out of spite as spath’s hair is shaved. Has been as long as I’ve known him. So he probably likes the look-a-like look.
So I figure, if he knows I am getting it cut, he won’t cut it.
FAD – Ahhhhhhhhh I see your logic. What do you have to lose. If spath DOES go ahead and get jr a haircut – you will have to buy jr a hat!! Good luck.
Yep. As Oxy says, “Damned if I do, damned if I don’t.”
At least my telling him is better than the emotional supply he would get if I complained.
Well. Have a good day sister!
FAD,
your scheduling conficts are making my head spin.
I wish you could post a calendar with blue for your time and red for his time and purple for ambivalent time.
Jerkface said, “Whether or not I will have more time with him on a given day, does not make up for the 10 days or more I will go without seeing him 2 weeks from now.”
To me, that says that make up time is meaning less to him, since it doesn’t make up for any lost time…right?
So don’t give him any. That was a sociopathic tell, IMO.
I like what Candy wrote for you. It’s straight to the point, and no nonsense. I also agree that you need to offer red herrings and throw him off your scent. With spaths, it’s always necessary to not let him see the truth about anythng. They lie all the time, but they use the truth against us. Whatever your schedule is at work, you need to keep it private. Tell your school that because you are having custody disputes in which your ex-husband is being manipulative, you can’t display your schedule publically anymore. When you schedule vacations, don’t tell him where you are going. Tell a neutral party who can contact you. Have him call your cell phone and leave a message or get an answering service, for emergencies. Think long and hard about all the ways he can manipulate you and then plug those holes. Don’t let your emotions ever, ever, ever show.
FAD, I like Candy’s re-jiggling too….you guys are SOOOO scared of my skillet I can tell.
I got my grandkids and great grandkids (3 and 5 off to Virginia this morning) car loaded down, not room for a toothpick in there.
Kids were wonderful but it was so hot that we couldn’t go outside much 107!!!!!! Horrible but God is good, it rained today and is 80 now and sun gone down….wonderful, I think I’m going to walk to my garden!
Skylar,
You know what else is a sociopathic tell?
He did not even take the time to pick up Jr. today. Must have asked his wife to pick him up on her way home from work! seriously! She was behind me, and we live in opposite directions from one another.
I was out of my mind upset. I felt I had no power! And my son is my everything. There was NO reason for jerkface not to be there. As he stated above, he is not working until the 18th!
I had agreed in the past to meet her when his work schedule conflicted, but there was NO accountability here. I really did not want to hand over Jr. I did not have a good feeling about it. So many questions.
I could just see him texting me minutes later asking where I was, that he was waiting for me.
I will be telling him in the Journal Friday that I will NOT be handing Jr. to anyone but him, unless previously agreed upon!
Secondly. Ladies. Please please don’t ever let me go down like that again.
I should not (I was not required to) have given him that extra time! While I was trying to do the right thing, not because he threatened me with court. I realize I have just taught him that threats work!
Oxy, I have given him an intermittent reward!
I need to try to forgive myself.
I thought I would feel better having done the “right” thing. But it wasn’t right for Jr.
Spath doesn’t want time with him.
The way I see it, if Jr. is a pawn. Spath only wants him, to take him away from me, or as a tool of distraction and persuasion with the wife.
Jr. needs and deserves to be with his well-adjusted mother, not his disordered father and stepford wife.
Instead of thinking, “what will I feel better about doing?” I should have sat down and thought,”which will make me feel worse after having done it?”
I tell you. Jerkface has gotten dramatically (pun intended) worse since the marriage! (careful what you wish for.)
Oh. The calender is my work calendar. I am a school teacher, so all Jerkface needs to do, in this technological era, is go to the school’s website and look at the calender. He knows what days I have conferences, snow days and make-up snow days.
Yet, I am not able to contact HIS employer regarding hours!
PS. I do often highlight my calender, when the schedule gets intense. I am glad I have not done this yet as the schedule has changed so much.
PPS: my therapist did say that she thought my response was very good, that I did not acknowledge or engage in his drama.