Today, July 4th, is Independence Day in the United States of America. On this day 235 years ago, the country’s forefathers declared independence from the tyranny of a distant king. Today, let us all declare independence from the tyranny of sociopaths.
Declaring independence, of course, is only the beginning of the struggle. In 1776, the tyrant did not want to lose a prized possession—the Colonies—and retaliated by sending an army. The Colonists who believed in independence had no choice but to fight, even though most had little experience—they were farmers, tradesmen and laborers. But they learned how to fight. It took five years, many battles and many hardships, but in the end, the United States of America emerged victorious.
What can we learn from those Colonists that we can use in our own battles? The early Americans believed in themselves, believed in their cause, and did not give up. Oh, they suffered defeats, but they retreated, regrouped, and fought again. They learned from their mistakes, found allies and kept going.
If you’re doing battle with a sociopath—and make no mistake, any interaction is a battle—here are some strategies that will help you:
1. Know your enemy. Be brutally honest in evaluating the sociopath in your life. Remember: The sociopath never loved you. All you ever were to him or her was a source of supply. Once you get over the shock of their soullessness, you’ll begin to see the patterns of their actions. This will enable you to predict what they will do, and plan accordingly.
2. Never underestimate the sociopath. Do not anticipate that the sociopath will act as you, a person capable of love and empathy, would act. The sociopath has no concern for your emotions, your feelings and your welfare. Without empathy or a conscience, the sociopath is capable of doing anything, even the unthinkable, to get what he or she wants, which is to win.
3. Conserve your own resources. You can’t fight if you are sick or injured, so do your best to take care of yourself. Eat right; avoid drugs and alcohol; get enough rest. If you are suffering from anxiety or depression, a good way to relieve them is through exercise. Be gentle with yourself as you recover from trauma.
4. Plan strategically. Figure out what you really want and need, and figure out a way to get them. Never let the sociopath know your plans. If you are living with the person and need to escape, prepare a getaway bag and leave when he or she is not around. If you are going to court, keep careful records and document everything that happens. Keep in mind that you may need to use subterfuge and diversion to execute your plans.
5. Pick your battles. Determine what is really important to you, and what you can let go of. Your life and health are important; you may need to give up on recovering your money, saving your reputation or seeing justice done—at least for the time being. Only take on the battles that are vitally important at the moment.
6. Use overwhelming force. If you do have an opportunity to serve justice, go after the sociopath with everything you’ve got. Do not play nice; do not hold back. The harder you hit, the more likely your chances of success.
7. Seek peace. Remember, the only life you absolutely, positively can influence is your own. Your ultimate objective should be your peace of mind and peace of heart. Achieving it may mean letting go of material goods, people and past traumas. You may need to redefine yourself and how you relate to the world. If you can get to a place of tranquility, you are victorious.
Candy,
Re-jigging?
This is what I would like to write in the journal for Friday concerning his absence at the exchange today.
“The MSA which is an agreement between two parties, with the parties being you and I, states that we are to exchange Jr.
There is no provision for third party exchanges. That being said, we had previously mutually agreed for Jerkette to pick up Jr. from day care, and for her to make a few exchanges when you were working for Direct TV.
On July, 13 you were not at the exchange. As you had made it clear that you were currently off of work, I fully expected you to be there.
For Jr.’s safety, I will no longer give Jr. to anyone but you without prior notice. Any deviation from the agreement must be mutually agreed upon in advance”
FAD,
you know, in these days of ultra-paranoia and tight security when it comes to our kids, it might behoove the school to re-think it’s policy regarding the online calendar. Sure, it’s necessary to keep parents uptodate with schedules, but that can be accomplished in other ways. Logons and passwords could be required, or else emails can be sent out only to the parents.
There are so many lunatics out there that like to attack school children and public access to the school schedule is just another weapon. I don’t imagine you’re the only person at that school with a crazy EX-spath or spath parent. This could be brought up as a suggestion, something to think about.
FAD, you’re doing a good job dealing with the spath. Just try to keep your head on and leave your emotions out of it. A spath is predictable, he does what he does to pull strings on your emotions. You already know he doesn’t care about Jr.
Keep that in mind when planning your strategies: it’s not about anything but messing with your head.
FAD,
Darling I think you are getting it finally! Not that I haven’t pounded your head as flat as Henry’s to get it across! ((((LOL)))) Seriously, you have given him intermittent reward and played into his GAMES, and Candy is right too….and REFRAME the PROBLEM….His or yours? “POOR PLANNING ON HIS PART IS NOT AN EMERGENCY ON YOUR PART”
To him, “keeping score” of hours spent with junior—or in this case, the hours he KEEPS JUNIOR AWAY FROM YOU—which is the point of this game, because he knows it upsets you, or the times he INCONVENIENCES YOU by changing schedule and keeping in a CONSTANT TURMOIL and CHAOS, “he wins”—so STOP IT!
Let him threaten to take you back to court, you said your own lawyer said the judge would be upset by him doing it for such a trivial reason….QUIT PLAYING HIS GAME….don’t engage.
The visitation is for DADDY to see Junior, not for his wife to have custody of junior in preference to Mommy is how I see it too. So STICK TO THE LETTER of the agreement 100%—communicate only through the juornal. ONLY….that will stop the “changes” a lot at the last second too. Either that or get him to agree to My Family Wizard IN PLACE OF THE JOURNAL….so if you stick 100% to the journal, it will DAMPEN HIS TUNE, and maybe he will agree to the wizard.
Good luck, Sugar! (((Hugs))))
Unfortunately here is the latest.
FYI four hour first refusal states that we will offer the other parent to watch Jr. before putting him the care of a 3rd party.
So he is arguing that he should STILL have Jr. everyday once I return to work. BUT he has to go to work at 2pm and I cannot meet Jerkette Until 3:30.
I don’t feel that if he will be working/commuting from 2pm-12am that he should watching a toddler from 6:20 am -2pm.
“I lost two days with Jr. I worked 2 full days (8 hours) I was called in last minute both days. Jerkette was watching Jr. until you got back to me with confirmation you would watch him, and at a time when she was able to bring him to you.
(ON ONE DAY HE INSISTED THAT JR. SLEEP-IN SO THE EXCHANGE WAS MADE AT her CONVENIENCE, ON THE SECOND DAY, i GOT A text AT 7 AM AND DID NOT WAKE, I DID NOT SEE IT UNTIL I WOKE AT 10AM)
…Even though you watched Jr. for 11 hours, Jerkette watched him the rest. Therefore, I am still entitled to two days of make-up time. I do not mind having one make-up day on Friday July 15 6:20 am, but I expect to have another make-up day. If we are going to be this unreasonable and go by hours then I am entitled to at least 16 hours. That means is I take this Friday which would be 9 extra hours, I am still entitled to another 7 hours. Should we count travel time,a half hour to and from work both days which adds 2 more hours for a total of 18 hours missed.
(HE IS LYING. DOES ANYONE CARE: On Friday, Jun 17, 2011 at 7:21 PM: “I just received a call from one of my co-workers. I have to do a ride along tomorrow.” “I wanted to give you the option to watch Jr. while I am at work. I am being picked up for 6am.”)
…We need to agree on another make-up day.
I am not sure if you are aware but since we will be going back to the MSA that means the right to first refusal applies (page 6 paragraph d). Therefore, since I am off while you are working, I am allowed to watch Jr. while you are at work. With that being said I can drop Jr. off to day care at 2pm on Monday, Tuesday, Friday (THIS IS NAP TIME, for Jr and DAY CARE!!!)…(given that I have Wed. Thurs. off). If that doesn’t work for you then like I said before Jerkette can meet you, as she can get out early until I get back on a regular schedule.
(HERE HE SAYS AGAIN THAT HE IS HOPING TO WORK DAYS)
My question is IF he thinks he is going to have Jr. Every day come the fall, WHY (from an unsuspecting eye) would he be so concerned about ME “hogging” time?
PS he was AGAIN, NOT at the exchange this morning.
what IF ANYTHING, can I do?
Take all this shait and go back to court, he is “nickel and diming” you for every HOUR, and he is TWISTING and gaslighting the PURPOSE OF THE THING AT THE EXPENSE OF THE KID AND MAKING TROUBLE AND INCONVENIENCE FOR YOU.
ENOUGH IS ENOUGH if you let him continue to do this and twist things it is only going to get worse in MY HUMBLE OPINION.
It is OBVIOUS he is not wanting the best interest for the kid, he is just trying to get EVERY HOUR of having Junior away from you, and who is to say he i s not PICKING evening working?
SET YOUR FOOT DOWN FAD you have got all those horrible e mails he wrote to you accusing you of this and of that and so on. What have you got to lose at this point?
ps. at this stage in the game, a CHILD needs STABILITY not contanst turmoil.
Get a letter from your therapist about the STAGE that Jr. is in and how much STABILITY is important in a child;s life at that age. NOT CHAOS.
The kid need to know that he will be with daddy X days and Mommy X days….and school X days. Sheesh, FAD, he is a gaslighter delux…..UGH he isn’t even my X and I want to hurt him! LOL
FAD,
This is a really good reason for making the schedule changes only on a SCHEDULED basis. It’s also a great reason for keeping the daycare option open. Keep Jerkette out of it. She will only provide an alibi for him. The daycare center is your best bet. Don’t drop him off with Jerkette, take him to daycare whenever you can.
The entire reason for having the child away from you is to let the “dad” see him. If that isn’t happening because of his schedule, then let the daycare be a 3rd party witness. Tell them to make sure they keep records of who picks him up and drops him off.
FAD, Jerk is addicted to emotions. OK? Think about it. He is an emotion/drama addict. You are still his main supply. Jerkette is secondary. You HAVE to cut off his supply. This is your chance, while Jerkette is still around. The only other option is to give him FAKE emotions. This is no different from any other kind of addiction: alcohol, drugs, sex or whatever. He will do anything to get the addiction fed. You have to decide a strategy for managing his addiction. Try not to let his son be part of it. Addicts are dangerous because nothing is more important than their fix.
Skylar,
He does not see my emotions/reactions.
The only thing he sees is my words on paper.
As long as I keep those in check (with the help of my friends) I don’t understand how I am feeding his supply.
I am sure he is still getting the drama, but I don’t know how to stop that.
He will be angry with my responses no matter how factual they are, and he will be angry if I don’t respond.
So how do I cut off the supply?
FAD, I think you need to get some advice from your therapist and/or attorney on this….he IS getting supply from this simply by keeping things in a turmoil, keeping the CONSTANT fight going about every single hour of Junior’s life.
Unless you give him the child 100% of the time and sign him over, there is going to be a battle…and I think at this point, you are going to have to get some EXPERT ON SCENE advice from the therapist and the attorney,, and possibly go back to court, to at least get some PEACE. (((hugs))) and My prayers always.
Girls,
Am I being crazy? am I expecting too much?
According to my attorney there is no reason why Jerkette cannot make ALL of the exchanges. Which is stupid because just last month my attorney said Jr. is his responsibility and he should be there for at least one exchange (pick up or drop off).
Should I just ask that he inform me of who will be meeting me for accountability? Or should I give him NOTHING?