Today, July 4th, is Independence Day in the United States of America. On this day 235 years ago, the country’s forefathers declared independence from the tyranny of a distant king. Today, let us all declare independence from the tyranny of sociopaths.
Declaring independence, of course, is only the beginning of the struggle. In 1776, the tyrant did not want to lose a prized possession—the Colonies—and retaliated by sending an army. The Colonists who believed in independence had no choice but to fight, even though most had little experience—they were farmers, tradesmen and laborers. But they learned how to fight. It took five years, many battles and many hardships, but in the end, the United States of America emerged victorious.
What can we learn from those Colonists that we can use in our own battles? The early Americans believed in themselves, believed in their cause, and did not give up. Oh, they suffered defeats, but they retreated, regrouped, and fought again. They learned from their mistakes, found allies and kept going.
If you’re doing battle with a sociopath—and make no mistake, any interaction is a battle—here are some strategies that will help you:
1. Know your enemy. Be brutally honest in evaluating the sociopath in your life. Remember: The sociopath never loved you. All you ever were to him or her was a source of supply. Once you get over the shock of their soullessness, you’ll begin to see the patterns of their actions. This will enable you to predict what they will do, and plan accordingly.
2. Never underestimate the sociopath. Do not anticipate that the sociopath will act as you, a person capable of love and empathy, would act. The sociopath has no concern for your emotions, your feelings and your welfare. Without empathy or a conscience, the sociopath is capable of doing anything, even the unthinkable, to get what he or she wants, which is to win.
3. Conserve your own resources. You can’t fight if you are sick or injured, so do your best to take care of yourself. Eat right; avoid drugs and alcohol; get enough rest. If you are suffering from anxiety or depression, a good way to relieve them is through exercise. Be gentle with yourself as you recover from trauma.
4. Plan strategically. Figure out what you really want and need, and figure out a way to get them. Never let the sociopath know your plans. If you are living with the person and need to escape, prepare a getaway bag and leave when he or she is not around. If you are going to court, keep careful records and document everything that happens. Keep in mind that you may need to use subterfuge and diversion to execute your plans.
5. Pick your battles. Determine what is really important to you, and what you can let go of. Your life and health are important; you may need to give up on recovering your money, saving your reputation or seeing justice done—at least for the time being. Only take on the battles that are vitally important at the moment.
6. Use overwhelming force. If you do have an opportunity to serve justice, go after the sociopath with everything you’ve got. Do not play nice; do not hold back. The harder you hit, the more likely your chances of success.
7. Seek peace. Remember, the only life you absolutely, positively can influence is your own. Your ultimate objective should be your peace of mind and peace of heart. Achieving it may mean letting go of material goods, people and past traumas. You may need to redefine yourself and how you relate to the world. If you can get to a place of tranquility, you are victorious.
FAD,
He has jerked you around, keep the chaos going,, so you never know from one day to the next when or where or who is going to pickup Junior, and he has “nickeled and dimed” you to death over the DETAILS of the agreement. No matter how clear the agreement is, he is going to PUSH THE LIMITS and keep the DRAMA going.
You have been doing a good job….you have been more than reasonable. HE IS NEVER GOING TO BE REASONABLE.
Since Jerkette is the “step mother” AND THE “WIFE” your lawyer is probably right and YOU will LOOK unreasonable if you object to her picking him up or dropping him off, like you are the “woman scorned”—-and the thing is, that Jerface KNOWS or at least figures it irritates you which is WHY HE DOES IT.
He is trying to push the line and keep things STIRRED UP…
I still suggest that you contact your THERAPIST and talk to HER and then talk to the attorney again.
AND NO, YOU ARE NOT BEING CRAZY….he is irritating the carp out of you. I would be homicidal by now, so you are doing fine, it is just that somehow there needs to be a STOP put to his manuvering….hang on. Talk to your therapist and then the lawyer. (((Hugs))))
I AM ONE KEYSTROKE AWAY FROM BREAKING NC AND TELLING IT TO GO STRAIGHT TO HELL. …
I have been thinking about it all morning…
I mean, pulling an “IT” and just popping in to say:
“Hey, remember me? I am the one you tried to kill!”
Just to let “IT” know I haven’t forgotten about it…
Wouldn’t want him thinking he is going to walk away or nothing, this time. It’s only a matter of time now before “IT” will have to pay the piper for it’s misdeeds….
I need to get busy into something right now to keep my mind and my HATE off of it. I hate it so much right now…so much.
I am happy “IT” doesn’t live around me or in the same city. It has been NIGHTMARE enough over all this.
I have to get busy or I am going to blow a gasket and just tell “IT” everything I am feeling right now. Need to get away and get busy doing something other than this…
*HUGS & BLESSINGS YOU GUYS & DOLLS*
Dupedster
I am pissed right now about this 4 hour first refusal.
At first he says he is fine with Jr being in day care 2 days a week, the when I tell him the addendum says he is to go back to day care full time, he says the agreement states he can have Jr. every day due to first refusal.
Has any one here dealt with this? I could really use some advice on what angle I need to take in the court room.
You guys have seen just about all I am going through.
Dupedster,
Rant and rave here! Tell US everything you would like to tell “it”.
Wow! I wish I were you right now. I HAVE To contact Jerkface, and as you can see it does me and Jr. no good.
Start NOW, by either counting your blessings, all the good things in your life. or by writing here…RANTING AND RAVING!
Blessings, and prayers for your strength.
FAD
DUPED:
Yes, contact US, not IT!!!! Please don’t do it!!! It will only give him satisfaction!!!! I am MAD also right now; not having a good day. Just thinking about everything again.
By the way, I did have a few questions for you regarding your IT (this will keep you busy). Is he married again or just living with the OW? If so, what happened to the wife he was married to?
STAY STRONG!
DUPED:
Or is he still married and also has another OW??
FAD: I am so sorry you have to be going through this. I am very fortunate me and my x sp did not have that child together I lost. SOOOOOOOOOOO grateful! THAT would have been a truer nightmare than what I am experiencing right now.
I conceived a ‘change of life’ child almost four and a half years ago now. I made it to month four and lost the child. It embedded itself into my fallopian tubes to get away from something “IT” gave me.
All the whole time, I was begging him to come and be with me and he kept saying he couldn’t because he didn’t know what to tell his wife. I told him to tell her the truth. I told him that we were just going to lose this child and he would never get to even see it. He never has been there for me; not in the normal sense. He has been nothing but a tyrant to me the whole entire time and my stupidity and love for him allowed him to just dig right in and tear my world up. Then he nonchalantly throws it all in my face; declares I am a liar; meet the new OW and the others that got thrown in my face along the way….
If he were to walk up to my door this very moment, GOD HELP HIM. I am in NO MOOD to see that disgusting vile face at this moment nor EVER AGAIN.
I hope it has all kinds of nightmares. Endless nightmares.
But I know it isn’t. It is just too busy with new victims on the internet to worry about past evilness…gotta find some more some where.
I am sorry FAD; you hang in there.
I think you are doing amazing! Junior is fortunate to have such an amazing MOM! You stand true to yourself and that which is good for your child, Lady, and you will come out just fine.
Don’t be intimidated and don’t play those games. You know the one’s I mean: the head games. If you just set it all straight and refuse to participate with “IT” outside attorneys or court of law, it can’t hurt you anymore. Have you tried the exchange through a third, disinterested party? Say a grandmother; social worker? Someone like that?
I would ask the court to set down specific visitation schedules because it is upsetting the parenting that is being done and specific arrangements are necessary to ensure that this parenting is not interrupted. ie: school nights; etc. I would hold absolutely TRUE to what the court sets down.
While you are being EXCEPTIONAL kind by realizing that “IT” is Jr.’s father, you must also realize what you have to protect Jr. from. Is it always the right thing to do?–Encourage the child to a parent when we already know that parent is not good for the child? Even though our conscious tells us YES; we have to look a little deeper…is it really?
Before I ended my one and only marriage, of which produced four magnificent human beings….I was hit with the realization that even though I attempted to keep the marriage together not to upset the children and their childhood, that by doing so, by not ending it and setting down those specifics, which the children saw themselves, MY DOING THAT, it was not only a reinforcement for them, but…think about this really hard….
If we are upset and our psyche is damaged and we are ruminating and acting all ‘gaslighted out’…are we doing the children any good? We are all they have. We have to keep it together for our kids. The only one’s who TRULY love us.
In essence, I wasn’t really doing the kids any good by keeping the marriage together seeing that I was so miserable all the time. So, I took the children, moved away and filed for divorce. The kids hated me for a long time and I never bad mouthed their father; instead, I always told them: “Be nice to your Father, he is the only one you are ever going to have.” And I kept all the ‘bad mouthing’ to myself. I figured they would eventually grow up and find things out for themselves and they did. In a gentler way than disrupting the father/child relationship at a crucial time. I came from a family dysfunctional and I made up my mind at an early age I would NEVER treat my children the way I was treated. Too much drama; too much chaos…as soon as I could, I left my entire family behind and started a life over. It has ALWAYS been about me and my children.
I specifically PLANNED the way I would be and how I would raise my children and that is exactly the way it came out. And, I refused ANYONE from upsetting my apple cart. MOM’S KNOW BEST. Mother’s ALWAYS love their children. Always and never wants to see them go wrong or hurt in life, no matter HOW the child may be or turn out.
I count my Blessings every day that I am still alive, FAD.
In more ways than one…on the outside; I think on the inside, I died during my two heart surgeries.
There are wicked, evil, vile, cruel, demonic people walking among us. It is the people of which we are all speaking.
We must learn to recognize them and find a way to healing ourselves. I can’t help but think that we should opt for the side of ‘just’ and ‘right’ since we clamor for that justification we should also give it out.
To take these bad things, turn them around, and make them good and always, always, error on the side of rightfulness and that which is honorable and virtuous. If we think about things like that, it leaves no question; doesn’t it?
I will light a candle and pray for you this evening, FAD.
Take a deep breath and remember you are a special and amazing person – you are “MOM”. xxoo
((louise)) I didn’t know he was married for four years of the nine I knew him. Our romance was amazing! He was in the military and we always, almost 24/7, was in touch with one another…
He kept it a secret from me he was married until he had me hooked. Well, I got pregnant and away he went…still in touch 24/7…he was mean and wicked to his wife and she threw him out and divorced him. He beat her terribly before he was made to leave. After that, since “I” don’t/haven’t tolerated his crap, he just floated and has always been floating, really, from woman to woman, off the internet, using his charm.
His x wife swears she was duped. I have a tendency to believe every word that comes from her lips. I feel sorry for her too.
They aren’t married anymore. I dumped him the day before his divorce was final. I have had enough. He began throwing the OW in my face, telling me how “I” had to learn to get along with “IT#2” since she was the one he has always wanted. Imagine that. And, I had just come home from the hospital after having a major, major, heart attack, where I almost died. But, you see, the heart attack happened when I finally realized that my so called ‘best friend’ actually tried to kill me on purpose and laughed about it. Yah, that’s some real friend, I’ll tell ya!
NOW he is manipulating the silence and playing his evil mind games even though I have not heard from him since beginning of last month. What “IT” doesn’t realize is that I TRULY DO NOT CARE ANYMORE. I am caring ABOUT MYSELF and NOT IT by trying to make sense out of this with my emotions. “IT” has not heard a peep out of me for almost 3 months now. Not a peep, although “IT” has intruded several times.
He HAD a wife and SEVEN other women (that I eventually found out about) and they were all ‘older’; well to do…
He never took anything from me except my sanity and almost my life. I don’t think money is always an issue but I definitely was jilted after a 9 year friendship, for someone he met on the internet, someone naieve and vulnerable. Someone just like him, actually, maybe even a little worse, according to “IT”…
Someone was a big part of “IT” trying to kill me while OW laughed and laughed and laughed at me and said I was crazy and ‘how dare I’ and he admitted he didn’t even know her name for the first six months he was having sex with her. As far as I know, “IT#2” is married too.
Just a horrible situation; one that the x wife and I are completely out of. We are ‘acquaintances’ and only wish well for one another. We both have pretty much agreed that “IT” is a very ill person. A VIOLENT ill person. Like one of those people you see ‘go off’ on the news, every so often. We are BOTH under protective orders. Him, nor any part of his roadshow are allowed anywhere around her or myself.
He blames ME for everything. Imagine that. I never, not one time, interfered in their marriage because I never ‘wanted’ him that way to begin with. He just kind of intruded himself into my world, my life and my heart, after a while. It was all true manipulation. Once he found out I wasn’t as filthy rich as some of the babes on the internet who he could seduce and mooch off of, I was thrown away into the recycle bin and pretty much abruptly told so.
HIS GOOSE IS COOKED WITH ME.
HIM and “IT#2”. THEY TRIED TO PURPOSELY HARM ME.
FOR NO REASON, I TELL YOU, OTHER THAN “IT#2’s” jealousy and “IT#1’s” BETRAYAL IN THE FIRST PLACE.
I haven’t broken contact yet. Got real close though. 🙂
I would LOVE to break contact, right over IT’S HEAD!!!!!!!
Duped
Duped,
I’m so glad you didn’t contact IT! It would just give him something more to gloat about, knowing he is getting to you. You are strong enought not to contact him.
LOL-break contact over it’s head…GOOD ONE!
Very touching, Duped.
Gotta run out now, but I feel really blessed right now, and I am going to re-read when I get home.
FAD