Today, July 4th, is Independence Day in the United States of America. On this day 235 years ago, the country’s forefathers declared independence from the tyranny of a distant king. Today, let us all declare independence from the tyranny of sociopaths.
Declaring independence, of course, is only the beginning of the struggle. In 1776, the tyrant did not want to lose a prized possession—the Colonies—and retaliated by sending an army. The Colonists who believed in independence had no choice but to fight, even though most had little experience—they were farmers, tradesmen and laborers. But they learned how to fight. It took five years, many battles and many hardships, but in the end, the United States of America emerged victorious.
What can we learn from those Colonists that we can use in our own battles? The early Americans believed in themselves, believed in their cause, and did not give up. Oh, they suffered defeats, but they retreated, regrouped, and fought again. They learned from their mistakes, found allies and kept going.
If you’re doing battle with a sociopath—and make no mistake, any interaction is a battle—here are some strategies that will help you:
1. Know your enemy. Be brutally honest in evaluating the sociopath in your life. Remember: The sociopath never loved you. All you ever were to him or her was a source of supply. Once you get over the shock of their soullessness, you’ll begin to see the patterns of their actions. This will enable you to predict what they will do, and plan accordingly.
2. Never underestimate the sociopath. Do not anticipate that the sociopath will act as you, a person capable of love and empathy, would act. The sociopath has no concern for your emotions, your feelings and your welfare. Without empathy or a conscience, the sociopath is capable of doing anything, even the unthinkable, to get what he or she wants, which is to win.
3. Conserve your own resources. You can’t fight if you are sick or injured, so do your best to take care of yourself. Eat right; avoid drugs and alcohol; get enough rest. If you are suffering from anxiety or depression, a good way to relieve them is through exercise. Be gentle with yourself as you recover from trauma.
4. Plan strategically. Figure out what you really want and need, and figure out a way to get them. Never let the sociopath know your plans. If you are living with the person and need to escape, prepare a getaway bag and leave when he or she is not around. If you are going to court, keep careful records and document everything that happens. Keep in mind that you may need to use subterfuge and diversion to execute your plans.
5. Pick your battles. Determine what is really important to you, and what you can let go of. Your life and health are important; you may need to give up on recovering your money, saving your reputation or seeing justice done—at least for the time being. Only take on the battles that are vitally important at the moment.
6. Use overwhelming force. If you do have an opportunity to serve justice, go after the sociopath with everything you’ve got. Do not play nice; do not hold back. The harder you hit, the more likely your chances of success.
7. Seek peace. Remember, the only life you absolutely, positively can influence is your own. Your ultimate objective should be your peace of mind and peace of heart. Achieving it may mean letting go of material goods, people and past traumas. You may need to redefine yourself and how you relate to the world. If you can get to a place of tranquility, you are victorious.
FAD – there’s only one thing for it, you and jr might consider………EMIGRATING!!
Until you make a stand he will keep jerking you around with his I want this/that.
Make a decision and STICK with it. And stick 2 fingers up to what he wants.
The only TWO people that concern you are YOU and JUNIOR (right?)
DUPED:
What a B*STARD. He really was a cruel devil. So this OW is married, too? And he didn’t even know her name the first six months??? Unbelievable!! Well, thank God his wife divorced him…he absolutely deserved that, but then blamed you!! That’s classic!! UGGHH. I am learning more and more on here. This blog helps me so much.
Thanks, Duped for telling your story. You help a lot of people here. Hugs to you.
I would truly be grateful to those of you who pray, or light a candle for me, specifically regarding Jerkface possibly becoming day care in the fall. That he would get his job switched to days, instead of nights.
Thanks.
FAD
Right now, my attorney says the best I can do is tell him I want Jr, in day care two days/wk. and why and see what happens.
FAD:
I will pray about this for you and Jr. Blessings.
Louise: the things I have shared with you are only the tip of the iceberg. There are lots of things I have buried away and can’t get to right yet, inside me. Horrible, terrible, things. Things I haven’t even told my psychologist. Things I wonder if I will ever be able to rectify inside myself. I have been trying to learn how to process all of this differently. That is what my EMDR therapy is for. It has helped me a lot but there are things about my relationship with “IT” that I just can’t bring myself to look at. Ugly, vile things.
It is enough for me to know that him and this OW purposely tried to kill me. That is enough for me. So much for all the grandoise attributes “IT” had. Right down the drain.
I was lead on and lead on and lead on…FOR YEARS and each time I saw it, it sucked me in deeper and deeper. The more I became close with it, the more ammunition it had to use against me, inside. It almost ate me alive and I am not joking or dramatizing.
Funny you should use that word…I remember all the time, calling “IT” that! When it laughed at me and said things like:
“Why would I want an ugly old, broken down woman like you when I could have OW and she has a young body?” That’s just a little ‘teaser’ for you.
I have always lived alone, the past almost 12 years and I like it that way. Being I was my own person before “IT” came along, I had my own life all set up, dependent upon NO ONE for ANY THING AT ANY TIME, knowing there is always chaotic interactions when dealing with people’s egos and personalities.
So, I think that saved ME a lot, where the poor wife: she got all the physical abuse and I took all the emotional/mental. We were like TAG TEAM DUPEDSTERS. Get it?
Then, when “IT” started to lose control of things, suddenly “I” became the bad guy. Oh yes, “ITS” wife and I are very good friends, having met, by phone, shortly after her BEATING, which “IT” says was MY FAULT even though thousands of miles away and considering the fact that I had never intruded in their marriage, even after I found out. Her and I have a lot in common and tell one another ‘love ya’ all the time. He HATES it that her and I are friends. Isn’t that just too bad?
He almost destroyed HER too.
No; there is no excuse for the things that have happened.
Absolutely none. Not when someone says: ‘i love you’; they don’t try to kill you and beat you and push you in the grave, laughing. I mean, seriously, LAUGHING, thinking the whole time I am discussing all these horrid things, with “IT”, it was laughing.
THAT is an eye opener of all eye openers, folks.
That and what you are told about how “IT” will kill you in vivid detail. Yes, chilling, exasperating, confusing, all of it….
I don’t have time for this in my life anymore.
I have a few years left, , and I want to make them count for something. I have spent my whole life ‘loving others’…it’s time for me to love myself for a while. Can’t I have just a little of it for myself? That isn’t selfish, is it? Does that make me a sociopath because I WANT SOME OF THIS JUST FOR ME. I want what’s left just to be all mine. I want to find that peace before I go. I explained all this to “IT” at our last meeting and it told me to just die.
So, there ya go folks.
End of story.
Yah, I had to get my head bashed in to learn that I was believing in an out and out deceitful, vile, evil person who didn’t deserve my devotion, my loyalty and my faithfulness. I accepted way less than I deserve because I loved “IT” so much. He told me all the things I wanted to hear….every one of them. And the whole time “IT” was laughing me and mocking me. Every pain I tried to share with “IT” was entertainment for “IT”. “IT” made all this happen to “IT”S” life yet takes no responsibility for none of it. It is everyone elses fault. Oh sure, if “IT” is in a bind or a pinch, “IT” will say “I am sorry; I didn’t know; I am a sick person; and on and on” but for “IT” to actually grab a hold of “ITS” life and put some direction and purpose to it; even a little social graces would be acceptable, but NO: no effort. At all.
Some people can’t be saved and we have to cast them away.
If we don’t, they will drown us in the undertow; take us down with them. Believe it. I know this is true. The ‘love’ was a lie. Everything with them is a lie. I can’t believe I allowed myself to get pulled into this nightmare of “IT”S”. It is NOT MY NIGHTMARE; IT BELONGS TO “IT”. I stopped being the ‘cleaner’ a long time ago. I stopped being part of the web and the angulation of relationships a long time ago. They don’t like it when you leave the fold.
Good word, Louise. I recall saying it before and you are absolutely correct and it doesn’t really deserve such nice-ities.
Thank you for being here, holding MY hand.
I couldn’t get through this without you all.
DUPEDSTER
July 4, 2011 is the day I left my spath. It took me over a year and a half to leave. Now I’m in between legally waging war against him and preserving what’s left of my sanity. Even though I’m doing everything right, (order of protection, documentation, no contact, new phone number, burned/ threw out everything) I still feel so weak. It seems like even if I’m doing all the right things, I still can’t find a way to get rid of my anxiety.
I’m new to LoveFraud and I’m seriously so grateful that this website exists. I felt like I was going crazy, I felt like it was me. Day ten of no contact and he still calls my work and house every day. I just want him to disappear.
Dear Survivor! Congratulations on leaving him! It will get better, though it is a rocky road, I am not going to lie to you…..but you have the OOP, and have done the right things, starting with getting away from him.
Turn him in for violating the order if he keeps on calling….do what you have to do to keep yourself safe.
Your emotions will go up and down for a while (a long while maybe) but you will get off the roller coaster a stronger and better person for it…KNOWLEDGE=POWER so keep on reading and learning, go back through the archives here and read the articles about learning about them, about learning about and healing ourselves.
Keep on increasing your power, and your knowledge. You can do it, and there is great support here for you as well! (((hugs))) and God bless.
Just thought I would share this with you.
Jerkface is asking for MORE and MORE (wha wha wha) time with Jr. AND accusing me of keeping him from his son.
Just how unfair is it REALLY? Here are the facts, cold hard facts; numbers…Einstein would be proud.
Time with Jr:
June 2011…
FAD: 16 days (53%)
JF: 14 days (47%)
July 2011…(from what I can tell, as I don’t have a crystal ball)
FAD: 17 days (55%)
JF: 14 days (45%)
Wow! He’s right, as the primary parent, I should be giving HIM all the time with our son.
I know decent men (see non S/P) who don’t get this much time with their kids.
Oxy, can I borrow your skillet?
LOL
FAD
Watch out FAD: asking Ox for the skillet; hehehehehehe —-
I think she likes using it! xxoo Good Morning folks…
I was just here reading …
Yes, Louise: my x sp is a demon. The story I shared is just the very TIP of the iceberg…trust me. There is LOTS more in there some where. I am hoping that if I learn how to process differently, this nightmare will just go away.
I have a counseling session, later this afternoon, in which we use EMDR therapy along with hypnotherapy. Haven’t had a session for a few months now. I suppose it’s good considering my heart condition. Kind of difficult “meeting nightmares head on” when you have a bad ticker in the first place, so we decided to wait a little while, until I was stronger – today is the day.
Nobody knows, still, , all of the horrid things that has happened. Some people know ‘most’ but not ‘all’. I suppose this last week has been so purely difficult for me because I have really poured my emotional self INTO RESOLVING these personal conflicts inside, while still trying to maintain the ‘business and practical side’ of my life. I am sure STARGAZER: as busy as you are, you know exactly what I am saying….
Most times ‘avoidance behaviors’ work fine for me, when I employ them. I think I spend, probably, the good part of my day, just meditating, analyzing, re-living…it’s horrid and I want it to cease.
I am trying really hard to bury this whole nightmare somewhere that it won’t ever come back any more. I just am not going to have this upset in my life.
YES ANA: Thank you for your support!
IT WOULD only gloat some more. You are right….
IT is NEVER getting that privilege again. “IT” will be lucky to escape going to jail. I am not making that happen: IT IS!!!!
What? I am suppose to just lay down and die for IT?
Just give up and cave in to the horrid things it wishes me?
I DONT THINK SO.
I am standing up and saying: “NO MORE”.
No more manipulation; no more mind games; no more vile and disrespectful words…just nothing….FLAT LINED.
And I do seriously mean that. I do not wish to smash him, the way he has me, because I do not believe that is good for the universe to harbor such attitudes; I always try to fight off those hateful thoughts and notions; BUT: I DO intend to stick up for myself and I believe that is the point. Isn’t it? Sticking up for ourselves and saying: “NO MORE”. The IT’s of our universe have a hard/difficult time with that…don’t they?
I hope it reaps exactly what it has sewn.
FAD: You are going to be okay. I will remember you in my thoughts and prayers and you are such a good “mom”…
Your justification is making sure your child grows up well and happy and loved….
I hope you will have a good weekend.
I know “I” sure am going to try to.
Wish me luck y’all at the counselor today?
I never know how these EMDR sessions are going to effect me, afterwards. I know I just woke up a little while ago and I am exhausted already and I haven’t even gotten to the afternoon yet.
TGIF! 😉
*BLESSINGS*
DUPED
Duped,
My therapist use EMDR also. I do believe it works.
Most of all it works on those bad, past experiences, and I do feel stronger and more confident from the sessions.
Unfortunately, because Jerkface continues to wage war with me, my therapist has admitted that it will be difficult to completely heal.
Sheesh, after this week’s shenanigans my therapist says, “would you like to come more often?” Which I took to mean, “You should come more often.”
Now I will have EMDR weekly.
Blessings to all.
I actually have a date on Lake George this afternoon 🙂 and it’s beautiful.
FAD