Today, July 4th, is Independence Day in the United States of America. On this day 235 years ago, the country’s forefathers declared independence from the tyranny of a distant king. Today, let us all declare independence from the tyranny of sociopaths.
Declaring independence, of course, is only the beginning of the struggle. In 1776, the tyrant did not want to lose a prized possession—the Colonies—and retaliated by sending an army. The Colonists who believed in independence had no choice but to fight, even though most had little experience—they were farmers, tradesmen and laborers. But they learned how to fight. It took five years, many battles and many hardships, but in the end, the United States of America emerged victorious.
What can we learn from those Colonists that we can use in our own battles? The early Americans believed in themselves, believed in their cause, and did not give up. Oh, they suffered defeats, but they retreated, regrouped, and fought again. They learned from their mistakes, found allies and kept going.
If you’re doing battle with a sociopath—and make no mistake, any interaction is a battle—here are some strategies that will help you:
1. Know your enemy. Be brutally honest in evaluating the sociopath in your life. Remember: The sociopath never loved you. All you ever were to him or her was a source of supply. Once you get over the shock of their soullessness, you’ll begin to see the patterns of their actions. This will enable you to predict what they will do, and plan accordingly.
2. Never underestimate the sociopath. Do not anticipate that the sociopath will act as you, a person capable of love and empathy, would act. The sociopath has no concern for your emotions, your feelings and your welfare. Without empathy or a conscience, the sociopath is capable of doing anything, even the unthinkable, to get what he or she wants, which is to win.
3. Conserve your own resources. You can’t fight if you are sick or injured, so do your best to take care of yourself. Eat right; avoid drugs and alcohol; get enough rest. If you are suffering from anxiety or depression, a good way to relieve them is through exercise. Be gentle with yourself as you recover from trauma.
4. Plan strategically. Figure out what you really want and need, and figure out a way to get them. Never let the sociopath know your plans. If you are living with the person and need to escape, prepare a getaway bag and leave when he or she is not around. If you are going to court, keep careful records and document everything that happens. Keep in mind that you may need to use subterfuge and diversion to execute your plans.
5. Pick your battles. Determine what is really important to you, and what you can let go of. Your life and health are important; you may need to give up on recovering your money, saving your reputation or seeing justice done—at least for the time being. Only take on the battles that are vitally important at the moment.
6. Use overwhelming force. If you do have an opportunity to serve justice, go after the sociopath with everything you’ve got. Do not play nice; do not hold back. The harder you hit, the more likely your chances of success.
7. Seek peace. Remember, the only life you absolutely, positively can influence is your own. Your ultimate objective should be your peace of mind and peace of heart. Achieving it may mean letting go of material goods, people and past traumas. You may need to redefine yourself and how you relate to the world. If you can get to a place of tranquility, you are victorious.
Ox Drover
Dear FAD,
Get all the therapy you can—you have got a lot to deal with, and it is probably going to be a continuing thing until he gets another “hobby.” Hopefully he and Jerkette will have triplets SOON and his time will be more taken up with them. LOL
Have fun on your date! Hee hee Though Jerkface is married again, I can’t imagine what is going to happen when you start seeing someone and then get remarried. He is going to be so JEALOUS….and that may be part of the problem is that he is going to be outraged at you “belonging” to someone else.
No, you cannot have the skillet cause you’d THROW IT AT HIM! You don’t need a deadly weapon in your hands right now!@ LOL (((Hugs)))
Back_from_the_edge
FAD: EMDR is strange; is it not? I don’t know how it works but it does. I am simply amazed. I wonder if it works for everyone?
I think I am going to ask today and find out. It amazes me.
Oh yes, therapy is absolutely essential during these difficult times. It is the one true lifeline we can cling to. I am and have been very blessed with such wonderful counselors. I have two. A primary and I think I told you all, I am a case study and have been for about the past 5 months. I am blessed to have two wonderful counselors helping me through this on this side of LF. 😉
hahaha: thanks Ox for not letting FAD have the skillet! zeesh!
didn’t want to have to duck! *quack quack* 🙂
*HUGS YOU GUYS*
*motivation time………………..
Until later –
Dupedster
Louise
DUPEDSTER:
I have heard about EMDR for a long time and wonder if it would help me. How does it work? Do you have time to explain it?
Ox Drover
Louise, google it and read about it….I am not sure HOW it works either (and I am a retired professional) but I had it and it DOES work for me….it got the emotions separated from the visions of the aircraft crash (7 years ago yesterdaY) that killed my husband, and I can still “see the visions” but they do not haunt me, the emotions are no longer connected to them.
The closest thing I can describe is that it is like a movie, the first time you saw it and were into it, your heart raced and you felt the EMOTIONS that went with the exciting movie, but if you are telling me about it or remembering the movie, the EMOTIONS are not there even though you can recall the pictures.
Louise
Oxy:
Ahhh, that is so what I would want to accomplish. It’s almost like erasing the memories from your mind in a way or I guess not the memories, but the emotions. I need that!!!
Thank you so much for explaining it in an easy to understand way! x
Ox Drover
Dear Louise,
You are MOST WELCOME, my dear!
skylar
Louise,
my hypnotherapist taught it to me.
I’m either not very good at it or it didn’t work for me. It involves a lot of tapping on accupuncture meridian lines while you think about the stressful events but also adding new “programming”.
Back_from_the_edge
Hi Louise and Ox:
Just got back from an EMDR session. As I was explained, earlier today, there is a bridge between the left and the right side of the brain. One side of the brain deals with emotions and the other our functionality. During EMDR, we pull up dreadful thoughts and explore them but only briefly. Like Ox said: it’s like running through a movie: replaying it. The whole time you are holding little paddles in your hands, emitting vibrations. When the vibrations stop, I open my eyes, take a deep breath and talk about the first thing that comes to mind. The little electrical charges wake up that chemical bridge between the two sides of the brain and helps put a perspective on the emotions.
Just a way of ‘rechanneling’- reprocessing. It goes rather quickly too. For a long time, people didn’t believe in PTSD nor in EMDR therapy. It has just been approved for use for veteran’s that are coming out of combat scenarios. THANK GOODNESS!
It’s amazing to me how it works but it truly does work for me. Where nothing ever really has.
I learned something today too: that when we are recalling a specific traumatic event, if we don’t languish in it and try to make sense out of it because there is no sense to it in the first place, instead of rationalizing with that thought, take a moment to stop and consider WHY you are recalling that thought. Turn away from that thought and focus on something or somewhere more pleasant. If you keep training yourself to do that, it truly does help.
I believe that with some practice and more education, we can beat that “emotional” demon that is eating us up. My PTSD isn’t just from “IT”…years of public service. Sometimes horrible things. Unspeakable things. It wasn’t all from “IT”. “IT” was just the ‘trigger’.
It’s hard to find a psychiatrist/counselor that uses EMDR but when you find one: KEEP HIM OR HER! They know what they are talking about.
Hope this helps too. I have never regretted my EMDR therapy. Nor my hypnotherapy. hahaha: I keep trying to talk my counselor into hypnotizing me to forget about “IT” but she won’t do it. hahahahahahaha
She absolutely despises the man and refuses to discuss him with me, at anytime for any reason.
She said that even the mention of him sucks the air out of the room and that if we stay on track with our EMDR, he is going to automatically become a thing of the past. I will have ‘bigger fish’ to fry. 🙂
“GROUNDING” is what it is called. Once we are ‘grounded’, we can begin to make sense out of our difficultities.
*BLESSINGS*
DUPEDSTER
Louise
skylar:
Sorry to hear EMDR didn’t work for you 🙁
Ox Drover
Dear Dupedster,
That was a pretty good description of how EMDR “feels” and It sure worked for me as well…..
I realize now that I had PTSD years ago from my P-sperm donor, but had no idea what the heck was going on….it sort of, over the decades, “got better” but there were still some layers underneath the “onion skin”—-with the PTSD from the aircraft crash and my husband’s death 7 years ago yesterday….and from the EMDR, I can view all those things again, but without attached “emotions”—-or pain, or my stomach or throat tightening up and choking me…it is almost like “magic” and I really don’t CARE how it works even if it is “placebo effect”–if it works, WONDERFUL! LOL
The young man who was the worst of the burn victims in the plane who survived (he was 16 at the time) 23 now, came by yesterday, which he always does on the anniversary of the crash and spent the afternoon with me….and we had a nice afternoon. He has finished college and has his commercial aviation license, multi-engine rating and 500+ hours of air time, but unfortunately due to the economy right now he is unable to get a full time job in aviation, but he flies some and works as a deputy sheriff full time. As well as I can tell, he seems to be doing pretty well and living a full life as well as or better than can be expected.