Today, July 4th, is Independence Day in the United States of America. On this day 235 years ago, the country’s forefathers declared independence from the tyranny of a distant king. Today, let us all declare independence from the tyranny of sociopaths.
Declaring independence, of course, is only the beginning of the struggle. In 1776, the tyrant did not want to lose a prized possession—the Colonies—and retaliated by sending an army. The Colonists who believed in independence had no choice but to fight, even though most had little experience—they were farmers, tradesmen and laborers. But they learned how to fight. It took five years, many battles and many hardships, but in the end, the United States of America emerged victorious.
What can we learn from those Colonists that we can use in our own battles? The early Americans believed in themselves, believed in their cause, and did not give up. Oh, they suffered defeats, but they retreated, regrouped, and fought again. They learned from their mistakes, found allies and kept going.
If you’re doing battle with a sociopath—and make no mistake, any interaction is a battle—here are some strategies that will help you:
1. Know your enemy. Be brutally honest in evaluating the sociopath in your life. Remember: The sociopath never loved you. All you ever were to him or her was a source of supply. Once you get over the shock of their soullessness, you’ll begin to see the patterns of their actions. This will enable you to predict what they will do, and plan accordingly.
2. Never underestimate the sociopath. Do not anticipate that the sociopath will act as you, a person capable of love and empathy, would act. The sociopath has no concern for your emotions, your feelings and your welfare. Without empathy or a conscience, the sociopath is capable of doing anything, even the unthinkable, to get what he or she wants, which is to win.
3. Conserve your own resources. You can’t fight if you are sick or injured, so do your best to take care of yourself. Eat right; avoid drugs and alcohol; get enough rest. If you are suffering from anxiety or depression, a good way to relieve them is through exercise. Be gentle with yourself as you recover from trauma.
4. Plan strategically. Figure out what you really want and need, and figure out a way to get them. Never let the sociopath know your plans. If you are living with the person and need to escape, prepare a getaway bag and leave when he or she is not around. If you are going to court, keep careful records and document everything that happens. Keep in mind that you may need to use subterfuge and diversion to execute your plans.
5. Pick your battles. Determine what is really important to you, and what you can let go of. Your life and health are important; you may need to give up on recovering your money, saving your reputation or seeing justice done—at least for the time being. Only take on the battles that are vitally important at the moment.
6. Use overwhelming force. If you do have an opportunity to serve justice, go after the sociopath with everything you’ve got. Do not play nice; do not hold back. The harder you hit, the more likely your chances of success.
7. Seek peace. Remember, the only life you absolutely, positively can influence is your own. Your ultimate objective should be your peace of mind and peace of heart. Achieving it may mean letting go of material goods, people and past traumas. You may need to redefine yourself and how you relate to the world. If you can get to a place of tranquility, you are victorious.
Here we go again.
After jerkface tells me he will be working weekends on the new job, which started yesterday, he now tells me he will have weekends off. I understand he needs training, but he doesn’t tell me how long it will last and I just know he will be changing the schedule again to mess with my potential plans.
Here is a summary of the schedule changes since June:
On Sunday, Jun 12, 2011 at 8:13 PM: “I recently was offered a job, and it will start on Tuesday June 14, 2011.” And, “We will be going back to the schedule of every Wednesday overnight, every other Thursday overnight, and every other weekend.”
On Thursday, Jun 16, 2011 at 5:33 PM: “I do not have training tomorrow.” “I did not find out anymore info today about a set schedule. Right now, unfortunately it is day by day.”
On Friday, Jun 17, 2011 at 7:21 PM: “I just received a call from one of my co-workers. I have to do a ride along tomorrow.” “I wanted to give you the option to watch Jr. while I am at work. I am being picked up for 6am.
On Friday, Jun 17, 2011 at 8:54 PM: “Can you meet at 9am? I would like Jr. to be able to sleep in like usual since it is the weekend. I will have my phone on me as well, just not sure how much I can check it.”
—— SMS Text —— Sent: Jun 19, 2011 7:48 AM
(1/2) I received a call and have to go into work for a couple of hours. Would you want to take Jr. for a couple of hours? If so Jerkette can meet 11am at the Sc
—— SMS Text ——Sent: Jun 19, 2011 7:48 AM
(2/2) otia DD’s, and then again meet you at 330pm. I’m not sure if this makes any sense because this is so close to his nap time. Let me know..
—— SMS Text ——Sent: Jun 19, 2011 10:02 AM
What are your hours?
—— SMS Text ——Sent: Jun 19, 2011 10:21 AM
Don’t know
On Sunday, Jun 19, 2011 at 8:50 PM: “I am very frustrated that I do not have a set schedule yet,” and “I would like to have some make-up time with Jr. at a later date per agreement, “, “But, I would like to wait until my schedule is set first.”
On Tuesday, Jun 21, 2011 at 5:41 PM: “As of right now I will be having Thursdays and Fridays off starting this week,”, “Can you let day care know tomorrow when you drop Jr. off that tomorrow will be his last day?”
On Thursday, Jun 30, 2011 at 7:48 PM: “I have decided to keep this scheduled vacation week Friday July 1st through Friday July 8th which coincides with my “normal weekend—As of right now I will have this Saturday, Sunday, and Monday off, and I will have you watch Jr. on Tuesday and Wednesday while I work.” And “The normal vacation ends Friday July 8th at 6pm, but with our current schedule my custodial time ends Saturday July 9th at 6:20am in which Jr.will be returned to you.”
On Friday, Jul 1, 2011 at 10:29 PM: “I just received a call this afternoon that I was offered the position I interviewed for the other day.” And “I do not know much detail yet about this job. I will find out next week all this information,” and “I will be taking my whole vacation week with Jr., I do not need you to watch him,”
On Sunday, Jul 3, 2011 at 10:08 PM: “I will be working weekends with this new job,” and “I do not think we should be switching the schedule back and forth, if I will be working weekends again soon. It doesn’t make much sense.”
Then again, on Wednesday, Jul 6, 2011 at 9:10 PM: “The way it looks, I think I will be having Wednesday and Thursdays off.”
In the same email, contrary to the previous, you then stated, “we can resume our “normal schedule” until I start on July 18th and find my schedule out.”
On Friday, Jul 8, 2011 at 9:47 AM: “With that said, I would like to have Jr. after your vacation on Saturday July 30th or Sunday July 31st at 6:20am until I go to work around 2pm.”(for make-up time)
Then, on Tuesday, Jul 12, 2011 at 11:50 AM: “there is a possibility that I will have Jr. on my scheduled weekend. So you should not have any plans for Saturday July 30th or Sunday July 31. Having “plans” is not a valid exception in the case of interfering with my scheduled time.”
Monday, Jul 18, 2011 at 8:31 PM: “I was informed today that I am to report for 7am this whole week as it is training. I will have this weekend off.” “I will then meet you on Friday July 29th at 6pm.”
It’s not that I won’t get over having my plans changed for that weekend, but as you can see, I have been “jerked” around for weeks now, having to cancel appts. AND this is a game he should not be allowed to play.
If HE IS working that weekend it would mean I could cancel my early flight home and stay with my family the whole vacation and drive back with them.
OR come home and attend my cousins wedding, but as it is I cannot make any plans.
FightAnotherDay
Ok, firstly you do NOT have to accommodate him. His work schedule is NOT your problem. He has you running all over the place to fit in with HIS plans. What about YOU? What about Jr.? This is all about SPATH and what HE wants.
It’s like freeking pass the parcel! All his word salad is making MY head spin.
Stand your ground. He can have Jr on his SET days if he loses out ”TOUGH. NOT your problem.
Candy,
The (current) problem is that the weekend of July 29th IS his weekend. But in one week, IF he says he’s working weekends, then he will not get him that weekend.
(If JF’s new job has him working weekends, I then get all weekends, and JF gets Jr. on his days off.)
UNTIL he is forthright (which I know he is incapable of, unless it befits him), I will not know whether I can extend my vacation into HIS “normal” weekend.
I will RUSH home to get Jr. to him, only to find I am not only home early from vacation, but cannot attend the adult-only wedding ALSO. SIGH.
FAD
FAD – It does not matter FAD if he is working HE loses out. HIS problem, not yours.
He is keeping you hanging on with regards to your holiday. He probably ALREADY knows what he is doing. He is jerking you around.
STOP being so ‘fair’!! Is HE being fair? (no?) because he does not care. With him it’s ME ME ME. If you said to him take jr for 2 weeks would he? NO, because it would ruin HIS plans. And you can bet your bottom dollar Jerkette would soon get fed up of babysitting.
It might be worth a try just to ‘test’ him. Use the journal and TELL him how it’s going to be.
FAD,
Your problem is that you want as much time with Jr as possible. Understandably. Unfortunately, you are showing your cards AND letting him play you.
If that weekend is his weekend and he ends up working, then that is HIS problem. You are not going to be around that weekend to babysit Jr. because he can’t be with him. Jerkette will have to babysit. Stick to the schedule. Make a rigid set of rules by which to set and/or re-set the schedule, and stick to those rules. Trading minutes here and minutes there is exactly what he wants because it makes him feel powerful to make you react. Take back your power and use the schedule to stay in power. When he can’t watch jr on his schedule, tell him you can’t either since you made other plans. When you can’t watch jr on your schedule, ask your parents to watch him. You could also suggest to Jerkface that he ask your parents too, if that’s ok with them.
Thank you, Candy and Skylar.
You are both right.
Six months ago when I made the plane reservations I was planning on JF having Jr. So, in reality there is no REAL inconvenience. So I think the wisdom is that I need to deal with it.
I realize that JF knows I want Jr. and it would be hard to turn-down time with him knowing that I am the best for him to be with. (In reality nothing else in my life is more important than Jr.) However, if Jerkette watches Jr. she will be inconvenienced, AND there would be no Make-up time (I don’t think so at least.) That would make messing with my schedule a LOT less fun for JF.
In the mean time, I was thinking of writing this in the journal:
“In order to finalize my plans for Saturday July 30, I need to know whether or not you will have Jr. that weekend. Please speak with your supervisor and provide me with a definite schedule for that weekend by Monday, July 25.”
?
FAD
FAD,
I prefer that you say, “Saturday July 30th is your scheduled weekend to have Jr.. because of this, I have made plans which cannot be cancelled.”
This is better because you are not allowing him any wiggle room from the schedule. Set the schedule in STONE. GREY STONE!
Once you get him to realize that this is how it’s going to be, he will quit the spath behavior (and move on to new tricks), but it will take time for you to re-train him.
FAD, I agree with Sky – do not give him wriggle room. You are sounding sooo much more confident now and yes, I think Jerkette will soon tire of playing ‘mum’. HE is the one that should be minding your child. HE is the one whining about not having time and then he dumps jr on Jerkette!
Just wondering……who came up with the ‘make up time’ thing. I’m guessing it was him to make things ‘convenient’ for him.
You’re learning fast. Well done.
Alas,
Again. What is best for Jr.? Maybe I must endure the last minute changes so that I can be there for him.
Although, in the future, I will definitely NOT cancel a doctor’s appointment to “babysit.”
Thank you again!
FAD
🙂 “word salad”…..i like it!
Yep, lots of that in a spath world; hmmm???
Hang in there FAD…..go to counseling and lay down the framework for you and your child to ditch this loser. I don’t see why you would want your child around someone who is so obviously a ‘loser’ and I would do everything I could to keep my child away from “IT” and “IT#2” for my child’s sake.
Your child should come first in all decisions. If I were you, I would have joint custody revoked and put in my name solely. I realize it would be a long and tough battle but I wouldn’t want my children around someone like that; least of all “IT’s” Spathi-friends and associates. They sometimes hang in bunches, you know. Until one finally unsurps the other.
Love and wishes are with you FAD…
Hang in there!!
*HUGS*
DUPED