Today, July 4th, is Independence Day in the United States of America. On this day 235 years ago, the country’s forefathers declared independence from the tyranny of a distant king. Today, let us all declare independence from the tyranny of sociopaths.
Declaring independence, of course, is only the beginning of the struggle. In 1776, the tyrant did not want to lose a prized possession—the Colonies—and retaliated by sending an army. The Colonists who believed in independence had no choice but to fight, even though most had little experience—they were farmers, tradesmen and laborers. But they learned how to fight. It took five years, many battles and many hardships, but in the end, the United States of America emerged victorious.
What can we learn from those Colonists that we can use in our own battles? The early Americans believed in themselves, believed in their cause, and did not give up. Oh, they suffered defeats, but they retreated, regrouped, and fought again. They learned from their mistakes, found allies and kept going.
If you’re doing battle with a sociopath—and make no mistake, any interaction is a battle—here are some strategies that will help you:
1. Know your enemy. Be brutally honest in evaluating the sociopath in your life. Remember: The sociopath never loved you. All you ever were to him or her was a source of supply. Once you get over the shock of their soullessness, you’ll begin to see the patterns of their actions. This will enable you to predict what they will do, and plan accordingly.
2. Never underestimate the sociopath. Do not anticipate that the sociopath will act as you, a person capable of love and empathy, would act. The sociopath has no concern for your emotions, your feelings and your welfare. Without empathy or a conscience, the sociopath is capable of doing anything, even the unthinkable, to get what he or she wants, which is to win.
3. Conserve your own resources. You can’t fight if you are sick or injured, so do your best to take care of yourself. Eat right; avoid drugs and alcohol; get enough rest. If you are suffering from anxiety or depression, a good way to relieve them is through exercise. Be gentle with yourself as you recover from trauma.
4. Plan strategically. Figure out what you really want and need, and figure out a way to get them. Never let the sociopath know your plans. If you are living with the person and need to escape, prepare a getaway bag and leave when he or she is not around. If you are going to court, keep careful records and document everything that happens. Keep in mind that you may need to use subterfuge and diversion to execute your plans.
5. Pick your battles. Determine what is really important to you, and what you can let go of. Your life and health are important; you may need to give up on recovering your money, saving your reputation or seeing justice done—at least for the time being. Only take on the battles that are vitally important at the moment.
6. Use overwhelming force. If you do have an opportunity to serve justice, go after the sociopath with everything you’ve got. Do not play nice; do not hold back. The harder you hit, the more likely your chances of success.
7. Seek peace. Remember, the only life you absolutely, positively can influence is your own. Your ultimate objective should be your peace of mind and peace of heart. Achieving it may mean letting go of material goods, people and past traumas. You may need to redefine yourself and how you relate to the world. If you can get to a place of tranquility, you are victorious.
FAD,
what is best for Jr. in the long term is to have a mother who can control the situation no matter what the jerkface throws at her.
In the short term, you might think that another day with Jr. is best for him. But in the long term, this is about taking control of the situation and NOT being jerked around, because as Jr, grows up, he will see the dynamic between you and the jerk. He will internalize it. He is already at that stage and he sees your anxiety. That’s why this has to be controlled now.
It’s not the easy solution, because your intincts are to grab any time you can to be with your son, but it’s the solution that will last the longest and give Jr. the most stability – through you.
The way to beat a spath is never to react emotionally, because emotions are their weapons. Once you know this, you can win.
“The way to beat a spath is never to react emotionally, because emotions are their weapons. Once you know this, you can win.” ~skylar
That is so right on, skylar. Thanks for that thought. xxoo
It’s the only way. Do NOT ‘react’ emotionally to it because they are using that as a weapon against you. Once you stop giving them anything and refuse to participate in their drama, they lose.
We need to ponder this thought, seriously:
Are we not further giving them more weapons against us when we continuously perpetuate this shock and horror inside ourselves? That is why it is absolutely necessary to build a fortress around ourselves internally and to sort through all the lies and truths and come to our own separate conclusions on our different and individual experiences. Only “WE” truly know the truths in each of our experiences.
I think it is imperative to our lives to wrestle with these demons, yes, but also imperative to ‘move forward’ as much as we possibly can, by living life and fighting for all that joy that was stolen from us. THEN WE WIN and THEY LOSE. You see?
An old priest once said to me (and I believe this is true): “Life is meant to be lived and enjoyed as the gift it is as long as it is done in and with a pure heart.”
EMPHASIS on ‘pure heart’. Spaths have no clue what that gibberish means, that I just wrote right there. THAT is the difference.
*BLESSINGS*
Dupedstered
*HUGS FAD*
Duh-Duh-Duh-Dupedster
Pondering this thought seriously;
My LOVE for Jr. is an emotion, and IF I allow my love for him to guide my reactions/decisions with JF it feeds the game.
I guess I have to act more like a soldier.
Going back to the EMDR, it is great that it separates the emotions form the ordeals. It helps you handle the present with a clear (less emotional) mind.
Don’t think I’m going to win this one Skylar. I would really like to extend my vacation, so just Saturday is not the big issue. That is why I am trying to see this as a little bump, and not make it more than it needs to be.
All I think I am going to say is, “Please speak with your supervisor and provide me with a definite schedule for the weekend of July 29 by Monday, July 25.”
Then, even if he re-negs. I have it on paper and can then also decide whether to watch Jr. Saturday or not.
Good night all.
Thank you for your wisdom : )
Your love and goodness will whisper to you and guide you.
You are a Mother and Mother’s are capable of doing, the majority of the time, all the right things for their children. I never had a “mother” like that. I don’t know what that is.
You just keep the ‘right’ and the ‘light’ close to you and you will come out alright, FAD. I just know it. I can see your goodness and almost ‘feel’ your confusion. Remember to deal with ‘you’ too, amidst all this. Take care of yourself – xxoo
DUPED
FAD,
His continually jerking you around and changing schedules at the last minute etc. is a problem-0—would be for anyone except “jerkface of course” He is USING THAT TO KEEP YOU IN THE SPIN CYCLE….so….set a MONTHLY SCHEDULE and unless someone is DYING it is not changeable without a week’s notice and AGREEMENT of the other party. If Jerk face can’t take his turn with the kid, let his WIFE keep the kid, so use JERKETTE as a FREE baby sitter.
Instead of fighting to keep Juinior away from Jerk and Jerkette, let them have him, and make sure that you comment that you are “doing something” during the time they have Junior and actually you are GLAD that you have this FREE baby sitting service….because it gives you time to PURSUE YOUR OTHER INTERESTS….”wink, wink” hee hee
FLIP the table on him, it is okay for Jerkface to be married, but he still wants to OWN and control you, so turn the tables….(((hugs))))
🙂 Great advice, Ox.
“Jerkface”..hehehehehe
And tell him to watch out for that skillet!
Duped
Hi Everyone,
Haven’t posted in a while, but I have been on here reading. I have learned so much from all of you. Thank you.
I am getting stronger. I had a rough day yesterday and at 6:50 last night “IT” called! He called and wanted to talk. Talk! I only asked “WHAT DO YOU WANT???” I wanted to let him know that we had a clear connection, so I could hang up on him. He said that “”T” (his new wife) got mail today… are you really that mad at me?” That is when I hung up! Yes, he said that his wife got mail today… it was the questionaire that he has to answer for a law suit I have against him. He didn’t say he got mail… he said his wife did. WTF He asked if I was “that mad at him” He stole from me, he messed with my head. He and I had made plans to get married, that we were going to live happily ever after. The very next day, he left a note on the night stand and went off and married another woman. He really does not have a consciense. He proved once again. If he had a consciense than he would realize that I have every right to be mad. I AM PISSED! But knowing what I know now that he is a sociopath, I know that he was just trying to get his foot back in the door! So that I would drop the law suit. NO WAY!!! is that going to happen. He fricken left me a note.. he left his phone, so I could not contact him. He underestimated me. Oh yes he did. I caught up with him and he is being exposed for the loser that he is. Oh, but his new wife is still under his spell. She believes all his lies. I would love to be a fly on the wall at there house. I wonder how he is going to spin this!
Sadme – Wow! What a backspath. His wife got mail……nearly wet myself laughing at that. You have him sussed. He asks are you mad at him? How stupid can he be? You have started a law suit and he asks ‘are you angry?’ typical, WTF.
🙂 sadme: OMG are we related? 🙂
Sorry for what has happened to you. I was where you are right now, about 4 months ago, I would say…
Yah, mine keeps trying to slime it’s way back in the door too, so I will drop charges. When that didn’t work, the threats began.
It’s getting sooooooooooooooooooooo old. Isn’t it?
I don’t think people should be allowed to attempt killing you and laugh about it and walk away. I am sorry. It goes against everything I am.
Keep reading sadme: you have to find that spot where the hate rolls off and then you will know you are on the way to a complete recovery. It’s true. When you stop waking up in the morning trapped inside this horrid flicker movie and you see YOURSELF, strong, confident and whole.
It was an illusion. They used us. It’s alright. THEY ARE THE LOSERS because THEY are the ones who defiled genuine caring and concern and laughed at it. That makes THEM the loser.
Dupedster
People continue to tell me when a relationship goes sour, it’s your fault not getting to know a person thoroughly. Thus, I continue to ask myself what could I have done different to avoid the spath encounter all together. I could have done a background check. I could have tried to find the ex. I could have waited a bit longer before jumping into the relationship… all these things are true and very important but what do you do if a man admits to having a criminal record, you don’t know ex gf’s name, and they continue to lie about their life and daily activity with friend’s who confirm who they are. Knowing what I know now, I will never get involved with another man who has been to prison, had a past involving drugs and drug abuse, and can’t show me a check stub. These things we’re in fact my fault, but what about the guys who really do have a bad past but have turned their lives around? I thought I was getting a born again Ex offender with my spath. I also always believed that people reveal themselves with time. so was this just something I had to learn inevitably? I feel that more time spent getting to know spath would have only been more time for him to contruct the lie, study me with more depth, or even perhaps turn me more into a friend with benefits? I’ve come time learn spath usually keeps his flings personal with the exception of a few women the ‘special’ women who are privy to meet his family whom he still only let’s in but so much to avoid being thwarted. I just feel weird listening to everyone say it’s my fault when I know that had things been done differently I probably would have been even deeper under his spell.