Today, July 4th, is Independence Day in the United States of America. On this day 235 years ago, the country’s forefathers declared independence from the tyranny of a distant king. Today, let us all declare independence from the tyranny of sociopaths.
Declaring independence, of course, is only the beginning of the struggle. In 1776, the tyrant did not want to lose a prized possession—the Colonies—and retaliated by sending an army. The Colonists who believed in independence had no choice but to fight, even though most had little experience—they were farmers, tradesmen and laborers. But they learned how to fight. It took five years, many battles and many hardships, but in the end, the United States of America emerged victorious.
What can we learn from those Colonists that we can use in our own battles? The early Americans believed in themselves, believed in their cause, and did not give up. Oh, they suffered defeats, but they retreated, regrouped, and fought again. They learned from their mistakes, found allies and kept going.
If you’re doing battle with a sociopath—and make no mistake, any interaction is a battle—here are some strategies that will help you:
1. Know your enemy. Be brutally honest in evaluating the sociopath in your life. Remember: The sociopath never loved you. All you ever were to him or her was a source of supply. Once you get over the shock of their soullessness, you’ll begin to see the patterns of their actions. This will enable you to predict what they will do, and plan accordingly.
2. Never underestimate the sociopath. Do not anticipate that the sociopath will act as you, a person capable of love and empathy, would act. The sociopath has no concern for your emotions, your feelings and your welfare. Without empathy or a conscience, the sociopath is capable of doing anything, even the unthinkable, to get what he or she wants, which is to win.
3. Conserve your own resources. You can’t fight if you are sick or injured, so do your best to take care of yourself. Eat right; avoid drugs and alcohol; get enough rest. If you are suffering from anxiety or depression, a good way to relieve them is through exercise. Be gentle with yourself as you recover from trauma.
4. Plan strategically. Figure out what you really want and need, and figure out a way to get them. Never let the sociopath know your plans. If you are living with the person and need to escape, prepare a getaway bag and leave when he or she is not around. If you are going to court, keep careful records and document everything that happens. Keep in mind that you may need to use subterfuge and diversion to execute your plans.
5. Pick your battles. Determine what is really important to you, and what you can let go of. Your life and health are important; you may need to give up on recovering your money, saving your reputation or seeing justice done—at least for the time being. Only take on the battles that are vitally important at the moment.
6. Use overwhelming force. If you do have an opportunity to serve justice, go after the sociopath with everything you’ve got. Do not play nice; do not hold back. The harder you hit, the more likely your chances of success.
7. Seek peace. Remember, the only life you absolutely, positively can influence is your own. Your ultimate objective should be your peace of mind and peace of heart. Achieving it may mean letting go of material goods, people and past traumas. You may need to redefine yourself and how you relate to the world. If you can get to a place of tranquility, you are victorious.
Dear Iamstrong,
Thank you so much for YOUR inspiration as well! 🙂
Yah, that old ‘ugly spot’ just doesn’t want to go away even though we KNOW we need to keep it away….
As far as pathological lying: hahahahahaha
Is THAT what that was? More like a demon from hell is what it is!
“Your picker is broke”: hahahaha, that’s one way to put it, Ox! 😉
As far as ‘picking a better specimen in the future’…well, after a fashion a person becomes a little ‘gun shy’…I am surprised to hear women talking about filling up that ‘ugly spot’ with another ordeal so soon! Without allowing themselves the opportunity to find their own selves first. I am not a ‘serial dater’, always thinking that if I just keep looking, I will find what I am looking for, although I don’t know what I am looking for but I will know it when I find it. Hmmm….that’s what I thought with x sp….
VULNERABLE is the word. Think about that.
I am not trying to discourage anyone from finding happiness in their lives. I am soooooooooooo happy for those couples who find peace and love and joy and happiness but I also believe there are some people who are meant to walk alone in this life. It has taken me 60 years to learn that I just may be one of those people and it isn’t a ‘sad state of affairs’, actually, it’s very liberating, especially after I just spent a whole lifetime of taking care of and supporting others.
I don’t care WHAT their symptoms or medical terminology actually “IS” – all “I” know is that “IT” is NOT going to take my breath from me. Period. I am not a person to create nor make waves for “IT” but I DO mean every single word I said to “IT” and “IT” knows it. That’s all there is to it.
Unlike “IT”, I don’t speak shallow words nor make idle promises.
I just don’t need to deal with this anymore. It was a nightmare I just wish to put away in the ANALS of history and only regard it with the education, awareness and insight that it has afforded me. I don’t wish to smash and destroy him but I DO intend to make sure that he will ALWAYS remember me and the injustice he has wreaked. That is not an empty threat, that is an absolute PROMISE. And “IT” knows it.
I KNOW I can trust myself! I KNOW I can rely upon MYSELF.
I have for many years and there has been many men who thought they could ‘push’ their way into my life by either the ‘bums rush’ or ‘purchasing’ me with their wealth. I am not about any of that. What a person has or does not have, materialistically, means absolutely nothing to me. It is the PERSON that matters to me most.
I have tried dating during this little escapade and it isn’t fair to your ‘date’ nor yourself, in the long run, until you settle this battle raging within yourself. I know from experience.
Although my experience has been a tremendous nightmare, I have been forcing myself to glean whatever I can and try making something good out of it. I don’t want to be stuck in the ‘victim’ slot for very long because I have always said:
“I stop being the victim the minute I realize I AM BEING MADE A VICTIM.” 🙂
I have never been one to lower my moral standards nor virtues for anyone else and yet, here I did it for “IT” and all “IT” did was consume it and spit it back out, laughing….
WELL, WHO IS LAUGHING NOW? Hmm?
I MEAN WHAT I SAY TO “IT” and I DO NOT BACK UP NOR DOWN.
I will NOT change my morals nor value system for something that is so grotesquely ABNORMAL just to have “IT” there because I have loved it. I have chose to care ‘from afar’ and THAT didn’t last for long, let me tell ya.
I just want it completely gone from my collection of memories.
If I could go through one of those ‘mind zapping machines’ out of a sci-fi movie, just to eradicate any thoughts or memories of “IT”, I would definitely pay the cash to do it. Definitely.
Which reminds me, I am going to be attending a hypnotherapy session sometime during this month. I don’t know ‘how’ it works but I have to admit that THAT along with EMDR therapy has helped me tremendously but the one thing that has helped the absolute most is LEARNING THE TRUTH about “WHAT” “IT” was!
As educated as I am, I can’t believe I allowed myself to be DUPED the way I was but it started out by trying to save his life, , which I will always believe I have done. Even HE knows I have….that is undeniable.
Anyways, cheaters, beaters, liars, it’s all the same…
they make us hurt and feel miserable and we don’t have to tolerate that. We know “WHO” we are and now we know who “THEY” are…I try to educate people as much as I possibly can about all this. It’s one thing that makes me ‘feel better’ and helps me by sharing my journey with others who are walking the same paths. Never stop learning and educating yourself…
Love and blessings to all….
Oh, by the way, Ox, I will NEVER believe that “not all men cheat..” It is inherent in the reproductive gene cycle…mating and multiplying…I think when they were created, they got an extra gene called: “OVERDRIVE SEXUAL LIBIDO”…
Have a great day everyone…
DUPED
DUPED:
I agree with all men cheat. Here is what I think and what I have observed…either they DO cheat or the FEW I saw who didn’t cheat…they were thinking about it or thought about it! They just haven’t acted upon it for whatever reason. If that makes them better, so be it, but they inherently all have it in them without a doubt.
Ox Drover,
Thank you for your response and well received advise. I know of the list of 20 characteristics of Socio’s as outlined by my past marriage counselor. It just seems like every man I have been involved with have met the first 5 characteristics and that is very scary for me to acknowledge. Not to mention the suedo profile my friend and I posted on a dating site, and got 250 responses from married men within a two County area in two days. Not good. I find it very disheartening that any man would ask any woman for money for any reason. It’s a turn off for me and I find it offensive. Men as friends doesnt work for me either, because sex is eventually ALWAYS as issue.
After my ordeal with a total Sociopath rendered me broken and disabled for a bit, the experience made me so much stronger and I have become quite vocal about my disatisfaction with any action that seems out of place or “not right” with anyone. I have what I consider to be very strong moral values and while I do not expect everyone to have the same values, I now make myself very clear on what is acceptable and set boundaries accordingly, whether a business dealing or my personal relationships with men.
Backatya,
I applaud your moral compass, and if we adhere to that, and if we don’t let people who don’t have an equal moral compass distract us by their other attributes we can do quite well picking partners.
My “deal breakers” are HONESTY, if he isn’t honest, and all that entails, it is a no go. If he isnt KIND and all that entails, no go, if he isn’t COMPASSIONATE it is a no go, and if he is not RESPONSIBLE ditto….each of those words entail a great deal of behaviors, lying would fall under dishonesty, not handling their money well and mooching off of others, and.or not keeping a job would fall under responsibility, but also doing what he says he will do when he will do it–or have a darned good explaination.
No matter what other “good qualities” that person has if they don’t have those 4, then I am not interested in them. This same “ruler” goes for friends, and family as well. My INNER CIRCLE OF TRUST IS VERY IMPORTANT TO ME, it is where I get my support emotionally and sometimes physically. But people must earn my trust to enter that special place—and dishonest people need not apply.
Whelp….kiddies are included in this. The way I see it; N P kiddies just use us to do their ‘raising’ because they are so great and awesome, we owed it to them. Hard to face your kids don’t love you. But, I’m doing it. Weird, though.
Regarding #7-My adult kids are all the family I have living. They make me very sick with their behavior. I get ill and have to rest for weeks after visiting one day with any of them. It’s a constant head game with all the attention on them. And anytime the two girls are in the same room/area-it’s disaster. The older one will create all types of extreme drama and fights, by working elaborate scenes. Do I tell my own family and kids they make me ill? And-do I avoid my family for the rest of my life? I cannot reconcile this in my mind….
TwiceBT
I am learning to accept that my child does not love me. What is ironic is that I had a terrible N mother, but as bad as she was, I did love her. I had stopped allowing my mom to be mean to me but if she had ever said she loved me and wanted to work on having a relationship, I’d have been in heaven… So I can not understand my daughter who rejects a mom who would do anything for her.
I am stopping my daughter from being able to be mean to me too. I feel numb about it. Loving her was the only reason I had to live these last years. I am so Afraid to let myself feel what her rejection does to me b/c I think it would destroy me.
So TwiceBetrayed, how ARE you DOING IT? I need examples to follow. I am pretty much NC but that’s easy b/c she never reaches out to me.
Oxy,
I have been ridiculed for my moral compass. But it is my link to sanity, it’s what makes sense. So I do cling to it, esp in those days of crazymaking illogical nonsense. I have discovered that a lot of people claim to have a moral compass, but they don’t live by it, and they get angry when I don’t agree with all their exceptions to the rule. My conclusion is they do’t have a moral compass at all, they KNOW right from wrong, they just chose to ignore it b/c consequences to living with morals can be hard… but for me, not as hard or as painful as living without moral direction in my life. In fact, I think living with my moral compass SAVES me from pain, even as I acknowledge it limits the number of people in my life….which is sometimes a lonely reality.
KatyDid: That last sentence of your comment answers how I do it.-NC. I have three kids. Son/two daughters. Son never reaches out unless it’s something that benefits him in some way. Younger daughter same way. Older daughter does stay in contact when she needs the connection and someone to shop with/boss around. She’s w/o a man to rip apart at the moment, so there is more contact. I try to keep it l i g h t….fluffy, airy and of course it’s all about her. I limit my contact to emails and texts, if possible to keep from being sick.
I am with you, KatyDid. It has almost destroyed me. It’s why I am so ill now. I honestly feel if these adult kids don’t stay away from me, I will not survive. I hate being sick from them and I hate staying away from them, because it just does not seem right to never see your kids…..
I wish I had an answer for you, KatyDid…I have found NO way to survive but NC and remind myself they are not sweet little kids that love me, they are toxic adults. Even then, we worry about them and have our memories….
Katy-Sometimes I feel like all I have left is my moral compass and nobody better mess with it again.