Today, July 4th, is Independence Day in the United States of America. On this day 235 years ago, the country’s forefathers declared independence from the tyranny of a distant king. Today, let us all declare independence from the tyranny of sociopaths.
Declaring independence, of course, is only the beginning of the struggle. In 1776, the tyrant did not want to lose a prized possession—the Colonies—and retaliated by sending an army. The Colonists who believed in independence had no choice but to fight, even though most had little experience—they were farmers, tradesmen and laborers. But they learned how to fight. It took five years, many battles and many hardships, but in the end, the United States of America emerged victorious.
What can we learn from those Colonists that we can use in our own battles? The early Americans believed in themselves, believed in their cause, and did not give up. Oh, they suffered defeats, but they retreated, regrouped, and fought again. They learned from their mistakes, found allies and kept going.
If you’re doing battle with a sociopath—and make no mistake, any interaction is a battle—here are some strategies that will help you:
1. Know your enemy. Be brutally honest in evaluating the sociopath in your life. Remember: The sociopath never loved you. All you ever were to him or her was a source of supply. Once you get over the shock of their soullessness, you’ll begin to see the patterns of their actions. This will enable you to predict what they will do, and plan accordingly.
2. Never underestimate the sociopath. Do not anticipate that the sociopath will act as you, a person capable of love and empathy, would act. The sociopath has no concern for your emotions, your feelings and your welfare. Without empathy or a conscience, the sociopath is capable of doing anything, even the unthinkable, to get what he or she wants, which is to win.
3. Conserve your own resources. You can’t fight if you are sick or injured, so do your best to take care of yourself. Eat right; avoid drugs and alcohol; get enough rest. If you are suffering from anxiety or depression, a good way to relieve them is through exercise. Be gentle with yourself as you recover from trauma.
4. Plan strategically. Figure out what you really want and need, and figure out a way to get them. Never let the sociopath know your plans. If you are living with the person and need to escape, prepare a getaway bag and leave when he or she is not around. If you are going to court, keep careful records and document everything that happens. Keep in mind that you may need to use subterfuge and diversion to execute your plans.
5. Pick your battles. Determine what is really important to you, and what you can let go of. Your life and health are important; you may need to give up on recovering your money, saving your reputation or seeing justice done—at least for the time being. Only take on the battles that are vitally important at the moment.
6. Use overwhelming force. If you do have an opportunity to serve justice, go after the sociopath with everything you’ve got. Do not play nice; do not hold back. The harder you hit, the more likely your chances of success.
7. Seek peace. Remember, the only life you absolutely, positively can influence is your own. Your ultimate objective should be your peace of mind and peace of heart. Achieving it may mean letting go of material goods, people and past traumas. You may need to redefine yourself and how you relate to the world. If you can get to a place of tranquility, you are victorious.
Dear Coping,
I have had to recognize that my egg donor (mother) is TOXIC to me, and that my youngest son is a PSYCHOPATH (HE IS IN PRISON FOR MURDER) and my oldest biological son is an ARSEHOLE JERK, though not a psychopath. I cannot accept ANYTHING from them in the way of assistance even if I needed it desperately…because it would be an “obligation” and a “debt” that I would have to pay in EMOTIONAL BLOOD. I’m not willing to pay that debt in emotional blood, it is not worth it. I would live in a card board box and eat out of dumpsters first, it would be easier and less painful than accepting “help” from those that do not truly, can not truly, love us.
Sure, it is difficult to accept that a mother or a son are TOXIC but the truth is the truth, and I must accept that whether I like it or not. I would rather have had biological sons that loved me and were upright,, kind and compassionate men, honest men. I don’t have that, but you know what, that is their choice. They were “raised right” to know right from wrong, but they CHOSE TO BEHAVE the way they do and it is not my “fault” or my responsibility. My egg donor chose her psychopathic grandson over the daughter who loved her, chose the man who scams her for money over the daughter who was “there” for her, would have been there forever….but she wanted CONTROL more than she wanted love and caring. I am no longer willing to give CONTROL OVER MY LIFE to anyone.
If you have other options, I sincerely suggest that you use those other options rather than taking blood money from ANYONE. You will find that life is much nicer when there are no people in your life who are trying to CONTROL you. NO MATTER WHAT THE BLOOD RELATIONSHIP IS….no one has that right. ((((hugs))))) and God bless.
Ohh Ox-
Thank you. Yes you are right. I left home young and worked 2 jobs to pay for my education so that would never happen…ironic and painfull this mess is back. Family-damn!! Thats all I can say on that subject. I can only process so much at once.
((((hugs back at you))))
I have a question or rather an observation I have noticed. How is it that so many people on this site have encountered /dealt with multiple spaths and such dysfunctional people? I can say with 100% certainty I have only had one spath. I realize it is NOT our fault however whats that all about? Is there something within us that attracts them to us?
I ask this question because I am at a very strange “processing” point in this journey. I am noticing that I have let so me people into my life so freely and openly only to discover they are not the type of people I want around. They were around before the spath and I am noticing they are not true friends and in some cases have low moral standards…even torwards me. I am not being judgemental towards them.. just real.
Not sure if this makes sence or not?
coping,
after the spath episode finished, I finally noticed how many spaths/toxins I had in my life too.
I like to think of this new awareness as a gift.
Yay! my post worked. I’ve been locked out all morning.
Thanks Donna!
Coping,
You say you are NOT being “judgmental”-=—but JUDGMENTAL IS GOOD. If you see someone stealing, it is GOOD to JUDGE THAT PERSON IS DISHONEST….it is not “bad” that you notice “low morals” or “bad behavior” because it shows that YOUR MORAL COMPASS IS STILL WORKING.
Not everyone who is “toxic” or “bad for you” is a psychopath, but that still doesn’t mean that you want them in your life or want them around you.
I had MORE THAN ONE PSYCHOPATH….my Sperm donor was a psychopath (full blown!) and my murdering convict son is a psychopath…my egg donor is just toxic, but her brother, my “Uncle Monster” was a full blown beast! Not just toxic but dangerous and without a conscience. I’ve known some others that I doubt not a bit that they were fully psychopathic but I’ve known many others that were TOXIC enough I did not want them in my life.
I am VERY picky now about who I let into my “inner circle” of intimacy, but unless you go live on a desert Island somewhere you are not going to get away from all the toxic or psychopathic people in the world….but if you keep them at ARM’S LENGTH away from you, if you say “that person is dishonest/toxic and I do not want to be close to them” you can usually avoid getting entangled with them enough that they are not going to hurt you. It is when we LET THEM GET CLOSE that they hurt us. Just like a poison snake….keep far enough away that they can’t bite you and no matter how poison they are, you are still SAFE. LEARN TO RECOGNIZE THE POISON ONES….learn the “red flags” of DISHONESTY, ARROGANCE, LACK OF CONSCIENCE, LACK OF RESPONSIBILITY, PATHOLOGICAL LYING etc etc.
RUN at the FIRST sign of dishonesty or lies, unkindness, lack of responisbility etc. you don’t need these people in your life even if they are not a psychopath.
Coping
I think you ask a great question. How is it that so many of us have had multiple ‘spaths” in our life.
I will tell you my mother was a narcissist. She was very selfish and abusive. The experience with her taught me to live with abuse. It was familiar.
When I met my spath, I had my pick of male partners. There were many in my life. I turned down all the others, and only wanted him, there was something strange, unusual, compelling about him. He was distant. He was hard to get. He was charming. He seemed so perfect but yet so wrong. I kept trying to figure out, why is this guy so strange? But anyway, my cycle of abuse with my mother set me up to pursue an abusive relationship with my spath.
I think that is largely what happens.
Then, once we figure things OUT – to Oxy’s point – our level of awareness skyrockets. I see toxic people now from miles away.
I have read about 100 different books on personality disorders, psychopathy, etc. My reading includes several textbooks, clinical guides, reference guides, and simply tales like the Devil in the White City, The Mask of Sanity, The Sociopath Next Door, Human Neurosis, the list goes on and on.
I have become very knowledgeable in this area now. I look at everybody through a different lens, and my standards are way, way, way higher.
Does that make sense?
Superkid
Sky, welcome back!!
Wow!!!
Ox-I think you are the ony person I have ever known of to say Judgement is good…lol…well with the exception of my therapist but that was during a boundary issue discussion. I have boundary issues…not with respecting others…but with allowing myself to have them. Probably because I’ve never set them for myself. Don’t get me wrong I’m not a total wimp. I guess it boils down to self-love. I have the right to say and think I don’t need that crap, I don’t deserve that and most importantly ITS NOT MY JOB TO MAKE EXCUSES AND RATIONALIZE SOMEONE ELSES BAD BEHAVIOR AND DEFAULTS.
Superkid that makes perfect sence. I like what you said about your mother. I can relate….that makes perfect sence! VERY,VERY, INTERESTING!!!
Skylar yes I can see how this can be seen as a gift. I still have allot of work to do. 🙂
Ironically I have down 3 things in the past week with respect to removing toxins but I must be honest I feel tremendous guilt and am questioning whether I was justified in doing and thinking the thoughts I felt. It felt sellfish.
Actually no I was absolutely justified!! I did nothing except:
1. Delete an old contact who borrowed money from me and never called or paid me back. She was a shit. Its not like we’re talking about a hundred bucks or something…even if it was its the principle!
2. Tell someone to NEVER call me again at 3:00 AM. I have a child who sleeps at night. Dont use me to screw with your girlfriends head.
3. Not allow someone (A very close friend-or so I thought) who I let live with me for 8 months for totally FREE come to my home to get drunk when she hasn’t even made the effort to see my child…ohhh with the exception of when her sister babysat for me twice. One overnight visit cost me $130. Thats bs!!! Besides no getting shitfaced around my baby!! Period!!
Good for me LOL…howver there is so much more. God help me. 🙂
Coping
Here is a link to a LoveFraud article I wrote on Judging. I think it will explain what I am thinking about “judging” and how you HAVE TO DO IT in order to set boundaries….on how you will allow others to treat you. I had/have the same problem.
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2011/03/25/being-a-judgmental-person-is-more-than-okay-it-is-wise/
Without being able to decide for ourselves what is OKAY and what is NOT OKAY (judging between things) we can never learn to set boundaries and in order to stay safe we MUST.
So when you start feeling guilty—BOINK YOURSELF IN THE HEAD!!!!