Today, July 4th, is Independence Day in the United States of America. On this day 235 years ago, the country’s forefathers declared independence from the tyranny of a distant king. Today, let us all declare independence from the tyranny of sociopaths.
Declaring independence, of course, is only the beginning of the struggle. In 1776, the tyrant did not want to lose a prized possession—the Colonies—and retaliated by sending an army. The Colonists who believed in independence had no choice but to fight, even though most had little experience—they were farmers, tradesmen and laborers. But they learned how to fight. It took five years, many battles and many hardships, but in the end, the United States of America emerged victorious.
What can we learn from those Colonists that we can use in our own battles? The early Americans believed in themselves, believed in their cause, and did not give up. Oh, they suffered defeats, but they retreated, regrouped, and fought again. They learned from their mistakes, found allies and kept going.
If you’re doing battle with a sociopath—and make no mistake, any interaction is a battle—here are some strategies that will help you:
1. Know your enemy. Be brutally honest in evaluating the sociopath in your life. Remember: The sociopath never loved you. All you ever were to him or her was a source of supply. Once you get over the shock of their soullessness, you’ll begin to see the patterns of their actions. This will enable you to predict what they will do, and plan accordingly.
2. Never underestimate the sociopath. Do not anticipate that the sociopath will act as you, a person capable of love and empathy, would act. The sociopath has no concern for your emotions, your feelings and your welfare. Without empathy or a conscience, the sociopath is capable of doing anything, even the unthinkable, to get what he or she wants, which is to win.
3. Conserve your own resources. You can’t fight if you are sick or injured, so do your best to take care of yourself. Eat right; avoid drugs and alcohol; get enough rest. If you are suffering from anxiety or depression, a good way to relieve them is through exercise. Be gentle with yourself as you recover from trauma.
4. Plan strategically. Figure out what you really want and need, and figure out a way to get them. Never let the sociopath know your plans. If you are living with the person and need to escape, prepare a getaway bag and leave when he or she is not around. If you are going to court, keep careful records and document everything that happens. Keep in mind that you may need to use subterfuge and diversion to execute your plans.
5. Pick your battles. Determine what is really important to you, and what you can let go of. Your life and health are important; you may need to give up on recovering your money, saving your reputation or seeing justice done—at least for the time being. Only take on the battles that are vitally important at the moment.
6. Use overwhelming force. If you do have an opportunity to serve justice, go after the sociopath with everything you’ve got. Do not play nice; do not hold back. The harder you hit, the more likely your chances of success.
7. Seek peace. Remember, the only life you absolutely, positively can influence is your own. Your ultimate objective should be your peace of mind and peace of heart. Achieving it may mean letting go of material goods, people and past traumas. You may need to redefine yourself and how you relate to the world. If you can get to a place of tranquility, you are victorious.
PS Coping,
Your deleting of those TOXIC creeps out of your life is a good thing! You need drunks around your baby (or yourself) like you need another hole in your head. You need people sponging off you like you need TWO more holes in your head.
These people are:
‘
1. IRRESPONSIBLE
2. DISHONEST
3. MOOCHES
And you need folks like this around you or your baby WHY??????
Do not give people like this a “second chance” when PEOPLE **SHOW*** YOU WHAT THEY ARE, BELIEVE THEM!!!!
Hey skylar, we’ve been waiting on you…. 🙂
Happy Wednesday sky…
I was just reading Superkid’s post…
yes! our level of consciousness skyrockets! YES~!
We become more defined as people and acquire a greater strength and courage; not, as MY SP stated: “You will come out of this a better person because I have inspired it.” I would NEVER give IT that much credit. It gets NO CREDIT from ME in either direction because this is MY LIFE; not it’s. It is nothing but a distant memory that was nothing but a nightmare for me the whole time. “Tyrant” is much too kind a word. In fact, those were the very last words I uttered to it: “…you have been nothing but a tyrant to me the whole time I have known you. Go away and leave me alone.” And, I meant it and still do.
YES! We choose more wisely and are becoming bigger people NOT BECAUSE “OF” the spath but because of US…WE are the one’s making this happen for ourselves-we are the only part of the equation who is actually constructively choosing to take this bad experience and turn it around and make something from it.
They were just the catapult for our having a much better; much safer and much more ‘pleasant” life. Think of it like that. I do. Sure, the pain and the hurt is devastating. We trusted them so much to be who they were portraying they were. I know how much that hurts. But they just aren’t worth it. They tried to consume us. Sometimes, literally, because of their jealousy towards us in the first place. They want to be like us and don’t know how. I believe that is true. I think that is what has had me so devastated because “IT” would reach out to me through it’s misery and torture, like reaching from a fire, shouting and yelling my name: “come help me…I am lost….I am drowning and need you to show me the way…” Yah, THAT ‘trip’ I got tricked up into. I believed it; I trusted it. I thought what we had and what we found was so extraordinarily special and the truth is, there was nothing special about it at all, except for what I held in my mind. All the good thoughts – all the loyalty…they don’t know what those things are, how to get them, how to keep them or where they come from. They don’t even really like them except for that we have them and they don’t and they want OURS.
I mean you really have to look at the whole big picture on this in order to be fair to US. That’s the point of all this; isn’t it? “US”. Sure, the memories are difficult. I have been training myself how to ‘reprocess’ those painful thoughts and memories or I just wasn’t going to make it. Seriously. I was off the hook. Almost gone when I pulled myself up out of the swamp and starting making tracks. 🙂
Yes, superkid, you ARE very knowledgeable about all this now. Yes, I look at everyone through different eyes, too. My standards have always been very high and “IT” made me believe “IT” was someone it just isn’t. I thought it was worth one more try…….I believed that it would make it and I thought that maybe if you show someone lost that they are believed in, that can sometimes make all the difference in the world, you know. IT was my best friend for many years. We used to have such an unbreakable bond before it turned rabid. I never done anything to hurt it. Always supported it. And it just got uglier and meaner and more controlling and eventually, there was almost nothing of me left. “IT” almost took everything, even my breath. And, I let it. I can’t believe I really almost let it.
I am a completely different person now than I was before. I will never be that person ever again. I told “IT” that when it came for our last visit: “I am not the same person anymore and I don’t think you and I seeing one another is a very good idea but for the sake of auld lang syne, sure…” And then I carefully planned every word before it got here. I WAS and I DID put resolution to all this that day. Inside of myself and inside “IT”. It has been quiet; not a peep. And it had best continue straight through to the end of time as far as I am concerned.
I have deadened the emotions that go along with the things I am saying to you in self defense. 🙂 I can talk about some of this now and feel absolutely no reaction to it whatsoever. I am climbing out.
Yes, superkid, you make perfect sense to me.
I wish you nothing but happiness and wellness…
*HUGS*
Dupedster
DUPED
🙂 to Ox….
::I am boinking, I am boinking::
No skillet, pweassseee? xxoo
Today, started out great. I woke up and had coffee out on my deck. It is my day off. My partner and I rotate Wednesdays off and this was mine. I made plans with my friend and our girls to go to this really nice pool in a marina where my friend has a boat in. I love going to this pool because I feel like I am on vacation when I am there. We had a nice visit and enjoyed the girls. I was laughing pretty good at my daughter when she jumped into the pool and the water was pretty cold. Her faces that she made reminded me of when she was in kindergarten and she didn’t want her school picture to be taken. She looked sad but had a silly smirk on her face. I saw that face today! The day was great and on the way home, my friend mentioned that she had recieved a check in the mail the day before for her parent’s house that finally sold after the two of them had past away. When she opened it, she could not stop crying. Though her parents passed away 5 years ago, she said that the check was like some weird closure for her. She said that she didn’t what the money… she wanted her parents back. I was there for her during the time that she lost her brother, then her father and then her mother of cancer. She had lost them all within 2 years of each other… it was such a horrible time for her. I grabbed her hand and told her that I was sorry she felt the way she did… then for some stupid reason… I thought of the letter “it” left me. It dawned on me that “it’s” girlfriend told him what to write. Out of the blue… it just dawned on me and I started to cry. Even the “Dear John” letter he wrote that day was a lie. He didn’t think thoughs thoughts. It was her! Some of the expressions that were used in the letter, I recall her saying to me in the past. It took me about an hour to regroup.
And as for sociopath’s hating their mother…. oh I believe mine hated his. She had children with three different men. He was an illigitamate child. He had a history of always asking his victims to marry him. This last one did. Even though she knew that he came back to me three time. She knows that he has contacted me even after he married her. She is so stupid and I know that she is his victim, but I hate her for telling me that she is better than me… that she is a Christian woman and that is what “it” needed. She was the one! I was the one for “it” when we were together. I just want to boink her with a frying pan!!!!
Oxy:
I’ve been loving all your posts…THANKS!!! Keeps the focus and reminders in front of me.
sadme:
UGGHH. I am glad you were there for your friend though, but sad it triggered memories for you, too.
Believe me, I can relate to the OW thinking she is the ONE and using the Christian thing and blah, blah, blah. I had a similar type situation, but not quite the same. I am a Christian, too. Anyway, you are doing great! Glad you had a good day at the pool!
Since my relationship with “it” I am much more aware of what people are capable of. I have had a blessed life and a good up bringing. My folks are happily married and all my siblings have grown up to be up standing citizens. I think that because of my up bringing I had empathy for the underdogs. My family have contributed to many causes. I have witnessed my father donating so much of his time to help the needy. In my business, we are constantly donating to a cause. I thought I was being a good human for giving “it” a break. I have my guard up and I see the red flags flying now. It is amazing how many men that I have met since my break up with “it” have red flags. I am going to be very cautious from now on. He stole my innocence. I was raised with a gentle hand and “it” knew it and took advantage of that fact. Slime ball!!!!
There is an irony here and I’m not sure if it’s real or not.
My spath KEPT me innocent. It’s possible that I would have discovered toxic people much earlier if I hadn’t been secluded and made dependant on him. He dealt with the real world for me in a lot of ways. He secluded me in a cabin, in the woods, on an island. He told me terrible things about the neighbors (many were true, since they were his minions) so that I wouldn’t want to talk to them. He poisoned me so that I couldn’t work. He took care of meeting with the tree guy, the septic tank guy, the contractors. He told me that it was best if not too many people knew I was alone in the woods because they could come back when he wasn’t around to protect me. He made sure to always bring up the fact that people could be dangerous and cause trouble. I felt relieved that he was there to protect me and so competently too.
SHEESH!!
All the while it was him that was the most dangerous of all. It blew my mind to know that he was 180 degrees the opposite of the picture he painted. That’s hard to understand for most people, but he was that good at painting pictures.
I think he liked having a very innocent person in his control. He liked that I was religious and had read the bible. I think that he has a fascination with innocence.
In the end that innocence was ripped from me. I lost it, not little by little in the natural process of growing up, but in an instant. It was mind boggling.
skylar:
I’m so sorry…that is so sad what he did to you. He was truly an spath if I’ve ever heard of one. What he did to you was truly evil. I’m just so sorry you didn’t see what he was doing so you could get out, but that’s what happened to all of us…just in different degrees and yours was to a very high degree 🙁
Ugh….A very high degree for sure……. I am soooo sorry that happened to you. I am glad that you are away from “it” and on this site. Stay strong.