Today, July 4th, is Independence Day in the United States of America. On this day 235 years ago, the country’s forefathers declared independence from the tyranny of a distant king. Today, let us all declare independence from the tyranny of sociopaths.
Declaring independence, of course, is only the beginning of the struggle. In 1776, the tyrant did not want to lose a prized possession—the Colonies—and retaliated by sending an army. The Colonists who believed in independence had no choice but to fight, even though most had little experience—they were farmers, tradesmen and laborers. But they learned how to fight. It took five years, many battles and many hardships, but in the end, the United States of America emerged victorious.
What can we learn from those Colonists that we can use in our own battles? The early Americans believed in themselves, believed in their cause, and did not give up. Oh, they suffered defeats, but they retreated, regrouped, and fought again. They learned from their mistakes, found allies and kept going.
If you’re doing battle with a sociopath—and make no mistake, any interaction is a battle—here are some strategies that will help you:
1. Know your enemy. Be brutally honest in evaluating the sociopath in your life. Remember: The sociopath never loved you. All you ever were to him or her was a source of supply. Once you get over the shock of their soullessness, you’ll begin to see the patterns of their actions. This will enable you to predict what they will do, and plan accordingly.
2. Never underestimate the sociopath. Do not anticipate that the sociopath will act as you, a person capable of love and empathy, would act. The sociopath has no concern for your emotions, your feelings and your welfare. Without empathy or a conscience, the sociopath is capable of doing anything, even the unthinkable, to get what he or she wants, which is to win.
3. Conserve your own resources. You can’t fight if you are sick or injured, so do your best to take care of yourself. Eat right; avoid drugs and alcohol; get enough rest. If you are suffering from anxiety or depression, a good way to relieve them is through exercise. Be gentle with yourself as you recover from trauma.
4. Plan strategically. Figure out what you really want and need, and figure out a way to get them. Never let the sociopath know your plans. If you are living with the person and need to escape, prepare a getaway bag and leave when he or she is not around. If you are going to court, keep careful records and document everything that happens. Keep in mind that you may need to use subterfuge and diversion to execute your plans.
5. Pick your battles. Determine what is really important to you, and what you can let go of. Your life and health are important; you may need to give up on recovering your money, saving your reputation or seeing justice done—at least for the time being. Only take on the battles that are vitally important at the moment.
6. Use overwhelming force. If you do have an opportunity to serve justice, go after the sociopath with everything you’ve got. Do not play nice; do not hold back. The harder you hit, the more likely your chances of success.
7. Seek peace. Remember, the only life you absolutely, positively can influence is your own. Your ultimate objective should be your peace of mind and peace of heart. Achieving it may mean letting go of material goods, people and past traumas. You may need to redefine yourself and how you relate to the world. If you can get to a place of tranquility, you are victorious.
Originally, I planned every break away from my dads house. I used to stay at family friends or friends from colleges home. I did that all school year but I found out that some of the family friends felt that they had betrayed my dad by not telling him. I also found out that one of the family friends was worried about my health so she texted my dad info. So my parents tried to persuade me and other folks that I can’t take care of myself. I’m too thin and I messed my eye. That’s why I had surgery but the doctor specifically said I was born with it and it was getting worse. I took huge measures to get away from my abusive family. But this summer the family I stayed with thought it wasn’t right culturally and biblically to stay with other people. So they used my little brother and sister to lure me back in the house and also the lady I stayed with this summer. She was like it was dumb and God created family for a reason. She doesn’t understand why I cutoff my moms side. In her culture, I would be the shameful child. Honestly, when I get back in a few days to college I’m gonna talk to the Resident Life lady about the option of staying on campus during breaks if I can’t find a place to go. In the spring I’m gonna reapply for my job at the girls camp
And other internship. I’m not gonna give up getting on the right track. Even though I’m broke most of the time, I think its worth it to surround myself with loving supportive people.
Dear Hurtnomore,
Well, you have found that you cannot trust these “well meaning” people who form opinions about what you “should do” and how you “should” think.
I think talking to the Resident life Lady would be a good idea, and being broke now is not the end of the world. Lots of people have been broke during their school years, and maybe you can get a part time job to earn some money….baby sitting, or a part time waitress…anything…shop for your clothing at second hand stores, and just be very careful with your spending. I got jobs cleaning people’s homes during my college years to make money, so I know it can be done. You already have 25% of your undergrad degree behind you now, and I know you can get the rest of it….make friends with GOOD people, work hard and study hard and you will be able to become independent of this family mess and get away from them.
Also see if your college does not have some counseling on campus for students as well that is free or low cost, my guess is that they do, take advantage of that and get someone professional to speak with about what has gone on with your family. Keep your chin up, you’re closer to independence that you were this time last year. (((hugs)))
I am despondent and desperate.
I know many of may not be able to make sense of this, but I am losing my son to his father.
The following is a communication from his father, and according to three separate attorneys this is abiding by our agreement.
I am still pushing for 2 days in day care because we have joint legal custody, which means I have just as much a say in his care.
But if I can’t convince him… I don’t know that court would even help.
The mess is below PLEASE give my any suggestions whether emotional or legal.
“Per my email on Thursday August 11, 2011 I already stated to you that the days I have off coincide with the days I currently have Jr. per custody agreement for both the week and weekends.
There is no need to change the time I call Jr. at this point. (Why? If you will be sleeping 4-11.)
I will not be dropping off Jr. to you at 3:30 on any day that is my custodial time. Why would you even suggest this, and assume I would give up Jr. and my time together from 3:30 pm to his bed time?
(Because you SHOULD be sleeping! And I should also have Jr. anytime he will be in the care of a third party whether you are asleep or at work.)
I have the right to first refusal and that is what we will go by when you return to work unless changed by court order. I am getting sick and tired of you thinking the agreement does not apply because it is not in your benefit. Nor do I feel you know what is in Jr.’s best interest, as there are many things lately that you have not thought about what is best for him. *You also have no right to ask me when I will sleep with this new job, or tell me when to sleep. You know nothing about when I sleep or anything regarding what Jr. and I do on our time. I do not sit here and ask you what happens to Jr. or who watches him when you have your seasonal depression and are in bed for days on end or when you have tones of homework, unfortunately that is not in my control, nor is what I do in my life in your control.
(as do I, but I am not offered it consistently; Jerkette watched Jr. from 6-11 June 19.)
Also, you constantly use your lines that Jr. benefits from the educational and social opportunities pre-school has to offer but you constantly forget that you never want him in day care when you are out of school for the whole summer or any of your time off for that matter. Why does this not apply then? He should be in pre-school through the summer if the social and educational settings mean so much to him. You contradict yourself. (Not considering school will run the same when he enters kindergarten, and I am the primary guardian)
Here is an example to show you that a person who works nights still gets the same amount of sleep as the average person who works days. We will say the average person goes to bed around 10 pm and wakes up around 5 am (7 hours of sleep), then goes to work until 3 pm (10 hours awake), then picks up their child at 3:3- pm and is awake for another 5 ½ hours (total hours awake 15 ½ hours). For a person working the midnight shift. If a person was to sleep from 4pm -0 11pm (7 hours sleep), then work till 8 am (9 hours awake), then pick up their child at 8:30am and be with them until 3:30 pm, that is 16 ½ hours awake which is about 1 hour different than the normal person working days.
(Again, what about your Sunday overnight? How will you stay up all night with Jr. and then all day the next?)
As you can see, just because I would be working nights, does not mean I will not be sleeping just as much as you or the average person working days. It is just in reverse. Not to mention that when I do have Jr. during the day, I will also be able to nap when he naps which is an extra 2 hours a day. “
FAD, I hear your desperation, Sugar! But fighting with the Jerkface about every moment of “contact” isn’t getting you anywhere. Since he is married to Jerkette, there isn’t any way that you can actually keep her from keeping him when it is “jerkface’s time” even if he is asleep or at work….
More time for Junior with jerkface is not meaning that you are “losing” your son.
Things that you can NOT control are things that you must let go. You being majorly upset over this issue of visitation and every second of it (and I know that he uses the letter of the law to jerk your chain continually) isn’t going to help your stress level or be good for junior either.
Talk to your counselor about it and see if there is anything you can do, but Somehow some way you have got to let go of the PANIC. (((HUGS))) and my prayers.
Oxy,
The panic will not subside.
I have grave concerns about the time he has Jr. then goes to work then watches Jr…..with no sleep.
AND if I have to give HIM Jr, while I am at work (during my parenting time), then why should I not get Jr, while he is at work?
This whole agreement sounds more and more in favor of one person and it’s not the mom!
Jerkface will now have Jr. every other weekend Friday-Monday
Every wednesday
Every other Thursday
and NOW every DAY
I will have Jr. every other Friday 3:30-Monday 6:30 am
Monday 3:30-Tuesday 6:30 am
Tuesday 3:30-Wednesday 6:30 am
Every other Thursday 3:30-Friday 6:30 am
Does this look like primary custody to anyone?
Since we have JOINT legal, it really looks like he will be Jr.’s primary guardian.
So much for that article OX….Jr. is being taken from his primary attachment.
FAD, You must get a handle on the PANIC….MUST! Call your counselor and see if you can get an appointment to see her ASAP.
I know it is difficult! The continual CHANGING of the schedule is enough to drive anyone bonzo! His “nickle and diming” you for every second is making you crazy, but if you don’t get a handle on your own panic, you are going to be in worse shape, not better. You are allowing him to drive you crazy which is his purpose in the situation. YOU and only YOU can get control of your panic. (((hugs))) and my prayers.
How can I not worry about my son?
That is what this is about.
To say that I cannot watch our son when his father is unable to watch him, just because he has a wife, means I need to get married, quick.
FAD;
I suggest you don’t follow him ‘step by step’. It’s his way of confusing you/situation and keeping you on the line.
You can direct traffic here…..
Tell him…..simply….let me know when you get your final schedule and we will talk then.
I don’t think a court in the land is going to make either of you adjust to each others daily changing routines…day by day….minute by minute.
Don’t address EVERYTHING he brings up. It’s only about visitation and JR’s best interest. PERIOD. Not his sleep schedule, not the wife, not his new jobs and not you etc…..
In the forefront of your mind MUST be….JR. Jr deserves stability and from that schedue sounds like…..he’s a ping pong ball.
Spath is remarried…..If she’s not abusive, jr deserves a chance to bond with her.
If Jr doesn’t bond with any of you due to the fact he wakes up here, goes there, a different person picks him up from yonder, and takes him over to tether,drops him off at daycare and yada picks him up for dinner then delivers him back to his 2nd home……it’s CRAZY.
You must allow Jr to BOND and develop relationships. When he’s old enough….given the chance…..he WILL see who is toxic and not a good person and He WILL not hate you for keeping him away from daddy-0.
Trust me…..you have to allow the kids this journey! (as long as his physical safety is NOT in jepordy).
Kids that are directed in one parents or anothers direction via the parents inability to ‘get over’ the end of relationship issues……will forever HATE that parent! In the meantime, you will fight a losing battle….and a forever battle!!!
The fact that you made that statement above about getting married quick….shows you are losing sight of the ‘real’ issues here. It’s NOT a game……work with what you have to work with!!!!
Bonding is a human necessity……if this doesn’t occur…..he will be one MESSED up adult!
Worry about the things you CAN control….and let go of the rest!!! Square pegs DON’T fit into round holes!!! Once you step back you will feel less desperate and more able to see the tree’s in the forest.
Step back……..and review what is really BEST for JR.