Today, July 4th, is Independence Day in the United States of America. On this day 235 years ago, the country’s forefathers declared independence from the tyranny of a distant king. Today, let us all declare independence from the tyranny of sociopaths.
Declaring independence, of course, is only the beginning of the struggle. In 1776, the tyrant did not want to lose a prized possession—the Colonies—and retaliated by sending an army. The Colonists who believed in independence had no choice but to fight, even though most had little experience—they were farmers, tradesmen and laborers. But they learned how to fight. It took five years, many battles and many hardships, but in the end, the United States of America emerged victorious.
What can we learn from those Colonists that we can use in our own battles? The early Americans believed in themselves, believed in their cause, and did not give up. Oh, they suffered defeats, but they retreated, regrouped, and fought again. They learned from their mistakes, found allies and kept going.
If you’re doing battle with a sociopath—and make no mistake, any interaction is a battle—here are some strategies that will help you:
1. Know your enemy. Be brutally honest in evaluating the sociopath in your life. Remember: The sociopath never loved you. All you ever were to him or her was a source of supply. Once you get over the shock of their soullessness, you’ll begin to see the patterns of their actions. This will enable you to predict what they will do, and plan accordingly.
2. Never underestimate the sociopath. Do not anticipate that the sociopath will act as you, a person capable of love and empathy, would act. The sociopath has no concern for your emotions, your feelings and your welfare. Without empathy or a conscience, the sociopath is capable of doing anything, even the unthinkable, to get what he or she wants, which is to win.
3. Conserve your own resources. You can’t fight if you are sick or injured, so do your best to take care of yourself. Eat right; avoid drugs and alcohol; get enough rest. If you are suffering from anxiety or depression, a good way to relieve them is through exercise. Be gentle with yourself as you recover from trauma.
4. Plan strategically. Figure out what you really want and need, and figure out a way to get them. Never let the sociopath know your plans. If you are living with the person and need to escape, prepare a getaway bag and leave when he or she is not around. If you are going to court, keep careful records and document everything that happens. Keep in mind that you may need to use subterfuge and diversion to execute your plans.
5. Pick your battles. Determine what is really important to you, and what you can let go of. Your life and health are important; you may need to give up on recovering your money, saving your reputation or seeing justice done—at least for the time being. Only take on the battles that are vitally important at the moment.
6. Use overwhelming force. If you do have an opportunity to serve justice, go after the sociopath with everything you’ve got. Do not play nice; do not hold back. The harder you hit, the more likely your chances of success.
7. Seek peace. Remember, the only life you absolutely, positively can influence is your own. Your ultimate objective should be your peace of mind and peace of heart. Achieving it may mean letting go of material goods, people and past traumas. You may need to redefine yourself and how you relate to the world. If you can get to a place of tranquility, you are victorious.
candy
FAD – I realise it mind-blowing for you. And YES I agree that day care would be good.
Journal – ‘For the record, my concerns are that you may not be properly rested. Junior would benefit from daycare on Mondays and ****. Nail it down.
Give it a try for a month and remember when he wants you to have jr (no matter what you feel) say NO can do.
coping
Last night I did the stupidest thing. A friend sent me flowers to cheer me up so I sent a text thanking her. I was so darn tired I accidentally sent the text to the spath. Stupid!! It just said thank you for the flowers, they were beautiful. I love you and can’t wait to catch up. Stupid!! I am now torchering myself over this. Stupid!!! I know I can’t undo it..correct it. I can only pray he realizes it was an accident. Darn!!
coping
8 months of nc and I screwed up!! Damn! I guess what’s done is done.
aintgonnatakeitnomore
he will think u a have a bf…i think it was kinda funny 🙂
i know it may well blow up and be a horrible mess, but nope u cant undo it, hon. the next few days will be rough waiting for his reaction. just keep urself busy. maybe hes found another victim…one can always hope. and u can go rite on NC like u were. u were doin great, give urself credit for that!
FightAnotherDay
Candy,
Thanks. Will do.
ABSOLUTELY mind-blowing! Mind-bending, heart-WRENCHING!
I cried yesterday in front of Jr. I was worried about it, but was SO comforting to see that he IS NORMAL. He saw I was crying and asked, “mommy are you crying?”. I told him yes, that it was because I love him SO much, and that MY heart is SO big it hurts. He hugged me and kissed me, he looked so concerned. I told him how happy he made mommy and how nice his hugs and kisses were. That he is such a good boy!
(I don’t know how this will get back to Jerkface, but I cannot hide everything.)
I am so glad I have you guys! If not I would say and o the stupidest stuff, and make my situation worse.
I am so appreciative.
((((((((Hugs back))))))))
FAD
candy
Hey FAD, you are ‘human’ and that is one thing he will NEVER be. Crying tears of sadness and joy (real emotions) are not waht a spath can feel.
I loved your explanation to jr. My daughter and I had (still have) a saying…..’love you til it hurts’ and as a caring parent it DOES hurt sometimes.
So what if it gets back to Jerk. You can only control how you react and NOT how he reacts.
How about doing something for YOU, a pamper day or something.
Louise
coping:
Yeah, haha…he will think the flowers were from a guy! Did he reply to you??
coping
No, thank god!! Besides I have a 7 yr restraining order against him. This might only piss him off. Ohh well. I’m sure he has another victim so hopefully he will just ignore it. Stupid!!
Louise
coping:
It probably just confused him a bit and then maybe he figured out the text wasn’t meant for him. Not stupid, just a mistake. I hope you are doing OK.
FightAnotherDay
Coping,
I actually think your story is funny. Something similar happened to a friend of mine. I figure your spath will either think you sent it to him by accident, and you have an admirer, or he will wonder why YOU thought he would send you flowers. I hope he is just speechless. Then: no worries.
To prevent this from ever happening again, since you have a restraining order against him, REMOVE his number from your contacts. And in case you forget it, put it in an old fashion phone book in case you ever need to reach him.
As you can see from the above, I don’t know everything, but I have learned a few things 🙂
FAD