Today, July 4th, is Independence Day in the United States of America. On this day 235 years ago, the country’s forefathers declared independence from the tyranny of a distant king. Today, let us all declare independence from the tyranny of sociopaths.
Declaring independence, of course, is only the beginning of the struggle. In 1776, the tyrant did not want to lose a prized possession—the Colonies—and retaliated by sending an army. The Colonists who believed in independence had no choice but to fight, even though most had little experience—they were farmers, tradesmen and laborers. But they learned how to fight. It took five years, many battles and many hardships, but in the end, the United States of America emerged victorious.
What can we learn from those Colonists that we can use in our own battles? The early Americans believed in themselves, believed in their cause, and did not give up. Oh, they suffered defeats, but they retreated, regrouped, and fought again. They learned from their mistakes, found allies and kept going.
If you’re doing battle with a sociopath—and make no mistake, any interaction is a battle—here are some strategies that will help you:
1. Know your enemy. Be brutally honest in evaluating the sociopath in your life. Remember: The sociopath never loved you. All you ever were to him or her was a source of supply. Once you get over the shock of their soullessness, you’ll begin to see the patterns of their actions. This will enable you to predict what they will do, and plan accordingly.
2. Never underestimate the sociopath. Do not anticipate that the sociopath will act as you, a person capable of love and empathy, would act. The sociopath has no concern for your emotions, your feelings and your welfare. Without empathy or a conscience, the sociopath is capable of doing anything, even the unthinkable, to get what he or she wants, which is to win.
3. Conserve your own resources. You can’t fight if you are sick or injured, so do your best to take care of yourself. Eat right; avoid drugs and alcohol; get enough rest. If you are suffering from anxiety or depression, a good way to relieve them is through exercise. Be gentle with yourself as you recover from trauma.
4. Plan strategically. Figure out what you really want and need, and figure out a way to get them. Never let the sociopath know your plans. If you are living with the person and need to escape, prepare a getaway bag and leave when he or she is not around. If you are going to court, keep careful records and document everything that happens. Keep in mind that you may need to use subterfuge and diversion to execute your plans.
5. Pick your battles. Determine what is really important to you, and what you can let go of. Your life and health are important; you may need to give up on recovering your money, saving your reputation or seeing justice done—at least for the time being. Only take on the battles that are vitally important at the moment.
6. Use overwhelming force. If you do have an opportunity to serve justice, go after the sociopath with everything you’ve got. Do not play nice; do not hold back. The harder you hit, the more likely your chances of success.
7. Seek peace. Remember, the only life you absolutely, positively can influence is your own. Your ultimate objective should be your peace of mind and peace of heart. Achieving it may mean letting go of material goods, people and past traumas. You may need to redefine yourself and how you relate to the world. If you can get to a place of tranquility, you are victorious.
Regarding my most recent issue, the following was found at (once again) thepsychoexwife
http://www.thepsychoexwife.com/false-abuse-allegations-cps/
Document, Document, Document! The best thing you can do is keep a diary of the incidents as they happen (arguments over petty stuff, what was said to you and your husband, any threatening language that was made especially, etc). Also in that same diary, keep a time line of when CPS was called, what was said to you about the complaint, if the ex-wife is named as the complainer or tells anyone (mutual friends, etc) that she called CPS on you.
Once you have accumulated enough circumstantial evidence you can file in small claims court for harassment. The burden of proof in small claims is less than in criminal court, so instead of proving beyond a reasonable doubt, you basically only have to prove it was most likely her. You can do this by keeping accurate notes/records of the incidents as they happen and the correlation to the time line of the CPS complaints. Of course all the results of the CPS complaints also need to be dismissed for no merit. If any of what you are being accused of is true, then it’s not harassment.
You can attempt to complain to CPS, but they have an obligation to investigate each complaint and even if they suspect that the ex is just on a witch-hunt, they aren’t going to do anything about it. So if I were you, I would be patient and let her have enough time to continue this pattern for a while so you will have something to take to court. Maybe if she ends up getting saddled with a hefty harassment charge, she will get the picture that you guys aren’t going to take it anymore. To further help your case, I would make it known that the money you win from any judgment will be put into a college fund for your kids or something like that. The point is to get her to stop harassing you, not to look like you are just after money.
Maybe this can help someone else.
FAD
A great article that puts the spotlight on the REAL Abuser.
http://www.examiner.com/cps-and-family-court-in-albany/people-who-deliberately-make-false-reports-of-child-abuse-should-be-arrested-and-prosecuted
Fad- thanks. Yep it is a little funny in retrospect. :). Your right about the number, ironically I had it stored under “do not answer”. Go figure. Serves me right for trying to be cheap and getting rid of the phone block. I’ve read your posts about jr. And am so sorry you are going through such a mess. My little one is 9 1/2 months so hearing this type of stuff really worries me for his and our future. I did respond yesterday but put it under a different thread by accident. As far as “crying” it’s normal and your response was great. I swore I would never let my son see me cry but I had a little breakdown of my own last week. We are human and it happens. Be kind to yourself. One little step at a time.
Coping, keeping your son from seeing NORMAL EMOTIONAL RESPONSE is not a good idea in my opinion….he needs to learn what normal emotions are and the only way he will is to observe normal emotional responses in normal people….and crying when you are sad/mad/frustrated/happy is one of those NORMAL EMOTIONAL RESPONSES.
He also needs to see you ANGRY (but that doesn’t mean stomping and screaming and hitting people) and HAPPY, and every other emotion you can name and demonstrate. Then when he sees ABNORMAL responses he will be able to recognize that they are abnormal.
When he cries or laughs you can VALIDATE that….”I can see you are sad, Junior, and that’s okay to be sad when your puppy dies” (or what ever is making him sad)
“I can see you are angry/mad Junior but it is not okay to hit Susie because you are mad that she has the toy you want.” Etc.
That’s the way we teach our kids what proper behavior is versus their emotions. So you cry when you are sad and just tell Junior, “Mommy is sad right now and that is why she is crying” You may be surprised to see that he tries to fix your sadness by making you happy or showing empathy to you. They do it at an early age. But what better way to teach Junior compassion, empathy by allowing him to see REAL EMOTIONS.
Wow ox- I think once again you are the only person who ever told me that stuff is ok. I try so hard to constantly put on the “happy face” in an effort to overcompensate for the other stuff that is so screwed up. I just want him to feel safe and secure. It makes me sad that I don’t really have a “parental role model” or friends with kids. I’m just trying to learn as I go and praying I’m doing it right.
When I was growing up there was such an unhealthy amount of drama, tears and anger I never want my son to have that. So I go the opposite route. I just want my son to be a healthy well adjusted person.
Ox- what you said about anger was also interesting. I’ve always had a problem showing/feeling anger. My therapist told me I have the right as a human being to be angry.. However I tend to internalize it instead of expressing it correctly. That’s not to say I don’t get upset or frustrated, it just means accepting that it’s ok. Showing certain emotions, especially anger was not dealt with well when I was growing up. I guess this goes right along with all my boundary issues.
Another issue that is at leaste for me so overwhelming is the “where to begin” phase.
I’m sure if I can explain this correctly so here goes:
1-dealing with the hurt and pain of the spath as well as rebuilding a new life both emotionally and financially.
2-taking a close look at myself to start dealing with childhood traumas and trying to “discover” how they have affected me as an adult so I can fix them.
3- adjusting to and learning about being a good mom.
It’s all so overwhelming. I know it takes time but sometimes my emotions bounce around so much im trying to do 1,2, and 3 at the same time.
coping,
I think it is good that you can identify (at least some) of the issues you need to address in order to move on.
I see you have a therapist, this is awesome. You may also want to look into EMDR therapy. There are a few of us here, myself included, who do this and it works.
I don’t know about your religious preference, or if you have one, but one option for recovering from the “lies” we are taught as children is “Christ Life solutions” you can google it then research from there. My church has begun their own branch with trained leaders and there may be others.
Lastly, I have a 3 year old and my spath walked out on me when he was 9 months old, so I have been doing the single/divorced mom gig for a while. Feel free to pick my brain.
PS have you picked up Dr. Leedom’s book, “Just Like His Father”? You should.
FAD
Now. A question for Y’all.
After everything that I have been dealing with, I attending an Eye Dr. appointment for Jr. today with Jerkface.
Is it bad, that I acted my normal, happy, upbeat and professional self, even concurring and confirming my observations with Jerkface?
Heck, when the eye Dr. asked to dilate Jr. eyes, I turned to Jerkface and asked, “Do you have his sunglasses?”
?
FAD
FAD,
that was perfect.
You gave him nothing to feed on and you didn’t give him your real emotions. Never give them anything real because they will home in on it and use it against you.