Today, July 4th, is Independence Day in the United States of America. On this day 235 years ago, the country’s forefathers declared independence from the tyranny of a distant king. Today, let us all declare independence from the tyranny of sociopaths.
Declaring independence, of course, is only the beginning of the struggle. In 1776, the tyrant did not want to lose a prized possession—the Colonies—and retaliated by sending an army. The Colonists who believed in independence had no choice but to fight, even though most had little experience—they were farmers, tradesmen and laborers. But they learned how to fight. It took five years, many battles and many hardships, but in the end, the United States of America emerged victorious.
What can we learn from those Colonists that we can use in our own battles? The early Americans believed in themselves, believed in their cause, and did not give up. Oh, they suffered defeats, but they retreated, regrouped, and fought again. They learned from their mistakes, found allies and kept going.
If you’re doing battle with a sociopath—and make no mistake, any interaction is a battle—here are some strategies that will help you:
1. Know your enemy. Be brutally honest in evaluating the sociopath in your life. Remember: The sociopath never loved you. All you ever were to him or her was a source of supply. Once you get over the shock of their soullessness, you’ll begin to see the patterns of their actions. This will enable you to predict what they will do, and plan accordingly.
2. Never underestimate the sociopath. Do not anticipate that the sociopath will act as you, a person capable of love and empathy, would act. The sociopath has no concern for your emotions, your feelings and your welfare. Without empathy or a conscience, the sociopath is capable of doing anything, even the unthinkable, to get what he or she wants, which is to win.
3. Conserve your own resources. You can’t fight if you are sick or injured, so do your best to take care of yourself. Eat right; avoid drugs and alcohol; get enough rest. If you are suffering from anxiety or depression, a good way to relieve them is through exercise. Be gentle with yourself as you recover from trauma.
4. Plan strategically. Figure out what you really want and need, and figure out a way to get them. Never let the sociopath know your plans. If you are living with the person and need to escape, prepare a getaway bag and leave when he or she is not around. If you are going to court, keep careful records and document everything that happens. Keep in mind that you may need to use subterfuge and diversion to execute your plans.
5. Pick your battles. Determine what is really important to you, and what you can let go of. Your life and health are important; you may need to give up on recovering your money, saving your reputation or seeing justice done—at least for the time being. Only take on the battles that are vitally important at the moment.
6. Use overwhelming force. If you do have an opportunity to serve justice, go after the sociopath with everything you’ve got. Do not play nice; do not hold back. The harder you hit, the more likely your chances of success.
7. Seek peace. Remember, the only life you absolutely, positively can influence is your own. Your ultimate objective should be your peace of mind and peace of heart. Achieving it may mean letting go of material goods, people and past traumas. You may need to redefine yourself and how you relate to the world. If you can get to a place of tranquility, you are victorious.
Dear Coping,
You have summed up what the process is, and it TAKES TIME, so don’t get in a rush. It is like peeling an onion, and the thing is that as each layer is peeled, there is another one under it. I’ve been working on this a long time, but am slowly making progress….and learning as I go. Reading, and there are 700+ articles here for you to read on just about any subject.
I suggest that you go to the archives that are by subject and author and read those, the monthly ones only go back for a year….just read the articles and for the first time through, leave the comments for later, just read and think about each article by itself. Look at some of the books in Book Review and in the bookstore here. Dr. Leedom’s book is a MUST for any parent of a younger child…or even an older one. Dr. Hare’s book is a MUST as well and the Betrayal Bond and also “If you Had Controlling Parents” is another good one….READ READ READ…and do nice things for yourself and for your kids. TAKE CARE OF YOU most of all! God bless!
FAD, great!!!!! Be as “calm and natural” as you possibly can, rather than “up tight” and it will make it easier I think in the long run. (((hugs)))
I can’t believe it, but Jerkface conceded to two days of full day Pre-school for “the time being”.
However, he has also shown some cards.
He stated that we only needed Pre-school M,T,TR,F. Wednesday is his parenting day, but if he has Wednesday morning off (not working 12-8am) that means he does not have Wednesday night off and will be working while Jr. is at his house.
Not only is this wrong because of 4 hour first refusal (giving me the right to have Jr. while he works), this does not make a lot of sense.
With this schedule he would get Jr at 6:30 Wednesday mornings, THEN he would (supposedly) stay awake until Jr. goes to bed (@8pm) then work 12 am-8 am, then watch Jr. 8:30 am-… Not a good idea to watch a child with only 3 hours of sleep.
What can I ask Jerkface to confirm this?
What can I say to convince him to change either the work schedule or day care schedule?
Fad- thanks. Yes being a new mom in itself is a difficult task- been doing it since he was 5 1/2 weeks. Man I was in such bad shape… But as time passes it’s getting a little easier. Thanks for the “brain picking” offer. I might take you up on that. Good job with jerkface. I hope I never have to deal with that.. However in time that might be inevitable. I am gonna buy that book.
Ox- I will read and read and read. 🙂 thank you!! I hope my onion is small but I think it’s a big one. 🙂
FAD,
don’t ask him anything. Just follow him and find out for sure. Or hire a PI – that’s even better for 3rd party verification.
This is really bothering me. Last night a former neighbor woman called looking for her son. My son answered the call. This woman’s kid hasn’t been here in months. This woman engaged my 16-year-old son in conversation…..for 45 minutes!!!!
I was across the street at Dana’s. I could see my son, at my house, across the street, with phone in his ear, and hear the sound of my son’s voice and saw him pacing back and forth, and I could see he was in a lively conversation. I did feel that confusion of since when? Cause my son is usually non-committal. Ask him how is he is doing, and he says “GOOD”.
Keep in mind this former neighbor women was calling to look for her son. She talked to my son for 45 minutes!
Guess she wasn’t looking too hard for her son. Cause she got short-stopped when she talked to my 16-year-old son.
I would love to call her to tell her to STAY AWAY from my son. The thing that stopped me was. This family ALWAYS turns EVERYTHING around on me.
My son sides with them cause they tell such a good story….a good story against me.
I think I have a Plan B. To call a social worker tomorrow. I don’t have to deal with this bullshit on my own. Just contact the county.
.
Dear Jeannie,
I’m not sure what the entire situation is with this woman, the young man (her son) and your son….or why “this family Always turns everything around on me>..my son sides with them cause they tell such a good story…a good story against me.”
It sounds as if you might be having a problem with your communication with your son, and these people are “triangling” into the gap between you and your son.
Just keeping this woman away from your son might not be the entire answer with the problems with your son and you communicating. Maybe you could talk to the school counselor or a therapist about your problems with your son. Good luck. (((hugs)))
Ox Drover, that is my thinking exactly. My son has a level head except when it comes to this family. I can’t communicate with him when it involves them. So I gotta get other help.
I don’t trust this woman. It was only a few years ago when she abandoned her husband and her kids to go live with a boyfriend.
They lived in a trailer park in the midst of ex-prisoners and expect me to think it’s ok for some ex-inmate to jokingly tell my son he rapes little boys.
Yep, every bit of it was turned against me. It was turned against me cause the ex-inmate is now married with kids. How can anyone married with kids be bad???? right!
That is no longer the point. My son sees this family, as his family. He doesn’t see the prison-in-mate as family but the other family. Yikes….I can’t explain well…
With any teenagers, who are naturally at that age separating from mom and dad, it is difficult to try to separate them from people that they admire or see as friends or “family”, because if the people are disordered they have hooked them (just like the disordered hook us) plus, kids at that age are trying to make their own decisions and resent having parents do it for them. Hopefully a counselor will helpl. No guarantees, but maybe. Good luck.
Well yesterday was spent at the er for me and the children’s hospital for jr. I have an acute bronchial infection and am on antibiotics. Poor jr. Has a double ear infection, upper respiratory infection, and sore throat.. Also on antibiotics. We both have fevers and are in bad shape.
Today is a court supervised visitation with the spath. I just called to inform the case worker we would not be able to attend due too jr.’s sickness for the next 2 weeks. I have a note from the hospital stating no daycare for 2 weeks, IDE assume this applies to these visits as jr is really sick and the viral portion at leaste is contagious. Of coarse I got voicemail. I told her if she needed the info to let me know so I could fax it over. Well I’m not doing anything today, just can’t. But I know she will call back and give me a hard time. I have decided to only supply the portion (if requested) about daycare as opposed to his diagnosis. I want to seem reasonable however I do not want to supply the actuall diagnosis to them. Not their business and I don’t want the spath to get this as it contains addresses and ss info. Don’t trust the monitors not to supply info to the “charming loving spath”. I’m very worried. Does this sound reasonable?