Today, July 4th, is Independence Day in the United States of America. On this day 235 years ago, the country’s forefathers declared independence from the tyranny of a distant king. Today, let us all declare independence from the tyranny of sociopaths.
Declaring independence, of course, is only the beginning of the struggle. In 1776, the tyrant did not want to lose a prized possession—the Colonies—and retaliated by sending an army. The Colonists who believed in independence had no choice but to fight, even though most had little experience—they were farmers, tradesmen and laborers. But they learned how to fight. It took five years, many battles and many hardships, but in the end, the United States of America emerged victorious.
What can we learn from those Colonists that we can use in our own battles? The early Americans believed in themselves, believed in their cause, and did not give up. Oh, they suffered defeats, but they retreated, regrouped, and fought again. They learned from their mistakes, found allies and kept going.
If you’re doing battle with a sociopath—and make no mistake, any interaction is a battle—here are some strategies that will help you:
1. Know your enemy. Be brutally honest in evaluating the sociopath in your life. Remember: The sociopath never loved you. All you ever were to him or her was a source of supply. Once you get over the shock of their soullessness, you’ll begin to see the patterns of their actions. This will enable you to predict what they will do, and plan accordingly.
2. Never underestimate the sociopath. Do not anticipate that the sociopath will act as you, a person capable of love and empathy, would act. The sociopath has no concern for your emotions, your feelings and your welfare. Without empathy or a conscience, the sociopath is capable of doing anything, even the unthinkable, to get what he or she wants, which is to win.
3. Conserve your own resources. You can’t fight if you are sick or injured, so do your best to take care of yourself. Eat right; avoid drugs and alcohol; get enough rest. If you are suffering from anxiety or depression, a good way to relieve them is through exercise. Be gentle with yourself as you recover from trauma.
4. Plan strategically. Figure out what you really want and need, and figure out a way to get them. Never let the sociopath know your plans. If you are living with the person and need to escape, prepare a getaway bag and leave when he or she is not around. If you are going to court, keep careful records and document everything that happens. Keep in mind that you may need to use subterfuge and diversion to execute your plans.
5. Pick your battles. Determine what is really important to you, and what you can let go of. Your life and health are important; you may need to give up on recovering your money, saving your reputation or seeing justice done—at least for the time being. Only take on the battles that are vitally important at the moment.
6. Use overwhelming force. If you do have an opportunity to serve justice, go after the sociopath with everything you’ve got. Do not play nice; do not hold back. The harder you hit, the more likely your chances of success.
7. Seek peace. Remember, the only life you absolutely, positively can influence is your own. Your ultimate objective should be your peace of mind and peace of heart. Achieving it may mean letting go of material goods, people and past traumas. You may need to redefine yourself and how you relate to the world. If you can get to a place of tranquility, you are victorious.
Dear Coping,
I imagine you ARE FURIOUS and FRUSTRATED as well. I think I would tell her that you will have your DOCTOR SEND A LETTER DIRECTLY TO HER….then call your doctor’s office or the hospital and tell them that you need a letter to the case worker.
In the meantime, GET COPIES OF ALL YOUR SON’S MEDICAL RECORDS EVERY TIME HE GOES TO THE DOCTOR OR AN ER. COMPLETE COPIES….you are entitled to this and I encourage EVERY person to get complete copies of all your medical records anyway and ALL test results. These may turn out to be medically important some day, but for sure in cases like this.
White out any information that you do not want your X to have and then fax them to the case worker. EVENTUALLY she will get enough proof that she will not be able to believe the lies your X is telling her. It is obvious to me that HE SAID THAT LOOKED LIKE YOUR HAND WRITING….and she bought it. OVERWHELM HER WITH EVIDENCE, not arguments. She won’t believe the arguments, but she will eventually have to see (I hope) the EVIDENCE. (((hugs))))
Oh Jesus, I bet he did say that about the handwriting! I was puzzled by that too. How did she know it was your writing?
Coping, I wish I could give you good advice, but unfortunately, I am very confused by your story. Maybe I am not in the know about previous posts of yours, so this snippet confused me. I cannot figure out what the problem is, actually. Why do you need to show medical documents about your son? And what has the spath done?
Sorry if you’d rather just talk to people in here who know your whole story. I just wanted to give advice if possible, but then I read your post and couldn’t figure out what exactly is going on.
All I CAN say, though, is that my ex spath is a good-looking guy that women go swoony stupid ga ga over. It should be illegal to create the devil in such packaging. He is like those vampires on True Blood. He enchants people and especially women into various levels of retardation. He could probably convince and entire room of people to hunt me down and kill me without showing a shred of evidence that I’d done anything wrong, and without any of them ever having met me. I can therefore truly understand how hard this is to deal with! When people tell me how they think he’s really smart and dynamic and bla bla bla and deep and caring, I want to PUKE.
I am so sorry Coping. If you explain your story a little more, I will try to give you my two cents.
All I could say at this point is pick your battles, like this article said. Don’t let this get you too worked up when you are still in a stage where you can fix what he just broke. It’s part of having an spath ex. Just take a deep breath and start plugging away at this. IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT, but unfortunately you are stuck dealing with it for the time being.
PS = I agree with OX. Overwhelm that charmed woman. My dad used to charm people into thinking I was nuts. Then a little while later, they’d know who was really nuts. Help speed up that process. You’ll come out on top, because you are NOT full of shit, unlike him.
Coping,
I would be furious too. Try not to be though, so you can respond calmly and rationally.
This sounds like a case that deserves some rope. Give her rope so she can hang herself.
I think you’ve done all that is required to prove you are doing what you need to do. I would not respond further to try to convince her. Let her do all the pushing to see where she is going and then when they take you to court, decimate them with evidence.
The reason for this advice is that this way, you are not responding to his every manipulation. This way, you aren’t predictable, you aren’t showing your cards – but they are showing theirs.
I think you played it just right.
Thanks guys.. Now I’m just in tears. What is wrong with me? Shit. Ironically I did fax over the dr’s note along with my sons 3 page diagnosis to her. So frankly this is just bs. I do keep all documents so that’s covered. However when I go for my sons follow up tomorrow I will ask for additional documentation authenticating the original note. I can use this for the future if nothing else. I spoke to a friend who said it was unprofessional of them to accuse me of this and I needed stand up for myself and file a complaint. I won’t. They won’t get it and will only make me appear to be difficult. The spath has the little 20 yr old case worker charmed. Can’t undo that. Can only protect myself through documentation. This is crazy.
This is the 3rd time this case worker has given me a hard time. Im the one with the 7 year restraining order against him. Hes not getting court supervised visitations because hes such a great guy. How in gods name do the do this? Yes he’s good looking but he’s not some Greek god. Ironically I posted yesterday about how I thought he was stupid. Man he’s got a whole level of bs charm I can’t even fathom.
coping,
I think they use the pity ploy.
I was taking Lunesta for a few years to sleep. One day the pharmacy got the insurance paperwork messed up and it didn’t go through. I asked them to investigate. The head pharmacist, a woman, came up and said, “You’re pharmacy shopping aren’t you? You’re trying to get more pills than what’s on the Rx?”
I was flummoxed. WTF?
I bitched her out and told her to do her job correctly, of course. But now I am positive, it was the spath setting me up to appear like a drug addict because he was planning to kill me and make it appear to be a suicide. My Rx for Lunesta was 15 pills for 30 days, so I had to be very careful to make them last. But somehow I was always 1 or 2 short, each month. Now I know he was taking them and was going to kill overdose me. But first he had to make me look crazy.
Panther- he gets court monitored visitations with our son once a week. If I can’t make it I need to provide a reason why or it gets held against me. Our son is 10 months now. We were never married and he is not on the birth certificate. I have a 7 year restraining order against him for dv. He pays no child support, does nothing except harasse me through the channels he can.
Yes, Coping, the BS charm is like playing a video game with a cheat code for unlimited lives and ammo. They are totally cheating and we’re trying to win while trapped behind boundaries that we cannot cross because we have a conscience! It’s so unfair.
Can’t tell you how many times I would look at his range of options and then at my range of options and just think SHEESH why do I even try? He can do ANYTHING to win, yet I’m incapable of lying, manipulating, stealing, tricking, intimidating, physically hurting, and killing (in some cases) just to win. Makes it harder.
Skylar makes a good point about not responding to every manipulation.
Skylar- they really are evil. Btw I read your thread on word salads yesterday and it’s cracked me up. Yesterday was the first good day I’ve had in months. Ironically it’s fallen to shit today. I have to wonder if it’s just coincidence this happened or if it’s a result of my post yesterday. Now I am being paranoid.