Today, July 4th, is Independence Day in the United States of America. On this day 235 years ago, the country’s forefathers declared independence from the tyranny of a distant king. Today, let us all declare independence from the tyranny of sociopaths.
Declaring independence, of course, is only the beginning of the struggle. In 1776, the tyrant did not want to lose a prized possession—the Colonies—and retaliated by sending an army. The Colonists who believed in independence had no choice but to fight, even though most had little experience—they were farmers, tradesmen and laborers. But they learned how to fight. It took five years, many battles and many hardships, but in the end, the United States of America emerged victorious.
What can we learn from those Colonists that we can use in our own battles? The early Americans believed in themselves, believed in their cause, and did not give up. Oh, they suffered defeats, but they retreated, regrouped, and fought again. They learned from their mistakes, found allies and kept going.
If you’re doing battle with a sociopath—and make no mistake, any interaction is a battle—here are some strategies that will help you:
1. Know your enemy. Be brutally honest in evaluating the sociopath in your life. Remember: The sociopath never loved you. All you ever were to him or her was a source of supply. Once you get over the shock of their soullessness, you’ll begin to see the patterns of their actions. This will enable you to predict what they will do, and plan accordingly.
2. Never underestimate the sociopath. Do not anticipate that the sociopath will act as you, a person capable of love and empathy, would act. The sociopath has no concern for your emotions, your feelings and your welfare. Without empathy or a conscience, the sociopath is capable of doing anything, even the unthinkable, to get what he or she wants, which is to win.
3. Conserve your own resources. You can’t fight if you are sick or injured, so do your best to take care of yourself. Eat right; avoid drugs and alcohol; get enough rest. If you are suffering from anxiety or depression, a good way to relieve them is through exercise. Be gentle with yourself as you recover from trauma.
4. Plan strategically. Figure out what you really want and need, and figure out a way to get them. Never let the sociopath know your plans. If you are living with the person and need to escape, prepare a getaway bag and leave when he or she is not around. If you are going to court, keep careful records and document everything that happens. Keep in mind that you may need to use subterfuge and diversion to execute your plans.
5. Pick your battles. Determine what is really important to you, and what you can let go of. Your life and health are important; you may need to give up on recovering your money, saving your reputation or seeing justice done—at least for the time being. Only take on the battles that are vitally important at the moment.
6. Use overwhelming force. If you do have an opportunity to serve justice, go after the sociopath with everything you’ve got. Do not play nice; do not hold back. The harder you hit, the more likely your chances of success.
7. Seek peace. Remember, the only life you absolutely, positively can influence is your own. Your ultimate objective should be your peace of mind and peace of heart. Achieving it may mean letting go of material goods, people and past traumas. You may need to redefine yourself and how you relate to the world. If you can get to a place of tranquility, you are victorious.
Oh Coping I just read your added details.
Oh my….I am so sorry. This sounds absolutely horrible.
How could any woman (or any human for that matter) side with a man who has a 7 year restraining order against him for DV when there is a 10 month old vulnerable and innocent child on the line?
Really makes me wonder what he said to her. Maybe he told her you are a crazy woman who made up false claims to get a restraining order on him because you slept with the police detective. Who knows. He could say anything.
SKYLAR I HATE YOUR EX. I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I HATE HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THAT EVIL GOOD FOR NOTHING DISGUSTING HORRIBLE MONSTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HE SHOULD BE IN PRISON!
I HATE HIM!
Coping ~ Without going into the LONG version, we very recently had a similar thing happen with a GAL, she refused to accept the medical records because they were “not clean” (her terms) They had hand written diagnosis on them, the DOCTOR’S hand written diagnosis. She insisted on “certified” copies of the records. Go to all of your baby’s medical providers and sign HIPPA forms so they can mail the records/and or notes DIRECTLY to her. Ask that they white out your personal information, explain why (dv restraining order etc).
If this kind of thing keeps up with this worker, you may want to go to her supervisor and tell her what is going on. Usually (not always ofcourse) the supervisor will listen. Actually, what you might want to do is get her direct supervisor’s name and have the records sent directly to her. Give her a call and tell her why you are doing this (that you were accussed of falsifying medical records and you wanted her to have certified copies).
I am so sorry that you must go through this, but don’t let anything like this slide, handle it as soon as it happens.
Dear Coping,
I don’t understand why if he gets visitation that he cannot be forced to pay support as well…..as it is, he has a way to HARASS YOU but no consequences for doing so. SOOOOO maybe you need to up the ante and give him some CONSEQUENCES for all this. I realize it will be a hassle but maybe you should MAKE HIM PAY SUPPORT, and that might make him less interested in seeing your child. If a “father” has the “RIGHT” to visit, I think he also has the RESPONSIBILITY TO SUPPORT THE CHILD…I would go for support and turn the tables on him. YOU have NOTHING TO LOSE AT THIS POINT, AND HE HAS MONEY TO LOSE….at least it might get the court to change the “supervised” visitation. Is that an option?
Panther!
I know he’s a hateful and evil creature, but he will meet his maker, just as we all do. There must be a reason why God put him in my path. The truth is, I was so so so blind about the capacity of humanity for evil, that the only way I could EVER learn and understand it, was to experience it the way I did.
No way in hell, could I have imagined this crap happening to me. And no way in hell could I have ever seen my saintly mother as a spath. So he was there for a purpose.
He used to look at me and say, “Living is easy with eyes closed.” and “you live the life of Riley.” I didn’t know what the heck he was talking about, but then I never did anyway, it was all sociopathic tells and straight up lies.
Now, because of him, I’m able to educate so many people about what they are, how to recognize them, and somewhat about how they think. It’s funny how God uses even the evil people to do His will.
Coping,
Do you mean the reply to Panther’s spath letter? The one full of word salad?
I wish I could tell you that the slime washes off and not to let it bother you. But I know better. That pharmacist STILL bothers me, to this day. I think about going to tell her what I know, but she will just deny it, just like the cops did.
The spath was very careful to make sure that all those that he ensnared into believing his lies, would be ashamed and afraid once they found out that they had been taken in.
Hmmm… that gives me an idea….
rather than try to prove to them that the spath conned them, maybe it’s better to “prove” to them that the spath was right. Feed them further evidence in the form of tiny seeds, by acting suspiciously, but don’t give them anything concrete. Make sure that it can all be misconstrued…
Then they will take the rope and continue on the vendetta that the spath put them on, maybe even behaving hysterically stupid. THEN, shine the light on them, so that everyone can see the truth.
This is exactly how a spath would do it – except for the truth part, he’d never do that. I guess I have my spath brain on today. But I really can’t think of how to work out the details, which is something that my ex-spath would have no trouble with.
No ox- there already is a ct order stating he needs to pay child support. Doesn’t matter in this state. In addition it was a ct requirement he completes anger management and substance abuse program. He hasn’t. He hasn’t completed the parenting course. He has done nothing!!! With zero consequences. Remember he isn’t even a us citizen and was able to get his felonies sealed. He claims he isn’t working to the DA yet for the ct visitations they are set by his schedule due to work schedule. He opened his own company under his friends name to avoid any financial loss. Meanwhile his company does well. I have reported him to the ins, IRS, even wrote a letter to the governor. Nothing!
Lol.. This woman should be focusing on the child’s welfare verifying these program completions as opposed to these riduculouse things. I don’t know what else to do. There has to be something.
Skylar- yes I would love to be able to “speak spath” lol just can’t. Yep.. That’s the “word salad” one. Lol.. I added a few spath oddities of my own. Crazy!!
Milo- very good idea. Thank you.
Coping ~ This is something to think about, and I do understand it will go against your maternal instincts but –
I was a foster mother for many years. I had a six month old that I had since birth. Mom understood she COULD NOT take care of this child and placed him for adoption at birth. Then along comes Daddy Dearest, a complete spath. To give her a hard time he won’t sign the adoption papers and gets once a week supervised visit.
Baby gets rotavirus. If you have ever experienced rotavirus you know the vomiting and diarrhea are constant and the smell – well even a seasoned parent will gag – enough said. I called the worker to cancel, telling her what is wrong with the baby. She says hmmmmmm, how about we keep the visitation, let Daddy dearest change a few diapers and get himself royally puked on. Let’s see how serious he is about being a parent.
We kept the visit, baby responded as we expected and so did Daddy dearest. Within days he had signed the adoption papers.
Side note, we ended up adopting this precious baby, he will turn 30 next month and is the light of our lives.
Just something to think about !!!
Oh, from what you have written about support, anger managment etc., I am quite sure that your problems will be over with this jerk.
Take care of that baby – Love MiLo