Today, July 4th, is Independence Day in the United States of America. On this day 235 years ago, the country’s forefathers declared independence from the tyranny of a distant king. Today, let us all declare independence from the tyranny of sociopaths.
Declaring independence, of course, is only the beginning of the struggle. In 1776, the tyrant did not want to lose a prized possession—the Colonies—and retaliated by sending an army. The Colonists who believed in independence had no choice but to fight, even though most had little experience—they were farmers, tradesmen and laborers. But they learned how to fight. It took five years, many battles and many hardships, but in the end, the United States of America emerged victorious.
What can we learn from those Colonists that we can use in our own battles? The early Americans believed in themselves, believed in their cause, and did not give up. Oh, they suffered defeats, but they retreated, regrouped, and fought again. They learned from their mistakes, found allies and kept going.
If you’re doing battle with a sociopath—and make no mistake, any interaction is a battle—here are some strategies that will help you:
1. Know your enemy. Be brutally honest in evaluating the sociopath in your life. Remember: The sociopath never loved you. All you ever were to him or her was a source of supply. Once you get over the shock of their soullessness, you’ll begin to see the patterns of their actions. This will enable you to predict what they will do, and plan accordingly.
2. Never underestimate the sociopath. Do not anticipate that the sociopath will act as you, a person capable of love and empathy, would act. The sociopath has no concern for your emotions, your feelings and your welfare. Without empathy or a conscience, the sociopath is capable of doing anything, even the unthinkable, to get what he or she wants, which is to win.
3. Conserve your own resources. You can’t fight if you are sick or injured, so do your best to take care of yourself. Eat right; avoid drugs and alcohol; get enough rest. If you are suffering from anxiety or depression, a good way to relieve them is through exercise. Be gentle with yourself as you recover from trauma.
4. Plan strategically. Figure out what you really want and need, and figure out a way to get them. Never let the sociopath know your plans. If you are living with the person and need to escape, prepare a getaway bag and leave when he or she is not around. If you are going to court, keep careful records and document everything that happens. Keep in mind that you may need to use subterfuge and diversion to execute your plans.
5. Pick your battles. Determine what is really important to you, and what you can let go of. Your life and health are important; you may need to give up on recovering your money, saving your reputation or seeing justice done—at least for the time being. Only take on the battles that are vitally important at the moment.
6. Use overwhelming force. If you do have an opportunity to serve justice, go after the sociopath with everything you’ve got. Do not play nice; do not hold back. The harder you hit, the more likely your chances of success.
7. Seek peace. Remember, the only life you absolutely, positively can influence is your own. Your ultimate objective should be your peace of mind and peace of heart. Achieving it may mean letting go of material goods, people and past traumas. You may need to redefine yourself and how you relate to the world. If you can get to a place of tranquility, you are victorious.
Coping ~ I don’t want to overwhelm you with information, but I have just been through something so like what you are going through. I referred to mine as the GAL from Hell!
You feel like screeming right now and I don’t blame you. You must take a deep breath and handle this in a calm manner. The worker is CONVINCED that you wrote that note. She is CONVINCED that you are the bad guy and she now has her supervisor WONDERING. You are NOT going to change her mind. Don’t question them as to why they are not challenging the spath, let your attorney and court handle that. Don’t call or send a certified letter, if you can send her an e-mail a VERY polite e-mail stating you are sorry for the confusion. Suggest to her that you go and sign HIPPA releases for any information they would like. Use this language “in that way you can be assurred of obtaining clean, certified copies free of any bias” directly from my son’s provider.
That way, these documents will never be in your hands and therefore cannot be subject to questioning. Ofcourse the records will not include the hand written note the doctor gave you. They don’t keep copies of those so you may have to request that he writes something like, on such and such date I Dr. so and so wrote a note dismissing child from day care for x number of days due to an ear infection.
This is a lot of work for you to go through, but when dealing with these idiots it is necessary.
Keep the faith
MILO, YOU ARE THE VOICE OF CALM EXPERIENCE! Good suggestion and you are so right! That case worker is convinced and she is IGNORANT….but your suggestion is completely valid. CALM, and directly from the doctor.
Hey, it is not even my kid and I am wanting to throttle the case worker! LOL
BTW your idea and maneuvers with the kid with the case of virus was GREAT!!!! ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT!!! IN FACT! LOL
Yea Oxy CALM (only when it’s not me having to deal with these jerks). I can just picture this young case worker and know that AINT NOBODY GONNA CHANGE HER MIND. Somehow you end up digging yourself into a deeper hole if you try to reason with egotistical professional wannabes like this. (I will get my spell check working soon)
I think coping needs to look down the road, be so cooperative with this person that then LATER when this person is possibly giving testimony about what a wonderful dad this man is, coping can say, wait a dang minute, she was so bias she even said I forged a Doctor’s note and all the while I was attempting to work with her.
Actually, the virus call was one made by the case worker and now 30 years down the road she is the Director of DCF in our county. There are good ones out there, just like GAL’s, but when they’re bad they are REALLY BAD. I still remember Daddy dearest trying to keep his lunch down while changing that “green” diaper. LOL
Dear MiLo,
When I moved from Los Angeles to Arkansas about 6 hours into the trip with a 1 yr old and a 2 1/2 year old they came down with the same thing, and the smell was ARF-WFUL!!!! Back in those days no car seats or anything and I had fixed up the back seat like a bed and they SATURATED it and everything with it…yea, I can still smell that nasty smell.
It was a stroke of genius though for that person to come up with it.
Yea, I know what you mean, it is always easier for us to SEE the problem with someone else than it is when it is US having to deal with the person like that WANNABEE…oh, yea. But that is why it is good to have some “cool heads” and we can help each other out! When I am nuts-o, you can see it and calm me down, and vice versa. Still your advice to this young mother was GREAT!
Oxy – bet you had the windows down. Same child at about age 5 slept in the top bunk of his bunk beds. He got sick in the middle night, leaned over the side and threw up right into the fan – OMG – I immediately knew what the term “when the shit hits the fan” really meant.
When I turned all the complete medical records over to the GAL I had googled each doctor and put the results in with the records. I just wanted her to see that these Doctors all had excellent reputations. The neurologist alone is one of the nations leading experts on autism and has been on Larry King and all the major network news shows. I thought this was an important fact, that they were not some Amish bone crunchers giving a diagnosis. This is what she referred to as “unclean records” riddled with my personal summaries in an attempt to bias her. UNREAL But, that is how they can turn innocent things around when they are already CONVINCED, that is why I warn.
Have a nice evening.
Milo did you ever get the GAL’s BILL settled? I remember she was trying to make you pay it all and your X daughter none of it…if my memory serves me correctly.
I’m glad that the “sheety” baby turned out to be a wonderful young man! I wish mine had turned out as well. LOL
Well, my adopted son is gone for the evening and I’m here all by my lonesome so gonna go take a nice hot shower and relax for a while all by my lonesome!
Oxy ~ Yes, we finally got the bill settled, but not before she raised the amount yet again. She was playing “Let’s Make A Deal” either pay this amount or what is behind door number 2. We finally settled for paying 70% of the total because we were paying our attorney more to fight it than just paying it. Ofcourse she very well knew this.
BUT THEN – our attorney sends us paperwork to sign to have the court release the funds we had put in escrow in the beginning of the case for the GAL – OK, this paperwork said we were satisfied with the job she had done and that the fee was reasonable. I want this thing to end soooo bad, but I just CAN NOT sign that. I probably need to talk to some “cool heads” around here myself. Hubby says to just give it up and sign the damn thing. I say when pigs fly. That’s where it stands.
Milo,
what are the repercussions of NOT signing it?
I mean what is the point in having such a thing if not to ensure that you are satisfied with the services you were rendered? The GAL will get a “good review” based on YOUR LIES if you sign it.
This sounds shady to me. There is no end to the spaths. They are everywhere.
Dear Milo,
I agree with Skylar, WHEN PIGS FLY, I would not lie and say I was satisfied with her work when I was NOT.
Donna’s goinna publish an article by me tomorrow about a lie I told to “get by” but “there are lies and there are DAMN LIES,” and I would NOT sign that one. If she insists that you sign a lie in order to get her money, then she can WAIT FOR IT til pigs fly! I’m with you 110% on that one.
when pig’s fly there will be bacon in the tree’s ~!